A serious question...warning my be upsetting and too personal

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Sheila1366, Mar 29, 2006.

  1. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    These last few days have been so painful.

    Last night I cried in my bed just thinking of my furture.

    I realized why some end it all due to pain.

    Has this ever happened to any of you?

    I don't want to die, I want to live but pain can make you crazy and out of your mind with ways to stop the pain.

    Last night the thoughts ran throw my head.I am normally an upbeat person even in pain but last night was so hard.

    If you feel like sharing please do.I want to hear how you keep it togther.I think this is a type of support we need to share cause I am sure I am not alone.

    [This Message was Edited on 03/29/2006]
  2. zion1971

    zion1971 New Member


    your message was not disturbing. physical pain is hard on the mind. i know; i struggle to keep hope too. in the beginning i thought of suicide often. i never had a structured plan or anything, i just thought it would end the ceaseless suffering.

    my faith is what keeps me together. i believe that God can, and will, use my suffering to help someone else. now, i focus on ways that i can share my story and help other CFIDS/Fibro sufferers, esp those who are new to the illness.

    hang in there. always remember that there are "good" bad days and "bad" bad days (hope that is not confusing). on a bad bad day, know that it is temporary. think about it. we are a group of strong individuals. i see family and friends depressed over a bad cold or flu that we know is going to go away. a little headache sends them to bed. we endure pain and suffering chronically. so, we have fortitude.

    i must say and should have started out with this: if you seriously are considering suicide, please seek professional help immediately! this thing is hard to live with. often, we don't have the support system that a lot of other illnesses may have. so, we often suffer in isolation. it is that isolation that leads us to think, sometimes, that ending it would be the answer. a professional can examine you and see what you need, whether it be medication or counseling.

    so please seek help if you find yourself taking this thought too seriously. a little self-pity is understandable, but anything beyond that is dangerous.

    i hope i helped. hang in there. we are all with you.
  3. JLH

    JLH New Member

    You really need to have a serious discussion with your primary care doc, your pain mgt doc, or your physchologist regarding your feelings. You need to explain to them how your quality of life has deterioated to the point that you feel like this.

    You need to give your docs a good picture on how you can not function during the day--that you can't function to the point that these thoughts run through you head often.

    Once they understand this, hopefully, they will be more willing to help you. My daughter is a physician and has told me than rather than telling a doctor that you are in so much pain (which makes them immediately think you are just there to seek more narcotics), you should tell them what I said above -- that you can no longer function during the day to do your normal daily activities due to "______" and that your quality of life is now about a zero.

    She says they are a lot more apt to want to help you that way.

    Please try this with one, or all, of your doctors and see if they can help you. Also, once they hear that desparation in your voice about your thoughts, I KNOW they will help you.

    Please call your doctor soon, Sheila, because I really worry about your health.

    Love you,
  4. futurehope

    futurehope New Member

    I have felt this way too.

    You need to talk to your Doctor and get on some good antidepressants, if you are not already. I know some people are against antidepressants, but if it was not for these drugs, I truly believe I would not be here today.

    I also believe (if you believe in God) hand everthing over to him. Surrender to him and tell him that you do not have the strength to do it all on your own. I sware this has worked for me. Have you ever heard the country song (cannot remember the name, but it is on the charts now). A female sings it. Some of the words are "Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, because I cannot do this on my own". There is a lot more to the song, but I recommend you listening to it.

    I hope this helps in some way. These things have helped me a lot.

    Love and prayers,
  5. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I do have times when I feel like that. I'm not sure I have a handle on it yet like others here seem to.

    I am still stuggling to accept this condition and what it means for me, and my future. On the really bad days I think it would be so easy to end it all and be done with it, but I've never gone so far as to make a plan to do it.

    I've just finished 7 months of counselling, but I dont feel that the counsellor really "got" the CFS thing, and I always felt like she thought it was just depression, or that I was exaggerating my physical symptoms. It has put me off seeking more counselling for awhile.

    I'm looking forward to reading other responses to your post, as this is something I myself struggle with to.
  6. hope4today

    hope4today New Member

    Dear Shiela:

    Sometimes in my bitter moments pain and isolation overwhelm me and I can't "think happpy thoughts" or trust the God I love. I think of how people fall over themselves to stand by their friends and family that have cancer. It's so dramatic, so quantifiable.

    But here I am alone and imprisoned in a body that is cooperating less and less and I watch my 23 year old daughter already well down that same road.

    I have a cry. I call a friend to distract me. I cling to the promise that God will never send more than I can handle. I seize the hope that there are better days ahead.

    I agree with the suggestions listed above...don't minimize your pain. Find someone who will listen whether it's a suicide prevention line, your doctor or a trusted friend.

    But the bottom line is that most of us have days where we share your perspective and struggle to regain balance.

    Today is that kind of a day for me but I know that no matter what my pain level is at the moment there still is joy ahead in my life even if I can't imagine it at the moment.

  7. lorrie4real

    lorrie4real New Member

    Hi Sheila;
    You definatley not alone, before I knew what was wrong with me, I was so depressed I could'nt even get out of bed and dress or eat. So I attempted suicide, did'nt work thank god. But it brought me out of it and I started researching everything I could, I got worn out with so many things that you cann do for you illness that I did'nt know which one to start with. So I went to my orthopedic DR. and He put me in a physical therapy class for fibro and chronic fatigue. I learned to do mild streches and excercised to lossen my muscles. Then I did'nt know what to do for the pain, I have done so many things I was driving mysef crazy, So I just took one thing at a time and tried them, so supplements, some physical therapy but most of all knowledge, there is so many different things to do for this diseases, and sometimes I would cry and want to just go to sleep and not wake up but I would tell myself, If I do this and this it will help a little, I would start from the bottom again because of the depression, getting dressed even if I did'nt go any where or putting on my make up made me feel better, just eating if I could do that and each day I would try to do one of these things. Also alot of my Fibro is from childhood trauma I have had to go back and learn about how trauma effected my disease. I had a lot of abuse issues and now I have been in therapy and learning to cope, I took a class on Dialectical behavioral therapy, It help a great deal. I'm now a volenteer at the YWCA family outreach for domestic violence, I still suffer, and I can't do it everyday, but I am doing something fullfilling. I am taking antidepressants,sleep medicine, and pain medicine, I take supplements and try to watch the foods I eat. Yes I get tired of doing it because it is constant care for yourself and sometimes I feel bad for my family because I have to pay alot of attention to myself and how I spend my days. I know now that I'm not alone with this support group and I can here that I'm not alone. So keep on keeping intouch and read other posts they can help. I know this is long I just kida started rambling but I hope it helps. God Bless Lorrie
  8. tlc8858

    tlc8858 New Member

    There are many people who have felt the same as you. Once you find a way to deal with the pain and the depression, things will get better. No, the pain won't go away, but you can learn to function somewhat noramlly. Please do not give up on doctors or counseling. If you are not feeling like you are getting the help you need, keep looking for new doctors. There are plenty of them out there and once you find one that truly wants to help you and listens to you, things will get easier for you
  9. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i have had thoughts that maybe it won't be so bad to move on to heaven....i will not be in pain and i do not have to hear the negative comments from people who i loved or had loved...

    but i do want to see some things in life before i go some year...my son finish college, get married and the be a grandmother...and in the real close future a cure for what i have wrong with me....

    and if i get the cure first that would be faboulous...no pain or just dealing with other problems...

    wow that would be huge!

  10. sandi24

    sandi24 New Member

    Chronic pain is very hard to endure day in day out. We try to carry on as 'normal' and we usually take on far too much. There are days when we are literally overwhelmed and the tears flow and we have a good well deserved cry. I think this is what you are talking about.

    Trust that tomorrow is a new day and your pain will ease.

    I have often told my husband that if I were a dog I would be humanely put down as no one would stand by and see them suffer everyday as we have to.

    There are so many wonderful things to live for. Whenever you feel like this please make sure you talk to someone, your husband, your mother, sister , friend anyone just talk out your fears and accept their love and support. You are an important part of their life and I am sure they will help you any way they can.

    Having a good chat with your doctor is great too they cannot help you unless you tell them your feelings.

    Good luck.

  11. darude

    darude New Member

    You are definately NOT alone. One can't help having those thoughts at times. Hopefully tho they are just that THOUGHTS. Whats the first thing people ask when someone dies usually "Did they suffer? Well we know we suffer in pain everyday and it is a very hard life. But there is always HOPE and tomorrow there might be a cure. What keeps most going here is their families and friends and enjoying when we do have a better day. If you keep one thing Sheila keep hope alive we are all in this together and will keep fighting.
  12. halo52208

    halo52208 New Member

    I look at my fm as a challenge that I need to conquer. I hate every ounce of the stupid crap. You never know when your next flare will be and it still hard to make others understand it. That makes me fight even harder to take control of the pain.

    Something to say every day to help. I have fm, it doesn't have me.

    The best thing you can do is tell your doctor what's on your mind and don't let him walk away until he totally understands what you need to tell him. Because he is the one person that can help you from going over the edge. He may not have a pill or a cure, but he can send you to someone who might.

    Hang in there, we are here if you ever need us. Even if you just need to vent.

    Love, Halo
  13. darude

    darude New Member

    Let us know how you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  14. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Sheila, don't feel like it is too much to share with us, please. I think I know a little how you feel. A few months ago I was crying and got on here and posted on the depression board. I was so upset. My husband had been out of town for several days and I was alone except for my daughter, who i didn't want to see me like that. I had run out of my anti depressant and I guess it caught up with me. I wrote this long story about how I felt but never shared it with a soul. I started to post it on the depression board but thought twice before i did. I was afraid I would get in trouble because it was very depressing.

    I just can't stand to think of others feeling like I did that night. I cried all night for no reason. It was terrible. The way I kept it together was to write. I wrote this long scathing, thing about exactly how I felt. It was harsh and blunt. I wanted to share it so badly that night, but didn't. I did feel better after I wrote it though. My husband came home the next day and got my medicine and I started to feel better.

    Do you take any antidepressants? I know some don't believe in them, but I feel they keep me going. Every time I go off of them this happens. I start crying and getting moody.

    Please let us know how you are. I hope you are doing better now.

    You aren't alone. Pain is terrible and it can get to us. There are better days ahead though. That is what always keeps me going. I know that all days aren't the same.

    Big hugs to you!!!
  15. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I am ok. Had another crying spell last night.Something to do with my brother and sister and the rest of my isanely mixed up family.Last thing I needed.

    The pain was better yesterday but my mood is still down.

    We are waiting on my daughter's test results.We get them Monday.I pray it's not a tumor, if so a benign one.

    I do take meds. for bipolar and depression.I will call my psych. today.SHe has been very concerned about my reheumy. and ortho.treating my pain.My dr. is actually thinking of specializing in treating those with fm.She gets very angry at the way we are treated.

    I got some extra strength tylenol last night out of desperation.I took it last night but was crying so much I ended up taking 3 klonopin to help calm me down.I was able to write down my feelings in my journal.It has been helping me to get out my thoughts.

    I go see ortho. today and my husband is going with me.He is going to find out what we can do about controlling this pain.

    For the first time in 19 yrs. his in on my team.I guess it took more than me just saying I hurt to convince him.Saturday night I woke up cryig in pain,that has happened before but he never woke up til that night.I think he was alarmed to see how I could be half asleep and crying at the same time due to pain.I think now he believes me.

    Last night as I was crying over things that are happeneing with my mother,brother and my sister....it was Carrie that kept me centered.SHe could not survive without me and I love her too much to leave her alone.Like some of you said, it is my children that keep me here.

    When I go to the dr. today I am going to explain how this has dramatically changed my life.I want my life back.I don't want to be drugged and laying on the couch all day.I just need help on those days that the pain is making me crazy.

    We have to deal with pain everyday, I know that.But please give me something that I can take when I am falling apart from the agony.

    Pain can make you think crazy things.Just the other night my thoughts were as crazy as they had been in awhile.Not only was I hurting physically but I was hurting by the fact I will be alone with this.I have begged my husband to try and understand.My 20 yr. old daughter has been where I am now and now is doing great.Those 2 have let me down these last few months.On my 40th birthday they did nothing,even though I was feeling so bad.I am a big birthday party giver.But this seems to always be a repeat of all my birthdays,valentines days,christams,mothers day.

    I am ignored.And being ignored in pain scares me so much.

    But since the talk the other night husband has been trying a bit more.Went to the firestation to see him and he give put his arm around me.That is rare.

    All I ak for is human touch,I don't like to be alone.

    Thank you all for sharing yor personal feelings and encouraging me.I do pray often for healing and hedges of angel to be camped around us all.I pray for you all everytime I pray.

    I guess I beter start my day.

    You all will never know how much it has meant to me to see you all care.I just wish we could live close togther and be there to give out hugs.

  16. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    i AM SO SORRY YOU ARE THIS LOW. It is the darn DD. It gets to be a lot to bear it really does.

    Knoiw what cheered me up yesterday. Those old 90 year old ex dancers even with sticks and wlakers still trying to dance, and amazed and jealous of the ones who could actually dance longer than I could!!! Mixed emotions.

    When I get feeling like this way you are, I find crying itself helps. We deserve a little pity for sure. Then I start and remind myself of the blessings I have. Look at those poor women in other countries, what they are subjected to and in pain too.

    I do think a few days off from our pain would be great.

    I am actually not feeling in so much pain presently but the neck and head thing and the woozy head and the fatigue. It is like you swap opne thing for another. Still it is warmer today, going to be in high 60's in upstate NY.

    Try and look on a brighter side. Best to talk it out.

    Love and Hugz Anne C
  17. pemaw54

    pemaw54 New Member

    For some reason, I can pray for everyone but myself. God is so good to me but I dont feel worthy of his time on me.

    Im sorry to say, I scare my poor husband to death alot by saying it would be better for him if I just go ahead and die. In the night when Im awake and the pain will not let me sleep, I think how easy it would be with all of the pills I have. You all have helped me so many times and you didnt even know it.

    The times I do pray for me, I beg him to let me come home. Im ready now. But my sweetest husband does need me and my 2 sons are both in college and I dont want to mess them up and IM a mamaw now with 2 beautiful grandchildren that I love and they keep me laughing the whole time Im with them.

    Sheila, please dont do anything. I need you here where I have found people just like me and we have to take care of each other and be there for the new ones coming to the board everyday. I love you Sheila. My sister spells hers Shelia She is the only family I have and I have to think of her too and everytime I see your name, I think of her.

    I will continue to pray for you

  18. janieb

    janieb New Member

    I've never wanted to take my own life, but I do sometimes want to just die. However, I have a 17 year old granddaughter that we raised and neither of her parents are very stable or very good parents, so she needs me alot. I often feel bad that I can't do the things with her that she would like to do, for instance, shopping 12 hours at a stretch. She's never really known me to be well, but I am there for her.

    So, to the best of my ability, I support my family by phone and they do call and keep me posted on what's going on in their lives when they're not here. In some strange way, it makes me feel needed.

    Recently, my husband has become aware of how fast I'm going downhill and he's doing what he can. All doctors can tell you is that you have to lower your standards but if mine get much lower, the health department will close us down.

    We'll all make it if we have each other. Like the many others, I'm praying for you.

    God bless.

  19. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    like yours and I did have a plan. I wasn't having good and bad days, only bad and worse. I had been through the mill, tried every therapy I'd been sent to, gotten the beginning of an ulcer (which took six years to totally clear up) and had given up on finding a doctor who would treat my relentless pain.

    I had NO quality of life left. I couldn't leave my house, I couldn't attend any family functions, I couldn't clean my house or cook a meal, my memory was shot and I was having panic attacks several times a day. I was probably depressed as well but I didn't think my idea was due to depression, just a factual thing that I could not any longer stand the pain and lack of a life.

    Out of the blue a new doctor came to the offices where my doctor then was practicing and she was assigned to me. I had NO faith that this new doctor would do anything more than the others or would treat my pain adequately, but I took one last effort. She took one look at me and by the time I left her office I not only had the already diagnosed diagnoses of Fibromyalgia, but she had done a total exam, ordered all the right tests and temporarily prescribed what I needed to feel human again.

    Once the test results came back as usual negative, she sent me to a specialist for a second opinion. He agreed with her and just tweaked her
    prescriptions. Life changed so totally for me that I can't begin to tell you what a turn from hell to not
    heaven, but human I had. It wasn't an over night thing, relief yes, but it took this many more years to get a whole treatment plan that has and is working for me.

    Over the years she moved away and I went to the specialist from then on as my permanent doctor for the FM and other associated problems. My PCP has
    worked with me also and I've added a
    few supplements, exercises that help
    and don't make it worse, I do self hynosis when I need to, I pray, I use heat and cold packs when needed..just
    a series of things I do that works.

    I am not and never probably will be pain free, but I never expected or asked for that. I AM pain free enough to live a life that satifies me however. I can go if I want to, I can cook again, I can clean my house within limits (my husband does the heavy lifting), I can play with and enjoy my pets and most of the time I
    feel I own the FM instead of it ruling my life.

    I have flares like anyone else does, weather can effect the FM and the Arthritis, I think it also effects the Osteoporosis also. Stress can make it (them) flare as can forgetting to pace myself or listen to my body. But I have more good days than bad now and that is everything.
    I haven't had a panic attack, well just one last year and it was short
    lived, and I look and feel so much more like my old self. It took patience and a kind and compassionate
    set of doctors and a lot of self work, but now I can't believe I ever
    even thought I didn't want to be here! That person is gone.

    I would hope that you will tell your doctors what is going on with you, have an evaluation for depression and then ask for the pain relief you are entitled to. If you don't find it where you are going, look for another doctor through referrals or even the phone book under pain specialists or even sports medicine. Call your local
    hospital and see if they know anyone, and your pharmacist. Pharmacists go to school for many years and know what medications work for most people and they know who works with people in pain. Check with others if yours won't help. Mine has been very helpful and keeps me aware of new studies etc also.

    Good luck and DO get the help you need. There is only ONE you and you are special and important. If you don't love you, who will? Be kind to yourself as you would be to a dear friend or mate!
  20. deb06

    deb06 New Member

    I think most of us have felt the same way. The responses to your post were tremendous and there is nothing more I can add to them.

    But, are you on pain medicine? Before being treated properly for my pain- I was losing my mind.

    If not on adequate pain meds, you need to be. A constant dosage could help you tremendously emotionally. Deb

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