Am I nuts?? (Advice needed from other Mums.)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lease79, Feb 4, 2006.

  1. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Although my health is so poor right now, part of me still yearns for another child. Crazy I know, as I already have 4 of the little darlings :p I don't want to be attacked for this, but I really need some non-bias input & maybe even a little support as to how I am feeling :(
    Family would pitch a fit if they knew I was even thinking about it *sigh*.
    Some days I feel totally done, & like I deffinately DO NOT want anymore, but others... I just feel like we were meant to have 5.
    After I had Ethan (no.4) & things were really bad, hubby said 'No more', & was wanting to get a vasectomy. Now though he's changed his mind & would really like another child. I feel that he has a right to have a say (though ultimately what's going on with my body is the deciding factor,) because he does so much with the children.
    That said I feel that there are a few things that are majorly holding me back -

    1. I get very sick with morning sickness & I am worried that I will end up bed bound for alot of the pregnancy, (not great with 4 children & no help from family.)

    2. Hubby works two jobs, & although they are very understanding he would still have to work & if I am sick for a while it would be a major inconvenience to him & work.

    3. My recent symptoms really scare me. I have been reassured over & over again that my heart is strong & fine, but I still can't help but think that something is wrong :( I've had more ECG's that I can remember, had the 24 holter test (the one that you have to manually activate during an episode, but had no episodes whilst it was on,) & have had blood work done immediately after an 'episode', but they refuse to do any testing apart from that. I have no heart murmurs & my bp & pulse are always fine. But still I have these freaking scary attacks & chest pain. The thought of having one whilst pregnant is what ultimately stops me from getting pregnant right now.

    4. I am worried about being sick & that taking time away from the children I already have.

    5. 3 out of 4 of my children have kidney reflux & have yearly testing. I am worried of course that I'll have another child with it & that this time it will be more severe. I also have 2 out of 4 children have had childhood asthma. The youngest we almost lost to it, so the thought of another asthmatic is also scary :(

    So there's the negatives.... Suppose I'd be mad to have another one really :*( But still doesn't stop me wanting one on the good days...

    Lisa
  2. Hope4Sofia

    Hope4Sofia New Member

    I have felt exactly the same thing and had a very similar preg experience only my hubby did have the vas.. We have 3 (including twins). In my heart I know I can't have one more NOW but I'm waiting to see how treatments go. (I've only recently been diagnosed so haven't really attempted to manage the FMS - just survived). If I feel capable we will consider the adoption angle - another preg would do me in I'm afraid.

    The kids you have are the most important thing right now. If you're like me you already feel like you can't give them what you want because of your own battle.

    My heart goes out to you. I think this requires honest self-reflection. So much of managing this illness seems to be in simplifying life and making things "softer" - kids don't do that.

    If we ever do go down that road I won't do it without hiring a nanny or assistant to help me. Had I known what I was fighting when my babies were born I wouldn't have been so afraid to ask for help.

    Hope some of this helps. I'd like to know what you conclude as this is a struggle I share.

    Sofia
  3. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    Dearest Lisa. it's always helpful to get it out there and put it down on paper (or computer screen).

    Whenever I have a decision to make that will affect the rest of my life, I make a pro list and a con list. Take several days and add to them as you ponder. Ask your husband to do his own list too. After awhile it will be evident what the answer is for you and what is right for your family and your relationship with your husband.

    Children are a blessing from God, I have three grown ones and they are still the joy of my life.

    Now I have 2 grandbabies and with them I get all of the blessing and hardly any of the work!!! This is even better, since I am much more tired and old now.

    LOL, Nanna



  4. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Nanna, you know what?? I've already done those lists & I think you already know which one outweight the other :(
    One list was about 3 times the size :(
    Depsite that I believe that I am a Mother meant to have a large family (I know I already do!) And most days I almost feel happy being 'done', but others... There is still that yearning for another little bundle.
  5. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I only have one child, who's now almost 17! 90% of the time, I'm very glad that we made the definite decision to have only one (and it was a decision we made, not that we were physically unable to have more). But there's always that 10% that is wishing we'd had another (too late now) if only so the daughter we have would have a sibling---important in childhood to have a close "buddy", but also in adulthood.

    Yet I clearly remember why we made this decision...my hubby traveled internationally a lot when she was young, I had no friends with children at that time (tho some friends have had kids since) and no family anywhere nearby to help with childrearing, be a support system, etc. The older she got, the easier it became for me, as a "part-time single mom". When she got old enough, we were able to travel some with my husband on business trips, so we both got to see a little of the world (including a memorable trip to your beautiful country when she was 8)---I remember thinking, how in the world would we do this if we had a couple more little ones in diapers?

    And overall, I have a beautiful teenager who's been a delight to raise (so far---knock on wood!), and I wouldn't change anything. But there's always times when I yearn to have a younger one again...

    I do think you are wise to carefully consider health issues, your own and the genetic ones you brought up before seriously considering another child. Me, I'm too old now to do it again anyway, but here in the US, all I have to do is multiply college expenses times more kids, and it's enough to make me realize, one is enough, LOL! A sad commentary on the ridiculous cost of higher education in the US....

    But that's being practical....and hardly ANY babies would ever be born if we were always being practical about everything! Sometimes you just have to follow your heart....

    Just some thoughts...you & hubby will make the right decision.

    (((Hugs)))
    Pam
  6. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    I hope you didn't think I thought you were nuts! I know how wonderful it is to have a new little bundle and I also know how strong the need is to have babies.
    I sincerely was trying to help by offering some techniques that have worked for me in the past, of which you have already tried.
    Sincerely, Nanna
  7. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I know where you are coming from.I can't have any more children due to hystorectomy. But when I made the decision to have the hysotertomy to get rid of endometriosis I knew then that having another child would be way too much for our family.
    My youngest daughter has had many health problems,11 brain surgeries,mentally handiscapped slightly,seizure disorder and my oldest has FM/CFS too.
    I know now that if I had another child I would not have been able to take care of my youngest especially and not to mention I have severe depression.
    I long for the the touch and smell of a baby but I know that it is not right for our family and would put us all in such a bind.babies...children are the most precious gift in this world.The thought of having a baby should be taken very seriously and all things should be considered.
    All I ask is to think of your other children that need medical help and the fact you are having health problems yourself.Your concerns for your heart aren't just gonna go away when you have another baby.
    I don't mean to sound so oppose to you having a baby.That si totally up to you and your husband.Just be sure and look at the possibilities of things that may go wrong with your body and the other children that already require medical attention.But I do know that women have been able to handle large families and have health problems with many of the children.The talk show host Delihla has adopted many children and most have disabilities,But she has alot of help.
    Just pray good and hard about this.
    SHeila
  8. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Thankyou all for your input, it is something that I am continuing to think long & hard about ;)
    Oh & Nanna, I didn't think that you thought I was nuts LOL!
  9. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    much of what i was going to say has already been said. :)

    what about waiting until your current kids are a bit older and your own health is at a better balance and consider adoption?
    there are hundreds of kids out there who need a loving home and someone to hug them plus somebody else already suffered the pregnancy for you!!

    if i didnt work so hard with the dogs then i would have fostered by now.my mum fosters older kids and teens.
  10. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    Adoption is a really difficult process in Australia, & there are honestly very little adoptions happening here (in Australia itself.) We couldn't afford to do an overseas adoption as the rules are so strict with Australia & it would cost an absolute fortune.
    Am thinking about fostering though. Looked into in depth & was going to start proceedures & then my sister moved in with her daughter & was going through some really rough stuff. So it wasn't a good time.
    Maybe I should look into it again ;)

    Lisa
  11. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    what ever you decide we all wish you the very best of luck.

    love and hugs, smiffy xxx