Angry Husband...don't know what to do to help him, and me

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by achy, Mar 23, 2006.

  1. achy

    achy New Member

    My DH is the best. Loving, caring, helpful and hard working.
    He always asks what he can do for me, gives me backrubs, etc
    He is my best friend and the love of my life.

    BUT, lately he is constanly "_itching at me - everyday and sometimes it seems like all day. If I buy juice, I shouldn't have - If I don't I should have. I shouldn't do this or I should have done that. Then there is the constant don't overdo it. Don't do this, don't do that...but if something doesn't get done I'm in trouble for that too.

    And then the anger. He's fine one minute, and the next BAM. He's down right mad over some little thing. It doesn't last long, but it can ruin the whole day.

    I'm to the point I'm "afraid" to do anything. I'm having a hard time making a decision WHAT to do....what will HE say if I...

    ((I found out after counciling last year he's having a hard time dealing with my illness. And its the cause of most of his anger. He's not angry at me for being 'sick', he's angry at the situation. Partly because....
    He says he feels responsible, and nothing I have said in the 20 years since the accident makes any difference. He was driving when we had a bad wreck -what dr. feels started all this. He was not at fault, another driver turned in front of us and we T-boned. DH actually SAVED our lives in my opinion.))

    ANYWAY, What can I do to help him let go of the anger and stop this constant bickering?? The stress is really taking a toll on me, and I'm sure for him too. I'm at my whits end.


    Thanks to taking the time to read and reply.
    warm fuzzies
    achy



  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I know this can happebn. It just takes over all of our lives. Maybe he gets irritable because he is tired. He sounds like a nice guy.

    I get a bit the same when I am tired. Not as bad. But I did yesterday. I really lost it for five minutes or so, even yelled at my autistic kid, which I never do. Just too long a winter and to late a spring for me.

    Love Anne C
  3. Chermione

    Chermione New Member

    It sounds like misplaced anger to me. Like something else is going on and he's taking it out on whatever is handy at the time. You should talk to him calmly about it, tell him you're concerned b/c it's not like him to be like this and you feel something might be going on that is making him lash out. Tell him you're there to listen whenever he's ready to talk about it but let him know that in the mean time it's taking it's toll on you emotionally. I hope you can get to the bottom of it and work it out.
    Take care,
    Cheryl
  4. justlooking

    justlooking New Member

    My hubby is like that almost every day when he first comes home from work for about 10-15 minutes. Its like a transitional time from work to home. He will complain and be unhappy about EVERYTHING!! I usually just ignore him and let him settle in and then he's fine.
    If the attitude continues past that time then I will usually say something like "Do you need a hug?" and then he usually realizes he's full of attitude. If he's still in a bad mood then he just goes into his office and we all leave him alone.
    He can be arguementative and difficult at times so I've just learned to avoid getting trapped into it and use loving sarcasm to change his mood. Usually works but if it doesn't then I just walk away and give us both space....I don't need the stress of an arguement or bickering so I don't let his mood get under my skin.
    I think we all have our moments and I have to let him have his, God knows I have lots of my own LOL. I also realize its not usually me or whatever he's complaining about that is the problem he's just stressed and tired from a long day at work and needs to vent it somehow and complaining about what I made for dinner or what I'm letting the kids do is just an outlet for his other frustrations.
    I've learned not to take it personally or effect me and my day.

    Sincerely
    JL
  5. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    Achy:
    Why not hash it out with him. Get to the bottom of it and tell him how you feel. If he is your 'best friend', a good talk might help him deal with his feelings. He may be more apt to do this knowing what it is doing to you. Just a guess.

    N.F.
  6. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    I too have a great husband.

    But after 3 yrs. of being jerked around by doctors, p.t. , lawyers, and SS, he has become angry.
    He has become both angry and depressed.

    Like the other's here have mentioned, men want to fix things and this he can't do anything about.

    plus now he is our only source of income, he has to do almost all the housework and sometimes has to stay home from work when I have really bad flares .
    That is a lot to take on.

    He has gone to a counselor, but we can't afford both p.T. for me and counseling for him ( I too quit my counseling because of no $).

    We are doing the best we can right now.

    I try to understand and look at it from his point of view.

    He tried to vent to buddies at work, but they don't underdstand ( sound familar:)so there is alot of frustration.

    If your husband is willing and if you can afford it, counseling would probably help him.
    just having someone to talk to ( men need to talk too:).

    I know my husband tries not to vent to me. I try not to vent to him. Now there are to frustrated people.
    I bet the divorce rate is high.

    Anyway, i guess none of this is really helpful, I'm basically trying to say I understand!:)

    talk to him about what might help him deal with this better. he'll surely appreicate your asking.:)

    Best wishes to you both,
    Claudia
  7. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    I am not Catholic but Catholic Social Services used to have counseling on a sliding scale according to income.It's been several years but it might be worth a try.Linda
  8. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    Hi,
    Thanks for the info, I will tell my husband about it.
    We are not catholic either, though we were raised catholic.:)

    My husband was going to Wellspouse, it is like this, but for the "healthy" spouse.

    I think that also depressed him, because of all the tragic stories there. It aslo made him grateful. But the tone was alway's negative so he has stayed away.

    Thanks for the info, I appreciate it.:)

    Claudia
  9. gumama

    gumama New Member

    Hi

    I'm on the other end of the spectrum... I've been taking care of my husband for 14 yrs .. he has Lupus and Fibro, and I literally DON'T have a life....what I read in your post is... FRUSTRATION. Boy do I relate to that... NOW having said that... I love my husband, but being a full time caregiver can really get to you at times...

    What I also read in your post is your Husband is VERY concerned with your illness, thus his saying don't do this, don't do that... I will tell you that MEN DO NOT handle their wives being ill, no matter the illness..

    We as wives are their security, and God didn't make them to be caregivers...I just don't think he knows what to do anymore.. I've been there done that.

    My husband also has diabetes, and we have had more than our share of arguments about his getting up in the night and "snacking".. I finally sat down with him and said.....

    I haven't come this far with you, just to let you ruin your health any further, once I explained that if he truly loved me, then he would HELP me get him better... its been a long 16 months, he's had a heart attack, a stint put in, and of course the Lupus is always flaring, and now he's also been diagnosed with Fibro..

    my days are full of being quiet so he can rest, because he has migraines on a scale of 10 24/7 and has had his entire illness.. I have no social life, and no friends. my Grown Daughter and her family live 160 mile round trip from us. so we don't get there very often, my Son and his family live down the street from me.

    I guess what I'm trying to say in all of this. as the caregiver myself, I understand your Husbands frustration... you say he's loving and your best friend, what I personally think your dealing with here for him is BURN OUT. he's trying to be a good husband, and still hold a job and do all he can for you......

    Somedays, as the caregiver it just doesn't make any sense, and you wonder " Why me Lord".. I understand your side of it as well, because you feel helpless, and dependent, and that does nothing to help you emotionally.

    I would agree with another poster, that you sit down with him and tell him you understand where he's coming from, but he needs to know that he's NOT responsible for your illness and that you appreciate everything he does for you...

    Believe me that will go a long way in solving this situation for you... I hope this gives you another view of the caregiver's role in this illness..

    Blessings
    Gumama
  10. elastigirl

    elastigirl New Member

    ... deleting and running. I had to sign off suddenly.

    Deleted my post because I wasn't quite sure it applied in your situation. At any rate, I certainly wish you the best :). I hope your husband finds a better way to deal soon.
  11. futurehope

    futurehope New Member

    That are illness take a toll on everyone.

    I know that my husband gets mad at me sometimes because he CANNOT help me and he just does not know what to do.

    Maybe your hubby is going thru a phase of feeling bad.

    I would have a good talk with him. The two of you need to work this out before it gets too bad. The worse it gets, the more the marriage will fall apart.

    Since the two of you have a good marriage. Do whatever it takes to understand how the other feels, if it takes counseling then do it.

    If he is feeling too overwhelmed by the chores, hire someone to come in once a week to clean.

    Just remember if the two of you love each other, all will work out in the end.

    Love and prayers,
    Brenda
  12. achy

    achy New Member

    Haven't been able to log on, please don't think your relplies were not important to me!!!

    I should have said we have been to counciling, and it did help...but it was a few years ago.

    Your replies have given me a new insight into his side of the issue. Maybe I do need to be a little less sensitive to his attitudes. I do try to come back at him with loving humor...and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    I have no doubt we will get thru this, our marrage is very strong after 25 years.

    It just hurts so much to know your the cause of your husbands stress and anger.

    Thanks for your help...
    achy
  13. willruthie1965

    willruthie1965 New Member

    He seems so overwhelmed ! The thiing is you are the sick one and one more action by him could make you even more sick..You know are stress is much different than other peoples.Tell him how much you love him and thankful he is so dedicated too you.I do wonder how many people have been in an accident.I ws 5 years ago but didn't get sick seriously till 4 months ago.Ruthie
  14. Jasmine

    Jasmine New Member

    Emotional Freedom Technique is a technique that my husband and I have used to immediately release our anger and upset feelings. Gary Craig has a manual on the internet and it can be learned in about an hour or so. It's like an emotional accupressure. I used it for several months and released a lot of negative past issues from my body and i feel much better for it.

    Love, Jasmine
  15. mme_curie68

    mme_curie68 New Member

    Resentments over one thing frequently manifest as anger over something else. If your hubby's like mine, he gets angry at something stupid because he knows it's "inappropriate" to be angry with me about something I can't control.

    However, unacknowledged anger is poisonous. Because the resentment level builds with no release and then the next thing you know somebody's filing for divorce because your socks aren't folded the right way.

    The only way to get rid of it is to examine it for what it actually is.

    I recommend a good - verbal only - "knock-down, drag-out" argument. Why - because the passive-agressive garbage that is accumulating into a well-worn cycle of "we're afraid to talk to each other" is only going to compound in a negative direction unless it is dealt with.

    The other hand-in-hand culprit of anger is depression. A person who is clinically depressed may be exhibiting anger rather than tears (especially if said person also believes "crying is for sissies").

    My husband can be irritatingly passive-agressive because he was raised in a family where he was taught is was more appropriate to "stuff" his feelings than talk about them.

    I was raised in a family where you yelled and screamed about an issue and then got over it once it was out.

    Both extremes are bad. A healthy relationship has a mix of both. We try but sometimes we both regress to what we were raised with if the issue gets dragged out. We rarely fight, but when we do, it is generally over something that's been building up between us that we refused to deal with for whatever reason.

    I was so mad at him the last time, I packed a bag and left for a hotel for the night because I couldn't even stand the thought of sleeping next to the guy in the frame of mind I was in. Don't get me wrong - we were mad as hell with each other, but we've never injected the "D-word" into a fight - just cause we're madder n a wet hen doesn't mean we don't love each other to pieces - we do. We're just human. It happens.

    12 hours later, we made up and both acknowledged our idiocy. But the break was what we both needed to cool down and look at the situation with new perspectives. Sometimes it's just unproductive to keep discussing something when you're too ticked off.

    Write a letter if you feel too nervous about bringing up the situation for fear that it won't come out right or that he'll just pop his cork before you have a chance to explain. Leave it for him in his lunch or somewhere where he'll have a chance to think about what you're saying before you discuss it.

    Express your fears and concerns and make sure you use terms like "I feel like you're angry about my disease, but since you have acknowledged it is out of my control you're venting it by picking on me for every little thing....etc". Because it is your perception of his behavior without a two-way channel of communication - it could be something else completely different that is bothering him. Hopefully that will open him up.

    Good luck,
    Hugs,
    Madame Curie
  16. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    Hi Achy,
    So sorry,its rough,for both of you.You going thru the pain and all the mess that goes with this DD.I would say he is feeling overwhelmed,angry because there is nothing he can do to make you better,and the guilt.And its you he takes it out on,hard to figure,but that is often how it works.
    I can tell when my husband gets OD"d,he gets that look,and my just breathing ,I swear ,sets him off.We both walk around on egg shells.But somehow we get thru it.Basicly beause usually they are the best.And we try to keep that in mind during these times.
    My prayers go out to you both!!
    Take Care,
    Jordane
  17. deb06

    deb06 New Member

    Hey there. I had a serious car accident and then got my fibro diagnosis 4 yrs following. I think that 4 is often the magic number here. deb