A BIGGIE: Singles with FM/CFIDS, outlook on dating, relationships

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by jipsieyes, Feb 21, 2007.

  1. jipsieyes

    jipsieyes New Member

    I've been single since shortly before my son was born (the father didn't want to be a Daddy OR a husband), and that was years before FM and severe spinal stenosis and nerve pain turned my life upside down... BP (Before Pain), I was, of course, a different person, both physically AND mentally, and was never without a Saturday night date, always had several "interested" beaus hovering nearby, in short, I probably spent more time, back then, wishing for some "alone time" more than anything!
    Just prior to my FM diagnosis, my increasing lower left back pain and fatigue was misdiagnosed by my Gyn as due to uterine cancer (it WAS there, found during my pregnancy, but it was only AFTER my son was born the docs could do anything about it) so he scheduled and performed a full hysterectomy. There were many fibroids, as well as a uterine cyst the size of a GRAPEFRUIT (benign, thank God), so all was removed and I was soon pronounced cancer free.
    MENOPAUSE set in almost immediately. When a woman has to go through a drastic surgery like this, AND soon after winds up in more pain than before surgery (of course, I KNEW it was going to be MONTHS of healing before things returned to "normal"), it's incredibly radical and excruciating, both physically and mentally. I took some counseling for my feelings of "loss" and disorientation, was reassurd "this too shall pass"...
    I battled feelings of "ugliness", of being almost less than human... it was a constant concern to me: what would I do now, if someday I fell in love with a man who might want children? I felt like an empty HUSK...
    Of course, I stopped worrying about all of those things soon enough, when my condition got WORSE instead of better, and I was dx'd with major deterioration to two lower lumbar vertebrae, as well as moderate-to-severe compression to the spinal cord (spinal stenosis).
    Now, I look back and realize I've been alone, and suffering in solitude, since 2000. No movie date, no new crush -- certainly no "relations" (7 YEARS!!!! Ackk...).
    My sister often suggests I "get out" more, "meet somebody", so I won't be alone the rest of my life...
    Always, I respond with "Yes, I'd like that, too -- but I want to lose some of this weight, get back to where I was before, like myself again, FIRST."
    So, I'm as alone this week as I was two, five, and more seven ago...
    I want to meet someone, but am afraid to get in a relationship where I would have to explain everything to him (and, lose him). My body envelopes me now with a shell that is NOT ME, never was...like a house that was built around me overnight, that I cannot escape from. I would want someone to know and love me for the person INSIDE, not the layers of pain deep exterior that doesn't even remotely resemble "me".

    But I don't want to stay "alone", either. My son is in high school, soon, college (I hope)... Soon I WILL be completely and utterly ALONE in this big house, within the "pain house/shell" that is not me, and that terrifies me.
    How do I justify meeting a man, and expecting him to not only love me in spite of my condition, but with the knowledge that in a year or two I will be in a wheelchair full time, will need a substantial amount of care, and that there are possibilities I'm "broken" in more ways than not (the hysterectomy changed some VERY IMPORTANT things in my life, both emotional and physical)??
    If I meet a man, date him... do I tell him EVERYTHING, all at once, lay the hand I've been dealt on the table? Or do I open up little by little, when to me that would be like luring someone in under false pretenses?

    Does anyone else, here on these boards, understand this tragic dilemma the single of us face (not those who can still appear "normal" -- I'm talking about those of us who've undergone extreme physical changes in a short time, who know from the "get go" that it will be nigh impossible to attract a man (woman, for men) to our hobbling, overweight and obviously-in-pain shadows-of-ourselves?

    Just wondering how others deal with this...
    ;-(
    jipsi

    PS: I suppose this is IMPORTANT to add... I KNOW there are good men out there who WOULD go out with me, look past my conidition, and want to take care of me... BUT, they would be (and are) in most cases a man I would not be attracted to (much older, heavier, just no "chemistry", etc.). I KNOW I can't attract the kind of man I used to (when I was 30, I was dating men up-to-10 years younger than me!), but the pool has narrowed to nothing, now, between the man I'd be ATTRACTED TO, both physically and emotionally, and men I might have nothing in common with, in addition to not being "attracted to" in the least... In shirt, my problem is probably due more to my not being able to "settle" for anything but the "real thing" -- physical attraction AND real love... ;-( I'm NOT SHALLOW, just being true to myself. I wouldn't want or expect someone to be with me if THEY were not attracted to me, as well; it goes both ways...[This Message was Edited on 02/22/2007]
  2. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    my daughters are wanting me to date again alone since 2001 and I just feel who would want a broken person they have to take care of.

    my Brother met someone on the internet locally and they dated 2 years and got married they have been married 3 years now so He told me to check out internet dating sights or local chat rooms.he's 38 now. started dating late in life he wanted to get his carreer on the road first.

    everyone says I am fun to talk to or with and I love to laugh said I would have no problem finding someone but then when they find out the baggage will they stick around. I to have gained a lot of weight and I have never been this size in my life. so self consous about my weight also.

    I am hiding in my house waiting till my mind catches up with my emotions so know how you feel. If you find a solution be sure to share.

  3. minkanyrose

    minkanyrose New Member

    on here "dating with fibro" it is encouraging very help ful information.
  4. cinbad25

    cinbad25 New Member

    I can relate to what you have said. I have been single for over 20 years now. The house has been empty for years now. All I can warn you about; is the internet dating thing. Be careful, very, very careful!!! I started by just looking at profiles to see what was out there. Then started conversing....sometimes I would tell them right up front about Fibro, etc. All I can safely say, is that either way to choose, be careful!! I have had men send me flowers and gifts, and then found out that they were using stolen credit cards for the purchases.....have had men send my counterfeit money orders and ask that I get them cashed...on this one; I was not stupid and never did what they asked....however, did have a friend at the bank look at them and she told me their were counterfeit. I lied and said that I got caught at the bank; and low and behold, they disappeared.....funny, how that works. Don't ever give them personal information!!!! Just be smart about what you say and do. Not all men are like that....you just have to weed out the bad ones. HOwever, I am still looking and it has been almost two years of searching the net.I am turning 50 this weekend and I must say; I am not looking forward to it. Having a chronic illness and being single for so long; are two strikes against me. However, I do not need a man to take care of me; financially or physically. I can do that myself. I just hope that in the future, I will find someone to at least be "my best friend" Besides, I don't have the energy to "clean up after a man" No slam against you men!!! Just the facts...so good luck in your search!