Any advice appreciated. Thank you so much

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by broncosgal, Sep 13, 2008.

  1. broncosgal

    broncosgal New Member

    Please help. I have been married for 13 years. We have 2 girls ages 7 & 8. I consider myself a good looking woman. This is the issue: My husband took a job overseas in the UAE. He travels home every 4-8 weeks to spend 2 weeks with us. When he arrives his attention goes immediately to the girls, which I am glad for, but at the same time, I've missed having a husband all that time. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia about 2 years ago, but have been living with the symptoms for 7 years now. My husband is a physical therapist and will only touch me to work on me if I ask -- so if I don't he rarely offers even knowing how much pain I am in. He just tells me to get out and exercise. Ok, back to when he gets home. He never initiates sex -- I have to be the one. If I don't ask, he doesn't offer -- it has been two weeks now and he is on his way back to the UAE and has still not touched me. I feel very sad and displaced. I feel extremely unloved. When I ask about an affair he gets angry and says he would never do that to the girls, or me. He is hard to have a conversation with if he has a diference of opinion with me -- he can get very biting and mean in his responses. He tells me when he is home to go rest, as I have very little when he is gone, but sooner or later throws it in my face that all I do is lay down. I try so hard to be active and do everything I can while he is home because I am affraid of upsetting him. I am just at a loss and very unhappy. I don't know what to do. There is no emotional or physical intimacy between us and I find myself begging for our time together. I only have 2 weeks with him, and I wish he wanted to be with me, spend time with me, as much as I do. Please forgive any typos or rambling -- but I have to write this without him seeing it. Please give me some advice and help me understand what is going through his mind. Oh, and so you know, we all did move over seas with him for approx. 7 months, but the government did not allow the medication I needed so my husband decided moving us girls back home was in everyone's best interest. I feel like a failure and let him down. I tried so hard to live with my pain, but it was dibilitating. Please, Please any advice is welcome. Thank you so much.
  2. vannafeelbettr

    vannafeelbettr New Member

    He may be avoiding you because he is afraid if he touches you, it will hurt you. Even so, he sounds angry. Maybe not directly at you, but at this "invisible" disease that has taken his old wife away from him. FM is nasty, and effects all family members. Men are not good with dealing with issues like women are, and it sounds like he has a lot eating him up inside and an avoidance of you may be his way of avoiding 'the problem' altogether. It may be totally subconsious on his part, and poor you has to be the victim AGAIN. My best advice to you is to try and play 'devil's advocate'. Put yourself in his shoes, see things from his point of view. Hopefully and answer will come to you or he gets the courage to address this important issue to smooth this out between you BOTH.

    Good Luck!!!
  3. kbak

    kbak Member

    I'm so sorry that your going through a tough time! This is not uncommon to people with Fibro. It does put a strain on relationships. I wish I had an answer for you.

    I've noticed that most men (not all, there are wonderful one's out there) don't do well with sick wives. Especially when it's Fibro, CFS. There's still to much disinfo out there that this isn't a real disease.

    I think that they look at us as pathetic and looking for attention. My DH and I have had our good times and bad times with this. His friends just think I'm a mental case. Your situation is even worse with your DH working away from you. Would your DH be open to marriage counseling?

    I do wish you better day's,
  4. vannafeelbettr

    vannafeelbettr New Member

    If you do get to talk to your husband, try not to attack him. Tell him, you understand he's been through a lot and all of this has not been easy for him as well. He may feel like a true jerk for having negative thoughts on the situation, but he is only human. Provide an environment where he will feel safe enough to open up to you. And you have to be willing to WANT to hear what he has to say, even if it is not pleasant.

    Bless you!!
  5. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi there-
    I wish it were possible to really know what was going on with your husband but without knowing him, I don't think that's possible.
    What's he's dealing with or what is going on with your relationship may or may not have anything to do with your illness.
    Communication is the key. You HAVE to communicate with each other or unforunately your relationship has little chance of succeeding. Would he consider counseling?
    I would sit down with him, tell him exactly how you feel in a very calm way and see if you can get him to open up about how he feels.

    Distance does not always make the heart grow fonder, so it may be even tougher for you two to have a strong relatioship - it takes work, effort on both parts, but as I said (and I know from experience)communicating is critical to your survival. Without it, you are left wondering what he is feeling (sometimes way off base), feelings are hurt, resentment builds.
    Please try to have a conversation with him. If you can't - that says a lot. Tell him your relationship depends on it.

    Feeling unloved by our partner is a terrible feeling. I hope that through some communication you can get some of those feelings resolved and you may find it's something simple that he's feeling.

    Sad to hear you're hurting so....
    please stay in touch with us here.

  6. Juloo

    Juloo Member

    I'm afraid I don't have much advice for you, but want you to know that I feel for your situation. My father's job took him away from home for long periods of time (even to the UAE), and he was only home for short periods of relief between. I observed (even without the added stress of FM) that the shift of the structure in the household was very difficult for my parents during these visits. After all, my mother was the head-of-household for the vast majority of time, then he would show up, and their roles had to be adjusted.

    It was very hard on both of them -- I believe that my mother felt abandoned, and my father felt unappreciated. Just thinking aloud here, but perhaps when he is away, the two of you can gradually negotiate a plan for his two weeks home -- the first week back perhaps you could spend as a family (with you taking the first day or two to continue as head-of-household and give him an opportunity to re-adjust to family life, then him taking the initiative to be the point man again and give you a chance for heavy-duty rest for a couple of days), then you and your husband could take a weekend alone, then the last few days as a family again, preparing for another separation.

    I've not doubt that both of you are feeling a lot of stress over this, and perhaps it would be best to negotiate your expectations at a time away from the actual homecoming. Perhaps it would feel less threatening to your husband, and you would both know what to expect.
    [This Message was Edited on 09/13/2008]