Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by fivesue, Nov 1, 2005.

  1. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Just wrote a note to my husband on the e-mail. I am so angry with him! He is a darling man, but when he decides how something is going to be, NOTHING will move him.

    So, I am having trouble with medications plus FM. I'm not sleeping, not feeling well, and very depressed. Physically feeling bad from depression.

    So, we are going to Santa Barbara for his uncle's funeral. I wanted a motel for 2 nights, but he had it in his mind to get it for one and spend two nights at his mother's house...with his son, sister, her husband, their son, his mother...a very small three bedroom house. I will have no space, no place to get up and roam the house, watch TV when I wake up at 4 AM...Just stay in bed and suffer. (By the way, it is an 11 hour drive one way.)

    I told him I wasn't going today, and he is not accepting it. I just wrote him a note telling him that he's won...but I'm mad. MAD. We are going out to lunch with friends at noon and I'm mad. I hope he reads my e-mail before we meet.

    Nothing I can do. Just go and be the good little wife. I'm so angry that he won't listen to me. He listens to his sister...I tell him one thing and he ignores it and then asks his sister and goes with what she wants.

    So, don't tell me to tell him because I already have. He'll get the note. I'm just venting and crying.

    And, my hair cut was cancelled at 8:30 this morning and not going to happen until 5:30 tonight. It is so long and so bothers me. AAGHHHHH!

    Life is the pits.
  2. Zzzsharn

    Zzzsharn New Member

    Feeling bad for you, hun. Hopefully he will come to his senses.

    Is it financial reasons why he won't get the room for 2 nights? Or, just that he wants to be close to family? Or just being argumentative?

    I agree that you would be much more comfortable in a hotel, it's a shame he won't support you in this.

    Be well,
  3. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I'm having an attacks of the angries right now as well -- fortunately for his sake, NOT my husband.

    Alas, I can't do anything but commiserate. My husband does similar things as well, although I think it just makes it worse (rubs salt in the wounds) when he later says, "You know, you were right...we should have done X instead of Y...well, NEXT time we'll know!" As if he couldn't have just listened to me in the beginning.

    As you know, sucking back the anger just makes things worse for you. Is it possible that you can do a little something for yourself to vent and/or take care of yourself in the meantime? I'd just hate to have you simmering the whole time about something you took for the sake of 'peace' when it was eating you up inside.

    If on the trip you are staying in the same bedroom with your husband (which it sounds as if you are), I'd suggest you take a flashlight and a book or headphones and CDs. That way you can stay in the bedroom and do SOMETHING instead of staring at the ceiling. If he complains about the light, you can tell him I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS THAT BIG A DEAL! (That's what my husband says and it gets me SO STEAMED!)

    Sharing your crappy day in sisterhood....
  4. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    Juloo, I did share all this with an e-mail. And I tried to talk to him all last night. He just won't listen at this point. He's got his mind made up. And I told him this morning I wasn't going! How much more can I say??! I'm still stewing, but that's the way it goes.

    HE is a wonderful person until it comes to things like this, and IT JUST BUGS me to DEATH that he won't listen to me.

    Good idea about the flashlight and CD fact, since he doesn't want to spend the money, maybe I'll go buy myself a portable DVD...that ought to do it.

    I want him to just fly and leave me be, Sharon, because the hotels in town are filled for Friday night. I asked him to ask if there had been any cancellations when he booked for Thursday night...but he wouldn't even do that! Just ask.

    He just wants to do it the way he wants to do it and that's it. His sister told him how much more visiting he could get done staying there. SO WHAT! We were just there!


    Sisterhood anger day...I'm there!

  5. stinker56

    stinker56 New Member

    For years, my husband's family which are live in another state, had control as to where we would stay for any visit or command appearance we had to make. It would be me, my husband and our son. I would always just go along with his wishes even if our son had to end up sleeping on a sofa or in the floor then one day, I said enough is enough. It wasn't for a funeral, I wouldn't have chosen that time to stub up but for some birthday, anniversary, etc. I said if you want to go, go without us. I am not staying somewhere that I can't get up when I have to. I get up all thru the night at home and being away makes it even worse. I said either we stay in a motel from now on or this is the last time they see our son or me. My husband didn't like it at first but after the first trip, it got easier. Our son is grown now and there is no question as to a motel or family home, it is always a motel. It is bad enough to feel the way we feel to start with but to add tension to it is almost too much.
    That is a good idea about the DVD player. Which I had thought of that. I just always got up and tried to sit quietly so he could sleep. I have even took a book and went into the bathroom and read to keep from bothering anyone else in the house. What an idiot I was.
    Hope the trip isn't too uncomfortable.
  6. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    They're now getting much less expensive than they used to be. We take ours on long road trips, and it really saves us (we have a pre-teen son). I can also plug it in and put it on the kitchen counter so I can watch something while I clean. That way I don't get bored.

    I truly do understand where you're at. For some weird reason, my husband gets really worked up over family (his birth family, not his 'marriage' family). He wants to arrange everything to the nth degree and make sure everyone has a wonderful time. (See definition of 'everyone' above.)

    One time our son was home having serious complications from surgery, and my husband STILL invited people to our house for a weekend in which he hung out with them and went to a big football game. (During this time I was spending the nights sleeping on the floor next to our son so I could give him medicine every two hours and monitor his breathing.)

    My husband was so oblivious that my BROTHER-IN-LAW came to me confidentially and told me that he and his wife were uncomfortable staying there because our son was so sick -- he couldn't believe that my husband had not told them what the situation was before they came. My mother-in-law called and asked to talk to my husband and could not believe it when I told her that we had company and they had all gone to the game and left my son and I at home.

    Like I said, at the 'big game', my husband spent half of it in the car thinking about why he put a football game ahead of his own son and wife. He apologized later, and I accepted, but a bit of the damage had already been done, you know?

    P.S. The next day, our son ended up in the hospital for four days. The day we got our son home, in the ten previous days, I'd had a total of three nights sleep. The following day, I found out I was pregnant.
    [This Message was Edited on 11/01/2005]
  7. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    drink her coffee (I'll bring some cookies) and talk. Yell if we want, laugh a lot, and wouldn't we all feel better? Sigh...I would so love to meet all of you face to face.

    We had lunch with another couple, and as my husband hadn't read the e-mail I wrote, I told him about it so he's going to read it. I'm a little calmed down now, but still upset about the whole thing, the whole thing about letting sister (whom I love) decide what we do instead of us deciding what we will do so everyone will be comfortable. His mother is almost 92 and she keeps the heater on full-blast all the time. It is so hot in the house that I could die down there.

    Anyway, he's going back to read the e-mail and he will either call me or we'll talk about it tonight, I don't really care. I'm sorry that family relations, birth family, cause so much hassle. I love his family so much, but I don't want to live with them, and I hate it that I cannot do all the things that "EverReady Rabbit" family can do.

    About the lady whose husband wants to sell the house they built...that is about the saddest thing I've heard in a long time. And, going to a game when your son is terribly ill is another sad thing. I'm glad he at least recognized that his priority was a little off that time.

    So with soggy hair (long, and it's raining outside), I sign off for now. Thank you all, dear friends. And Nancy, I'll take that cup of coffee...virtually! (-:

  8. fivesue

    fivesue New Member

    He's going to be home in about 45 minutes and we are going to have a discussion. I'm just about sick thinking of the trip. The drive alone will be awful, but then the sleeping arrangements are just so not good! I'll be a wreck.

    Forgot to mention that we will be staying in the room my husband's son is living in now (he's helping take care of Grandma). When I went to look for the cat last time we were there, he hadn't cleaned the bathroom in months, the bed had a sleeping bag on it, and the place smelled like a boy's room. Now I raised two boys to adulthood and I know that I don't like the smell.

    We'll see what's what. He's not hearing me, but he did read my e-mail so he has now at least been given it in written form and if that's not enough, I can reiterate it verbally when he comes home. If we could just not stay at the house...I could take the drive, maybe, as long as I had a quiet place to recoup.

    Anyway, thanks for the note.

  9. Mareeok

    Mareeok New Member

    I'm sorry you are so stressed about the family visit. I hope that your DH has thought about your email and is willing to meet you half way so you can also have a good time with the relatives (besides the funeral, of course).

    Just the thought of 11 hours one way would wilt me and cause a bad flare. Forget about also having to be social and friendly. Yikes, what we go through to appease friends and family. Give yourself a gold star for trying.

    You are in my prayers for a good compromise.
    I'm sending you good energy vibes and hugs,
  10. Muddieanne

    Muddieanne New Member

    but I don't know why you have to put yourself through this.Just stay at home. The world won't end if you don't go. He can't put a gun to your head and make you go,can he?

    Re-think your relationship with your husband.He wants to put YOU through a painful ordeal so his family will be pleased?

    Time to have courage and stick up for yourself or this uncaring attitude of his will continue. We women are always afraid that someone will be mad at us. SO WHAT! Do what is good for you


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