I haven't been on here for a while. i was actually avoiding it. i seem to be doing so much of that recently. is that always a bad thing? i suppose it is, but i feel like i will crack if i carry on smiling and crap when i don't want to. its THE face, the one i think i've worn for so long i don't know what's underneath. i'm stuck and, for all the words people throw, alone. but that's ok, isn't it? i just need a change, but i've just had one, so that isn't the answer. what is? nothing, and that just depresses me more. the worst thing is, i cannot tell this sort of stuff to anyone, but not because of them. i'm sure they would be (well a few of them at least) supportive. i think i feel ashamed. i feel like a fake. i would like to blame society for this, for not believing i was sick in the first place, that i made it all up. i'd like to blame my parents for giving me the complex in the first place. i'd like to blame everybody but myself. but the thing is, i know that there is no one to blame, maybe its me. and when i do let a small piece of information seep through, the magnitude is not comprehended, or im complemented. people always tell me im beautiful, but i don't see it at all. i think i'm ok, nothing special. and every aspect of myself i see that way. i think im just relying on other people to validate me. i dont actually think i'm making sense. i'm just sad. in every sense of the word, (part of my face are jokes - however lame they are). k.