Advice on being a Gramma,,,Please~~~

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by sisland, Nov 14, 2009.

  1. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Well here i am as a new grandparent and already have some questions,,,lololol,,,although this doesn't feel very good to me,,,,,Just want to know if anyone eles has run into this problem,,,,,,

    My sil,s Mom is already running the show and of course i can't compete against her money and don't even want to!,,,,,I'm feeling so uncomfortable around her and she has the kids wrapped around her finger,,,and has given me the idea that i'm not even in the picture,,,,omgosh i would have never guessed that she was this type of person!

    The feeling that whatever i do for the kids is not enough and that she's going to do a one up on me ,,,,,,,I'm not even going there!,,,Her side of the family has all kinds of ideas about raising babies that don't seem right to me!,,,and she's trying to pass it off on my daughter who seems to tell her how her and sil will care for the baby when i'm around (Yea!),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,But,,,my daughter has been short with me about alot of stuff during and after the baby was born,,,,and i'm not sure what is bringing it on!,,,,,,but it hurts because i have done nothing but be supportive and have always done the best i could for the kids regardless of anything eles,,,,,Sorry,,,, had to vent here!,,,This is new territory for me!

    Thanks in advance for any advice ,,,,,sis
    [This Message was Edited on 11/15/2009]
  2. jole

    jole Member

    I have to admit out of my 5 kids, I ran into this with 2. The one I kinda brushed aside, because it was my son's child and I think the baby's mother generally leans more toward their own mom, so I tried to be very understanding of that.

    The last was my daughter. His parents live very close by...and we don't. What really hurts me is that my daughter's oldest child isn't even their granddaughter, but whenever we're together she makes sure my gd is by her constantly. She will buy her something to keep her attention, and like you, I don't believe in that.

    That said, my daughter said that our gd will cry to come see or stay with us. She understands the difference between love and gifts, and misses us because of the "real" love.

    But we are really missing out on the new baby. The in-laws have her so much...see her every weekend plus during the week, and we've only seen her 3 times. It hurts. And when we are there, they make sure they are too....and insist on having their "turn" with the baby. I get upset, but don't say anything to my daughter, for the simple fact that I'd never do anything to cause trouble between her and her hubby, who we really like. It's not his fault that his mom is overbearing, and he can't stop her.

    As far as your daughter's attitude, I can't understand that one. Do they live close to you? I'd probably come right out and ask her if there's a problem between you, and try working it out that way. Yes, it hurts terribly to feel shut out of a baby's life........especially the first grandchild. I'm so sorry! Wish I had more advice for you. Just don't give up. Wishing you the best!.................Jole
  3. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thankyou both for shedding light on this situation for me!,,,,It does make sense that My girl does feel safe in the realm of love that i have for her and that she can say stuff to me that she would never say to her mil,,,,,I come from old fashioned family values,, that there is none of this kind of stuff that goes on!,,,,

    Everyone is peaceful and loving and sharing!,,,,,,Thinking back on a few of the conversations we had over the phone during her pregnancy about when i was comming down and where i was staying etc,,,and then i told her that i would be there when the baby was born and then i would just go with the flow after that ,,,,,,,,,,She said that she understood and that the Mil. had to know all this stuff ,,,,,

    It should have dawned on me then what was going on ,,,,,Even when the kids come up for thier visits with me about 3-4 times a year ,,,,,somehow ,,,mil. has always shown up and been right in the middle of it all,,,,,I thought she was a nice person but it's just a surface thing now,,,,,,Thankyou for helping understand what is happening,,,,,now things make more sense!,,,,I'm not the type of person to make waves and will certianly be the gram with alot less money to give and the gram who will love the Baby unconditionaly as i do my childern,,,I realize that Don and Janell are the Baby's parents and that what they say goes in the raising of thier child!,,,and i respect that!,,,,,,,,,HUgs!,,,sis
  4. sisland

    sisland New Member

    We must have been posting at the same time!,,,and wow do we have similar problems with being a grandparent!,,,,,All i can say is that LOVE rules!,,,,,,,,I'm sorry that you and DH have to put up with this problem from other inlaws!,,,why do they have to act like this?,,,don't they realize that money won't buy them love?,,,,,

    I guess they will realize it in the end when all the money is gone,,,,,and the kids want to come and stay with the grandparents that will actually spend time down on the floor playing and reading to them,,,,,The last day i was there my Daughter did give me a big hug and said that she loved me and i told her that if she ever needs anything to call and she knows that i will always be there for her no matter what!,,,,,

    yes like you i live 600 miles from them and as time goes by i will never say anything to hurt them or interfere in the raising of thier boy!,,,,,,Jole it's so sweet that your grandaughter wants to spend time with you!,,,,that tells me just what kind of a Gramma you are!,,,a Good One!,,,,,,HUgs!,,,sis
  5. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Thanks for your input!,,,,I'm not the fighting or competing type so that won't happen ,,,,I just feel sad that this is even an issue with the other Mom,,,,,Yes your right There are alot of family members in the baby's life and i just want him to know that i will love him just like everyone eles,,,,,His Mom and Dad are the most important people in his life!,,,,,,It's sounds wonderful that you have a loving relationship with your grands!,,,,,,,Hugs!,,,sis
  6. kjade

    kjade New Member

    I'm not a grandma yet (and hope not to be for some time!! LOL - the oldest is only 10).
    But I do know about your situation. I'm sure it's hard to feel like there is competing going on like that.
    And I bet your daughter has a lot going on - the hormonal changes after the baby and the sleepless nights were nearly enough to drive me crazy at times, and I took out my frustration on those who I felt most comfortable with (DH and my mother). So I would not take a lot of things your daughter may say personally right now.

    My mother-in-law passed away when my oldest was 2 months old, and it still makes me terribly sad to this day that none of my children ever got to know her, and that she never got to play with them and spoil them. So since she hasn't been here, I never had to deal with one grandparent trying to "up" the other. My FIL is wonderful to the kids, and so is my mother. We need BOTH of them, and we do rely on both of them a lot. But luckily there is no competition between them. Although I have sensed jealousy from both of them in the past - especially around the holidays. It becomes very stressful for us because we can't please everyone (we also have grandparents in the mix), plus the stress of all of the kids. And all that stress causes arguments among all of us. And then someone always is upset about something. It is at those times I that I do admit I lash out at my mother.

    Anyway, I have heard stories from my friends about one grandma trying to "take over" and the other grandma feels left out and afraid to say anything.....just know that your grandbaby will grow to love and need all of you. And you will always be one of the most important figures in his life. Just enjoy him as much as you can, and spoil him rotten!! (don't tell your daughter I said that! LOL) And try not to let all the other stuff bother you. I'm sorry she is making you feel like you are not in the picture - don't let her do that to you! You are such a lovely lady and that baby is so lucky to have you. :)

  7. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Oh! Thanks for your beautiful post!,,,I know that it all seems amplified just after the Baby is born ,,,,I'm so sorry to hear of your Dh's mother passing away so soon!,,,,,I'm so glad your Mom and DH's Dad get along great!,,,,Your childern are so special and Cute too!,,

    They will grow up fast hon so among all the stress give them lot's of hugs and kisses ,,,,,I just had a really nice phone conversation with my Daughter right before i read this and everything is back to normal! YEA!,,,she was all happy and said the Baby was curled up sleeping on Dad's chest!,,,Thanks alot for your insight!,,and yes i will spoil him rotten,,,lol,,,,I guess i was a safe place for Janell to go to let off steam!,,,,,,she would always say "don't do that or don't do this Mom" and then she would say "Don't get mad",,,and so by the end of the week i said to her "Why are you being so short with me?,,and then she started to cry and then i felt bad,,,,,,omgosh!,,,,,anyway all is back to normal,,,it seems!,,,,,HUgs!,,,sis
  8. kjade

    kjade New Member

    Well, I'm glad all is back to normal for you. Do things seem better with the SIL's mom? Does she have a strong personality? If so, that may have been what made you feel bad, cause you seem too sweet to me to ever say anything. I know that sometimes when I am around people who have stronger personalities (I am rather shy in real life) I tend to get really upset and take things they say or do the wrong way, because I am sensitive.

    Anyway, glad to hear everything is well with your daughter and the baby!! :) And thanks for the nice comments about my family.
  9. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Mil's personality is hard to describe for me!,,,Yes i would put her in the strong personality catagory!,,,,,,She's a very calm and collected person on the surface but underneath it's another story!,,,a very suttle controler,,,,planner,,,,and she's got money to burn ,,,,so the kids get all kinds of gifts from her that i could never afford!,,,plus she takes them on trips a couple times a year,,,anyway i'm not a person to come right out and say anything to her but i'm not going to let her spoil my gramma hood eighter ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so she's someone that i like but that i always keep my guard up around,,,,if that makes sense,,

    iv'e been around people like her before and know what to look out for!,,,,,,on the other hand she's a great mom and loves her childern very much!,,,,,,,,,

    Being disabled stinks!,,,it's such a hard thing to accept,,,but i just tell myself to do the best i can and to not worry about the stuff i can't do,,,as i'm sure we all do or have to do!,,,,,,Thanks for being concerned!,,,,,My youngest daughters name is Kymberlie Jean and i sometimes call her KJ!,,,,,,,,if your wondering why i shorten your user name,,,,,lololol,,,,,,Hugs!,,,sisland
    [This Message was Edited on 11/18/2009]
  10. nah.stacey

    nah.stacey Member

    My very first grandbaby is due ANY minute. OK anytime between this minute and a week from now. But what worries me the most is if I'm toooo sick to make it to the hospital.

    With FM/CFS I was an hour 1/2 late for her shower (thrown by the inlaws, I couldn't do it). The harder I tried to get out the door the sicker I got, I couldn't bare it if that happens when the baby is born.

    Not only is this my first grandchild, but it just might be the first time I've seen a baby born. I had five c-sections and have never been able to witness this beautiful miracle. (cows don't count)

    One other input about in-laws is that I know for a fact my daughter's MIL will insert herself every chance she gets. This is not her first and she has two more in the oven besides, but in some instances I'm grateful she is there since I'm too sick to be there much.

    I do thank you all for your insight too, it was the hormone angle I hadn't thought of.
    Wishing the best to all "grammas" current and future,