A mother feeling guilty, HELP

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kalley167, Aug 8, 2005.

  1. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    I have a 19 yr old getting ready to get married next year. I was pricing moving her onto her own auto insurance and it will save me alot of money but raise her slightly. I guess I wasn't charging her as much as I should have. So anyways she agreed to move onto her own policy if I thought it was a good idea.So I went ahead with it.
    Well now I feel guilty because it will raise what she was paying by $20.00/month, she is doing ok with money she has a good job but I feel mean now.But I know she will have bills coming with trying to set up house and all. I am almost crying here at work that she may feel like I am pushing her out on her own. But she is planning on moving out sometime this year (thank goodness just down the road) I know she is almost 20 and she should be paying her own bills whch she paid me what I told her too.
    I stil have a 16 yr old son on our policy and he was also being rated on her newer car and I paid tha difference. This will save me about 100.00 a month by doing this. Am I mean? Why do I let things like this bother me so much I feel as if my heart is breaking. I am not sure if this is just because this is a step towards her leaving of if I am just nuts !! Any other mothers out there that can relate to this.
    [This Message was Edited on 08/08/2005]
  2. ldbgcoleman

    ldbgcoleman New Member

    You daughter sounds like a nice girl ready to take responsibility for herself. She needs to learn that life is expensive. Why don't you take some of the money you savce and buy her something she needs when she moves out on her own. Don't feel guilty I think you are a good and loving Mom! Lynn
  3. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    is that this is not about $20 but about you feeling like you are losing your daughter.

    Sonya

    PS. The best thing you can give your kids, besides faith in Christ, is responsibility, because without it, it is impossible to become responsible and then when they get out on their own they founder because they don't know what to do.

    The cost of living for an adult should be paid by that adult as much as he or she is able without parental help (just my opinion and everyone has one!)
  4. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    You are probably right. I think part of it is the letting her grow up thing. I am not sure how I am going to deal with this. You would think I wouldn't be so bad since she is only moving up the road, still on our farm. But I guess just the fact that I have no more babies is getting to me. I know this is my time of life to enjoy but it went so fast. My son is 16 and doesn't need me as much either. They have been my life my world.
    Where do I go from here??
    I know there are many more good times with them to come and my Hubby and I will enjoy being able to go, but...
    Sniffeling again. Dang it..
  5. Christinetee

    Christinetee New Member

    were born with feeling guilty. It has won over me for years. My son is 23 and married with 2 step-sons who adore him. I help him out when he rarely asks as you can too with your daughter if she does need help from time to time. You do them a much bigger favour by allowing them to experience all aspects of life. The more difficult some situations, the more they will learn from them. Just let them know you'll always be there for them if they should ever need a helping hand. It's your job to make sure they don't take advantage of you though. That does not help them to be independant at all. It's hard to stick to your guns in certain circumstances, but most of the time, it's better for them in the long run.

    My son moved down the road to but I cried and cried. It's a huge adjustment for Mom's especially, to let go of one of their babies. You will be okay and in time, you'll have your children's babies to spoil.

    You sound like a typical Mom who loves her kids. I'm with the lady who said you've did a great job in raising your daughter. Now you can sit back and give thanks to how your hard work has paid off.

    Hugs, Lynda
  6. kalley167

    kalley167 New Member

    It's helps to know this is a normal reaction. I just feel like such a sap LOL
    Thanks all for your advice and support.
  7. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    hi,
    i bought my first car on my own at 16 years, paid for all maintence and auto insurance, i worked on sat and sundays at a hospital 7-3 am to earn my money plus summer and even worked on christmas and that is my b-day as well. then i had to buy my own school clothes, graduation pics everything pertaining to it invitations, open ;house stuff. a pay my parents 200$ month rent, plus do chores of a mother should do. came home cooked dinner and laudry dishes for 6 people in my family.

    then i went to college at local jr college, fulltime school and fulltime work, with all the above to do and shared a double bed with my sister until i got married at the age of 22 years. i never ever borrowed money, got help w/school anything. and you gonna love this, i couldn't get studnet grants loans, because i lived at home and my parents made over $100,000 a year in battle creek, michigan. they could afford to have two nice homes one in traverse city 3 snowmobiles 9 motorcycles and sponsered guys to race for my dad, but couldn't help out any of thier kids.

    yoiu daughter is 19 now time for her to grow up and be responsible with the law. not that she isn't but you got her through this long she will be fine.

    i'm not saying to be hard nosed, but i have a 15 year old son, he as already spoke of getting a job to help pay for my rent of 1245.oo a month here in cali. but i don't want him to becasue it is not his job. when he turns 18 years after he graduates, he will have more resonsibilites. also, if he wnats to drive he has to pay the differrence on my auto insurance, about 50$ extra right. i can not afford it so he can save his money and he is ok with it. your daughter will move on to her net chapter in life just fine.
  8. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    You will be okay. But I think you know that. Now is the time maybe to do some volunteer work, take a college class or get a new hobby. Time for you.

    It reminds me of that Suzy Boggus song, "Letting Go"

    She'll take the painting in the hallway,
    The one she did in jr. high
    And that old lamp up in the attic,
    She'll need some light to study by.

    She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
    She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway

    Oh oh letting go
    There's nothing in the way now,
    Oh letting go, there's room enough to fly
    And even though, she's spent her whole life waiting,
    It's never easy letting go.

    Mother sits down at the table
    So many things she'd like to do
    Spend more time out in the garden
    Now she can get those books read too.

    She's had 18 years to get ready for this day
    She should be past the tears, she cries some anyway.

    Chorus (twice)

    I remember the day I realized my oldest was too big to pick up anymore (she was 6) and I sat down and cried. Hubby thought I was nuts. She is 17 now and lives with her Dad (1st husband) and I have not even heard from her since the beginning of June...I guess she is not missing me a bit.

    The Lord graciously gave me a second daughter (now 11), even though I had not planned on having more children (the sponge DOES NOT work! LOL), because He knew she would be my lifeline in these times and many others when only her arms around my neck would do to ease the pain of my mother's death or some other heart ache.

    At least your baby is not moving far and she still loves you...

    God Bless,
    Sonya
  9. backporchrags

    backporchrags New Member

    At age 16 I started driving. My father never allowed me to be on his policy. I had to take care of all the expences myself, insurance, title, tags and buying the car.
    This never bothered me. It was my responsability at the start and I believe I was a more responsable teen driver because of it.
    I was made to be responsable for everything in my teen years. I had a job and paid my own way. When I left home at 15 I was fully prepared to handle my finances.
    I believe we as Americans do not let our children grow up until their 20's. Then we are surprised when they act like children as young adults.
    I in no way meen to disregard your feelings. I understand how difficult it is to let your children make their own decisions and mistakes. Don't feel guilty, she will become a better and more responsable adult for having to handle her own expenses.
    I believe you are doing the right thing to help your daughter become a responsable adult.
    Hugs,
    A
  10. FM58

    FM58 New Member

    You are doing a wonderful job at being a Mom! Instilling values & pride in your children. Your kids learn & value things much more when they pay for things themselves.

    My boys each are on our car insurance- but they each pay their part of it! My husband has an actual contract worked out with my oldest son for the insurance and some other debts he incrued. He pays it on a timely basis in cash.

    A friend of the family - did everything for their son always. Well, supposedly he got a "full ride" on an athletic scholarship to a small college. Well, needless to say this boy flunked out in the very first semester. He has ruined 2 cars. Parents are now paying off one of those cars - bought him another car, pay the insurance, and are now paying off a student loan for that one flunked out semester! Now they are paying tuition for him to go to cosmetology school, quite an expensive one at that!

    So, instilling good values in your children is one of the finest things a Mom can do : )

    Best of luck with the upcoming wedding for you Mother of the bride & your daughter!

    Hugs,
    Patty