Any one want to talk about sex?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by taniazcatz, Apr 18, 2006.

  1. taniazcatz

    taniazcatz New Member

    Okay, I need advice, opinions, or just plain feedback on this subject. Am I the only one who , during flare ups mostly, just doesn't want to even entertain the idea of having sex? Here's my story in as few words as possible.. I'm 34, I have had FMS and lupus for 6 years now. I have been married 9 years and have an 11 month old son. My husband has been very supportive since I was diagnosed and I know how lucky I am to have him, but here lately, he's brought up the subject of our diminishing sex life. Like a lot of people I've been experiencing some very bad flares this year and our sex life has been the most affected. After trying to take care of the house, the baby who is teething and has a bit of a bug that's been going around,and yeah, also trying to take care of me, the energy just isn't there and the only thing I want to do when I go to bed, IS SLEEP!!

    Isn't that terrible? I feel bad about all of this, but I just really want to know if this is just something that is wrong with me or if any of you have gone through this. I know it's a very personal subject but I guess I'm hoping that I'm not the only with this problem.

    Thank you for listening...

    Tanya
  2. jakeg

    jakeg New Member

    Have you considered first thing in the morning? I know how you feel for the evening hrs. So we have moved it to the morning when the fatigue is at it's lowest.

    Once in a while the evening works also depends on how my day was.

    Jake
  3. Jen102

    Jen102 New Member

    don't blame it all on the illness. what i mean is that most women with 11 month old teething babies are in the same situation.

    when your husband brings the subject up, tell him this and let him know what responsibilities he can help with so that you feel more relaxed and less fatigued.

    sometimes we feel guilty for being sick, and so try to hold up more than our end of the stick on responsibilities.

    maybe if your husband took over some things, even just the "responsibility" of taking care of the baby during the night--whether he has to do anything or not--you will feel relieved and also more romantic towards your husband. just a thought. Jen102
  4. starmom

    starmom New Member

    At this point all I ever get is a backrub. My poor husband is great about responsibilities, not pushingme, etc... Lately though, I have been in such a flare he is afraid to make love. He knows that it will take a toll on me, andis afraid that he will "break" me.

    Susie
  5. kdeenak

    kdeenak New Member

    It tends to make me feel better most of the time. I enjoy it very much.

    When I am in a really bad flare though, my husband doesn't even come near me because he doesn't want to hurt me more, and that is the last thing on my mind then too. He just holds me or whatever he needs to do to make me feel better.

    Hugs,

    Deena
  6. mom4three

    mom4three New Member

    I never want it.. I mean NEVER.. My poor hubby. He has been so great. But there is no desire nothing nada gone poof..

    I could not even get in the mood if i tried..

    All the hormone levels are fine.

    Sometimes down there is even numb.

    Tracy
  7. Jane_Canuck

    Jane_Canuck New Member

    ya I never want it either, but once he starts hitting all the right spots omg look out the hormones take over. Do not over think sex to much just remember it wil help yo sleep better afterwards cause I get very tired after lol.

    besides what is 10 - 30 mins of your life once in a while. lol

    HAGD Brenda
  8. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    then some great sex then you' get some temporary energy...
    i always feel better after wards...well maybe that's why i feel like crap i haven't had any for 4 months...


    jodie
  9. caperkat

    caperkat New Member

    I agree that morning (late morning when fog goes away) is a better time. I'm way too tired late in the day. I still light a candle, put music on, & push the cats out of the room. I also do usually feel better afterward, so it can be beneficial, but now always. One thing I like to do is take a nice hot bath afterward, just to soak the tired muscles.

    kat
  10. Callum

    Callum New Member

    Just wanted to let you know that men who suffer from CFIDS have the same struggle. My better-half and I have to "schedule" it on a Saturday, for early afternoon, when we have no plans for Friday or Saturday night, and the week hasn't been stressful. And even then, it's penciled in, because I still never know how I'm going to feel. I'm fortunate that I have the best life-partner in the world who is understanding & supportive, and that we talk, talk, talk about it, so my lack of interest due to the DD cannot be misconstrued as a lack of interest in them.
  11. taniazcatz

    taniazcatz New Member

    I'm so happy to have these wonderful message boards, they are a big help. I value everyone's thoughts on this subject, after reading all of the posts so far, I no longer feel so alone. I know my life has changed in countless ways since I had our son. I have had the worst flares of pain and bouts of exhaustion in these 11 months after our son was born. My doc reassures me that after the 1st year my body will bounce back to what it was before I was pregnant. So maybe that will help, it's not that I really don't enjoy sex anymore, the best way I can explain it is this way, it's one of those things my brain says " well okay, lets do that" and then my body says " there is no way thats happening". Thank you all again for sharing with me about this very personal topic. I really appreciate all of the help I receive from you all. I haven't been here long, but you have welcomed right into this little family and I can't tell you how much that means. Thanks!!

    Tanya
  12. Hope4Sofia

    Hope4Sofia New Member

    When I was on Zoloft I completely lost my sex drive. I know a lot of meds have this side effect so that might be something to consider.

    I know when I weaned off of Zoloft my drive returned - it was wonderful!

    But, yes, during a flare my exhaustion gets me if my pain doesn't. My libido tends to be low. I made a rule for myself many years ago though. If hubby wants it I give it (unless I'm really bad off).

    It may take a while to get me going but I try not to overthink it as someone else said earlier. I just relax and allow him to woo me. Eventualy it works and I'm always glad.

    The other interfering factor is my sleep aid. That can really put a damper on things. I try to work around it but it's definitely an issue.

    Take comfort!

    Sofi
  13. Bambi

    Bambi New Member

    that said "You don't know what you've got till it's gone". So maybe it's time for a little older opinion or an opinion from an older woman. For one thing I have NEVER lost my desire for sex. But I live a sexless life.

    About ten years ago things got bad in that area of things, and my husband developed ED. He wouldn't face up to it and go to a doctor and it just got to where I just decided I didn't want to start something that wasn't going to be finished. I felt maybe it was me, that he was losing his interest in me or maybe even that he had someone else. But, it was actually a precursor to his Diabetes. Once that developed full force and we knew what it was it finally made sense to me.

    But never the less I had been a virtual virgin for eight years already by then. Some women hit their late 40's and 50's and just flat lose
    desire. They go through the change and things dry up and it's uncomfortable or they just don't want to any more. Well I went through menapause but nothing changed physically, except for the periods were gone.

    Any time I broached the subject he would get hostile and upset. I finally went to the doctor with him and asked about the pills for men now, I think it really shocked my husband that I asked. But I found out there is ONE pill out that is relatively safe for men with Diabetes and so possible heart or artery problems. And it's not the blue one.
    The doctor prescribed the blue one though and I wouldn't let him try them as I've heard of heart attacks etc and I wasn't in the mood to kill him to get what I needed.

    Since then it's become a non issue for us, not discussed unless I make some tiny joke about ED or something but I've paid for that with some really raunchy remarks back from him, so I've stopped it. It's been so long now and so many things have been said that really hurt my feelings, that I
    don't want it with him anyway. Of course I won't do it with anyone else
    either.

    I found out he'd been going online and talking in a gross chat room to some (in my opinion) wierd women. He said it was better than "if I met one somewhere". THAT provoked a mean remark from ME to him. Cheating is cheating in my book and lying even if it's by not telling something is lying. In my opinion he was doing both. Most of sex is in the mind anyway.

    SO that pretty much sealed the jar for me with it. He said at the time that I never wanted to talk about sex. That just wasn't true either, it was just that when I did I got shot
    down or some nasty remark made to me.
    I don't mean sexual nasty either. Just rude and mean.

    So long story short, if you have a husband who can and who wants to, don't let him slip by. The best man and the most devoted man can be tempted in the right situation with the right woman. Don't leave him with that temptation! I know noone thinks "their" husband would ever cheat, but they can and they do all too often. And men don't take it as seriously as we do so they can come home, smile and keep that to themselves if they choose to. Don't kid yourselves.

    I feel like I've lost ten of what could have been happier more content
    years. And I feel that it's now become such an issue of emotional pain in our relationship that it will NEVER come back no matter what. I hate that it's not a part of my life and I miss it every day. But I'm stubborn and so is he and neither one of us would ever allow ourselves to come out as the one who gave in and
    admitted we just plain needed it. Sad
    but true.

    So I just hope if you have a husband
    that is interested, can, will and wants to that you bite the bullet if you have to and go with the flow. It might make you feel better physically but even if it doesn't don't show it, say it or admit it. Let him feel like the ONE NON painful thing in your life and he'll try harder to be just
    that. JMHO.
  14. claudiaw

    claudiaw New Member

    I have no desire for it, it is too painful and not worth it too me.

    I need both muscle relaxers and pain med's after just to TRY to prevent a bad flare.

    I feel very guilty, but my husband is understanding, he doesn't like to see me hurt, but I'm sure it bother's him more than he let's on.

    it only bother's me in the sense I feel that I am letting him down,

    It also make's me feel I am setting him up to not stray, but be attratcded to other women more, if that makes sense. I can't think straight right now.

    Anyway, I feel a lot of guilt and insecurity. But that is nothing new for me.

    Best wishes,

    Claudia
  15. bunnyfluff

    bunnyfluff Member

    Been in a sexless marriage for about a year now, it seems. I never thought this would happen to me. We used to be so HOT! Just one more thing this DD stole from me!
  16. Jordane

    Jordane New Member

    SEX We have to have SEX, Whats that???? Is there a book???
    Jordane
  17. katdancer

    katdancer New Member

    TALK about sex?? I'd much rather be having sex than talking aobut it but seems as that this lovely illness is not to particular about what parts of your life it effects!
  18. brandysu

    brandysu New Member

    I just went to the doctor and found out i have endometriosis, now I'm not saying that you have that, but it made me not want to have sex, because, not only was I tired from taking care of my toddler, work, housekeeping, and taking care of other odd jobs, I was just plain and tired, and didn't want to do anything but chit chat, and roll over and go to sleep. So dont feel that your alone. I also think I have fm. So that's just an added burden-on hubby's sex life, lol!! Anyhow, my doctor recommended this product called 'Arginmax'. It's a hormone supplement of sorts, that enhances both a womens sex drive and a mans. I did some research on it, and other supplements, and it seems to be the most reseasonable one. The website is [web site address removed as per rules], if your interested. And dont give up, it took me almost two years to get out of this slump, bout drove hubby to the nearest corner lol!!!! just kidding. I know where your coming from, and it will be ok, I can promise you that, hang in there!

    brandysu-your loving monkey, or emu,.....who cares what it is!! i think it's a monkey lol
  19. kriket

    kriket New Member


    OH BOY, a touchy subject around my house. I'm 28, have no kids and also have NO sexrive. I'm not hardly ever in the mood. I have been this way for about the last 3-4 yrs.

    UUUGGGHHHH!!! It just seems like another thing to do. Just forget it. My fiance is sooooo patient, but brought it to my attention the other day about how little sex we are having. Crushed me, b/c like others, I wish I felt like it and was in the mood more, but I just flat have NO drive whatsoever.

    I feel so bad for him. It is not fair to him. Sex is not everything in a relationship, but does count quite a bit. Anybody would be lying if they say it don't bother their husbands.

    A real caring and patient man is gonna tell you they understand, but I don't really think they do. Drive and energy are both hard to come by here!!!

    Kriket
    [This Message was Edited on 04/18/2006]
  20. wen

    wen New Member

    I KNOW THIS IS A DELICATE ISSUIM NOT SURE IF IT IS FOR MEN. YOU WANT TO USE VIVA LOVE AND SEX IS NOT DEAD. ITS CALLED VIVA AND IT GOES ON A SPECIAL PLACE. YOU MUST BE FEELING SOMEWHAT IN THE MOOD OR NOT BUT YOU WILL BE. I THINK ITS ALL NATURAL FIND IT. WEN