"Abandoned" update

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ayhatch, Feb 20, 2007.

  1. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    Well, I was able to speak to the jerk for a few minutes when he called from work to say goodnight to the kids.
    First off, I answer the phone and goes.."Hi, How's it going?" (with an upbeat tone.) What an ASS! Why in the owrld would he think he could talk all cheery and normal to me after having done what he did?!
    So, I told him that I did some investigating today and found out what he has done is highly illegal and that he had to reverse his action. I told him he was backing me into a corner and if he didn't restore my means of access I would have to take some action to restore it myself...which would be legal.
    So he says to me... "I haven't done anything illegal...I think you need to look at yourself and what you've done"
    What I've done!!! (He's refering to my purchasing a new (used and very safe family) car which I had to do because my other car was 13 years old and dying and unsafe for me and the kids and he didn't want to repair it.)
    He also kept saying that I can use my money to pay for groceries, etc. So the measly, temporary state disablity I have coming in now for two months that will make my car payment and give me about $75 leftover will pay for all the gas, groceries, meds, etc. The kids and I need for a month? Right!!!!
    If I had any shred of emotion left for him, it's gone now. He's done it! He didn't want to be the "bad guy" and cut and run. I'm going to do it. BUT, I will only file for legal seperation AND I will still live in this house cause I can't afford to move out, but he'll be forced to disclose all his income, pay the bills,and mediate a budget and schedule time with the kids and counseling, etc.

    Thank you all for sticking by me! It means so much to have your support.
    Much Love....
  2. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Sorry you've had to result to this hun, but it sounds like you've got everything sorted out.
  3. SleepyMama

    SleepyMama New Member

    My kids' Dad and I split for the last time just before Christmas. We've tried over the years to work things out. I really was not feeling so much in love with him, but I committed to repair the relationship and continued to make efforts, while he distanced himself more and more, always citing my disability as his excuse. He's kickin' himself now, because I'm doing much better without him. Turns out, the less I have to deal with him, the more energy I have. Go figure! I'm enjoying more itme with my kids. I'm working at a home business and within' a year I should be making more money than him! He still has no plans for an education or career. He's working grunt jobs for slumlords right now and barely getting by. I had to realize by the end of it that there was just nothing in the relationship for me. I still took the high ground and forced him to leave me, by saying that he had to commit to treating us like a real family (He was treating me like a girfriend as we were never married, taking very little responsibility for us and still after 5 years and two kids living in his own place). He refused and so, it was over. I couldn't be happier! Good luck! I hope things work out so well for you. I've had to be "ready to pack up and go" at a moment's notice before too as he had a tendency to fly off the handle and hit walls...Fortunately it was never me, but you never know when that line will be crossed.

    Big Hugs! My thoughts are with you.
  4. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    buy a new car woithout his knowledge or consent. We've been talking - arguing - about it for a long time. I showed him brochures, stats, pricing, etc. I asked him for advice about where to get the financing. And on and on... every step of the way he makes black and white statements like...we can't afford it. I ask him about fixing my old car and he says NO he doesn't want to. He answered my logistical ?'s about financing and paperwork without a flare in his attitude.
    he knew I was getting the car, he knew I needed it, he just says we can't afford it. Well, the gas mileage is better, the insurance isn't costing anymore, the registration is only another $100 and the payments are being made from my (just started)disability, so his paycheck won't be diminished.
    It was all well planned out and talked about for over a year. This wasn't impulsive!
  5. Kryssie

    Kryssie New Member

    How is it illegal that he took away your credit card? Im not following that or I missed part of something. Maybe I should go back and re-read your original post.
  6. lookingoutthewindow

    lookingoutthewindow New Member

    It makes me feel terrible to read this. It brings back many memories of how awful splitting up is. I miss my ex terribly now after not even seeing him in 2 years. I made mistakes too. I remember when we loved each other and how we got started. Like your situation, he started the ball rolling and took "control". It started the spiral that led to the end, I wish I could have stopped it. All you can do is the BEST you can. I will pray for you.

  7. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    It is my only access to spending. We do not have a joint account - big mistake! The Credit card was used to purchase gas, groceries, meds, etc. without it I have no way of feeding myself,the kids, gasing up the car to get the kids to school, doctor appts, etc...you know, live life!
  8. Shalala

    Shalala New Member

    Sorry to hear you are having problems. This may be just his "manly way" of showing he is the boss? Not a very good way to handle a marriage situation these days. His father was probably the same way?

    If you are only an "authorized" user YES he can remove you without your knowledge or consent.

    If you are a "joint" cardholder he cannot remove you without your consent (in writing).

    Most people do not understand this and argue about it. Just having a card doesn't mean squat. It is how you are listed with the CC Company that matters. That is just how it is (I work for a Credit Card Co.).

    You can call all of the credit card companies and ask them if you are a "joint" cardholder or just "authorized" and they will tell you. This is very important for you to know.

    If he is the primary he holds all the control AND LIABILITY.
  9. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    We are joint holders on the card...
  10. Kryssie

    Kryssie New Member

    I understand.
    Do you think he is trying to *root you out* of the house.. ?
    If I were you, Id call and get a replacement card. Or either order ax checks ;)and write yourself a big fat one to live off of for a while. Ok Im evil but he sounds like he might be playing evil.. fight fire with fire.
    I hope things get better for you!
  11. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member


    I hope you are getting enough rest and are practicing good nutrition.

    Please try not to let all of this wear your body down.

  12. ayhatch

    ayhatch New Member

    I did neglect my heath yesterday and forgot to take my meds and didn't eat well, but I'm trying harder today.
    It'll be hard keeping up a healthy diet, if I can't buy the food I need.(I'm gluten intolerant and need other modifications...you know, we all try to eat heathier w/ ourDD.)
  13. ChristineInPA

    ChristineInPA New Member

    I am trying to understand how someone could act like your husband and look in a mirror, but I just can't.

    It's inhumane. It's worse than people treat a sick pet.

    I would take whatever money you can from whatever accounts you can access and HIDE IT. Keep it with a friend or a family member. It doesn't matter who "earned" the money, as you have children to take care of and they come first.

    If the credit card is in both names, find a bill stub and call customer service for a replacement. Get a cash advance. Just remember that whatever debts are incurred during the marriage are SHARED, just like the assets are. I would suggest you put away several months of expenses, and not in a bank! Close the joint account or get your name off of it after you withdraw the money. Don't worry that the bank will close the account. You can open another one some other time.

    You need to think SURVIVAL. For you and the kids. HE made the decision to drop out of the family, whether or not he's there.

    Keep receipts for every penny you spend. I don't have kids, but I can just imagine the cost of feeding them.

    He'll have to pay support, but you need whatever cash you can get ahold of now.

    Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll move out. I certainly wouldn't want to look at his face right now.

    Best of luck to you in this difficult time.
  14. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Hi Ayhatch,

    Its hard hun,and just evil what he has done to you and the children.

    He's some big guy,pifffffff, any dad that can just walk away from his kids is a @#$~* slimeball!!!!

    Hun if that credit card has a cash advance, if I were you I would haul out some every day,to store away.

    Because he can do the same thing and wipe out the money you need to survive. So beat him to it!!!!

    hugs and wishing you the best!!!
    [This Message was Edited on 02/21/2007]
  15. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    it's all "community property" here, all joint debt, even if you have only lived together and are not 'legallly' married! You are entitled to 1/2 of everything here, if they try to take anything, you can get a judgement for your 1/2.

    Sorry your partner is such an ass. Legal action is all you've got against someone like that. You have to protect yourself. For sure.
  16. ILM

    ILM New Member

    Call the police. Tell them you feel threatened and your dh seems to be mentally unstable. (normal people don't cut off a spouse and refuse to buy groceries, that is insane)
    Tell them you want a restraining order against him.

    Once he is gone you can file for legal aid (in my state you can only file if the dh is gone and you can only file under abuse/drug charges).
    Next apply for emergency state aid and food stamps.
    Here you can get emergency food stamps in 24 hours.

    Good Luck to you.
  17. Kryssie

    Kryssie New Member

    Wow ILM

    Thats a little harsh, dont you think its just a tad overboard? We do not know what the mans intentions are yet. If she causes financial strain for him to dig himself out of trouble what good is that going to do her?
  18. pat460

    pat460 New Member

    Hope things have gotten better for you. Here's my opinion too, for what it's worth... If your husband is really serious and stops buying food, gas, and necessities for you and your children, simply go to your local DHHS to explain the situation and apply for food stamps, medicaid, and everything else for which you qualify. They will take care of you, if he won't, and the beauty of it all is that they will make him pay back the federal govt. for whatever part he was supposed to be paying (in child support) all along. Since you are disabled, alimony is not out of the question either. Maybe it won't come to that and he will come to his senses. Do you think he has been planning the whole thing and the car just gave him the excuse he needed? In your heart only you can answer that.

    Good Luck, pat460

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