Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by jmq, Oct 5, 2007.

  1. jmq

    jmq New Member

    OK...this is not very chit chatty but I always turn to you guys when I need support.

    I do not know if you remember earlier posts about being worried about my 12 year old daughter and her depression.

    Well, I think we have finally figured out where all the anger and depression is coming from. She has always been told that she was adopted. I even wrote a book just for her to read since she was little. We always talk easily about it and I always reassured her that when she is 18 and may want to know more about her birthmother, I would help her try to even find her birthmother.

    Today she was home sick and I got in bed and cuddled with her. ( she rarely lets me do that anymore ) She said that she hated all people and wished she could just die. She said it to me with such intense hate and anger in her eyes and voice. After asking her various probing questions she finally mentioned that she constantly thinks about her birthparents. We went into a long crying session as she finally let out her anguish over it. Being a 12 year old in middle school, and having a mom with Fibromyalgia (me) is bad she is feeling all the feelings of rejection and loss that naturally comes with adoption.

    I am sharing this info with all of you in the hopes that maybe there is a person out there that was adopted and felt what my daughter is feeling. I would love some insight and help work out all the feelings she has. She is already in therapy, but I want her to be able get these feelings out with me or her father. Maybe then, the depression and rage will start to lift.

    Thanks for letting me vent. Hope we have some experience in this area on the board.

  2. painterZ

    painterZ New Member

    I really feel for you and your daughter. I just posted a thread on the depression board about my 10 year old daughter. She's having anger problems because of myself and my ex, but as she's gotten older she no longer wants to hear her adoption story. She doesn't even want to celebrate her adoption day. I don't regret being honest with her, but she doesn't know half of what she'll eventually need to know for genetic and health reasons. My baby will never meet her birth parents because both have passed due to AIDS. I really feel that her awareness of her biological siblings and the fact that I couldn't be there for her for so long, and now that my ex has child porn charges must completely confuse her and cause anxiety, anger and sadness. I don't know how to help either of our children. However, I do know that each adopted child responds differently. I have a BIL, ex-BIL, and ex all who were adopted. My ex still struggles, at the age of 40, but the others are secure with their adoption. I really don't know what makes the difference for a child because my ex and ex-bil are so very different in their comfort with it, yet raised in the same house under the same care.

    I'll be interested to see who might be able to shed some light on things for you, and me.

    Warm thoughts.

  3. jmq

    jmq New Member

    the fantasy I always had of having a fun happy family. I was so close to my mom and when God blessed me with this beautiful healthy baby girl...I just wanted to have that same closeness. I am still desperatly holding on to the idea that this will pass with adololecents and she will find herself and be happy.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences with your 10 yr old. I look at it this way....even if they hate us, they want us to take care of them and prove that we will not desert them. to get some sleep. Thanks for letting me talk outload


  4. Callum

    Callum New Member

    And, like you, my parents had always told me. I don't know how they managed it, but it was somehow always part of my awareness. They didn't sit me down at the age of seven and have this big, "There's something we have to tell you" conversation that might have made me feel strange or unwanted by my birth parents. So, I think you did a great thing by your daughter there!

    The truth is, to me, as another adoptee, it sounds like what she's going through is just part of being 12-14. I'm not diminishing what she's going through - it is so isolating when it happens, but it happens to most of us. We feel alone, like we don't fit in, like the universe is transpiring against us - and we search for and then dwell on the things that set us apart as blame for our condition.

    I guess I was lucky that, deep down, I knew my biological family was more screwed up than my adoptive one (and, through the medical records/family history I received four years ago, I was right!), so I settled on other things.

    The size of my nose. The fact I was so much taller than the other kids. My sexuality.

    Every night I prayed to God to change these things that made me "different," and thus made me feel like an outider.

    The seen you described of climbing in next to your daughter and just listened to her, and that she TRUSTED you enough to share, THIS is what really speaks to how good your relationship is! Yes, there was anger in her eyes, and it might have seemed directed at you, but I think it was probably directed at the world.

    I wish you well. It's not an easy age to raise a daughter, especially when you have this DD. It sounds to me that you are doing a great job!

  5. jmq

    jmq New Member


    I can not begin to tell you how much your words comforted me. I was hoping that someone here would know my daughters perspective and help me understand it.

    It sounds like we are on the right track. Its true that this DD makes it even harder because I feel guilty about being a sick Mom too.

    Oh well, God gave us to each other so we will face this life together..and forever.

    Thank you again,
  6. Callum

    Callum New Member

    I'm so glad that I was able to be even a little help. It is such a component of our illnesses; guilt, shame. But remember that EVERY parent is fallible; my mom, although very loving, suffered from untreated depression and personality disorder that impeded her ability to be as present as she wanted. That did not mean that she failed me, because what she WAS capable of, she offered. And I certainly didn't love her any less.

    A very close friend of mine's mother suffered from post-polio syndrome. As babies, she couldn't bathe or hold them as she wanted. When they were growing up, she was often too weak to attend their school functions (there were three boys.) And yes, the boys felt resentful at their most vulnerable. But they were DEVOTED to her, because they knew that, despite her health impediments, she gave her all.

    As you are.

    Keep up the fabulous work!

  7. Honey45

    Honey45 New Member

    We too have an adopted daughter. She is 18 years old. I've gone through everything you've mentioned. Our daughter has always known that she is adopted. We've raised her in a Christian home. She has been a very active member of our church. Fortunately, God has blessed us with such a sweet and wonderful child. I've always felt like a terrible MOM because I haven't been a perfect MOM. I have always worked full time--not because I wanted to work. My condition didn't help. She took care of me while my husband was deployed because I was having a major flare and hospitalized.

    The other day, I asked her if she wanted to find her birth mother? She surprised me, by responding that we are her parents and she had no desire to find her birth mother. She went on to say that she has had a good life growing up and was very happy.

    Don't give up! There is hope... Our daughter is now a freshman in college. She graduated with honors from high school. Now I'm bragging---sorry---better stop! Let me add, we have had our share of arguments and have butted heads numerous times. Now we are battling over her boyfriend, but all in all we've been blessed!


    [This Message was Edited on 10/06/2007]
  8. sfrazier

    sfrazier New Member

    I too was adopted. My mom was given some breif information about my birth parents. I grew up knowing that i was adopted and eventually my mom let me see let me see the information. once i saw that i was very angry with my bith mother and very hurt. it seems i have 4 siblings out there and i was the youngest and i was the one that she gave up. since i had always grown up knowing that i was adopted i felt it very easy to talk to my parents about it and let them know my feelings. they then told me that no matter what my birth mother did they chose me out of all the other babies to love. at 44 i still get angry sometimes that i was the only one that was give up but then i think of all the love and protection my parents gave me and that kinda lets the anger go. I have never wanted to try to find my birth mother because i have a mom and had my dad for 16 years before he died. my birth momther to me is just someome that gave birth to me. my mom and dad are the ones that gave me love and security and the knowledge that no matter what i was love and was chosen. if i ever do decide to look for anyone from my birth mother it would be my siblings and i would never do that till after my mom was dead because i would never hurt her that much. she is my mom and she is the one that was always there for me. remind your daughter that no matter what you choose her and that she is special and loved very much. as time goes by i think she will start to understand better. right now just show her all the love that you can and be patient. as she gets older the anger might still be there but she will understand where that anger comes from. also if you have any information that the adoption agency gave you let her see it. it will be something that she can idetify with. like me i know that i look a lot like my birth mother. maybe that will help her a little bit. hang in there and like i said just keep telling her how much you love her.......SueF
  9. budmickl

    budmickl New Member

    My mom used to babysit in the house instead of working outside the home. That in itself is another million story.

    There was one lady who had a son that my mom watched. Then she had another baby son who died due to SIDS, although now, it would probably be classified as something else since the mother was an alcoholic. Then came son #3.

    When son #1 was 7 and son #3 was 2, the mother got drunk and passed out in her apartment in February. My parents were out of town at the time, visiting me and my kids. So son #1 walked 3 miles to his uncle's house. And it was snowing and cold. Trust me, I'm not making this up.

    State took the boys and my parents went to court to get them as foster parents till mother straightened up. Mother never straightened up. Son #1 was taken back to NC by his father. Son #3 was adopted by my parents.

    Son #3 always knew he was adopted. He knew he had a brother, and he knew his mother. As he got older, he tried to have a relationship with his mom but it didn't happen. But he does have a relationship with his brother.

    My adopted brother has never appeared angry about being adopted. He understands why it happened and seems as well-adjusted as possible, being raised by my parents.

    So I think there are success stories of adopted kids knowing the story of how they came to be raised by their parents, and not the people who gave them life.

  10. Rosiebud

    Rosiebud New Member

    I haven't been adopted and I've never adopted but, from what I can read, you are and always have been, very sensitive to your daughter and she's lucky to have you.

    I think young people always have issues of some kind, I know I did and I think you are handling the situation with love and kindness and a great understanding.

  11. woofmom

    woofmom New Member

    I did a single parent adoption. I started taking care of Bobby when he was 2 months old. The adoption was finalized when he was 3. I have no idea where it came from but he always thought his daddy got killed in the war. I told him from the beginning that I adopted him. He had no problem with that. But, when he was about 6 he found out that his daddy didn't get killed in the war. This really upset him. We were not at war in his early years. I've yet to figure out where the idea came from. He's 23 now and he's just fine. He doesn't care that he's adopted. I'm his Mama!!!!!!
  12. jmq

    jmq New Member

    I can hardly see the keyboard because my tears are falling. All of you that have shared your thoughts and personal stories...I am so touched and grateful.

    SueF, I was wondering how old you were when you were given the details of your adoption?

    When my daughter was 11 she asked to see some more I took out the picture and video I had of her birthmother holding her. The birthmother and I got to meet in person the day my daughter was born. It was very hard but beautiful because she literally put her in my arms. Anyway, I asked if I could have a picture of her holding our baby so my daughter would not only know what she looked like, but would see that she cared for her. I also asked her to write a letter to her...but the birthmother drew the line there. She did not want to do the letter. ( I havent told my daughter that part )

    I guess I am doing all the right things and just have to get through adolecence with her! We girls are so complicated to begin with!

    Thank you all again,