A Bad Birthday, I am so depressed(UPDATED)

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kalley167, Jan 21, 2007.

  1. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    I just really needed to vent.Yesterday was my 40th Birthday. Years ago when I had my husbands 40th Bday Surprise party I requested that he not ever do that for me just do something else special. Well apparently he forgot the something nice part. There was no party, (thats ok)and maybe I am going to sound materialistic here but heck it was a milestone birthday and my gift. Are you sitting down.

    I got a car cover for my classic vehicle.Now mind you we needed one as it still gets dusty in the garage, But for my 40th Birthday. Thats all I got from him. I have wanted a heartshaped diamond for years and a new camera. I didn't need both just one of them would have been nice. We had our 21st anniversary last june, I got flowers. I thought maybe at Christmas I would see one of them but no. He did take me to dinner on my Bday but I really didn't feel special at all.He did get me a cake he sat it on the table with the unwrapped car cover. Oh and lets not for get when I was in Walmart on my bday he came in and bought a card for me, even after I saw him looking at them.

    I am sorry maybe I am being a big B. But I wanted to throw it back at him and ask him why bother. I so wanted to cry. I held the tears back. My daughter bought me a Boyds Bear which is something I really like. But was it too much to ask for to at least make it special. Even without a party. It just felt like any other day. I always make such and effort for him and the Kids for theirs. And all I wanted to do and still now is to cry.
    Tell me am I wrong here?

    Thanks for letting me vent. Feeling this depressed isn't helping my FMS I am sure but I don't know how to shake this.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/22/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/25/2007]
  2. xchocoholic

    xchocoholic New Member

    You really have to tell him that he hurt your feelings.

    He may think he did you a favor by not making a big deal out of it.

    You're not being unrealistic ... I'd be upset too if my husband bought me a car cover for any birthday ..

  3. PepperGirl52

    PepperGirl52 New Member

    Has he always been this way, or is this something new?? If it is something new, like the other poster said, maybe he thought you wanted a very low-key kind of day.

    A lot of women have a tough time with their 40th or 50th birthday. My 50th was very traumatic for me!! UGH! We won't go there.... But anyway, yes, I think you should sit him down and have a 'come to Jesus' talk!!

    Not in a hateful way, but just let him know that you had some really higher expectations, and with you feeling so crummy all the time, it would have been nice, if he could have done ONE thing to help you feel better about life! THAT should hit him where it hurts! Not that he can make up for it, but the look on his face should be enough for you to realize he didn't do it out of uncaring or a lack of emotional support.

    Men are a whole other breed sometimes! My husband never fails to amaze me! He was the one who was alway so social, loves to be with people-could talk for hours, wanted to go out every night of the week, etc. But with this fibro, and the way it's changed our lives, HE has adjusted to the point where he just doesn't care to do much of that anymore.

    It may just take a while for your husband to finish 'adjusting'. It's a whole new life. And maybe HE'S having trouble with both of you getting older, too. Men go through menopause in their own way, you know?? Just a thought.....

    Hope you get it all worked out, and you start feeling better. Just remember that YOU are a VERY special person, and we all know it here-it's just going to take some work to get your family and friends to know how to show it! And they can't read our minds-sometimes we have to hint-VERY LOUDLY! Take care! PG
  4. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member


    Sorry that you did not have a good birthday. I think you should discuss your feelings with him. You cannot get him to undo what has been done, but perhaps it will help him to see how you feel. It seems as if that is that way that he is. I know many married women who shop for their own gifts...they know that there husbands, boyfriends, etc do not know what they would like, and this way, they get what they want and then, hopefully, their husbands will see how much joy they got in getting what they wanted.

    Sorry if this sounds too harsh, but I have been through this same thing for years with my daughter's father.

    Good luck.

  5. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    I put an end to this before it even started. On our birthdays, my husband and I go together and buy what me or him wants. We just look at it as an excuse to shop for ourselves, usually something expensive.

    I knew from the gitgo my husband didn't have much of an imagination and I wanted to avoid any awkward feelings all the way around. The way he's taken care of me for the past 4 years makes up for everything, anyway.

    It sure beats having to think of something and risk disappointment.

    We do this with Xmas, too, BTW. But we wait until after, when everything's on sale!

  6. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Well I wanted to say many happy returns anyway for your 40th. It is a milestone.

    My dh is dense when it comes to romance, so I often have to tell him what I need/expect.

    This past birthday was my 60th and I asked for oil paints and easel. Which I got. He forgot to get brushes and canvas, so we just went out and I chose them.

    Most often we don't do birthdays as we are too poor. But I would say why not just say that you would like the ring to mark your 40th and go chose it together. He will no doubt agree. Men often just are not romantic.

    Love Annie Cromwell
  7. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    He has always been a bit dense in this area. But with what I did for him and knowing it is a milestone I thought he would try and make it better. It may take me awhile to say anything to him as it has made me very emotional. Heck I went to get lunch for the office and it was going through my mind and I almost cried then. I thank you all for your support. And the well wishes. I think when I calm down a bit I will try and discuss it with him. It did hurt me so bad and I am not sure if he even knows that. How sad after 21 1/2 years.
  8. Lynna62

    Lynna62 New Member

    I am in no way trying to minimize your feelings, I have been married for 23 years and have had birthday's like yours in the past and I feel your pain.

    This is how I choose to see it........men really are a different breed. They don't see or process things the way we do. My hubby has never bought me jewelry or things like that (which I would love!) but he is always there for me and makes sure I have everything I need.

    I have learned to be careful because he takes what I say very literally. If I were to tell him that I didn't want a party for my b'day but would like something special I'm pretty sure all he would hear is that I didn't want a fuss made over me.

    We can't change the past but we can tweak the way we look at it. The things that make us feel loved are different than what makes men feel loved. I have had to choose to look at the things he does rather than the things he doesn't do, it doesn't always work, but most times it makes me feel better.

    I'm sorry your feelings are hurt and I hope you feel better soon.

  9. dononagin

    dononagin New Member

    Happy Birthday fellow Capricorn! Mine was the 18th.. It was pretty much crummy too.. In fact I didn't even get a cake! I was sick as heck.. went home from work and went to bed. Hubby bought me a watch but didn't wrap it or get a card..

    BUT.. I've always know this wasn't a good quality in him. Luckily the rest of the time he is an ace.. I am grateful to have a gentle kind soul in my life, but like you it would be nice to be fussed over now and then!

    Birthday hugs! Dona
  10. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    A belated birthday hug!! Talk to your husband and see if he'd like to make up for his non-present.....it's not too late!
  11. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    He has noticed that I have been quiet. He keeps asking why I am Grumpy which I haven't been, just quiet. I am just not ready to say it, as I am to emotional about it yet. I will say something soon, but when I can do it more calmly. It just still amazes me he doesn't realize why I am upset. He has already said I have been grumpy since my b-day you would think he would put it together.

    I am going to go get a facial done at a spa on Weds ( I have a gift cert from Christmas, a company gave all of us at work) so I hope that will boost my morale. I am really having a hard time shaking this off. I appreciate all of your help here. It helps knowing I can come here and get it off my chest. Thanks so much !!
  12. happycanuk

    happycanuk New Member

    Sorry your birthday wasn't what you expected. Your husband did TRY to do as you asked. He didn't make a big hoopla out of it. As for a gift, it was probably something he would have loved himself. Most men, not ALL, just are NOT into birthdays, anniversaries etc. I think in 33 years, my husband has only bought me flowers once! But you know, he is home with ME everynight and he helps me through so much. I feel that HE is my biggest gift. Him I could NOT do without. I have now lived through my 40, 50 and 60th birthdays. My husband has learned through the years, to ask what I want, just as I ask him. Nobody is a mind reader and men DO NOT pick up on hints!

    I hope that you can sit down and talk to your hubby about this and get it out in the open and move on from there.
  13. zenouchy

    zenouchy Member

    Happy 40th!

    As everyone has said, it's hard to know what men are thinking. I've learned that men can't read minds....my otherwise bright husband needs everything spelled out for him, or else I'm disappointed. It seems to be a men are from mars, women are from venus thing.

    I don't blame you for being disappointed....I'm sure I would have been too. It sounds like to me your hubby got a little confused. He probably thought that taking you out to dinner and getting you a cake that he picked out himself was special, and to him, that was effort- it's all a male vs. female perspective thing.

    Taking you to dinner and him picking out a cake for you can be special, but not what you expected on your 40th. (I don't blame you.) He might not have known you wanted the diamond or camera (even though you probably told him a zillion times over the years) unless you reminded him a few times close to your birthday. In my experience, that's how men are.

    And then there's my husband: I'll remind him several times until he says I'm bugging him too much...but if I don't remind him a lot, he forgets! Eeeks! ;-)

    Men are by nature problem solvers and not romantic. He probably got you the car cover because he thought it would help an immediate need for you and help you out. Not romantic, but in his mind, it was helping.

    Talk to him again, tell him you want some romance and how to make you feel special (by expressing it with the gift you wanted), but try to go easy on him so he doesn't feel nitpicked. I don't think he tried to upset you. I'll have to remember all of this the next time my husband isn't romantic with me. He sounds similar to your husband. They mean so well, but they just aren't romantic by nature like we are.

    Hang in there and happy 40th! All the best, Erika
  14. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    Well I did it. I let it eat at me until Weds night. I couldn't say it all out loud, because I felt to emotional about this, so I wrote him a letter, I told him I guess I had set my expectations to high and when I didn't rec anything personal it hurt my feelings.I told him it wasn't that I didn't like what he did do it was just I wanted to feel special and didn't. He apoligized and said that since I didn't want a party he just didn't know what to do. I think he truely felt bad. And was very attentive the rest of the night.

    I have to say I feel so much better getting it off my chest. And he wasn't mad that I felt that way. I worded my letter very carefully so that I wasn't downgrading him or anything. Because I do appreciate him.

    So What do you think !!

    Thank you all for your support and well wishes ![This Message was Edited on 01/25/2007]
  15. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    Happy belated 40th!!!! Sounds like you did the right thing in letting your husband know how you felt. Men and women just think differently sometimes. Truthfully, some of the posts on this board about husband and wives have helped me to see both viewpoints. Sometimes, I just do not get my husband. But I do know that when we talk it out, instead of just sweeping it under the rug, it gets better.

    Sounds like your husband was sensitive to your feelings, glad he took it well, and it was nice of you to chose your words carefully. It sounds like you are a very thoughtful person. Have a great day! Kim :)
  16. blueski31717

    blueski31717 New Member

    Happy 40th ahh I remember when..... I usually do not have the problem of not getting what I want cause I usually go out and get it, wrap it up and put names on it...My husband bought gifts for years and never knew how much he paid lol. I always got whatever I wanted.
  17. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    Well I was so mad Monday about all this. Well a radio show was doing a contest about whats eating you in 50 words or less, so I sent this in and today they anounnced on the radio that I won. $150.00 Visa Gift Card. I called and told hubby in case someone said anything to him after hearing it. I never in my life thought I would win. I don't think he is angry about it. Guess I will know when he comes home tonight.
    I told him I would take him to Applebees since I won. He said ok and sounded ok on the phone when I told him. So cross your fingers he won't be to nasty about it ! But hey $150.00 !!
  18. paulmack

    paulmack New Member

    Well done Kalley,$150,now thats what I call a good Birthday present,glad it all seems to have worked out.Enjoy spending them $$$$$,lol.I'm thinking Applebees is a restaurant??
  19. Hawkeye

    Hawkeye New Member

    I know how you feel, my ex husband bought me a "woman's tool kit", it was pink and had a hammer, screwdrivers, all kinds of tools for our 10th wedding anniversary! Ughhhhhhhhhhh

    You are right to feel upset but just remember that he isn't ever going to be one of those thoughtful guys (at least he doesn't sound like it) as far as materialistic things and remembering milestones and if everything else is fine in your marriage then thank God you have a good guy in all the other ways. Some of us are alone and you are lucky to have someone.

    Go out and buy yourself a camera this weekend, it sounds like you deserve it and say it is your 40th birthday gift for yourself and remind him of the ring...maybe he will take the hint and get it for you for your anniversary.

    Hang in there...it's part of being a woman, we give, give, give and rarely do we get it given back to us.

    Happy birthday!
  20. zenouchy

    zenouchy Member

    Hi Kalley,

    Great for you for writing your thoughts on paper and not being too hard on your hubby. He meant well, but got confused. Those poor guys, eh? It sounds like it worked out well.

    What wild timing with the radio station. That must have been a very articulate letter! Congrats and enjoy your winnings!!

    All the best, Erika