All I Can Do is Sit Here and Cry

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by diggity, Sep 21, 2002.

  1. diggity

    diggity New Member

    I am in a deeper, darker place today than I have ever been before. I hurt; everywhere. My husband is cleaning the house, my kids are doing the laundry, and here I sit, crying and hurting, and knowing that I am completely useless to anyone anymore. I can't be a decent wife, I'm a total failure as a mother, I haven't even made breakfast for my kids today and it's almost dinner time. I can't work and help pay any of the bills that my dear husband is struggling to stay ahead of. What good am I? All I want to do is run away and hide. I can't even seem to find a way to talk to God anymore. How did I get here? Why did I get here? What did I do to cause my life to blow apart like this? Oh God, as much as this hurts physically, emotionally I think I'm at the end.
  2. diggity

    diggity New Member

    I am in a deeper, darker place today than I have ever been before. I hurt; everywhere. My husband is cleaning the house, my kids are doing the laundry, and here I sit, crying and hurting, and knowing that I am completely useless to anyone anymore. I can't be a decent wife, I'm a total failure as a mother, I haven't even made breakfast for my kids today and it's almost dinner time. I can't work and help pay any of the bills that my dear husband is struggling to stay ahead of. What good am I? All I want to do is run away and hide. I can't even seem to find a way to talk to God anymore. How did I get here? Why did I get here? What did I do to cause my life to blow apart like this? Oh God, as much as this hurts physically, emotionally I think I'm at the end.
  3. JaciBart

    JaciBart Member

    Exactly, I feel like I am just a burden to those I love, here's what I did. I opened the bible to Daniel chap 4. I prayed & prayed, I do feel better, I am putting tons of time into researching all my meds, supplements, aspertame, all of that, I am taking all measures that I think might even help a little, I am feeling better. I think for me I need to learn to forgive myself for past sins, I know self forgiveness is the hardest. In the movie safe she looks in the mirror at the end and says "I love you".

    Jaci
  4. mistyb

    mistyb New Member

    When I first had my worst bout with this DD, I felt the same way. I really thought horrible things, such as ending my life because I thought that I would have to live in pain and could not see the end. Have you been able to get medication or have a doctor that knows that you are feeling this way? I know that it is hard, and I know that there are many people on this board that struggle too.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do. Please hang in there. I have difficult days as well.

    Misty
  5. marilew

    marilew New Member

    Your first sentence sums up your feelings totally diggity. First off...are your husband and children complaining? I doubt it. Look to them for support. I too am in a very similar situation as you. I am sinking into a deep dark place too, but I am trying desperately not to fall there.
    Try to focus on what is good in your life, such as your family, and don't give up on God. Today I am recognizing the first anniversary date of my Fathers death, and I am taking advantage of that to speak directly to him and my God to help me.

    We don't do anything to cause our lives to "blow apart", but happen it does. I personally like to think that I am a very strong person, and I am digging way down deep to have that strength find it's way back up to see me through this.

    Secondly, it seems to me that this support group is wonderful, and a great place to come and vent. We all know what you are going through. Also, don't rule out professional help if you really feel that you are at the end of your rope. I hope that by the time you read this that you are feeling a little better, but if not, know that you are not alone, and you are in the prayers of many.

    (((Hugs)))
    Marilew
  6. Hidn

    Hidn New Member

    Diggety,
    My heart goes out to you, I have been where you are. I dont have a husband to clean, so in my case it doesnt get done. Please hold on to the thought, that your family loves you! They are not complaining about doing the laundry, cleaning etc are they? Loving someone doesnt change because you are sick. Hold on to that love to help you through this.
    I wish I could help you, remember you are never alone, no matter how black a space you are in, you are loved.
    Hius to you
    Denise
  7. diggity

    diggity New Member

    You all are so great, *crying harder because you all are so sweet*. I have always been a very strong, independent person who "can handle anything". As a matter of fact, growing up, I was the kid in our family who could handle things the best. Now here I am, I can't even take a daily shower because I can't hold my arms up that long. It's a hard thing to accept that I can't do things for myself anymore. You're right, my family isn't complaining, they are wonderful, it's my own sense of guilt and loss that is taking me down. Even when no one says it I still feel that people think I am "faking it" just to get out of working. NO ONE has ever said that to me, it's just that I was raised not to sit around and let others do it all and now I don't seem to have any other choice. That's hard.

    I know that others here have the same, or worse problems. It's just that sometimes it seems so overwhelming, so unfair. I had just opened my own business about 5 years ago, and was doing great, now I fear that I will have to let it go. We went from doing better financially than we ever had, to juggling money just to stay afloat. Along with the pain that is unmercifully invading my body, it just seems to be more than I can take.

    To the person who said this is the first anniversary of your dads death (sorry I forgot your name), I am so sorry, I do know how badly that feels, my dad died 19 years ago and I still grieve for him. Thank you for taking the time out from your own pain to address mine.
  8. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    You are NOT alone! We all have periods like what you are going through at this time. Let yourself concentrate on the good things in your life. You have been blessed with what sounds like a wonderful family that tries to help you. LET THEM!!!!!! Go draw yourself a hot bath with a couple handfuls of epsom salts and just soak and relax for awhile. It will help to draw the tension out of your muscles. If you think the deluxe treatment will be more benefit, turn out the lights and light a couple candles, scented if possible. Think about strolling through those beautiful hills. I have been there and they really are lovely. Don't worry about dinner. When I am having a bad day we have a "junk-it night". We keep an assortment of meats that can be eaten cold and we serve ourselves sliced meat, cheese, crackers and fruit. No mess, no dishes. Our 11 year old grandson loves it. Just remember that you WILL have good days, it just doesn't seem like it at the moment. You must try not to do too much when the good days do come back, or you will cause another crash. I no longer try to apologise for the state of my house. My friends understand and I just don't care about anyone else. Most importantly, you must learn to not blame yourself for this illness. You did nothing to cause it.
    Kathryn
  9. LuvMeCritters

    LuvMeCritters New Member

    Boy don't we make a mess of ourselves sometimes? I am in the same place as you...my truck is going to be re-po'd, we had to make a mortgage plan to catch up, which is higher than the normal mortgage payment, so I doubt that will happen. I can't go out in the sun to see my critters, because of the meds I'm on. I feel totally useless and feel guilty that I can't help out financially. My poor husband should be having back surgery, but he has to work to try and stay ahead. I cry every day. However, the one bright spot I have is my weekly visit with my counselor. It really does help to have someone to talk to. She makes me see that things will change, as soon as my disability starts, if ever. :) And she says we are doing the best that we can. Which is very true. That's all we can do. The best that we can. Even if it means just sweeping the kitchen floor, or wiping of the counter tops. I was on Paxil 10mg for my anxiety. I am too overwhelmed by what's happening in my life, and it wasn't working, so they switched me to Paxil CR 25mg. I still have crying jags. Especially at my counselor's, but she says that's because it's a safe place to cry. Because I don't want my husband to see me crying. He's stressed enough as it is. We just have to keep hanging on and realize that things could be worse. Just read the newspaper or watch the news, we could be far worse off than many people. I am not a trained counselor, so I can't give you advice, but I can tell you that getting medication and seeing a counselor on a weekly basis, has been very good for me. Your family can support you, but they can't give you the support that a trained counselor can. I wish you happier days in the future, and please try not to feel worthless. Do something nice for yourself, like sit out in the early evening and listen to the birds and look at the flowers, and the beautiful sky. All God's creations, just for us. Take the time to see them. And there's also my favorite relaxation technique...put several candles in your bathroom, run a hot bath with epson salts, put a cool drink on the side of the tub, turn off the lights, lock the door, and just relax and let your mind go blank. It's a wonderful feeling. Good luck to you and God Bless.

    Hugs,
    Regina
  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. Stress is the worst thing for our illnesses and yet we are beset by worries over our health, our families, and our finances. No, it isn't fair. Most of us were like you, high achievers cut down in our prime by pain, fatigue, and the ensuing depression. Hell, who wouldn't be depressed? If you don't suffer from depression before you get this, the illness itself will bring it on.

    It sounds as though you have access to medical care. See a good pain specialist, preferably one who understands and treats our illnesses. You should not have to suffer pain like this. I took Morphine, which is cheap and an old, proven drug to get me through the worst of my pain initially. Then, when I was doing a little better, I took some physical therapy to help me keep my muscles flexible and strong. I can even do the exercises in bed.

    When you get some relief from your pain, things will look a lot better. If you are not getting sleep, that's the next thing you will have to work on. Getting a good night's sleep will help with the pain. Many here have gotten relief from a product called ZMA. It's sold here on this site. Magnesium is essential to healing our muscles. Epsom soaks are one of the cheapest ways to get relief from pain and to make us drowsy. Throw some epsom salts in the tub and soak away.

    If you have insurance and it includes therapy, I highly recommend it. If it is out of reach financially, call the local mental health department and ask about what is available. We do go through a grieving process with what we have lost.

    Sweetie, talk to your family and let them know how hard it is for you to not be able to do the things you used to do. Even small children can understand and even small children can feel valued and useful by pitching in to help a little. This helps them to grow into caring, empathetic adults.

    Your family is going through a really rough time right now. Sit down with your hubby and talk; try to work out a plan of action and some backup plans. You may find that you have more options than you think. We usually do. Good luck to you and I'll keep you in my prayers. Have hope. It's roughest in the beginning. As you learn to manage your symptoms, things will improve dramatically.

    Love, Mikie
  11. crickett

    crickett New Member

    I am in the exact same place and I do understand. I even am having trouble breathing. My husband helps so much, but he still cannot understand the pain. My doctor even told me that I should try and make the best of good days and hang on during the bad. He says unfortunatly there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's not like a curable disease, or a cold that wil go away in 7 days. Boy, that's really encouraging. I'm sorry. Yesterday I had some of the same thoughts. I just couldn't stand it anymore. Then I found out that my husband has to go in for yet another(he's had 7)angiogram. Chronic heart diease and has already has bypass at age 49. I get so stressed out everytime, I don't know if I can handle it anymore, but I have to. The pain is so bad and the thought of having to walk over the hospital etc. scares me. Anyway please know that there are other people that feel the same way and hold on. About the only thing that keeps me going is my 2 beautiful granddaughters. My daughter told the oldest who just turned 4 about her grampa and she said thats's okay, Jesus is right next to him and He will make everything okay. Keep in mind no matter how bad it is that you family DOES need you and LOVES you.
    LOVE
    SUE
  12. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    If y'all go to the top bar on the page and click on "Message Boards" you can click on the Worship Forum. This is a nondenominational site for asking for prayers when we are in need. We have a lot of prayer warriors onboard who pray for all of us. Special needs are given special prayers. Thursday night is "Prayer Night" when we all pray in our homes to storm Heaven with our prayers.

    It is at 11:00 p.m. Eastern, 10:00 Central, 9:00 Mountain, and 8:00 Pacific time. If you cannot pray at that time, pray when you can. You will feel better just knowing that something this simple which costs nothing can be done to help ourselves and our sisters and brothers who suffer. We are all in this together and are in many ways a family. We are the only ones who truly know how each other feels.

    Love, Mikie
  13. selma

    selma New Member

    can do is to be present,whether laying down or sitting up.
    You matter. Your value is not lost. Just by posting you have given someone understanding that they aren't the only ones. Gosh read part of your bio. You've done sooo much already and I KNOW that you will do more. We have to adjust and see the light in us.

    Peace love and joy, keep us posted.

    Selma
  14. PMangels

    PMangels New Member

    I am so sorry you are having a bad day and so much pain. When we are in pain even small things seem to be worse for us to cope with and having been there I know how over whelming it can be when we can no longer do the things we use to. I was a person who liked to be on top of things too, but since FM (and other physical problems), I had to realize that my body will only let me do so much. I also felt guilty but I had to learn to let go and not think that everything had to be done. Mothers are are not super human beings. And being a mother myself I know the demands of keeping a family going. You said your hubby is cleaning the house and the children are doing the laundry so I assume they are old enough to help. It sounds to me like you have a very special family. You are not a failure. I'm sure all of us as parents at one time or another felt like we were failures but we do the best we can. We just keep on keeping on. It's not how many times you fall that counts, it's how many times we get up. And I know it is hard when we are in pain to rationalize sometimes. I promise you will be okay. Tomorrow will be brighter day. You seem to have a supportive family and I'm sure they will help you through this. And you also have the people here who are willing to listen to you and give you the best advice they can. I will say a little prayer for you that God will wrap his tender arms of love around you and give you strength to go on. Just know that the people here care about you very much.

    Gentle (((Hugs)))
    Arlene
  15. PaulMark

    PaulMark New Member

    diggity: I surely empathize and relate i'm there most every day, i live alone and don't hvae the burden of wife and kids although my lovely l6 yr. old daug. never comes anymore and lives close with her mom, i relate to chronic ill pain and my dilemans of trying one therapy after another only to not be able to decide if the benefits outweight he side effects and risk i'm pretty non functional wtih severe case of cfids of 5 yrs. cheney hasn't been able to help me much and i have the depression

    many things cause dep. however, the pain, longwindness of our DD , frustration, non functionability and not knowing what to do, my sibling and parents mostly see deprssion and i say wellyo would be depressed also

    so i will pray as i do many times a day not just for me but for many i know with cfids and fms andother dis. some nites all i can utter is help me GOd and then i like you struggle with my faith, it is natural JOB and david did in the bible

    many many days infact most of mine i feelat the end and long for that day when we can go to a place of peace and no pain, i feel deeply for you and many of us do here

    in him paul mark in ky you are welcome to vent anytime, paulstory@iolky.com
  16. LynneH

    LynneH New Member

    Please try to get a handle on your pain. Whether it's through supplements, such as magnesium/malic acid...which people have had great results with or pain medication or
    visualization or whatever...you need to at least take that edge off. I know what it is like to be in great pain and I know I can't stay there for too long without doing something. I don't take pain pills, but I do lot's of self talking, visualization, self massage (which is tricky at times lol), meditation, etc.
    Try to count your blessings. My husband, the love of my life, walked out a year ago. I HAVE to work...I could not live on what my disability would be. I have to keep a positive attitude...it's not always easy, but I try my best.
    Be happy you have a husband who is willing to help and children who are also lending a hand. Stop with the guilt...it really is useless.
    Good luck.
    LynneH
  17. seaview

    seaview New Member

    Please know that you are so important to each of your children and your husband.Your inability to "DO" all the things you are use to doing has not changed who you are. How do I know this?Well, I am a mom to 5 children ages 3 to 16 who (the older 3) have to do most all the daily chores because I simply cant.I believe in the long run they are actually the winners as they are learning such important life skills such as laundry,vacumning,bathroom duty,dish duty,mopping and so on along with the benefit of knowing that a family all chips in to keep a house running. Some day I know their brides will thank me and that brings me great joy! I was the "I can/will do it mom for so many years. I have the keychains,thank you letters,and so on to prove it. I was the taxi service,team mom for every team, and the No Problem I will take care of it friend. Well, after 10 years of pain and now being in a place of extreme pain and fatigue I have discovered that the world did not end and my children still love me and I have survived. I will pray for you as you allow yourself the grieving process and allow others to do for you. Trust me, you find out who truly cares about you. Do let your Dr. know how bad you are and try to get some immediate relief and then educate yourself and find what works for you. Do allow us here to help you along this road less traveled as I often refer to it. It can be a lonely one but we are never alone for many have gone before us and we have a Creator who is always ready to carry us when needed. I send my prayers heavenward for you and send gentle hugs across the miles to you. May you find comfort in knowing that there are many here who care and will walk alongside you. Blessings,Kathleen
  18. fibrokimm

    fibrokimm New Member

    Diggity, I can't say a whole lot more than all the wonderful, healing and therapeutic remarks that have been made as an offer of encouragement and support to you.

    I will say that you are not alone and I'm usually either going through the fm storm, coming out or caught up in. And we can endure if we keep God in the picture.

    There are blessings even in the storm. Identify them and hang on to them with dear life. You are blessed to have a family that truly does care and love you. Remember to occassionally check you own personal expectation list, sometimes we burden ourselves with what we think we must do when it really isn't all that important. One thing about this illness, it has made me realize what is truly important and that i no longer have any place in my life for empty calorie anything.

    I pray that you seek out a therapist and maybe another pain management specialist. I don't know what I would have done had I not had my therapist to meet and talk with.

    At the end of the day, God is still there.

    In my thoughts and prayers,
    God Bless,
    fibrokimm
  19. crickett

    crickett New Member

    I already posted earlier, but it occured to me later why so many of us were at the same place on the same day. I have never felt as bad as I did yesterday. So desperate and yes thought of ending it. So why?? Do we all live in the same general area affected by the weather?? The full moon?? I've been bad during a full moon, but never this bad!. We all semm to have additional stress on top of everything we have to worry about. Any thoughts on this. I have had friends that have had flares at the time as me? But they try and blame it on something else like diet or supplements.
    Love and Hope to All
    SUE from Illinois
  20. seaview

    seaview New Member

    WE have been in a fog blanket for over 2 weeks now and I have been struggling miserably both physically and mentally.I am sure you have seen my posts.I know how hard the cold,damp weather is on many of us. My husband works about a 45 minute drive away and it is in the 90's every day.He doesn't understand how I am feeling here.Of course, I would be miserable in the 90 degree weather too:) Never happy! LOL.....so maybe you hit the nail.....Kathleen