Anyone else feel they have to avoid confrontations?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by IngaDinga, May 21, 2003.

  1. IngaDinga

    IngaDinga New Member


    I find that I always avoid emotional confrontations because I will become soooo symptomatic if I don't.
    I get shaky and my heart skips beats and make me lightheaded anytime I have any sort of confrontation. Is this normal for CFIDs or is it because I also have Dysautonomia?


    Any thoughts?

    [This Message was Edited on 05/21/2003]
  2. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    with our DD's cause this. I cannot have confrontations because not only will I get heart palpitations, but my blood pressure goes through the roof and I can't seem to calm down, even hours, or days later. The last time I got angry at someone I had to go to the ER and almost had a stroke. Every time I think about it,I get angry and symptomatic all over again. My new holistic doctor says it is all due to hormonal imbalance, and is putting me on progresterone drops made by a compounding pharmacy. If it works, I'll let everyone know.
    Klutzo
  3. AnnetClo

    AnnetClo New Member

    Unfortunately, it's always been all or nothing with me: total silence (and inward fuming) or a full out rant, with screaming, throwing, insults, the whole bit. And I hardly ever do that unless I feel like I'm coming to someone else's aid. I rarely stand up for myself.

    Hugs
    Annette
  4. goingslowlycrazy

    goingslowlycrazy New Member

    ...I can't even bear it when my kids (14 and 12)have a usual sister/brother argument. It makes me shake and my knees go wobbly.

    I'm even worried now cos I just did a follow-up post on my thread 'Does anyone famous have me/cfs?'. I wasn't sure about some of the suggestions and wrote that - now I'm panicking in case I may have upset someone who was kind enough to take the time to post, and I've contradicted them.

    I was always told, right from a child, 'You're too sensitive' and I may have been - but I also think that some people aren't sensitive enough - especially to us in our state.

    It takes a lot of energy fighting this dd, putting up with the pain, the feeling ill, the constant fights with docs, and in some cases, family.

    My partner, Phil (God bless him) summed it all up rather well last week when I had a huge (unavoidable) row with our 14 year old girl. He said that any kind of confrontation or argument gives an adrenaline rush - which burns energy like there is no tomorrow and depletes our already small reserves. He reckons that is why we end up feeling so awful in stressy situations.

    Sounds about right to me...and if I have upset anyone on that thread...I'm really, really sorry (backing into corner, shaking...) LOL

    hugs
    Mary x
  5. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    Yes but I have always been this way, even pre fibro/cfs.
  6. teranan

    teranan New Member

    I have FM and confrontations make me hurt instantly.Anything that involves stress we should avoid. I find myself walking away from arguments. Makes for a peaceful marriage. My wife is always right.-------Terry
  7. tansy

    tansy New Member

    I can feel amazingly calm on my better days and cope with any kind of confrontation towards me or around me remarkably well.

    Worse days, and that's most of the time at the moment, I just don't have the energy to waste on anything so negative.

    If I've overdone the cognitive bit I do become emotionally labile; so if I have not had the chance to rest enough to get rid of that I have to avoid confrontaion, I'll only end up in unhelpful tears or being oversensitive.

    Part of living with these DDs is recognising we might be less well equipped to cope with some forms of confrontation, however it is really important we don't allow others to walk over us.

    Cheers

    Tansy
  8. lmn

    lmn New Member

    When faced with a confrontation or any other stressful emotional situation I become nervous, my heart palpitates, and I get dizzy. For example, after an extremely raucous selectman's meeting the other night I had to leave the room because the yelling/fighting was too much for me to deal with. I still felt shaky the next morning. Although by nature, I'm a very nonconfrontational person, these types of episodes definitely make me feel physically sick since the FM.
    lmn
  9. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I do the same thing when I post...........my mom always says hey you have a right to your opinion as long as you are not putting other's down.........which I know is true but I feel just like you! Soemtimes I think that is from getting blasted on this board because my opinon differs from someone else. (which is really rediculous)
    I can't stand my co-worker's fighting. I am staying with friend's who fight all the time and it is making me feel worse. Wish I could learn to ignore it.
    If you were talking about what you posted about Michael J. not only are you correct but you didn't say it in a nasty manor :)
  10. LynneH

    LynneH New Member

    When you are on the receiving end of someone being confrontaional, take a deep breath and say, "I will talk about this when you and I can both be calm." Then walk away. If it's not possible to walk away...such as a job situation... I have said, "I'd like to talk about this as an adult, so please let's be mature and continue." That usually stops someone in their tracks.
    If I feel like I want to confrontational, I take a few deep breaths and count to ten. It's easier to say something in a kind way after you've paused and thought about it.
    LynneH
  11. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    Great advice !
    I try to do that but my heart still beats and I get shakey.
    Guess I will have to practice more :)

    But I always refuse to fight. That never gets me anywhere.
  12. LynneH

    LynneH New Member

    lol I think some of it may come with age. I refuse to be "talked down to" by anyone and I think that came after 40. lol I pick my battles and confrontational people aren't in my selection. :)
  13. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I think I may be out of luck, I am 45.
    Always was a late bloomer though !
    PS..........is that anything like a baby bloomer ?[This Message was Edited on 05/21/2003]
  14. MemoryLane

    MemoryLane Member

    Are you by chance Type A blood?

    Anyone else?

    I read there is a tendancy for A's (not personality type A's, but Blood Type A's) to be very cooperative but they tend to bottle up their anxieties in order to get along well with others. They also tend to be clever, sensitive, passionate and very smart. They are capable of taking a leading role, but choose not to, because it's too stressful on their systems. They thrive on calming experiences, like warm baths, yoga and soft neutral colors.

    This is part of that Eat for your Blood type school of thought, but it pretty well pegged me.

    Just "Food for thought" ~{:eek:)

    Lane
  15. KayL

    KayL New Member

    Are we twins?!? I was/am the exact same way!

    Some good ideas have been posted above, and I really don't avoid those type of confrontations nearly as much as I used to. In fact, I've gotten so outspoken, I have actually been known to instigate or provoke a few from time to time....usually with my ex! LOL

    Karen
    [This Message was Edited on 05/21/2003]
  16. Shirl

    Shirl New Member

    Will explain my personality like my husband calls it; 'Shirl does not have a short fuse, she has no fuse, she just blows!'.

    When I am really angry, thats when my heart races and my legs shake, but I am very dangerous then. Fists will fly or anything that I can lift to throw at the offending person!

    My temper has been the biggest challenge for me with this illness. I am a tiger as long as the confrontation is taking place (I don't feel anything at the time), but the next day I really pay for it in spades.
    Than I get angry with myself that I allowed anyone to draw me into a situation like that anymore.

    I have learned to stay away from people that do pull my chain, as it is almost impossible for me to keep my mouth shut if I am challenged.

    I sometimes wish I was like those nice people who never 'lose' it! But that is not me.

    I have learned a lot of self control in the last few years, it was for myself not for any other reason. The less I am stressed the better I feel.

    If I don't stand up for myself, I will also pay for that. It will stay in my mind untill I resolve it with whoever it concerns. I don't like unfinished disputes, or anything unfinished for that matter.

    I just got into one with my husband when we were out yesterday, he made a comment that made me angry. Well I tried not to respond and stayed silent for about 10 miles, but it was eating at me so bad, that I just let him have it before we got to the house (I do not like to argue with anyone that is driving!), but couldn't control it any longer.

    I learned not to allow anyone to upset me on the board, if necessary I will turn the computer off, then come back and reread what I thought was offensive, then I can usually answer without the malice, or simply don't respond at all.

    I suggest that all the members here learn this one, it saves everyone a lot of unnecessary stress, which, we don't need, and that is an understatement!

    We do have a lot of very gentle souls here, and I do despise anyone taking advantage of them. I admire their gentleness, even though I am not so gentle myself.

    I am still a 'work in progress' with my temper in 'real time'.



    Shalom, Shirl




    [This Message was Edited on 05/21/2003]
  17. Kathryn

    Kathryn New Member

    I am more confrontational now than I was before. I know that little things that I would have ignored, if I even noticed them at all, now really upset me. Possible I am more situationally aware than I used to be, but I think it is because I am more sensitive, especially to certain noises. Uncontrolled children are just about a guarantee that I will enter the fray. A few years ago I was at breakfast with a large group. A girl of about 6 was shrieking every few minutes, for absolutely no reason. Mother kept smirking at everyone in the restaurant as if to say "Isn't she cute?". I stood it as long as I could, then went over and read the brat the riot act. Her mother was horrified, especially when everyone else in the restaurant applauded as I stalked back to my seat. My typical comment to the parent of such a child is to smile sweetly and ask, "Why don't you let him/her visit the state capitol? You would be doing everyone a tremendous service. After you are there for 30 minutes, child abuse will be mandatory in this state". Hubby sees my angelic smile appear and immediately becomes very interested in reading graffiti or some such activity. Greatly offended mother will usually march off with child in tow. Problem solved. My next project is to drive 3/4 mile to the neighbor's and put about 9 rounds in his stereo speakers. Loud music is fine, but his is ridiculous! Yeah, I get upset more easily now.
    Kathryn
  18. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I either simply avoid them or if I do confront I lose my self-control. One of the worse ones I had was at work with my Boss and I had a full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, talk, or anything, it was terrible. It usually depends on who the confrontation is with. If it's with a Superior at work, I really had a problem with that. I would either start crying which really pissed me off at myself, or I would not stick up for myself and start breaking out in a cold sweat. Since then I have tried very hard to confront assertively, not aggressively. Sometimes, it's not easy to do.

    Dara
  19. Princessraye

    Princessraye New Member

    I am type o negative
  20. northlass

    northlass New Member

    hi i used to get very shakey also at upsets, stress is the worst for cfs, i have had it 16 years now, but as the years have gone on its made me a stronger person, and i dont let people get under my skin so much these days,thats been one good thing about this its toughned me up, but on low days have a good ally with you, i have been lucky i have a good hubby,but dont worry on bad days just let it out, cry weep or anything that helps you release any pain sweety, take care now, .........ps my hubbys motto is lol. dont let the kids send you up or the grown ups get you down. they are all able to fend for themselves xxx sampps ello mary me love eeeeeeeee xxxxx