hello people. i dont have anyone to say this stuff to because i dont want them to freak out. All my life, I've felt numb. I'm filled with hatred, remorse, impatience, sadness, regret, loathing, depression and a general bad mood. I dont know why i'm this way. I want to be happy. I have not been joyfull since i was a little boy. i just want to be happy and satisfied. i contemplate suicide often. i just dont want to be here, i have few friends. i really have nothing i'm living for. am i genetically programmed to be this way? my mother commited suicide when i was 6. Is what was in her in me? I feel so numb. I want to snap out of it. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I have nothing. i have no one. I'm too smart to turn to drugs. I'm too stupid to snap out of this. If i was gone, would anyone care? Would i be remembered as a good person? Am i capable of heathy relationships? Can i be in love? I dont care for myself, how can i care for anyone else? each day is a struggle. I dont want to be here.