A male perspective

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Wreckless, Dec 9, 2002.

  1. Wreckless

    Wreckless New Member

    Hi
    I am a man with fibro, and still I am able to understand. The first time I knew there was something really wrong was when my brother asked my wife if she was afraid of me, and she said yes. She also said the kids were afraid of me. I asked them, and it was true. I was shocked because I am a non violent person, I stopped spanking my kids several years earlier when I learned it was wrong(in my opinion) to spank kids. And I have never struck my wife in any manner, or any female for that matter. However, it turned out that I was angry all the time, and yelling and screaming all the time, at all of them. Had anyone asked me before that day, I would have bet my bottom dollar that my wife and kids thought of me as a loving father and husband. I never considered myself to be angry. But as I looked back, it was true. I tried desperately for over a year and a half to not be angry, to stop yelling, and to apologize and back down when I was wrong. IN a matter of time, I was back to my same old habits. It nearly cost me my marriage. My wife finally told me that her and the kids dreaded me coming home from work each day. It was only several months after that, that my depression spun out of control, I was crying all the time, I hated my life, i did not want to go anywhere, even to the store. I finally went to my doctor and started getting treated for depression. I told my doctor of the pain that i have had over the last ten years or so, and he thought I had tendonitis, but refered me to a rhuematologist. After several sets of blood tests, and a physical exam, it was determined I had fibro. But by this time, I had such severe pain, fatigue, and loss of strength, i could no longer work. For me, I feel like this is a "deal breaker". I can no longer fulfill my end of the bargain I made with my wife so long ago. If that were not enough, I also am having a great deal of trouble functioning sexually. So I feel pretty worthless to my wife and kids. I feel like dead weight. This causes an extreme loss of self esteem, and prolly makes me pretty touchy about things i might normally not be touchy about. I know my wife loves me, but I also know that I am not the source of pride for here I once was. I used to be sucessful in my trade, made a great living, and had sex with my wife 3-4 times a week. Now I don't work, can not even stand in the kitchen long enough to cook a meal, and even if I have the energy and desire to have sex, i usually run out of strength before i can reach orgasm. My wife tries to be understanding, but i feel like I am ruining her life. It is much nicer now that I am on prozac and I am no longer angry, but I can't see any reason my wife would want to stay married to me, I feel like a burdon to her. I can not provide for her, I can not do all the things with my children I used to, and I can not make love to my wife, they way we used to. I feel weak, and not like a protector/provider. I suppose women have many of these same issues of feeling worthless and like a burdon, but I am not sure they have the same instinctual need to be a provider, but i think their instinct to be caregivers causes these same feelings. I don't know how to regain my self esteem.
    Rudy
  2. Wreckless

    Wreckless New Member

    Hi
    I am a man with fibro, and still I am able to understand. The first time I knew there was something really wrong was when my brother asked my wife if she was afraid of me, and she said yes. She also said the kids were afraid of me. I asked them, and it was true. I was shocked because I am a non violent person, I stopped spanking my kids several years earlier when I learned it was wrong(in my opinion) to spank kids. And I have never struck my wife in any manner, or any female for that matter. However, it turned out that I was angry all the time, and yelling and screaming all the time, at all of them. Had anyone asked me before that day, I would have bet my bottom dollar that my wife and kids thought of me as a loving father and husband. I never considered myself to be angry. But as I looked back, it was true. I tried desperately for over a year and a half to not be angry, to stop yelling, and to apologize and back down when I was wrong. IN a matter of time, I was back to my same old habits. It nearly cost me my marriage. My wife finally told me that her and the kids dreaded me coming home from work each day. It was only several months after that, that my depression spun out of control, I was crying all the time, I hated my life, i did not want to go anywhere, even to the store. I finally went to my doctor and started getting treated for depression. I told my doctor of the pain that i have had over the last ten years or so, and he thought I had tendonitis, but refered me to a rhuematologist. After several sets of blood tests, and a physical exam, it was determined I had fibro. But by this time, I had such severe pain, fatigue, and loss of strength, i could no longer work. For me, I feel like this is a "deal breaker". I can no longer fulfill my end of the bargain I made with my wife so long ago. If that were not enough, I also am having a great deal of trouble functioning sexually. So I feel pretty worthless to my wife and kids. I feel like dead weight. This causes an extreme loss of self esteem, and prolly makes me pretty touchy about things i might normally not be touchy about. I know my wife loves me, but I also know that I am not the source of pride for here I once was. I used to be sucessful in my trade, made a great living, and had sex with my wife 3-4 times a week. Now I don't work, can not even stand in the kitchen long enough to cook a meal, and even if I have the energy and desire to have sex, i usually run out of strength before i can reach orgasm. My wife tries to be understanding, but i feel like I am ruining her life. It is much nicer now that I am on prozac and I am no longer angry, but I can't see any reason my wife would want to stay married to me, I feel like a burdon to her. I can not provide for her, I can not do all the things with my children I used to, and I can not make love to my wife, they way we used to. I feel weak, and not like a protector/provider. I suppose women have many of these same issues of feeling worthless and like a burdon, but I am not sure they have the same instinctual need to be a provider, but i think their instinct to be caregivers causes these same feelings. I don't know how to regain my self esteem.
    Rudy
  3. popgun

    popgun New Member

    Hi Rudy,your story is like others, all these feelings are very normal. I have the same problems and the only way I can explain it is it SUCKS. After 25 years of this stuff I still have the same issues to deal with. I will tell you what I have done to try and cope, but I won't lie to you not working has not got any easier on me, not a day goes by without it getting me down, sorry I just have to be blunt on the subject ,it is the worst part of FMS. The part of your anger is very normal, I got counciling for my verbal abuse, this was a major issue to overcome and help with your family issues.I take 50 mil. grams of elivil and 20mil grs of Paxil( its like Prozac but my Doc felt it was safer then Prozac) I take them 2hrs before bedtime. They help me with my sleep and fatiuge. Paxil and Prozac both deminish sex drive. I do some odd jobs for people but tell them it will take me a while but if they have time I work for very little, and it is more for my dignity. The most important thing I can pass on to you is not to take your anger out on your family there is no one who can understand your pain both phy. and emotional. As far as pain goes if I have a good min, hr. or day I can't even understand how bad it is till it hits me agin. good luck Lonnie
  4. kadywill

    kadywill New Member

    Hi! I am so glad you feel comfortable enough to post such a personal message; it is one most Fibro/CFIDS med will share, I guarantee you. I can understand your fears and frustration as I live with a man who has had to live with health changes and age-related issues over the past few years. He doesn't have Fibro, but he had severe Hyperthyroidism following a botched up knee surgery/infection and we let it go on way too long before seeking medical attention. As a nurse, I will never forgive myself for not recognizing that he was in danger; instead, I almost let him die and he has suffered from health-related problems since then. He has a slight heart problem and takes a med for depression/anxiety at my insistence. He gets so frustrated with himself when he doesn't have the energy or stamina he thinks he should have. You guys carry a lot of guilt around when you can't "provide" the way you were taught you should provide and it is a heavy burden for you. Times have changed and the husband doesn't have to be "The Provider" any longer; not in the traditional sense, at least. I understand that you feel that your family suffers as a result of your not working; I feel the same way and I'm a woman, but I made a good living prior to my taking a LOA 4 weeks ago, but I know that I was killing myself by working like I was and I was really doing nothing here at home. All I did was work and come home and go to bed~~my husband did everything else and it WAS killing him, too. We're having it rough financially, but our house is clean and our clothes are clean and he has a hot meal on the table each evening and I am able to shop for our groceries and supplies and I can even take the trash to the recycle center for him. See, he WAS having to do ALL of this in addition to working 12 hours a day. I DO pull my weight now, PLUS, I am much easier to live with and I don't walk around like a tired old dog with my butt dragging all the time.
    Now, regarding the sexual issue.....I am sure you know that you don't have to continue with the same old physically demanding way of pleasing your wife and her pleasing you! There are ways that are much more Fibro-friendly and quite exciting, if I do say so myself! Experiment....If you have no sex drive, tell the doctor and he will work with meds/treatments to help you. You can have mutually pleasing lovemaking with this illness, if you want to. If your marriage is only about the old, male-dominant missionary sex, you could be in trouble and if your aerobic routine was a 2 hour marathon, you might want to rethink that, but there is hope for loving, satisfying mini-sessions when you feel like it! The word "quickie" comes to mind.
    Most of all, please talk to your wife about your feelings and your fears. Most women I know would understand this.
    Kady
  5. Kim

    Kim New Member

    Why not let your wife read the message you posted? Then let her read some of our posts about the illness.

    I noticed that you used the word "pride" in your post. Pride is not the same as love. Pride can be a very disabling desire. Your wife doesn't have to be proud of you to love you. I believe a family should experience joy together, peace, and love. Achievement, whether it's pushing your 11 year old to be the best soccer player or boasting your husband can have sex with you three times a day can be very dangerous, emotionally and spiritually. I know because I used to be so full of myself and proud of my accomplishments, getting sick was quite a fall. Sometimes when you're at bottom you realize the truly important things.

    PS I think it's wonderful that you came here to get help and that you are so concerned about your family.

    God bless you.

    kim
  6. alsu

    alsu New Member

    Hi Rudy.
    Alan here,i to am a mail with f.m&c.f.s.Had this DD for about 15 years.I don't think i would be able to cope to the degree i do now with out the help of my wife & family.
    I've been through all the feelings you mension.So to has my wife.The only answer is to talk,talk,talk.Don't be afraid to say sorry.
    There is another site,frbrohugs dot com,it has two letters you can read,1st letter,Letter to normals.This helps people
    to understand us,2nd is.Letter to F.Ms.To help us understand,normals that have us to cope with.
    Regarding sex,i was given viagra.This helped the abilty but i still lacked the desire.I then had a testosterone test.I was 30% below normal.I've now had 3of4 fortnightly injections,i don't know my level yet but my desire has increased and i am less relient on viagra.It's worth getting this checked out.
    I have posted this on site before and recieved two interesting replies from ladies,Worth you looking up.Seems this can be a comon problem for men with F.M/C.F.S.
    Hope more men read this this time.
    Hope this will be of some help to you.

    Alan.....U.K
  7. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    Alan - Just wanted to say I am SO glad the testosterone protocol is helping you. It made my day to see such good news.

    Rudy - I agree with the person who said let your wife read your post. 99% of men would not have gone to the trouble of posting, let alone being so open and vulnerable. It's a great starting point for a discussion.

    Peace,
    Klutzo

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