?? about me becoming a Grandma :)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by doxygirl, Dec 18, 2005.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    I know a lot of you have read my other post about being a grandma for the first time..............and how the circumstances aren't so great, "Ok" they are pretty bad!

    Those of you who read the post will know that my son wishes this never happened ( the ex girlfriend is pregnant) he is in denial about the entire thing and is wishful thinking that this won't even be his baby..............but from women's intuition I know it is his baby!

    The girl had called me to tell me herself (since my son who I thought was very close to me and tells me everything, did not tell me) anyway I was so shocked and upset for many many reasons,

    because I was so upset I told this girl right after she told me she is pregnant with my Grandson that I could not talk to her, I repeated it to her "I cannot talk to you right now, and I hung up...................

    I really really want to meet with her and talk.......if this IS my Grandson I want to let her know that no matter how my son feels or acts that I want more than anything else to be a part of my grandsons life.......

    I have no way of getting ahold of her, and when I try to bring it up to my son he gets really upset and mad.....he says it makes him in a bad mood, he says he doesn't want to talk about it or deal with anything that has to do with it until he knows for sure!

    I need some opinions as to contacting this girl, should I just support my son and wait, or do what I have to ...to find and call her myself?

    I was in the exact same predicament when I was pregnant with my son, everyone in his family deserted me and disbelieved the fact it was his baby, I was 101% sure it was his since I truly was faithful to him............

    I do not want to miss out on one minute of my Gransons arrival or life, "period"!, and feel like I should do everything I can to find this girl..............

    Then again a part of me doesn't want my son to be mad at me for not waiting to find out first!

    I know he will find out and then he will support me seeing my Grandson....but right now I stand to miss out on his birth and first part of his life if I do nothing????

    Please feel free to give me your opinion!

    Love and hugs
    Doxy
  2. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    Doxy, I would follow your son’s lead. He seems pretty level-headed when he states that he’ll “take care” of the baby if the test results are positive as him being the father.

    I think that if you do contact the mother of the child and begin to become attached prior to knowing results that it could to too heart breaking.

    I’m not sure why the woman called you. It seems odd that she did if she had agreed to do the DNA test. The two of them must have discussed this.

    It would be natural for your son to be in denial right now. If he weren’t, it could be really an emotional mess. I could see a possible father of a baby becoming heart-broken if the tests were negative (even if the father of the baby doesn’t want to be a father … yes, this happens).

    Right now, your son needs you. You know he is yours . . And right now, that’s all you know.

    If that baby is your sons', you will be very much a part of his life as grandma. Don't let that worry you right now.

    Take care and let us know what happens!

    L, Jeannette
  3. jennypee

    jennypee New Member

    I don't think she'll call back, I think you have to find her. Explain to your son your feelings on the subject, assure him that you don't judge his decision to wait and see, but let him know that you want to be there from the very beginning, just in case he's yours.

    I don't see it as choosing between your son and grandson. I see it as accepting your grandson, period. Circumstances be damned, you're going to be Gramma Doxy!

    I had a friend in a situation like this... it was a one night stand with a semi-friend and bam, she's knocked up. Well, she knew it could only be him, but everyone else was wary because they hardly knew her. She actually told the guy's mom too, because he wouldn't and she wanted ASSURANCE THAT HIS FAMILY WOULD LOVE THEIR GRANDCHILD.

    She didn't want a penny from anyone. She had no interest in the guy except that one night, and she knew that it might get scary but that she could support and raise a kid on her own. She just wanted to make sure that when the time came, her baby would have family who cared.

    Find the girl as soon as you can. I'll bet she feels really alone and hurt, and you can make it better. Wouldn't it be worth it to give this girl some obviously needed emotional support even if it turns out not to be your grandson? And the regrets later if you chose not to and it WAS your baby.... that'd kill me.


    Promise to keep us updated--- I want to hear your happy ending.


    p.s. My friend decided to try dating the father of her kid. She really didn't think it would work out, but she figured they'd at least form a solid friendship by the time it was needed for parenting. They dated for three years, finally decided they couldn't live without each other, got married, and popped out two more babies.

    It's going well for them, and they've done a heck of a lot of growing up in the process. I'm sure that a huge part of
    their success was their supportive families. Oh, and of course every single one of the babies were his!

    Good luck Doxy! (and sorry post is so long!)

    --jennypee
  4. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    Since you were at work..they do keep records of phone calls...LOL I guess the phone company knows as well...Maybe if you can get her phone number from the phone records for the month. IF your son doesn't give you her name, possibly if you tell him this is the course you are taking..he will relent and speak up.

    I would encourage him to act like a man about this...and regardless of his relationship with this woman..if it is his child...then he needs to take responsibilty for it.
    As you know...that is a key thing!

    If he insists that he isn't the father, a DNA test should be run after the child is born. My daughter had to do that with my grandson..as HIS father kept denying that it was his...UGH, it was his as she said.

    I wish you luck with all this...having a grandchild is wonderful, but I hope if this one is yours..you can find a way to be part of his life!
  5. rmc20021

    rmc20021 New Member

    my brother was in the exact same predictament and was in total denial his ex girlfriend could be pregnant with his baby...he had even moved on and was about to be married when the baby was born. When this baby was 10 months old, I accidentlly ran into the mother and went to see the baby. One look at him and there was no way I could deny that was my brother's baby.

    My brother was furious when he found out I'd gone to see the baby and called me and chewed me out good. Some how, he did become involved with the baby and when the baby was about 3, my brother gained custody of him. Had I not gone to see that baby and gotten myself involved, my brother never would have known his son and I'd have never known my wonderful nephew. Sometimes you just have to do what you feel is right in your heart...not what someone else wants you to do.

    He may get mad at you at first, but if it's his son, he would probably be glad you did get involved....and if it's not, then there probably wouldn't be anything lost in trying to find out.
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i know it woulld be hard to not get involved with this future baby..but personally i have almos 16 yer old son...i told him when he is under eighteen and he gets a girl pregnant the he will get a paternity test just to make sure....and he will be paying child support...he knows how it feels from not wanting anything to needing a home and food and a good car take him to school....

    anyways i wouldn't get too wrappted up into everything until the paternity test...i was watching maury povich today girls sleeping w/9 different men and still doesn't know how the babbys daddy is...


    i think it just saves a lot of heartache for the people involved....


    well good luck


    jodie
  7. laura81655

    laura81655 New Member

    Doxy, I know it must be killing you to wait for the Paternity tests but I really hope you won't try and talk to this girl until you know more. Your son is an adult now, and you need to trust him with what need's to be done.

    I was 21 and got pregnant with my first son, I was not married to the Father yet. I was really upset with the way my own Mother treated me when she found out. My boyfriend(husband now) at the time was 25 and we had things all worked out, but my Mom pushed me and wanted it "her" way about how to handle everything i.e marriage etc. It just really hurt and I wanted her to "Butt Out".

    I know it will be hard and I hate for you to miss out on the baby's birth, but you also do not want to alienate your son in the process.

    Doxy, I wish you all the best with everything you are going through!!

    Laura
  8. FibroJo

    FibroJo New Member

    I am sorry but I do not agree with alot of the responses. Doxy your son is 24 ...more than just an adult.... Please respect his wishes and wait until the baby is born and there is a DNA test. When the DNA test confirms that your son is a daddy and that you are a grandma THEN you both can love and cherish this beautiful new life. Why put so much stress on yourself and your son until you KNOW FOR SURE. Once you know, you can either lavish this new grandson of yours with love and attention or if he is not your son's child, you can both move on with your life. I know you are excited to be a grandma but just hang in there and pray to God for the patience to sit back and wait. Remember, if you and your son are close you will stay that way by respecting his wish and judgement as an adult.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/20/2005]
  9. FibroJo

    FibroJo New Member

    bumping for others
  10. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    Hi Doxy, you sound like a very good person with a big heart. My advice would be to proceed with caution. The girl might be very sincere or she might be playing games...trying to get to your son through you. You may be identifying with her because you went through such a similar situation. But, be careful...take care of yourself. Don't open your heart too soon. I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but you could be putting yourself in a very stressful situation that could backfire on you in so many way. It will affect your relationship with your son and it will affect your health.

    Good luck,
    Lolalee
  11. adirondackhoney

    adirondackhoney New Member

    you could put article or run ad in local paper saying you need to meet with her,is
    a matter of utmost importance.
    i should know soon if a 5 year old girl is my grand daughter....she's a cutie.
  12. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    in response to the maury povich show...it was or unfathomable to me as to how these young women from teens on up go on there think that this young man is their child's father...then it runs out he wasn't...then they come back on the show again saying i know it is this one know because they look like the potential father...basically the girls or women are having a lot of unprotected ---...

    and then these so called men are called this females dirty names...but hey these so called men enjoyed it at the time...

    and i recall at least one women that that was married and had an affair and brought her husband on to tell him this one particular child may not be his child and she cheated on him...

    i know i have seen more cases than that...then husband brought her back on the show to get the dna testing down to see if they other 3 children were his or not...

    my point it is almost getting to where you should do a dna test ever time a child is born even if ;you are married....

    i may catch a lot of flack on the board here about that but they way human beings are acting today it is getting out of control...i feel for the children

    and anytime atleast in california if you dispute the paternity of a child as being yours the local d.a. office will do a dna testing so that they do not have dad's paying for other father's child support....

    it is so scary to think about these things to me...i have a son who will be 16 in less than 45 minutes actually, and i have told him the do's and don'ts...so i hope he will be smart and not drag down his future and bring a child when he is not self supporting in this world, as of yet...

    but they do make mistakes and trust me i made mine a few times over i'm sure...

    well you just be ready for the grandma alert and your sone will come to you when he is ready...it stinks to be sitting on the back burner so to speak....

    well take care and best of luck

    jodie
  13. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    I suppose a lot of people will think I am heartless, but I am the opposite. This whole chain of letters is the best reason I can think of to NOT HAVE SEX before you are married! ANYONE, ANY AGE, thinking about it should just read the heartbreak it causes...Jana