am I wrong to stay with my husband?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by doxygirl, Sep 10, 2007.

  1. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    because of money?

    After careful review of the post PVLady put on what constitutes a toxic person I realized that my husband is indeed a toxic person in my life!

    He never takes responsibility for his wrong doings, and if I ever get upset about anything he attacks me and will try to punish me for getting upset by giving me the silent treatment for sometimes weeks! I am smart enought to pick up on the fact that he feels like if he does this then I will not express when I get upset anymore!

    There is absolutely no intimacy and hasn't been for over two years and when I discussed this two years ago with my husband he told me it was my responsibility to come to him if I wanted intimacy! I believe intimacy is about "two" people not one!

    anyhow.....he also interogates me with questions....and they are always questions that he knows the answers are going to give him a reason to get mad at me and he always does!

    He is constantly telling me what to or what not to do....and frankly Iam sick of it.....the last straw was this weekend when I told him I wanted to go down to the beach and go for a walk ( because I think the beach is so romantic and beautiful at night )......

    once we got there after 5 minutes he wanted to go home.....it took us 1 1/2 hours to get there......he was whining that he is a morning person and Iam a night person and he was tired.......

    I asked him since he didn't have to get up early for work the next day why we couldn't stay longer.......he agreed but continued to let me know he was put out........so he ruined my night anyway!

    I spent the rest of the night feeling abaondoned and alone......and wishing I had someone who desired being with me and sharing the romance.....and ambience.

    THERE IS NO ROMANCE inour relationship........my husband uses the excuse he doesn't know how to be romantic but I always tell him that is funny since when we were dating he knew all the right things to do and say.....and now he forgets????????


    It has been me for 23 years that fixes everything and tries to find solutions for every problem.....and Iam TIRED!

    I just feel empty and dry with nothing left of me to give......he is a taker and Iam a giver and I cannot go on without some reciprocation......I feel like it is time to end this.....but there is absolutely no way financially I can leave Iam 100% financially dependent on him and there is no changing that anywhere in the near of distant future!

    I feel like I have nothing left in me for him ........and frankly Iam done being the giver and fixer.....it would be so nice to be in a relationship where someone cared enough for me to put some effort into the intimacy and daily probelms realtionships have.........

    I feel guilty for staying just because I have NO where to go......and I have no money of my own........

    Doxy

  2. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    I'm so sorry you feel this way!! It must be exhausting to be in this kind of relationship! Everyone of us needs love and support and it's devastating when we dont' get it. Especially when we are ill.

    I hope you can work things out one way or another and make it right somehow.

    hugs,
    dar
  3. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam really on a downer tonight for some reason.....and I have never felt this strongly about my marriage.....Iam just tired of trying.......it does no good when the other person feels like they never do anything wrong and clearly they do not put effort at all.

    Iam angry that I have to stay and cannot make the choice to leave...but the sad truth is that I cannot leave if I have a brain!

    I have had people tell me I do have a choice but they are not the ones who will pay for my roof over my head if I leave or for the medicine I need or food......I hope people here understand where Iam coming from.......

    The way the economy is and as sick as Iam right now....there is no other choice....at least not today!

    and it gets harder and harder knowing that that option is not available to me.........

    thanks for caring enough to write to me........and I will keep you posted


    Hugs
    Doxy
  4. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    You're never wrong to honor a commitment. This statement comes in hindsight from someone who's been divorced twice!

    I hope you'll get counseling, either separately or together. This on-going stress must be contributing to your illness.

    It sounds to me as if you two have formed some negative habits - but at least he went to the beach with you. What happened to make it unpleasant when you got there? You don't have to tell us, just think. Does he do anything right? Would it help to focus on those things? How would you support yourself if you weren't married to him? There are worse things than staying with someone because you can't afford not to, as long as you're not being injured emotionally or physically. I think when we're sick, we're more apt to feel stuck. Step back and take another look.

    My comments come from the oppositie side of the fence. The grass really isn't greener and there's sure a whole lot more to do!

    But finally, you're the only one who can make this decision. Maybe you're too tired right now to do it. Why not set a goal of, say, the first of the year? Decide you'll decide then and until then work on finding more good things. It takes two to make a good marriage or a bad one.

    Hugs to you,
    Marta

  5. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Believe me I have done nothing but think about the pros and cons of leaving....and for now I have no choice but to stay but if Iam honest it is NOT for the "right" reason.......Iam done trying!

    Every person in life has limits and I have reached mine......he is never happy EVER! I have tried everythign I know how to but it is clear to me that he is they type of person that needs drams and chaos in his life to feel good!

    "Yes" he does have some good qualities but the bad ones out weigh the good by far....also I was told years ago by a counselor that my husband is "passive=aggressive" so recently I went on the internet doing research on the passive aggressive behavior and found this:

    "the goal of the passive aggressive personality is to frustrate the wishes of others and make them angry......this fits my husband to a tee.......I am constantly feeling like he goes out of his way to make me upset....

    I have learned to be a master at communication and the saddest thing of all of this is that when I communicate anything to him he does exaclty what Iam upset about to piss me off......also it has taken me over 9 years of counseling to learn to stand up for myself and stop letting him abuse me...my counselor has all but given up on me for allowing myself to let him treat me the way he does......

    thank you so much for your opinion it means so much to me!

    Hugs
    Doxy
    [This Message was Edited on 09/11/2007]
  6. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam in tears right now after reading your post to me.......I do not know why I have never let this out.....maybe a lot of it is that I feel............

    embarassed to admit that Iam so unhappy in my marriage because really Iam a happy person.....I just do not feel like there is anything more I can do in this relationship no matter what I do he his never happy!......Iam completly drained and dry!

    I do not want to try, I have no desire to try.......he has taken everything and given nothing as far as the work it takes to make a relationship..., he is a very hard worker and for that Iam so very grateful but unfortunately hard worker or not that does not make a marriage work!


    It takes two partners and this relationship is one person doing all the "relationship" work!and that would be.... "ME"

    I do no think Iam explaining myself well here....but In a nut shell I just feel so lonely.......Iam tired of holding the love I have,..... inside me because I will be hurt if I let it out......I need to be able to give to feel good.....and I just cannot do that with this man.....because it is not safe to do so!

    Believe me I have tried!

    Elaine, there is no physical abuse right now......but I do believe that....that is another problem for me because for the first 15 years off and on there was........I could never allow that ever again and he knows this.....also my oldest son made it clear to him that it had better not happen again either, and my husband knows he meant what he said!

    My sons all three of them would never let him get away with something like that ever again!

    But I must admit that Iam made at myself to this day for ever allowing him to touch me like he did!

    Thank you so much for your support and understanding, for now I have to stay.....but I pray that either he changes or that a path comes my way that allows me to be free and safe, and secure

    Thanks again for your love and support
    Doxy
  7. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Doxy,

    It is so hard to know what to say. It surely sounds to me like the latter- that he KNOWS how to puch your buttons and is taking advantage of you and your condition.

    I know that it is very easy to say, that you do not have to take the abuse he is giving you. I know because my daugther was more or less in your same situation. She actually had to plan, like someone else said to get away. She tried really hard, like 15 years and they have three sons. It is a very long story,.. He also was not phusically abusive but he was very manipulative, mentally, and psychologically abusive. It is along story and par of his problem was drinking but that was just part of it.

    He went to AA for awhile and a very little counciling but of course everything was still her fault, no matter what. She finally got him to buy another car, so she got the car he had almost wore out. she found a job and left, getting a divorce. Two younger boys with problems are with her and he has the 17 year old but they do sort of both have them off and on . She always gets the dirty end of it anyway. One child has LD's and the other with leukemia. He would never bring the little one for his treatments but is now doing so once in awhile We will see how it goes. i still doen't trust him. He is very lazy and wants things his way (convenient).c She was also sick with different things and he never gave her money for anythng let along to get well. Of course they really could find much -alot of stress, probbly yeast and thyroid mostly,

    It sounds to me that you have been trying. Has he gone to counciling with you at all? It sounds like you have been doing all the trying.. I am all for trying as much as possible, to much divorce going on today . However,it must be your decision.

    God bless you Doxygirl. I am really thinking about you and hope you can get through t this. Remember you are alot stronger than you think you are now. Trust me, even if youa are sick. My daughter feels better now with all her problems withoutliving wirh her x husband.

    BIG soft hugs and blessings,

    Granni (Marilyn)
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i'm sorry t hear your are feeling the way that you do.

    i have been there, except we had the sexual passion for one another...it was all the other stuff that was getting in the way.

    it depressed me to seem him walk out the door to go to work knowing he wasn't going to be home for days, because of work. but he was also playing the field.

    my suggestion is to try to get yourself on any and all section 8 waiting list available in the state of california...apply for ssdi if you haven't already.

    set yourself up just in case you decide you need a divorce...i didn't want one; i needed to get out...

    take some of the other advice....marital couseling is helpful at times...if he won't change you can change yourself to be a stronger woman in the end.

    he w/need to pay spousal/child support for any children 18 and under or are attending high school still....

    i have to do more homework and i have a 9 am class.

    hugs

    jodie
  9. harmony21

    harmony21 New Member

    Wow, I so feel for you, its bad enough to cope with illness as well as marital problems to boot....

    I though am probably the last person to give advice although there has been much turmoil in my first marriage as well as my second BUT

    the inner voice within needs to be listened to and only you know what the limits are, no one else....

    Counselling is good and often gives you the confidence and self estemm often lost in relationships with turmoil

    You need to do what you need to do and not regret doing so, if that makes sense...... years ago I had an abortion and people ask are you sorry and i say I made a decision then and I cant go back, it is what it is......

    Good luck lovey in whatever you do and know we are here for you anytime


    angel hugs, blessings and peace

    connie
  10. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Molly, Dar, Marta Elaine, Granni, Jodie, and Connie!

    Thank you all so much for posting to me......and sending support......

    Sometimes I feel as though I look like a bad person because I feel this way...but I can assure everyone that I do not feel this way from a lack of trying the best I know how!

    I have seen a counselor for years now and he has always felt like I should have left my husband a long time ago.....but does understand how sick Iam and that.....that complicates my ability to just pack up and leave.

    He has taught me so much and given me the tools to change myself into a much better person........I do not feel that counseling would help this marriage because my husband denies that he does anything wrong.......and the times that he has admitted wrong doings he throws the biggest and best pity party you have ever seen!

    I for one and not falling for the pity party anymore.....for this is altering my life and my happiness so his problems are clearly putting a damper on my life and ability to be happy and peaceful!

    With all my heart I believe that he loves me......but he cannot stop himself from going out of his way to make me upset......it is almost seems like he gets "high" from watching me be upset.............................

    ........................but I guess you have to trust me on this it is the honest truth....he literally gets off on seeing me upset! and this is not a road I want to travel on anymore it is too draining and with dd Iam sure it does not make anything better for me!
  11. susabar

    susabar New Member

    Let's just say things got so tough with my husband it became a matter of life or death !! I am alone now with my daughter and while I love the freedom from him I do have all the responsibilty of everything. I can support us but I work full-time in a stressful job and my FM justs screams.... I do take my meds and all but I am so busy trying to keep a float that I don't have time for much else. It's really difficult but NOT as difficult as when he was here !!!

    Good Luck !!
  12. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Please do not be sorry that I cried....it was just because what you said made me realize that I should have said something long ago.......sadly, Iam embarassed that I have put myself in this situation and that I stay.....

    unfortunately I do not have any other choice right now!

    Did you see I said right now? LOL ;)

    I pray every single day that he will change or that an easy path for me to leave will appear......I was single with my first son and broke....life was such a struggle that I was closer than close to being homeless....I vowed that I will never be like that again it is the worst feeling in the world to not have money for food or rent......and I worked!

    I will stay so that I have a roof over my head....like Marta said there are things that could be worse......I have put up with crap for over 22 years what is a few more?

    My biggest wish is that I had enough health to work and be self sufficent!

    Thank you Elaine for writing to me and for lifting my spirits...and for sharing your story with us.......I know that was difficult for you but iam so glad you did!

    You are a good friend to me and it means a lot to me to have you in my corner!;)

    Hugs, love and many thanks
    Doxy

  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i had a 40 yr. old woman at my math tutoring college asked me for pointers on how to divorce her hb...she already spent 30k over a year ago...he is a cpa..she has never worked...

    she is trying to get into the dental hygiene program...she is luckier than we are physically no problems...but she has the same worries as you do can't afford to live in a 1 million plus dollar home and support kids...

    the guy is sneaky she said and has probably hid money all over the place and she can't afford to keep paying everyone to seek out money...she said they have laws for child support etc..

    i said sure they have laws, but so easy for them in my county to get away from paying a darn dime...

    so anyways...don't feel stupid or dumb....you are doing what millions of other woman are doing for one reason or another.

    my suggestion is to file for ssdi and maybe you could possible go back to college some year...trust me it is no walk in the park for me...my eye's are dry and i am tired now.

    check out section 8 voucher programs to sign up for...that w/be a big help there...a lottery in my case....

    well just thinking of you and hold your head up high, puff out that chest and don't let him think he is getting to you. just make plans to yourself...for just in case he does not think you mean business someday...protect yourself and put away some money in a safe deposit box.

    jodie
  14. Suzan

    Suzan New Member

    After the last few weeks of my life...I have so much sympathy for you..and I totally understand how it is to feel dependant on someone...and feel like you have no options.

    My atty has assured me, that because of this illness...he can get me years of maintenance payments...although that money is dependent on dh paying it..so there are no guarantees there...but hopefully, he does what the court orders him to do!

    I hope you find a way out of the pain you are in..whether it is him changing..or you leaving...Meanwhile, make sure that you take care of yourself as best you can. I made the mistake of giving almost all of my energy to 'him'...and then he tossed me out anyway...I wish now I would have taken better care of myself...instead of using up all my energy to try to make him happy.

    I wish you well in this part of YOUR journey...

    Suzan
  15. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Hi. I didn't read the other posts, so I may be repeating what others have already told you.

    If you have no financial support if you leave your hubby, then your options are limited. That doesn't mean you have to take his garbage though.

    My suggestion is to make a life outside of his antics. Join club. Take art classes. Walk with someone each evening.

    The important thing to do is something that makes you feel good about yourself. The other important thing is to change the rules of the game between you and your hubby.

    By reacting, walking on egg shells, backing down when he pulls the garbage---it is actually teaching him this is the way to control you. No matter how hard you try, he is never satisfied. It is as if he emotionally recharges his batteries by draining yours. As long as you stick to the old script, he will continue to do this to you.

    So change the rules of the game. Stop doing what he expects you to do. you need to become unpredictable.

    You need to stop being the "peace maker" because you are putting yourself in the middle of a big pond of quick sand every time that you take on this role. Do the unexpected. Don't be predictable. Remove the audience (you) when he starts this garbage.

    See if your local library has a copy of Emotional Blackmail. Read it. Another book that is quite old but helps you to realize the manipulative antics is Cutting Loose. Cutting Loose doesn't really tell you how to stop the issues as much as it helps you recognize the antics.

    Your goal should be to go from the feeling of being a victim ---to the feeling of being a victor. I dont' see how you can leave your home and go out on your own with no means of financial income, but that doesn't mean you are helpless.

    I am also strongly suggesting that you immediately stop trying to justify or explain your actions to him. You have to come up with a short, one sentence remark AND STICK TO IT. The minute you try to justify or explain---you have lost your power.
  16. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Elaine, Suzan, and Joyfully......

    thank you so much for being here for me......you would think that I would be better at his game than Iam...and that is why my counselor of almost 10 years gets frustrated with me.......

    To this day I still get caught in his traps....although I will say Iam MUCH better than I used to be.........

    one of the things that really bothers me terribly is that he gets his family on the phone and tells a story like you would just not believe.....

    every word from his mouth is how "I" do everything to "HIM"!

    I don't trust him ....etc, etc, etc...on and on.....well, when I met him he was sneaky and a liar......but he let NOTHING of that side of him show until we had been married for over a year and I was 5 months pregnant!

    I was having problems with my pregnancy and my Dr took me off of work for the rest of my pregnancy...that is the first time he choked me and threatened to lock me up....he told me that I was ugly and fat and no one else would want me....

    I was devastated to say the least......and from then on it was whenever he was in a bad mood or I said something he didn't like that I was thrown around the room or worse....

    I do not want to go on about this because my sons all of them would take him down if he ever touched me again and he knows this so he does not touch me anymore

    I can't seem to get the focus off of what he is going to tell his family and others because I know he will lie and make me out to be this awful person.......that should be the LAST thing I worry about but Iam just being honest.....

    and as I write this I realize that he is NEVER going to stop blaming me and everyone else because that is just his character!

    My counselor told me about a year ago if I would stop blaming myself he would be the happiest person on this earth! LOL

    I work so hard to help others and to be kind and worry far too much that it is never enough............same as I do with husband........

    He turns everything around on me....if I say Iam upset ...instead of saying let's sit down and talk about it he attacks me!

    I know his behaviors are not ok....and that Iam not responsible for his wrong doings......but since I have to live here Iam effected by it and that is where my frustrations come in so strong......

    I want to not hear, feel, or see it one more day of my life and that is not possible at this point in my life...so Iam mad.........

    this is where Iam angry I have dd....because if I didn't I could work three jobs if I had to.........to get away from this poison!

    thanks so much for letting me talk this out and for caring........things are really bad for me.....Iam completly unhappy ...but maybe he will feel this from me and start to wake up...I doubt it but you never know?

    Thanks with all my heart
    Doxy
  17. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Elaine, Suzan, and Joyfully......

    thank you so much for being here for me......you would think that I would be better at his game than Iam...and that is why my counselor of almost 10 years gets frustrated with me.......

    To this day I still get caught in his traps....although I will say Iam MUCH better than I used to be.........he is just so good at his game that I must be on my toes at all times to protect myself ( from verbal and emotional assault).

    one of the things that really bothers me terribly is that he gets his family on the phone and anyone else that will fall for his lies and tells a story like you would just not believe.....

    every word from his mouth is how Iam the one doing all of the bad things "to him"!............

    ...... when I met him he was sneaky and a liar......but he let NOTHING of that side of him show until we had been married for over a year and I was 5 months pregnant!m ( I guess you could say until he felt safe I would have a hard time leaving)

    I was having problems with my pregnancy and my Dr took me off of work for the rest of my pregnancy...that is the first time he choked me and threatened to lock me up....he told me that I was ugly and fat and no one else would want me....this became a series of events after the first incident!

    I was devastated to say the least......and from then on it was whenever he was in a bad mood or I said something he didn't like that I was thrown around the room or worse....

    I do not want to go on about this because my sons all of them would take him down if he ever touched me again and he knows this so he does not touch me anymore.....what I do have a problem with is the fact that........

    I can't seem to get the focus off of what he is going to tell his family and others because I know he will lie and make me out to be this awful person....... I know that....that should be the LAST thing I worry about but Iam just being honest.....

    and as I write this I realize that he is NEVER going to stop blaming me and everyone else because that is just his character!

    I have always hoped he would stop his lying and sneaky ways but just last week I caught him yet another stupid and unnecessary lie....and you'll never guess who he blamed for lying? "Ok" Iam sure you can and did guess it was me! LOL

    My counselor told me about a year ago if I would stop blaming myself he would be the happiest person on this earth! LOL

    why I can't let go of blame I do not know....because I know for sure the blame is NOT me....please do not misunderstand this for me thinking Iam some perfect person because I know Iam far from that! but I just know if he was honest, took responsibility and had a more patient heart we would be fine right now!

    I work so hard to help others and to be kind....... and worry far too much that it is never enough............same as I do with husband........

    He turns everything around on me....if I say Iam upset ...instead of saying let's sit down and talk about it he attacks me!...or says "well Iam not happy"! but he fails to see that he is the cause of his own unhappiness.....it is always my fault in his mind!

    I know his behaviors are not ok....and that Iam not responsible for his wrong doings......but since I have to live here Iam effected by it and that is where my frustrations come in so strong......

    I want to not hear, feel, or see it one more day of my life and that is not possible at this point in my life...so Iam mad.........

    this is where Iam angry I have dd....because if I didn't I could work three jobs if I had to.........to get away from this poison!

    thanks so much for letting me talk this out and for caring........things are really bad for me.....Iam completly unhappy ...but maybe he will feel this from me and start to wake up...I doubt it but you never know?

    Thanks with all my heart
    Doxy
  18. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    you wonder why you blame yourself? it is the control he has over you that he wants you to feel.....you need to know that you did not cause any of his problems.......

    my exhb blamed me for his dui and other stupid things he did...how the heck could i be the one when i was 80 miles away at home sleeping when he got a dui...idiot he is.

    there are women shelters out their for women like you....and tip in our county the first people they give section 8 voucher s to are victims of domestic violence...that sounds like your situation.

    maybe you could room w/one of your children as well.

    thinking you

    jodie
  19. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Iam so lucky to have you for a friend! You are amazing!

    I wonder if they have shelters for people who are sick?

    I would never be able to abide by the rules of a shelter.....because I have to sleep most of the first part of the day and stay up late at night otherwise I may as well not even get up my pain and sickness is so bad.....

    I just cannot "do" mornings!

    I guess you are right about the guilt.........it is always the first thing out of his mouth "YOU , YOU, YOU"!

    It really should not matter what he says......he is a manipulator and and sneaky liar....that is who he is and he has no excuses....he chooses to be this way.......

    Iam sick of hearing his sad childhood stories why he is like he is......personally I think he just wants to control and have his way and by trying to make me feel sorry for him keeps him from blowing his true cover!

    I had an awful childhood.....and Iam a good person!..... so I have little empathy for someone I highly doubt even had a bad childhood and if he did at the age of 48 continues to badger others and makes choices to hurt others as a result of those circumstances!

    I have enough to deal with I do not need this or want this in my life......

    just please keep my situation in your prayers...as I will do for you!

    Thank you Jodie for being here for me and always writing to me........

    Hugs
    Doxy
  20. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    First, I didn't know there was physical violence involved. That makes this a more dangerous situation. could you live with one of your children?

    2nd. You wrote, "Iam completly unhappy ...but maybe he will feel this from me and start to wake up...I doubt it but you never know?"

    Ans. It ain't gonna' happen. This is a well rehearsed routine that works very well for him. Why would he ever want to change under these circumstances. You can't change him, but you can change your reaction to him. When he stops getting his "reward" for his poor behavior, that will be the only motivation for him to do try something different. Also, you can expect it to get worse before it starts to get better---that is almost a given with behavior modification.

    OK. so when he is telling you about his horrible childhood----is this about his family???? If so, this is perfect ammunition against him. You are so worried about what he is going to tell his parents about you, you can calmly tell him to go ahead and make the call. But make sure he also knows that you will follow-up by telling his parents the terrible things that he says they did to him as a child. You don't say this in a threatening manner---cold monotone is far more believable and effective. Take the emotion OUT of your voice so the coldness penetrates right through him.

    does he do all of this yelling and threats to you in front of his friends? OR---is he one of these Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality types???

    I'd tape some of his ranting fits and make copies. When he is having one of his hissy fits, I'd give him a copy or just put it in the machine and hit "play". Tell him if he keeps up this garbage, you will give a copy to some of his friends for a Christmas present. Say it in a way that he doesn't know if you are serious or not. You want his conscience and fear of his friends finding out what he is REALLY like to start bothering him. You want it where he starts hesitating before he reacts.

    Keep the other copies somewhere that he can't get to them.

    The only way your hubby is going to start backing down is from fear of losing OTHER PEOPLE's respect. He doesn't care what your opinion is. The only thing it seems he wants from you is obedience and fear. I'm sending you a big hug. I am so sorry you are going through this; it has to be terrible to be "walking around on egg shells" all the time. To be sick and deal with this emotional abuse has to be overwhelming.



    [This Message was Edited on 09/14/2007]