advice PLEASE!!!!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by twister425, Oct 13, 2005.

  1. twister425

    twister425 New Member

    I think I'm really losing my daughter:( We are always butting heads. She is 16 and keeping everything bottled up. I divorced her dad in 2002 and she has been mad at me since . We had an argument last night about her doing her chores. after a few mean words back and forth I told her she could go live with her dad. I regretted it immediatly.but the wheels where in motion. today she wont talk to me and has it all worked out with her dad. He says if she is fed up with everything then she can come to his house. He lives in his mom and dads basement by the way. I asked him to please back me up and tell her that she is starting cosmatology through school in Dec. she has a job here, and she should be setting goals for her life . she is a jr. in high school . I think if she cant talk about what is bothering her then she would just be running away. Her dad says so what maybe she needs to get away and he will tell her she can go. I am so upset. I cant get my pain under control this is just killing me.I love her so much and just want her to talk to me!

    Thanks for listening1

    Sherri
  2. justlikemom

    justlikemom New Member

    It's difficult to give advice in situations like this... there are many unanswered questions.

    You're daughter is not talking to you because she is 16! It's completely normal, and a problem many parents face.

    I have little experience to give advice on this (My kid is only 4) but as a high school teacher I can tell you you are not alone in your frustrations.

    I could give you a long list of developmental psycobabble... but basically- she's a teenager, she's dealing with a major change in her life (even if it was a few years ago) and she's trying to figure out her identity at the same time.

    Maybe she needs a little space to work through some of the emotional stuff. How far away is her father? Could she go on an extended visit?

    Time is your best medicine in this situation. That, and a reassurance that you still love her, even when she's very difficult to live with.
  3. MKlady

    MKlady New Member

    ...and I learned a few things along the way. I hope my story helps - you're in a rotten spot. I know, I've been there.

    My son and I fought terribly all the time, and then I fought to the hilt when he wanted to go live with his dad. I didn't think I could bear the pain. But I lost him anyway when he was 14 - he was angry and the courts let him go live with his dad. He has hardly spoken to me since. That was 9 years ago. It broke my heart, but it taught me a few things. I had to change my attitude.

    Since then, I never made living with one parent or the other an issue. I took that weapon out of my daughter's (now 21) hands. She was free to go if she wanted to. And if she'd wanted to go, there wasn't a thing I could have done about it after age 14, when the California courts let the child decide. She stayed with me and we worked through some really hairy stuff, including two rounds of drug treatment. She's straightened out and is now living on her own, and we're good friends. I like to think that giving her the choice also gave her the freedom to make a wise decision. She couldn't live with him to punish me, because I'd made it clear, I didn't care.

    My youngest child (different marriage) is 9. We split custody 50/50 and many times she prefers it at her dad's. She's only 9, so she has to do what we say and the court order says 50/50. But when she's 14, she'll get to decide and I have to be prepared for that. And I'll take that weapon right out of her hands, too. She'll be healthier for it, and so will I.

    Good luck!


    [This Message was Edited on 10/13/2005]
  4. ckk

    ckk New Member

    this is just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt, i have not been there yet, mine is only 13 however this is what i would do, she is 16 take what you said back, to bad. she is not 18. you want her to live with you, you are the mother, she is the child, enough said. she has no say, and as far as i am concerened your x should realize this. i would say, this is ridiculous, take your packed bags, march your butt back to your room and enough said young lady! but that is what i would do. good luck.
    ckk