A Father's Morals . . Are we being selfish ? Please help . .

Discussion in 'Caregivers' started by JoshuaT, Jul 29, 2002.

  1. JoshuaT

    JoshuaT New Member


    I am the youngest of three brothers. I'm 25 years old.

    Our mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers approx 10 years ago. Our father has taken care of her through everything. In most cases, he went well above and beyond the call of duty.

    Recently, it became too much for him and we had to make the decision to place her into a home. She has everything done for her and is being well taken care of.

    Shortly ( within a few weeks ) after having her placed into the home, our father found a friend, or what started out as a friend. He now spends most of his time with her. He sat down with us at the beginning and we agreed to certain conditions such as her moving in with Dad while our mother was still alive. He agreed that this wouldn't happen.

    This has changed drastically and now she's going to be moving in with him. We recently we to his house and were also surprised to find pictures of her plastered all over the place, yet there were no pictures of Mom anywhere.

    We know he still loves our mother ( that's not in dispute ).

    If you confront him about things that bother you, his answer is always the same, "Life is too short and I don't want to wait anymore." or "I could be dead in two years, I need to act now."

    Dad is 70 years old and Mom is 65. Dad's girlfriend is 61.

    As far as I'm concerned, this is morally wrong. I think it shows a lack of respect for our mother if he does this.

    He doesn't see it that way though.

    Has anyone else had to deal with anything like this or have any suggestions ?

    Thanks for taking the time to read this message.

  2. Milo83

    Milo83 New Member

    Go back over to the AZ board..I did respond as to how I would feel.............
  3. nesje

    nesje New Member

    i think you should give your father some credit. I know it's hard for you, but your father is probably just trying to have some happiness, that doesn't mean he doesn't love your mum anymore┬Á
  4. DogBoy

    DogBoy New Member


    I don't come to this board very often, but your post moved me Joshua. I don't see any other posts here from you, but I hope you'll come back.

    Your feeling about what your father's doing make sense to me. Seeing him with somebody else in the house while your mother is still alive has to be incredibly hard. Still, I hope you'll not judge him too harshly and find a way to be understanding.

    I have a wife who's had severe CFS for 3.5 years. Watching this vibrant woman that I love so much have her body turn on her and take away so many of her (and our) dreams has been unbelievably painful. It's brought me a bit of wisdom too. I was 30 years old when she got sick. That's still really young. Watching my wife's weakness and realizing some of the things that we will never share together has brought me my first inklings of what it's like to facing aging and mortality. It's kind of a lonely thing, because my wife's disease is so unusual. Even seeing her every day I know that I can never really understand what she's going through, and I don't really have anyone in my life with a good perspective on what I'm going through (even though some relatives who have dealt with a seriously ill spouse come close).

    At least I'm young and vibrant and have lots of hope for my wife to get better. I think about your father and his watching his life's love decay in such horrendous fashion (I've seen Alzheimers), and I know I could never fathom his experience. Ten years is a long time and your dad has undoubtedly sufferred tremendously. Seventy has to look a whole lot different than 25. I mean your body hasn't even begun to decline, but he has to facing the prospect of not being around all that much longer. Can you really imagine what it's like for him? I don't think so. You don't have the experiences to really understand his position.

    I'm not saying you don't have right to be angry. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell your dad about it. I'm just saying that you should try and really think about his perspective. Stay an advocate for you mom, but try not to judge your father too harshly. Good luck to you.