A message to me from God

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ForeverFlaring, May 1, 2003.

  1. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member

    Hi all.

    A few days ago I was more down than I have been in ages. I went to a psychologist earlier in the day and felt good about the session. Later that evening a few stressful things hit me pretty hard. I don't know why, but the depression I had been experiencing tripled and I was at a place I had only been a few other times in my life. My head was throbbing like it was going to explode, tears were pouring down my face and everything hurt to the point of insanity. I laid in bed and closed my eyes but all I kept thinking of was how wonderful it would be to end it all. I even saw images of myself in the act of doing this.

    I went downstairs to put dishes away just to get my mind off things and it hit me even harder as I was putting my butcher knife away. I will not lie and say the thought didn't hit me. It hit me as far as me touching the point of the knife. My heart furiously argued with my brain..do it dont do it do it dont do it do it dont do it. As I was lost somewhere in the middle of the argument I was brought back to reality by a huge pain on the left side of my chest that made me double over and drop the knife. The immediate emotion I felt was blinding fear. I feared I was having a heart attack. I immediately thought of my children and how lost they would be without me. I thought of my husband raising them on his own. I thought of my family missing me, and the tears my mother would shed at losing me. All these thoughts happened in a millisecond as the pain hit me. I called my husband into the kitchen and he must have heard the fear in my voice because he came running. He saw me crouched on the floor with tears and rage and fear on my face. He saw the knife next to me.

    He held me for awhile and he helped me upstairs to go lay down. As I laid there I prayed to God to please, please help me. The answer I got in return was..."I just did."
  2. tannat

    tannat New Member

    says is all
  3. bejo

    bejo New Member

    As I've always heard-God works in mysterious ways-.
    Love ya (((((((()))))))))
  4. stepmom

    stepmom New Member

    That hits home more than you could possible know!!!!!!!!!
    I needed that today!

    Lots of prayers your way!!
    Gena
  5. OuchyMama

    OuchyMama New Member

    I have had too many of those days to count so I know how you feel. I am so glad you were still able to see your worth and the grace of God even in a low moment. Bless You
  6. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member

    I didn't want to post it, as it would show how vulnerable I am and even was ready to stop posting it a few times...but for some reason I "had" to post it. If it meant something to you all, I am glad.

    Please understand I am not really that screwed up..maybe I am, but it was just a very bad night. Thankfully it passed.
  7. kerrymygirl

    kerrymygirl New Member

    I am sure many of us who live in chronic pain and fatigue& all the rest, at sometime the thought has crossed ones mind how much more & how long can I live with all the losses. I am sure it was not easy for you to even type it. If you helped 1 person be so proud of yourself, as you noticed from posts you did more than that. It is weird how bad 1 day can look, then when the sun comes up on a new day everything can be put back into perspective. Suicide is very high with people with fm. I was shocked at group how many people had Dr. Kovorkian?whatever, spellinng? anywho,so many admitted to keeping his no. He did have 4 people with fm on list. People are afraid to speak of this problem but it is huge if 1 life is lost to fm/cfids.
  8. sofy

    sofy New Member

    I found your post empowering and imspirational. To know you were in the depths of such a dark place and be pluck up and out is nothing less than miraculous. Now some will say it was God's hand who reached down and touched you and others will say it was the mind body connection saving yourself. It makes no matter, to me, how you accredit this saving event. What matters is that it happened and that you now know you can go to the bottom of the pit and survive and even gain strength from the trip. This knowledge will make you less fearful of the down times that can come when our bodies get so tired we dont think we can take another step. You now know you can step back, allow yourself to rest and then get up and move foreword one step at a time. I have finally quit fighting and allowed myself to be who I am at the moment and sometimes its a very tired person.
  9. MemoryLane

    MemoryLane Member

    Thank you for having the strength to post this. I too have walked that jagged edge many times and also have looked upon "tools" with contemplation of the task. It takes great courage to be in that place in between - struggling and yet wanting to be free of your misery. But as you so elegantly put it, your profound experience saved the suffering of many who are dear to you and who hold you dear.

    Love,
    Lane

  10. ForeverFlaring

    ForeverFlaring New Member

    You know, if it weren't for people like all of you, I never would have been able to bear my soul this way. I have been coming here for a month now but it seems as if all of you are an extended family for me. I can sit here and laugh with some of you. Other times I weep for your pain and heartache. I am so glad I found this site so warm and so full of compassion, understanding and love.

    God Bless us all.
    Sandy (FF)
  11. dolsgirl

    dolsgirl New Member

    for you! It is good that you realized the devastation that you would have left behind.

    Many of us have felt as you and continue on. One day at a time. dolsgirl
  12. billiegail

    billiegail New Member

    It was "Angels watching over me" It goes something like this...
    Angels watching over me
    Their all around, but I can't see
    I know I'm young and still growing
    But, I smile just in knowing
    Angels... Are watching over me.

    They were watching over you that day and the hand of God himself was touching your heart.
    God bless you and Thanks for sharing such a personal and private moment with us.
    You will never know how many times I think of that horrible act myself.
    Love
    ~BillieGail~
  13. fibrorebel

    fibrorebel New Member

    one of those miracles that so many say can't be proven!!!!
    That is what is so very awesome about our Father, no matter how big or small the miracle for those of us that experience them they are more real to us than the air we breathe and stay with us forever. Thanks for sharing this as we have all been to the point of complete and utter despair. We all just need to remember that His love is bigger than these illnesses and so he protects us (sometimes even from ourselves) and gives us strength for the day and causes us to reflect on things just enough for us to realize that we are all a motley bunch of heroes that
    though often forgotten here on earth are quite highly regarded in Heaven. In fact, I'm not all that sure that He hasn't sent a few of His angels to us on this board.
    love and peace, Rebel
  14. Susan07

    Susan07 New Member

    Thank you - I really, truly needed that - right now, today. Thank you for sharing something so personal.
  15. layinglow

    layinglow New Member

    I know how hard, and vulnerable this made you feel to post this. Yet you did so, unselfishly. We all need to remember when we are feeling totally lost, hopeless, and helpless, is when we are being taken care of the most.
    Thank you for being a blessing to this board.
    LL
  16. Betsy2

    Betsy2 New Member

    Wow!! What a blessing that God spoke to you in your moment of need. I know he is always there and he appears in mysterious ways. When I had that same thought few years back, through the grace of God I came to my senses and realized I needed therapy. Keep in mind that therapy does not mean you are crazy. It gives you someone to talk to that is more objective than a family member or friend. My therapist did not offer opinions. He just listened and asked questions to make me realize what I could do to help myself. I was truly blessed. I keep a "Footprints" plaque posted on the wall next to my bed to remind me that he is definitely taking care of me and watching over me every moment. I will say a prayer for you. God bless you!!

    Betsy2
    [This Message was Edited on 05/02/2003]
  17. lin21

    lin21 New Member

    Boy, was your post needed today. Reading it made me feel a little bit better. I'm finding myself in that place, I guess as we all do. It isn't just dealing with this DD, I think it's worse dealing with all these damn people that don't understand, think we are faking, or just lazy. I am certain that's what sends us into depression, not the DD.
  18. lin21

    lin21 New Member

    Boy, was your post needed today. Reading it made me feel a little bit better. I'm finding myself in that place, I guess as we all do. It isn't just dealing with this DD, I think it's worse dealing with all these damn people that don't understand, think we are faking, or just lazy. I am certain that's what sends us into depression, not the DD.
  19. lin21

    lin21 New Member

    Boy, was your post needed today. Reading it made me feel a little bit better. I'm finding myself in that place, I guess as we all do. It isn't just dealing with this DD, I think it's worse dealing with all these damn people that don't understand, think we are faking, or just lazy. I am certain that's what sends us into depression, not the DD.