A Predicament, Need Advice

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by terrisews, Jun 9, 2008.

  1. terrisews

    terrisews New Member

    I am in a predicament. My dd’s are 21 and 18 and they both live with my dh and me. I am very proud of them both, they are very intelligent, beautiful girls, both in college on academic scholarships. The oldest has a 22 month old daughter of her own that also lives with us. I have been her primary caretaker since she was born, due to my dd’s school schedule. She is a senior this coming year but is taking a class on line and working this summer. The other daughter is also working this summer while school is out. The first problem that I have is that these 2 girls are pigs. But now the predicament, this flare has been lasting going on 3 months and my 22 month old is really rambunctious. She weighs 40 lbs and she climbs all over me and hurts me and I can no longer pick up after her messes. I don’t think I can take care of her much longer and I don’t know how to tell my daughter and dh as they depend on me so much and there really isn’t an alternative sitter. My dgd father is a druggie so he’s out. Any suggestions are welcome.

    Terri in TN

    [This Message was Edited on 06/09/2008]
  2. landra

    landra New Member

    You need to sit down with the family and tell them what you cannot do any more.

    You say the girls are pigs - well, if they were on their own, they would have to clean up, right? So they have to help now, too! Each of them could have a few "chores" to do. At the least - wash their own clothes!

    Your daughter has to make day care arrangements for her daughter; yes, the state helps with child care expenses for low income parents.

    You can ask them to understand and help out. But if that does not work, you have to be ready with your limits are. No one likes change and they may very well resist. But the bottom line is you have to take care of you!! Because if you get too worn out, you will be bedridden and then they will HAVE to do it all!
  3. DeborahLynn

    DeborahLynn Member

    You are in a tough spot! Yesterday, I had a friend and her daughter over for a few hours, and just that little bit has increased all my symptoms 10-fold; please, evaluate your options... If I were in that situation, my heart would be tugging at me to help in every way possible, but my mind knows I couldn't handle it. I'd pray about it.

    I wish I had wisdom and experience to share; the best I can do is suggest prayer!



    P.S. Landra and Peachums have great suggestions! They must have posted while I was writing this![This Message was Edited on 06/09/2008]
  4. terrisews

    terrisews New Member

    I'm not a no kind of person especially with my children. I really know that I should be now. I've ask them to do chores, I am ignored and I don't have the energy to follow through. Oh, and about being bed ridden. I have been and the toddler was still left in my care for me to deal with. I know, its time to get some backbone.

    Terri in TN
  5. terrisews

    terrisews New Member

    Thank you for the prayers, that is the number 1 thing anyone can do for any one else. Since I was there at her birth and have taken care of my granddaughter just abot everyday since, I am truly in love with her. I miss her when she is gone from the house or if I am. If she's not with me, I'm thinking about her. I don't know if I wouldn't be jealous for someone else to watch her. If only I wasn't so tired and have so much pain.

    Terri in TN
  6. ellikers

    ellikers New Member

    Hi Terri!

    I agree with Landra that your daughters need to hear how their irresponsibility (picking up after themselves, etc) seriously and negatively affects you. yes, they are your kids but they are also grown ups and as a 25 year old myself, I can attest that they should NOT be leaving you to clean up their messes! You are being a wonderfully generous soul by helping support them and house them, and they need to have a set of rules THEY need to stick to to hold up THEIR END OF THE BARGAIN.

    In terms of your spunky kiddo ;) ... do you know if the daughter's school has any sort of day care program? Schools where I live have special care centers for students, and frequently give big discounts to make it affordable for students families, especially single mothers, etc. That might be something to look into. Even if it does cost SOME money, perhaps you can work out something so that at least part of the time you can get a break and the kiddo can get some quality time with other kids, run around where OTHER people are running after her, and get some good structured pre-school education time at her too. Another option is headstart programs!!

    Just some thoughts. :)
  7. CanBrit

    CanBrit Member

    I don't know what it is with kids in their 20's (and early 30's like my daughter). My son is 29. They were raised in a tidy house. They had chores they were paid to do. One did the living room, the other did the dishes, and they alternated each week.

    My daughter's room was always an absolute pigstye. I remember reading an column where it said just to shut the door. That it wasn't worth fighting about. Now I'm not so sure.

    My son used to be fairly tidy. He'd do up his room once a week. Now he's with his fiance in an apartment and my daughter and son-in-law have a townhouse they bought new.
    The carpets had to be ripped up after 2years! There are clothes all over the landing and you can't even see the floors in their bedroom or the kids.

    My son's place is constantly messy. They only have 900 square feet. We have 2600 sq ft to look after as well as an acre of land. I can't say the basement is always tidy but everything else is sure dusted and cleaned.

    What a wonderful thing to look after your granddaughter but I don't know how you do it on a regular basis. My youngest grandson is 16 months old and we usually take him overnight once a month. I don't think I could handle much more without help. They're very active at that age and even one day with him knocks me out for 3.

    Can your dh step in a bit more? Maybe the daughters could share more of the duty when they're not working. Your health is too important to let yourself get run down. I'd have a family meeting and talk about this. You need to get a break and soon.

    All the best,