am i overreacting?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ilovepink4, Mar 5, 2006.

  1. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I spent most of today recovering from my dh's 2 1/2 day trip out of town. We have 2 older daughters (18 and 16-the oldest has severe cerebral palsy and needs total assistance for eating, dressing, toiletries, entertainment)and 2 sons ages6 and 8.

    On Saturday I agreed to let my youngest son have a friend over for a couple hours to play. I usually don't do this when dh is out of town. I don't like to have to lay down when I am in charge of someone elses child. I really was playing with fire since i had to take both sons to hockey practice and a pizza party after. (hockey practice =cold air, cement floors, bleachers, get my drift...ouwwwee) I was trying to pace myself by laying low during the afternoon so i could survive the evenings plans.

    Play date arrives while i was resting...my daughter took care of greeting the mother and assuring her that she would look after the kids while i was resting. No pick up time was discussed. I get up, a couple hours turns into 6 hours and this mom finished her morning work that she had mentioned , went out to lunch with her husband, returned to her work at the church ( was a volunteer thing with no set hours) to see what else she could take care of....Meanwhile i am in charge of her child in addition to my 4, fed them lunch, organized a huge cleanup of the millions of toys they had taken out, and sat down to wait for her return. The boys then went outside and got out all the outside toys , and would get wet from the snow, come inside to warm up, get water all over the floors, change into dry clothes, go back out, come in, go out, comein,..

    by this time my afternoon rest time was passed and i no longer had any aides for my daughter for the rest of the day....the mom calls afterfive hours and tells me that she had a real nice lunch with her dh and that she is back at her office looking for stuff to do while she was child free..by the way, she has only one child! i let her know that we were kind of expecting her since we had picked the toys hours earlier when she was supposed to have been finished with her volunteer task...and that the boys had moved on to playing in the snow....she says she will be at my house within the hour....by this time i was in a bad way and had to take my boys out for a few hours that evening....and evening was just about here!!!

    when she arrived she sat down to visit for a while as she was in no hurry....she finally left and i ran for my bed to rest for 1 hour before i had to leave...i was exhausted from turning my daughter in the night, getting up to go to the bathroom, and dealing with the 2 little boys that like to sleep in mom's room when dad is out of town...and the worlds longest playdate on record!!!

    Needless to say i slept most of today (dh is home) and began to realize the something was starting to stink....i thought that this woman understood what i was dealing with, she asks lots of questions, seems to care how i am doing, but will takr advantage of me when i take her son for a playdate...it was clear that i was tired and hurting when she dropped her son off because i was in BED!! plus with my hubby being away.....

    This is more evidence that we are isolated , misunderstood, people act like they care or "get it" but they truly don't!!!

    Don't worry about me...this will not be a repeat performance both the part about being used and the part about making this such a huge story...LOL! My point is that i am shocked and disappointed that once again i think a friend understands but she really doesn't care. This is the second time a new friend has totally surprised me by dumping her kid/s on me when i feel like crap! The first one kept asking me to watch her three kids for various reasons....people don't believe that we are truly ill....my old friends have disappeared and the new ones just want a babysitter!!!

    okay soap opera over....thanks for listening!

    oh, one more thing,sorry...i had mentioned this playdate earlier in the week in a brqainfog forgetting dh would be gone...then i forget about the whole thing and she calls to remind me that i had mentioned something about having her son come over....kind of pushy...if there is a next time, i will have a contract ready stating the expected end of the playdate ....

    it is so hard to balance the guilt and pushing to do the normal parenting things...things i did with the girls before i got sick....ok The End
  2. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    I am sorry to hear all you went through. It is not fair for people to put that kind of responsibilty on you. It's like well you are home all day why can't you do (insert job here).
    They don't understand that most of us are home all day because we are SICK!

    definitly make sure this woman doesn't do this to you again. You tell she has to be back by a certain time or there is no way she can leave her child there!

    You ARE NOT overreacting!!

    Dragon
  3. Crispangel66

    Crispangel66 New Member

    I do not have the amount of problems you have like a child with cp, do have a son with epilepsy.

    But I have had people who know my situation do the same thing to me.

    What is bad is back almost one month ago my son had to have an E.E.G that he had to wear home and sleep in it overnight, so he was cranky (understandibly) plus he had been vomitting from the head and ear pain that this E.E.G. had caused.

    On the way home from that hospital a "friend" called me and asked if we could pick her children up from school (they were kicked off the school bus) because she wasn't going to be home she was going to be stuck in a town almost an hour away from where her son's go to school.

    When I explained the situation again letting her know my son had been vomitting and cranky she said so I guess you watching the kids would be out of the question!

    Of course me being a doormat I said I could watch them but I let her know my son wouldn't be much fun b/c he had been sleeping alot and would more than likely continue sleeping b/c his dr had called in a script for the pain so he could relax.

    Then the #%$^%$ just happened to forget to call me and let me know that her mother had decided to pick them up and take care of them, which was a relief but after the trouble I went through to pick them up and they were already gone!

    That is the last time I do that!

    So I can really sympathize with you.

    I hope you can stay strong and just say no and I will too.

    I would do like one of the others suggested to you about having her babysit for you well for me there is no way in
    _ _ _ _ I would let this woman watch my child, she has almost had her children took away by CPS before.

    Sorry about this being so long I guess I needed to vent about that, people who don't understand what we go through everyday.

    Take care and Gentle Hugs Pamela
  4. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i was in your shoes...but ot with three extra children and one of being disabled...i have only one child...and i was going through a divorce and my body was falling apart not to mention my mind.....

    now that my son is in the the tenth grade i had came to realize i was being used for a free baby sitter m-f after school until 6:30 to 7...and overnights on weekends for this single father...whose ex was and is a drug abuser...but he would want a night out and called me three times in a year to tell me he had a friend that was having a 40th b-day party for him in the same year....

    well anyways i am so glad that my son is not involved as friends with this kid anymore...this kid is doing/selling pot according to my son...and my son is on honor roll and playing sports aftet school...i have no help here in this state of california...all the relatives are in michigan...and father is 75 miles away....

    so i totally get you day...i even had this father call at me and cursed me out for me saying his kid can not spend the night...i said for the day only...that was the last straw...he made plans to go to tahoe and see a lady friend ..he had no intentions of letting me know..no emergency numbers...tried the guilt trip on me what is he supposed to do...well i took the kid overnight but that was the last time...

    my advice is to do what you can do.....and if it comes down to the minute they drop off a child and you just can not do it for any reason...don't feel guilty..say hey you have strep throat and it is contagious...you get my drift...

    take care of you because they don't think about you...

    jodie
  5. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    People like this woman are users and it doesn't matter to them whether you are sick or not. They care only for their own selfish needs. Believe me; I was a Scout leader for years and this was an all too common event. With one Mom, I had to finally tell her her children were no longer welcome in the troop.

    If it were me and she asked about another playdate at your house, I would say I was sorry but that I am sick and she obviously doesn't understand that by not picking her son up when she was supposed to that it made your illness worse. Tell her it's nothing personal but that you have to put your own needs first.

    My guess is that if you give her another opportunity, she'll do it again.

    Love, Mikie
  6. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Very clear limits. Drop off this time pick up this time. Or we may take the child back.

    If there is a sleep over with Danny's autistic friend coming here(my kid I never let have play dates except one house and never sleep overs due to his autism)then I make it clear there is a 9.00am pick up.

    This works well.
    As I am ill right now with comorbid condition, no other kids are here then, it is just too much, and I think you took on far too much, though sometimes having a friend here can actually give me some relief.

    I think that woman took complete advantage and guess what, she knows it.

    Love Anne C
  7. Meghanne

    Meghanne New Member

    ...I don't think you're overreacting at all, and I think you're idea of 'contract' is perfectly good. You have to set some boundaries, even if you were healthy that was taking advantage of you! And with you having a child with CP on top of that. No way she should have pulled that.

    Sending warm hugs. I hope you're not feeling too bad physically after all this.

    Trish
  8. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    was always used by her kids, NOT my husband and me, as a dump off for all their kids and there are many. I guess this one time she decided she wasn't going to do it, but instead of
    thinking about how hard it was for HER she went in with them on making ME the mark.

    I answer my door and here is my sister in law with 2 year old in tow, playpen/bed thingy, bottles (yep), diapers, toys, clothes and you name it. She walked in and told me she'd be back the next DAY "sometime" in the afternoon. I told her I didn't know what was going on..so she said my mother in law told her to leave the child with me.

    This was a child who was still connected to the mother, I don't think the cord was cut until she was
    at least 4. She was never around me and didn't more than sort of know me.

    This child cried constantly for her mother from the time her mother left until she returned. I tried EVERYthing to comfort her, but she didn't want me to TOUCH her and she even continued to cry and gasp in her
    sleep when she'd passed out from exhaustion. I've never seen anything like it, but my stress and increased
    pain left ME in tears by the time her mother returned.

    I told my sister in law NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ask me to do it, or NOT ask me
    as was done...again! I told her until she got her child used to a sitter and used to being unglued from her leg it was CRUEL to the child and the
    sitter to leave her, ESPECIALLY overnight.

    I guess they all got a good laugh about it, but I had four days of flare from it. But they NEVER pulled that or anything else on me and I made it clear that I am NOT a baby sitter and if I wanted to be I'd charge. People have NO clue what it takes for us to take on THEIR job of their children but I told them that because THEY chose to have a child THEY can raise them. Mean? Maybe, but I really don't care. My health comes
    first now.
  9. crdmkr2004

    crdmkr2004 New Member

    It was totally inconsiderate and abusive of that woman to take advantage of you. I have been there too.

    I am currently in a Depression Group and one thing I have learned is to Set Boundaries and to Never Commit to Anything especially with our illness or when in a flair.

    My answer now to people that call or ask me to do something for them is "Today is not a good day, can I give you a call when I am feeling better" or Due to my illness I am unable to commit right now because I can't predict how I am going to feel, I have to take things day by day" If they are a good friend they will understand and wait for you to contact them- giving you control, and if they are a user, you have protected yourself by not making a commitment.

    There is also a great book out by Dr. David Burns "Feeling Good, The New Mood Therapy", it helps with depression, setting boundaries, assertiveness. It is a real eye opener as to how our behaviour affects our mood and even our illness. It is also amazing how many people with this disease are, have been and are considered "caretakers" throughout their lives. I think we have just worn ourselves out and broke down our immune systems so that we may be more suseptible to this disease. ANyways, sorry if I went off topic but I hope this helps.
    Take care of "You".
    Hugs
    Sandy
  10. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    all of your responses!! you are all so helpful and nice! I am so glad i found this message board and all these great people who truly understand my situation because you are living it yourselves......i enjoyed all your stories of having similar situations....many much worse than what happened to me..wow, that business of dropping a young child off overnight was abuse for that poor baby...and the man with the multiple parties...and the poor boy with the sick tummy and mama having to chase down someone elses kids!!! crazy! it is just crzy what some people do to us...

    you are right that we need to set limits and be asertive...it is so hard to do but necessary..i agree that lots of us have that caregiver personality....i wonder if that is how we got sick...too much worrying about other people and feeling guilty if we don't take care of everyone and everything....

    again, thank you for all your responses! i was surprised atthenumber...i am feeling pretty creepy and achy today so it really cheered me up to see so many caring people....

    i have been feeling very isolated and wishing i could hook up with others like me...i just got a laptop computer so i dcould lay in bed and play around on the net....i couldn't wait to look for a good message board and this one looked great! turned out great too!!! sorry for being so longwinded.. i think it is because i am a newbie here!!!

    thanks!!
  11. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    this time the mother asked my dh to watch her kid before she asked me....he was gone the last time she left him....as the original post above....

    she phrased it as could your dh pick up bryce after wrestling in case i don't make it back from out of town by 4:00....i said alright since my dh already said yes...then she changes thre time to for sure no later than 6 p.m...WHAT!!!! what happened to 4:00?

    today i am wiped out from son's bday last night(when the mom called ) and have sorethroat...dh is on his way home with our son and her son...he calls and said her child is crying and has an ear ache....wants his mom...he called the mom's cell phone and sure enough she hasn't even left for home from out of town....time is now 4:21...it is 80 miles home...she says she will leave for home now...dh calls me back and says you were right, she hasn't rven left for home! and that i bertter brace myself for this poor weeping child...great...i have all over pain and sorethroat....now i have to get up and take care of her child again...

    Why do i alw3ays fall for this? i will tell her no and next time dh will also tell her no...he forgot which mother did it to me last time!!!! bet he won't forget next time...also, dh has a meeting during the time the mother will be traveling home....he will be tqking the boy with him to the meeting....

    i wonder if the child hae an ear achre last night? and she still went out of town shopping...

    i am so mad again!!! i know what you are going to say!!! but dh told her yes before she talked to me...but, i am such a push over that she knew i would say yes...

    i just thought i should tell the tale since it is an update on the last time! hope it makes sense...
  12. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    "Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".

    Repeat after me- "Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".

    One more time for anyone who didn't get it.......
    "Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".

    'Nuff said.
  13. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Some people can smell a pushover ( areally nice person who hates to say no) I think you went above and beyond niceness,twice.
    These people thrive on it.
    But hon you have to take care of YOU!!
    All The Best,
    Jordane
  14. lease79

    lease79 New Member

    ~*QUOTE*~
    ________________________________________________________________
    Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".

    Repeat after me- "Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".

    One more time for anyone who didn't get it.......
    "Sorry, I can't, I'm sick".
    ________________________________________________________________

    Hun, honestly do exactly this!!!
    I for years looked after other people's children. I could have up to 4 extra's on top of my 4 at ONE TIME.
    Now I am just much to sick. I can't drive to help my friends, I can't have their kids for them & it utterly broke my heart at 26 to admit defeat & say NO.
    One friend at first took offence, but came around. The other that I had been looking after for years (she is a single Mum,) now comes & does MY dishes & helps me clean MY house. God bless her.
    As much as it hurt to say 'NO' at the time, it feels SOOOOOO much better afterwards ;)

    ~*Gentle Hugs*~

    Lisa
  15. kellyann

    kellyann New Member

    I'd have been mad too! I have a really hard time saying "NO!" also. For the past couple of months I have been watching my two grand babies, ages 3 and 1 so that my daughter could earn a little extra money working. It has about done me in. I have been especially sick as I have Lyme disease along with my FM, CFS,etc...and I have been on high doses of antibiotics. I have been herxing very badly lately and I have been just so sick and still trying to care for the kids. I have a two year old little girl myself. So I have had the three little ones to care for almost every day. My daughter then came up to me a couple days ago and told me she is pregnant again! I told her to quit her job imediately, that I couldn't possibly take on another baby. She did quit, thank goodness. She had a bad kidney infection on top of morning sickness, so she was ready to quit anyway. I still don't think she realizes how hard it was on me to keep the grandbabies. As much as I love them, I just can't keep them all the time. I have my hands full with my own little girl, she has special needs, she was born with microcephaly, which means a small head, and her brain is not fully formed. But she is my little angel! You can see her picture in my profile if you want. She is the most precious thing in my life, if it weren't for her I think I'd crawl in bed and never get up again.

    It is a lot easier to give advise than to actually follow it yourself, I know! But I'd never keep that woman's child ever again if I were you!
    Take Care!
    Kellyann

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