Any advise on 'dating' while having CFS and FM?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by AnjieCFSFM, Sep 3, 2006.

  1. AnjieCFSFM

    AnjieCFSFM New Member

    Open for ideas and testimonies :)
  2. mamagood

    mamagood New Member

    Anjie,

    I got separated and subsequently divorced and I have FM amoung other illness, hypothryoidism, OA, GAD and I started out by joining a singles group. I took my daughter with me since, it was crucial that her and my son were involved in my decision to start dating. I was honest with anyone that would date me. I am now in love with my soul mate and we live together. I usually printed off things from the prohealth website and gave them to my dates to read if I felt that it could become a meaningful relationship. They were very receptive to these printouts as I didn't have to explain about it they could read it and they were able to go on the internet to the website to get more information.

    Just be honest from the beginning as far as your illness. Don't overwhelm them with too much info until you feel they can handle it as this could scare them off. If they express an interest in learning more about your illness because they care about you that'll be the right time.

    Good luck and love is a many spledid thing.

    Moe
  3. BHopeful

    BHopeful New Member

    I'm a gay male in Chicago and I wish I can find another gay man with FMS and psychiatirc problems. It would make it so much easier.

    Anyone know anyone?

    Dare to dream....

    Ben
  4. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    How come I haven't seen any posts from you before? I am gay too. My partner of 25 years and I live in Los Angeles. We met at a gay bridge club before I was sick.

    W/ my low energy level now, I couldn't possible date. Wouldn't even want to.

    I wish you lots of luck.
  5. BHopeful

    BHopeful New Member

    I usually don't post when I feel well (which I know is wrong). I wish you lived in Chicago. I could really use some local support.

    I just moved from NYC and regretting it big time. My life wasn't perfect, but this past Spring I was having some of the most functional months I've had in a long time. This led me to furthuring my career and taking an opportunity in Chicago. Well - the job sucks and it's caused all the health problems I thought was slowly but surely getting over to FLARE. I didn't realize how much my old job got me through bad times. I want to go back, but I want to do it feeling well which I don't think will happen.

    I'm sorry to ramble. bUt I'm just so scared about my life. These illnesses really suck and can ruin a lot.

    Your response made my day.

    Thanks Rockgor,
    Ben
    [This Message was Edited on 09/04/2006]
  6. AnjieCFSFM

    AnjieCFSFM New Member

  7. SweetT

    SweetT New Member

    The date I met you, you had plenty of energy.

    I don't see how you'd have any kind of problem :)

    Seriously, I think the key is to find someone who can be still. Not someone who always has to be on the go every moment, or someone who gets bored easily. Someone who appreciates watching movies and getting delivery when you are aching and tired. Someone who knows that if you go out, you cannot stay out for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time, before you have to get back home to rest. You need someone who can appreciate the small things, like grocery-shopping together,etc.
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    as to whether to tell off the bat...i have often thought maybe i should go to a fm support group in the area...maybe then you may connect w/someone.

    not judging about bringing the kids...but that is a bold one for me..mine is 16..he doesn't careless at this point...maybe except who or where i am going...

    and then i would phish on this person on whether they want children or not...i do not..i am done, can't have anymore..even if i could it would be a big fat no to me..

    and i don't really want a person w/a little baby on a day in and day out basis...

    i have not been dating for awhile...

    i hate it at my age...i look young for my age so i keep getting these 20 somethings coming up to me...or some dirty old men...but maybe anna nicole smith had the right idea...f
    for dating older men.lol

    i heard going to expensive hotels are the best place to meet a nice man. i think it would be my guess more a business travelor...

    i live near san francisco...i have read meeting men in san jose california is a good idea...but the whole bar scene i just look at it as a fun time for my friends and i to go at times...i don't drink very much...but i do not want another alcoholic in my life....and i am totally against illicit drugs...

    they have something called table for six out here...group of people meet for dinner or some outings...that have somewhat common ideas of dating expectations...

    but you can't bring the kids...

    and another thing i have heard...and anne cromwell would be a good confirmer on this...but i have been told to really not let the children meet your dates until you really know it is going somewhere...like after i think it was 6 months maybe 3 at the earliiest...

    because i was watching this show about children of divorced parents...and they said they wished they didn't meet these dates because it messed them up because all they wanted was there mom or dad happy...then the dating would end or they started to get attached to that person....then mom or dad was all sad or depressed again...and these kids are trying to fix our adult problems...

    so this is why my son hasn't met some i have dated or most of them....i had one serious relationship other than my son's father exhb...

    but now he is older and he is dating himself...so i think he could possible deal a little better than a younger child...

    this is just food for thought now judgement on you....

    ask anne c. what her opinion is on that topic...

    my verdict is still out on telling people right off i have fibro....i guess afraid they will runaway...but then again...if they can't deal then they should go..

    i need to get ready for school right now...

    jodie
  9. Marta608

    Marta608 Member

    I really think a lot of it has to do with the degree of illness that we have. It would take a rare man to be relatively healthy and still be happy with my energy level no matter how much fun I can be between 7 a.m. and noon, then 2 p.m. to seven at night. I also don't know how much help I could be to an unhealthy man.

    The best way to meet people is to join something that relates to your interests and my interest lately is getting the grocery shopping done AND be able to put them away in the same day. Living alone means doing everything that needs doing and that takes all of my available energy!

    Not that there aren't good people out there but we have to be able to find one another. I still wish there was a website for CFS/FM singles of all ages.

    Marta
  10. valleyann

    valleyann New Member

    I personally wouldn't tell someone right off the bat that I have FM...I feel you have to let someone get to know the "real" you before you start listing all of your problems. Then once they fall in love with you (the "real" you) nothing else will matter. And if it does then they aren't worth your time anyways.

    I agree that you should try to meet someone doing things that you already enjoy...that way you'll have something to talk about initially.

    I have tried the internet and that was definitly a good way to meet people. I have also met people through friends and through work.

    I know that with this disease it makes everything harder...including dating. But you have to keep your head up and love yourself...the perfect man/woman will come to you when you are ready.

    Val
  11. mezombie

    mezombie Member

    Right now, I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship. My self-esteem has taken a beating lately, and I'm also sicker than usual. But I suspect I'll revive, so I'm interested in this thread.

    It's not difficult for me to meet men when I'm up for it. The problem, of course, is the DD. I try not to bring it up until the third date or so, and then just lightly, without all the gory details. Everyone tells me I look great, and definitely younger than I am, so nobody I meet would guess I'm sick.

    But the stumbling block I have a problem with is the question, "What do you do?" and/or "Where do you work"? I've tried all sorts of answers, with varying degrees of success. The truth is, I've been disabled with CFS since 1991.

    I do have a profession, so I can answer the first question. I've tried saying I "work" at home (I do consider taking care of myself a full-time job!), but that really provokes curiosity. Then I'm bombarded with detailed questions as to how I do it. Apparently, a lot of people would love to work at home! And so I'm caught in my white lie...

    Any suggestions on how to get around questions like this?

    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2006]
  12. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    Just wanted to say that I'm hoping you're feeling better!
    Saw your response to Ben on this Post and thought it kind
    and reasuring!

    Thought you might be interested to know that since Anne
    dumped me for the "Troll" I've had to cross another
    bridge. If you noticed one of my most recent
    Posts, I'm putting the "hit" on Fredricka now. She was
    the beautiful model a few years back that graced "Vict-
    oria's Secret catalogue!

    I think I may be able to generate her interest. Hope you
    don't think I'm a womanizer though?? I'm gonna' give her
    a long list of references. Wonder if Anne would write me
    one?

    Great to see you "on Board",
    MRDAD









    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2006]
    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2006]
  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i remember her beautiful bod and all...

    hey a friend of mine has a new friend, that lives in tiburon that used to runway model w/tyra banks and all the top ones....she is 38 years old...she is divorced and has a seven year old daughter maybe i could send you her portfolio to view....

    she is about 6'2" tall and blonde...i know her first name...she now sells champange from france...

    so she has a job and could help you and she is well set...

    i will be visiting my friend this weekend maybe i can get her interested in you.

    i will leave out any womanizing...i believe we all can change if we want to..

    now i am in the cougar club...i need a younger one to live long enough to take care of me...plus i am good on the eyes...so he has to be good on my eyes too..lol

    jodie
  14. mrdad

    mrdad New Member

    Did she really marry Harry C. ?? Never hear about that
    but I'm glad you told me! Don't want her "two timing"
    me. She has her nerve!

    Now the other model you know in Marin Co. When you say
    she is "well set" are you referring to $$$$ or something
    else? So she has visible means of "support"?

    Jodie--ya wanta find some rich old guy with one foot in
    the grave and the other on a bananna peel! That's security.

    Thanks for the fun!
    MRDAD
    [This Message was Edited on 09/05/2006]
  15. Jeanne-in-Canada

    Jeanne-in-Canada New Member


    If the chemistry is good, it tends to override the rest. its been my experience time and again. I've met surprisingly few men tht turned tail, it was more often a matter of it just not working out or fizzling out. but I've always had a line of would be suitors who knew the score, but dind't care.

    When I did date (engaged now), I found a balance of letting them know me a few dates and then telling them if it went well, but way before it got serious. It doesn't seem fair to let a person get really attached and not tell them something so important. I really think the FM part is the easier part. Being so chemically sensitive it the hard one for me. So I have to tell them right away that I'm very allergic to perfumes, so no aftershave/cologne or the date would get cut real short. And if they are real attached to cologne and airfresheners we could never be a match. Some cologne wearers will give it up for the right one.

    Having said all that, my fiance knew everything before we had our first date. We met, emailed, then e-chatted on a e-dating service, phoned eventually. On my end, he was just friendship material, on his end, he was smitten and endearingly persistent. That's why I told all before we met, my attempt to beat him off w/ a stick. didn't work. Tell him I have FM, "so what my mom has Lupus", tell him super MCS, "my brother used to have lots of sensitivities, aunt does too". Even told him I was on disability, didn't matter either.

    He loves having a stay at home wife. For him, its waaaayyy better than extra income. Even after 3 seasons of SAD (oh joy, got that too), 2 living together, he still says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. "How did I get so lucky", his words again.

    They're out there.


    jeanne
  16. mezombie

    mezombie Member

    I'm still am hoping some people will respond to my question, explained in a previous post on this thread.

    Thanks!

    MeZombie (and does that name ever fit today!)
  17. Scapper

    Scapper New Member

    MeZombie -- I'm anxious to hear if anyone has an answer to your question as well. I've always hated that one.

    For me when I had FM without CFIDS, I could date, work, etc. I'm not sure how to do this with CFIDS. I know there are varying degrees, I'm housebound the majority of the time so even meeting people feels out of reach.

    I'm clueless on how to date like this.....it feels like forever since I have.

    When I was able to get out more, I was always up front and honest right from the start. I guess b/c of not working, I felt like I had to let people know why. Plus the fact that I get up so late, people seem to find it strange, which I guess it is.....most people can get up before 2:00pm :)

    I'm also interested in others who are disabled and how they deal with questions without sounding "too scary".

    scapper
  18. Scapper

    Scapper New Member

  19. grandmasheri

    grandmasheri New Member

    I had just started dating Mike when I was diagnosed. A few months maybe. I went through the whole "on-line" dating thing. Lots of interesting stories there LOL Anyway, Mike stuck it out. All the testing and Being to tired to move. The *%(^ of getting SSI. We will be together 4 years Sept. 27. So there is HOPE! Hang in there and God Bless
    Sheri
  20. AnjieCFSFM

    AnjieCFSFM New Member

    You're a precious lady. Thank you for the testimony! :)