Adult children are not adults yet it is something they

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by rosemarie, Aug 5, 2005.

  1. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    I have struggled with this wedding and feeling pressured because " You and dad paid for { Little sister's wedding she was married at 19 and lived at home and worked for a convenice store @ 5.75 hr}

    This daughter who has always thought that everything in life should be equal for her and her sisters.
    They are not. She has a great job and makes good money. I am proud of her for the work that she does, she works hard but the way she spends her money is different than I would choose to do so.I love her so much and I want her to be happy, she is grown up and does not live at home.


    I want her wedding day to be the happiest day for her and we are helping and doing the things we can for her. I will always help my kids but they need to beable to learn that they are adults and can support them selves without help from mom and dad.

    I love her dearly and know that she has had struggles in her life that have made things harder for her but don't we all? I didn't choose to have chronic pain, fibro and everything else I have. I don't enjoy not being able to walk around the block without extreme pain, I want to be normal not the MOM who is in pain all the time and takes " pain pills "

    I know that when this wedding is over life wil settle down and she will have to work through the issues that she had before this day. She has much to learn, How much did you know about your husband when you got married? I didn't know enough, there are so many things that change when you get married, and it takes work to keep your marriage working, I hope that she will be ready for all the changes that will happen to her.

    I have heard that the first year of marriage is the hardest but is it? I think that it takes more than one year to learn eveything about your husband/wife. if I could tell herone thing it would be this.

    " True Love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion"

    AS for her asking if she could live here at home and rent a space that will never happen if you are adult enough to be maried than you are adult enough to live on your own and support each other in the marriage. So you don't go out and buy a great big dream house, you rent a small 2 bedroom apartment or a small house that won't cost you alot of money.

    I love her and want her life to be happy but it is her choice to get married , and now she is grown up she and her husand will have to learn how to manage money and live on a budget just like i have to do after all the years I have been married

    Someone asked if my husband supports me in having the chronci pain and fibro , well the chronic pain a little bet but the fibro No he can't see that and there are no tests that show up on a X-ray but at least he is trying and is getting better about my doctor apointments. HE has no understanding that people hve different ways of dealing with pain and how to treat it. For me I was in pain for so long that I was put on pain meds as a teenage for female problems And I have been on them off and on over amny years. And now I am seeing a pain doctor who treats my pain with narcotics. And my husband does not like that , I am being told I am addicted when I am dependant. We have our issues on the subject. HE does not understand that I can't take the pain all the time and never have a time where there is no pain. But we will get through it.

    I had a good day today , I got to play with my grandson and hear him laugh for te first time and I loved eveyminute of being with him and his mother and daddy.

    Life does not stay the same, nor is it the way you think it wil be in a year or two. IT chages all the time and you have to change with it and work with it to make you family happy and yourself happy. I am my worst enemy. I am the one who stresses over things I can't change, I am the one who wants my girls to like me all the time and to understand me all the time and accept me as I am now not how i was 5 years ago.

    I thought that having a grandchild would be so fun I could baby sit him and see him when ever I wanted to and do things with him all the time and guess what my daughter has her own plans in how to raise this baby and having her Mom or MIL there all the time taking the baby off to play with is not what she wants, nor is it the way her siters think it should be , that they can come an get the baby and take him for a weekend , it is not going to happen.

    AT least for a year as he is only 4 months old. My daughter is doing a great job as a mother and it is my job to help[ her WHEN she asks for some help. She has another family that thinks that they should be able to spend all the time with the baby too and that is not happening either.
    It is hard when you have to let go of your kids and let them be who they will be. Raise thier family the way they want not how you want, or when they get married they will have to adjust to it too and I will be there to talk with any time but only if she askes me too. IT is hard for me because I want to spend the time with my girls and they don't as much. They have their own lives and have to live them without me teling them how to do it.

    I will always be here for them to talk to and help in
    any way that I can , but i can't live their lives for them . Just as they can't control or tell me how to deal with the pain I have all the time. I Loe them so much and only want good things to happend to them but I am not the one that makes that desision for them. I am just the mom who loves and supports them in the way that I can.

    I know that I have sounded harsh on my daughter who is getting married, it is becasue for so long now she has not lived at home or asked me what she should do with her life. I don't tell her that there is a curfew or she can't drink these are her choices not mine. AS she is an adult. I know that just because your older now does not always mean that your acting like an adult. I don't know when that will happen for her or the others , I hae taught them all the thinngs I know about live adn how I believe iit should be lived , I have taught them right from wrong , fixed their hurts wehen they were small. Now they and they are grownup . It is theire time to be the adults that they have been telling me for years that they are.

    I Hope that thier lives are filled with joy and hapiness and much love. And that they will always know that I love them and will help them when they ask if I can.

    I am thankfull that I was blesed with the 3 most beautiful girls a mother could ask for they are loveing and kind and full of goodness and love.They just have to learn how to learn that life as a adult is different than being a child.

    Sorry for the rambling about this wedding stuff. It will either be the best day for her or it won't, I can't cahnge that . It is all up to her and her attidue for this to be the day of her dreams, I love her and her sweetheart.

    Thanks for putting up with me and the whinning about it and my pain and stress. I have reached the point where i am just hurting too much, I get it that I am not the mother i was 5 years ago but that was then not now. I want them to understand that I have a real illness not something made up and not all people who have fibro feel the same way or deal with the fatique,& pain in the same way. WE are all different and we react differently to it. I just want them to accept me for who I am MOMAll I want is thier uncondtitional love just like I give andhave given them from the day they were born.

    Thanks for putting up with me adn letting me whine and vent. I am sorry for being such a baby about the pain and fatique. Thanks for being here for me and accepting me as a friend.

    Rosemarie
  2. nina2

    nina2 New Member

    I caught your letter as I was browsing and I thougt I'd say hi. I don't know if you are a newbie ,But I welcome you anyway.



    I don't have much to add to your post, other than the fact that it's not always easy with grown children who are breaking away and building their own lives.

    All you can do is offer them whatever help you can and always give them emotional support.

    I have two grandchildren and I don't have them here with me nearly as much as I'd like, as I have to share them with their other granparents and family.

    I do make sure that when I do have them I thoroughly enjoy them. And you will enjoy the time with yours .

    Your girls will learn with lifes lessons as we all have.As time goes on they will find the answers with your support.
    Always be there for them.

    As my daughter gets older ,we seem to get closer. We seem to understand each other much better now that she has travelled the ups and downs life can deal you.

    There are just so many stages to parenting and we are always learning no matter how old we get.

    You can come here and whine all you like. And you are indeed an accepted friend.
    hugs,
    nina


  3. nina2

    nina2 New Member

  4. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    it is the two olderones that I have problems with. The oldest can't seem so understand that when she wsnts or needs somthing she needs to ask the person her self not have me ask them.. She is getting married in afew weeks and as every bride goes though things don't always go as you have planned for them. And instead of asking her youngest sister who has been married a year and became a momther in that year if she could usu her veil when she was sure that she and her fiencae were getting married. { She asked her when her sister was still expecting and nothing was offical yet words were used like when I get married can I use your veil or if I get married nothing was even set up or final yet.}

    So now it was about 7 weeks before the wedding and she is now asking me to ask the youngest sister for the use of the veil and I made the mistake of asking for her and she a said if her isiter had really wanted to use it then why did she not call herself. so the oldest called and the youngest said NO. And instead of having a alternante plan incase this happened she has no veil. And she will not get the sister to change her mind because she got mad because she had said no and the oldest hung up on her.

    IT was then that i told the bride that if she wants things from poeple she needs to ask them and she needs to have another plan if that one does not work for her. INstead of getting angry she needs to think of a different plan to ge a veil and other problems tat happen. I am out of the asking any more. And I am getting tired of her being mad at me for things that did not work out right.

    And I had the middle daughter here for a month before she leaves to go back east. And insteand of doing ask I have asked her to do with is go through her things and get rid of what she will not uses and put what is out of season on a tote so I can have the bed room for a extra room while she is gone . I want it to be neat and tidy not a huge mess with things put in over filled boxes. It is her stuff and I should not have to do any thing with her stuff, since she lives back east 99% of the year she needs to pack up her things and I will store them in thestorage shed but I am not going to be the one who is stuck witha mess to clean. If I clean it she will lose a lot of things and I will tell her this before she is gone .

    But with the part of being a grandma I love it and I like my daughters MIL and I understand why it is hard for this daughter because she now has her MIL and 7 SIL& BIL from 17-2 in age. And it is hard to have a mother in law that you don't agree with on how you sould raise her kids. MIL home schooled all kids and my daughter says NO way as she see's the problems that her in laws have with ther kids . but I love being the grandma and getting anytime to spend with my grandchild I love it so much. I just wish I was closer but then maybe I would not be as colse to this daughter as she will call me every couple of days to tell me what the baby is doing and things that have happened to her. so I let her talk with me when she wants to. I love her and my SIL and I love the baby and i am proud of her in how she is doing as a mother and facing the problems she has in marriage.

    Well better get of the computer as I have things to do.
    Rosemarie