alcholic parent

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by loops1988, Feb 23, 2006.

  1. loops1988

    loops1988 New Member

    hi there.
    i am 17 years old with 3 brothers and 2 sisters.
    one sister 16 years old lives at home with me and my parents.
    my mum drinks regually in the eveneings and tends to call everyone names and argues with my dad.
    she shouts abuse at my dad like there is no tommorow calling him, his mother and my brothers all sorts.
    Me and my sister get involved and tell her to shut up and my dad ignores her at first but sometimes flips and argues back and gets ready to pack his bags.

    after last night i think one of them will not be home from work today and it will probably be my dad he has had enough of the drunken abuse like me and my sister.

    with having fms, symptoms for IBS and a lump on my breast i can not handle this much more. my dad understands the pain and hut both me and my sister is going through but i think he feels helpless. he doesnt want to leave because of us but he is getting so down with it all.

    i dont know what to do, my mother is in denial and thinks she is entiled to a drink because my dad spends time in the pub (this is to get away from her he is not a heavy drinker)
    im scared that my mum wont seek help because she dosnt think anything is wrong.
    i am sick of living in world war 3 and im scared for my mum and my dad but what can i do?

    please help if you can

  2. Chloe-xx

    Chloe-xx New Member

    Hello Louise,

    I am also 17 and at 15 I left home because my mum was an Alcoholic and my Step-Father and her were very violent and argumentive towards each other. At the time I was trying to do my GCSES and my older sister had just moved out. I tried many things to get my mum to stop drinking. She would hide it in soft drinks and proclaim that she was not drunk although she could not stand up.. She was really abusive towards my step-father and as in your situation the father is absolutley powerless to stop this happening. The only person who can resolve the problem is your mum and in my experience the only way for that to happen is if you become an independent person, allowing your mum to focus on herself. (I understand that may be difficult as of the other siblings) I felt that the best thing that I could do was to become independent and distance myself from my family. In turn my mother began to see things clearer and decided she needed to think of herself and needed to get better and stop drinking. She divorced my step father and I now see her living in her own little place very happy as a recovered alcoholic. In my situation my step-father was the root of the problem (long story) there is always a root cause for someone to begin drinking and im afraid that this needs to be dealt with by your mother. You may feel that giving your mother close support would be better, but in many cases the only way to get someone to recover from alcoholism is to let them see themselves the way that you see them, distance yourself and let her straighten herself out, letting her know obviously that you are there for her. Perhaps your parents may need to split up for a while, or permanently... Its very important that you think of yourself though, as at the end of the day they are big enough and ugly enough to sort things for themselves.
    If you want to talk further please email me, I have plenty of spare time at the moment, sharing problems makes me feel better... I hope it does for u too...
  3. Chloe-xx

    Chloe-xx New Member

    If you want to talk further please email this address or post here.

  4. loops1988

    loops1988 New Member

    thanks for your replys, i have had a word with my parents and they are both returning home from work to talk with no alchol in systems.
    my dad has said if she drinks again it is over for good.
    i think i am going to go out tonight to give them space but i hope when i return home later there not at it again.

    many thanks again.

  5. hopeful4

    hopeful4 New Member

    Dear Louise,
    I'm sorry that you are having so much stress, worry and chaos in your life. You are not alone. I suggest that you contact Alanon or Alateen. These groups understand what you are going through, provide support, and help you to develop skills to cope.

    I hope you will find the help you need, and make your life shine.

    This is from a website.

    What is Alateen?

    Alateen is part of the Al-Anon fellowship and is for Young People who come together to:

    Share experience, strength and hope with each other.

    Discuss their difficulties and problems caused by their parent’s drinking habits.

    Learn effective ways to cope with their problems.

    Confidentially support one another.

    Encourage one another.

    Help each other understand the principles of the Al-Anon program.

    Is someone's drinking getting to you?

    The following twenty questions are to help you decide whether Alateen is for you:

    Do you have a parent, close friend or relative whose drinking upsets you?

    Do you cover up your real feelings by pretending that you don't care?

    Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?

    Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking or what's happening in your home?

    Do you stay out of the house as much as possible because you hate it there?

    Are you afraid to upset someone or fear it will set off a drinking bout?

    Do you feel nobody really loves you or cares what happens to you?

    Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home?

    Do you think the drinker's behaviour is caused by you, other members of your family, friends, or rotten breaks in life?

    Do you make threats such as, "If you don't stop drinking, fighting, I'll run away?"

    Do you make promises about behaviour, such as, "I'll get better school marks, go to church or keep my room clean" in exchange for a promise that the fighting and drinking will stop?

    Do you feel that if your mom or dad loved you, he or she would stop drinking?

    Do you ever threaten or actually hurt yourself to scare your parents into saying "I'm sorry," or "I love you?"

    Do you believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?

    Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

    Are mealtimes frequently delayed because of the drinker?

    Have you considered calling the police because of the drinker's abusive behaviour?

    Have you refused dates out of fear or anxiety?

    Do you think your problems would be solved if the drinking stopped?

    Do you ever treat people (teachers, schoolmates, team-mates, etc.) unjustly because you are angry at someone else for drinking too much?

    If you answer Yes to three or more of these questions then Alateen is for you!


    Alateen Members Learn:

    Compulsive drinking is a disease.

    They can detach themselves emotionally from the drinker's problems while continuing to love the person.

    They are not the cause of anyone else's drinking or behaviour.

    They cannot change or control anyone but themselves.

    They have spiritual and intellectual resources with which to develop their own potentials, no matter what happens at home.

    They can build satisfying and rewarding life experiences for themselves.
    [This Message was Edited on 02/24/2006]
  6. MamaR

    MamaR New Member

    dear, sweet girl....I read your story with sadness.

    It sounds like my childhood in so many ways! I TRULY know the pain that you are having to go thru!!!

    This could have alot to do with this illness.

    I hate to see you have this life....but one your dad understands and loves you!! That was my comfort also!!

    Please do seek help.

    Hopeful4 had such a good post!

    Seek this out!!

    Do keep us informed... and we are here for you REMEMBER that!

  7. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    tears just feel reading your post.I grew up with an alocholic dad and a very detached mother.

    Oh honey.I wish I could take you all from that situation.Alcholism affects everyone in the family.

    What I have learned each person takes on a role.Maybe the clown to bring some happiness in the house,one the fixer the parent that tries to make everyone ok,one the rebelious one that thinks what the heck no one cares...and there are others.

    I took on the role of the caregiver the parent.

    Honey you just be you.You can't fix mom she has to do that herself.

    I am glad dad is there for you.If dad does leave go with him.make sure you all go with him.

    One thing I have learned about acholics is there is a degree of depression there and one of the reasons they drink.But we all have choices to get help.Now I am not trying to make you feel sorry for mom I know you already do.But that sometimes explains the reason for her drinking and that it has NOTHING to do with you,your siblings or your dad.

    See if you can get some support at school from a councelor.I wish I had seeked out help back then.

    My family lived a big lie.Covering up the fact my family was so messed up was a constant job.I hated it.

    Reach out and get help.Find a someone that you can become friends with.maybe an aunt and another adult role model that you look up to.Just tell them that you need a friend right now.I am sure they will step in and help you.Yo are a sweet and caring daughter.You deserve to be treated special especially with all that you have to handle on your own with your body.

    Let me know if you need to talk more.I am gonna pray for you and your family every night.I know the hurt yo are going through.

    Much Love,
    [This Message was Edited on 02/25/2006]