Anyone Else Given Up?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by MsE, Nov 11, 2011.

  1. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Has anyone besides me just given up? Most of the time I've quit trying to exercise. I don't watch my diet as closely as I used to. I'm not keeping up with the work that needs doing around the house very well. Even phoning to make appointments is difficult. I read, watch TV, run absolutely necessary errands, wrote out bills, email and check Facebook to see if my kids or grandkids have posted new photos.

    Tried an anti-depressant, but that only made things worse. In fact, I've had nasty reactions to several different anti-depressants, and don't intend to try again. The truth is, I don't feel depressed. I'm just tired and weary of trying. When I absolutely have to go someplace, I manage; then I come home and crash.

    I don't think I'm going to live much longer, and I don't think I care. Yes, I know this sounds like a totally depressed person writing, but it is more as though I'm just finally giving in. Whatever will be will be and I'm through fighting it. Can anyone else relate to what I'm trying to explain?
  2. MsE

    MsE New Member

    It always helps to know someone else understands.

    Since getting breast cancer, the docs have been adamant about my getting daily exercise. Yeah. Sure. I tried to explain this to my surgeon, but she just said her brother has CFS and he exercises, so I could if I tried. Exercise is one of the things that helps keep cancer away, so I know I should, but....

    As for your reaction to the meds--the heart beating fast and irregularly, etc.--that's scary. I've had that happen, so you have my sympathy 'cause I totally get it.

    Maybe by tomorrow we'll both feel better. Let's hope, huh?
  3. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    I can totally identify, mines been made worse, i mean my state of mind around having fibro, by over the last few years not only losing my health as I knew it, think thats a struggle we all fight on a daily basis sometimes better than others, my friends (because they were mainly sports related) my family (because they have no idea of what its like to have this, i believe if they did they wouldn't cope like i have for the last 7 years with this pain, and they think i'm just lazy, and unreasonable when i get fed up with their stinking attitude. Finally ive lost my home, because a drug addict was knowingly housed by my landlord got raided and blamed me for the raid because i'd reported electrical wiring faults as my electric had been bypassed, but of course my landlord knew about the asshole, and thats why they think i reported him to the police despite the fact he has lived below me for over a year. i'm having trouble getting rehoused (because this man appears to have more rights as a criminal than a victim (myself)of his life threatening threats). which leaves me living with the persons i cannot stand my parents, and so not only feel a prisoner to my illness but to my circumstances.

    Now i'll tell you this from my experience, i think fibro sufferers need support from others, your very lucky if you have that, you also need to revise your life and have outside interests, even if its just walking the dog to he park to look at a bit of green rather than the inside of four walls, dont expect help to come from those that are needy they are gonna suck you dry and your've got nothing to give at this point.

    Sometimes we need to surrender for a while, thats what i am counting on. as a fibro sufferer ive fought everything to not let this thing beat me, and sometimes maybe i need to just do less, recope, not think of my future, live in the day, listen to some music, listen to he instinct in me that i was born with and have lost because of how society is, thats what im trying to do at the moment, im here in the same pj's ive had on for 3 days, i sleep alot, i read (at the moment 'women that run with the wolves', its a bit mystical, as im very logical but im sticking with it anyway to stop my mind concerntrating on a negative spiral. thats it, dont know what will come of it, see i dont know if im depressed, i dont feel depressed, i do get bouts of it, but im just dissilussioned with life as it is. im just waiting to see if it runs its course instead of jumping into something else, besides i dont have the energy to do that. Maybe i'll take a stroll to he park tomorrow and just watch the trees,walk the dog (his very small) thats my place of retreat, thats were my brain switches off and i can relax,
    anyway, your not alone, keep in touch, all the best x
    [This Message was Edited on 11/11/2011]
  4. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Surrendering for a while does help. My sister, who has MS, remind me to quit fighting it because that just makes it worse. So I've quit. However, I think I've gone to the other extreme because if I had a dog I wouldn't want to bother walking him to the park. :) You're right, though. I should get out and walk as my cancer surgeon told me. And, I do have outside interests: a writing group and a large family who are, for the most part, supportive. But, I live alone and right now I don't want to do anything. Maybe this "blah" won't last.

    I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with your housing. That really adds to the stress of having this cruddy disease. I wish you well in dealing with that problem.

    By the way, I enjoyed "Women Who Run With the Wolves" very much. I'm into "mystical." :)
  5. Leeza60

    Leeza60 New Member

    I am so thankful that I have found this message board. I have lived with fibromyalgia for twenty years. In the beginning my husband and family were helpful and tried to help me around the house. Now, they have become tired of my condition and help less. But, even though I am tired of this disease too, I can't just walk away from it. I have been in a flareup for a week now and it is raining here tonight. That makes my pain so much worse. But I find the worst part is not being able to sleep. I am sooo tired right now, but I can't sleep.
    I intend to get my husband to sit down in front of this computer tomorrow and read some of your posts. Maybe he will understand why I am getting worse instead of better. I think he thought all the meds and the dr. appts. would get me well one day. Thanks to all and glad to be a part of this "family".
  6. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    Hi gang,

    Still sitting in my pj's, think i may as well go for the world record! (is there one?). Life's feels static, not going forward. Current circumstances not changed. Got pain management app for a 4 week stay on pain management course, to be honest i dont have the energy to get in the bath let alone jump up every morning and EXERCISE. thing is like you have all expressed, having had fibro for such a long time its not as if we've not been there, done that, got the t-shirt! Finished reading 'women that run with the wolves' yeah thought it was good, don't think i would have understood it as well if i hadn't known the underlying psychology, (i'm more like the woman that watches wolves on the tv at the moment).

    Still didn't lift my fibro though, darn when someone gonna write a book that does that, and believe me i've read ALOT! anyway, do actually feel depressed today, but mine can be like that, comes and goes, so i know my state of mind is more to do with clinically being fed up with having fibro! a formidable opponent dont you think? Pain feels like all my muscles are ulcerated, you know the incredibly sore pain, amidst the other types like ie all your nerves have been yanked out your spine, the one that feels like electricity is running through your body, or the aching one thats like having the flu, the pain don't help with the sleep issue, neither does the sensitivity to sound, only thing that helps me sleep is diazepam and earplugs (but even the foam ones can make my ears hurt) have to watch the addictiveness of valium though keep it too 5mg, but best some sleep than none, like having a choice of being a vampire (awake all night) or a zombie (energy running on empty).

    Had a break though with family (i think) my uncle (my father's brother) telephoned and said he has a friend that has just been diagnosed with fibro, like me she was into horses, now she isn't physically capable of it, so i know its horrid, but my father appears to believe in it more now that its been acknowledged by my uncle! terrible isnt it that your father is more likely to believe his brother than is daughter, who is only classed as lazy and not sick.

    Well gonna have to get out these pj's and out the house, maybe best to have a bath first as my armpits are humming more than the local church choir! usually this tiredness lifts, that said i have been unwell that takes it out of you a bit, well just bought myself a book off bidding site, book aptly called 'My shi* life so far' by comedian frankie boyle (english comedian). Gonna eat a banana, apparently they contain serotonin dont they? maybe i should eat several of them! Anyway nice to hear from everyone, people don't seem to go in the chat rooms here anymore.

    take care everyone, stay in touch, all the best!
    [This Message was Edited on 11/16/2011]
  7. MsE

    MsE New Member

    My fingers are crossed! Yesterday I was able to take a walk. Hooray! Not a long one, granted, but a walk. That was sort of "it" for the day, but at least I did it. AND, later this morning I'm going to my writers' group. We usually take something new we've written to read to the group, and I don't have a thing to read--unless I read the posts I've written for this site, and somehow I don't think that would make the cut. But, I'm going!

    Does this mean the latest exacerbation is finally coming to an end and I'm going to have part of my life back? This morning I don't feel in such a hurry to give up. I wish all of you a good day and thank all of you for writing.

  8. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    haha, Very good, i'm sure our posts would 'make the cut.' Im still in me pj's different ones though had a bath today. My minds still in conflict with this condition after 'suffering' it so long, and boy do we suffer, wake up negative every day at moment, anything i may have gained in positive thought or reading by the evening before, seems erased by the following morning, never felt this conquered before. Feel like i need to employ someone to lift my arms for me they ache so much, (maybe i should put an advert in the paper). got that really sore pain still as well that i hate, although the electric nerve yanked out of your spine pains the worst because that tends to give you anxiety too. Glad to hear your a fellow bookworm. always read before i go to bed, on last chapter of women that run with the wolves, have read it many times before but i identify with it more with each time i pick it up and read it, i think yeah im gonna take on some of these ideas, i journal everyday to rid my self of pent up rage, not that it helps living with my parents, but really dont have much choice with that at mo, its either parents or drug dealing life threatening neighbour? hmm.

    Trying to remember that their problems they have with me, are exactly that 'their problem' they are the type of people that have mystical thinking we're they project their issues onto you, you know do your thinking/intentions for you.

    i did use to have a pilates routine i did every other day, and i walked regularly, but this year has been the most difficult, where i think ahh, i just give up nothing works and i feel like i'm just suffering all the time and like you said, i've had enough, so yes still battling, i just hope something gives, like with you, but so nice to talk to people who have had fibro long term who feel the same as i. And nice to hear a little bit about you all as well.
  9. MsE

    MsE New Member

    I spoke too soon--as usual. Yesterday was a "good" day; today is a "fair" day. Doubt that I'll be taking any walks. If all goes well, I may vacuum the house. Whoopee!

    Luigi21, I haven't been diagnosed with Fibro; my doc diagnosed me with CFS back in 1997. Of course, the two are first cousins, so....(That's Fibro and CFS, not my doc and CFS :) I don't have extreme pain; constant pain, yes--and exhaustion. Like I was plugged into the socket and someone pulled the cord. Today the cord is out and I'm running on yesterday's voltage.

    I just want to cuddle under a quilt and read and forget the world. But I can't. Just learned my sister, who has MS, is in the hospital for sepsis in her legs. That's something she's been battling over a year. That, and diabetes along with the multiple sclerosis. That woman makes me look downright healthy! I admire her spirit and don't know how she has managed all these years. Talk about a pulled plug!!!!

    I guess my point to all this babbling is that I can always find someone much worse off than I am, so I don't know why I let myself get to that "don't-give-a-big-one" mood. Maybe it was the recent death of brother, who was eleven years younger than I. Maybe it is knowing my dear sister-in-law is in a life and death struggle with cancer. Then, I turn those things over in my mind and think, "Self, what are you complaining about?"

    But, periodically it gets too much for me anyway--even with all the strong people I know who are suffering much more and fighting on. Perhaps we all have to sneak into our emotional caves now and then just to rest. I think that's where I've been, and I'm just now peeking out the entrance to see if I want to rejoin the world in my own, limited way. Am I making any sense? It's not easy to explain this stuff, is it?

  10. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    Everyone has times in life when it's so hard dealing with death and illness with our loved ones. It is even more difficult for us because we grieve and worry just like everyone else but we also have to deal with our own challenges. Sometimes, it just seems like too much, too overwhelming.

    Our illnesses have their ups and downs and the downs can be quite depressing. I've probably been sick all my life but for the last 21 years, and especially the last 11, I've been too sick to live what I would call a normal life. All these ups and downs have shown me that when I'm up, I can enjoy life; when I'm down, I just regroup and rest so I can get to the next "up" period. It always comes no matter how horrible I feel at the moment. When it's horrible, I just pray and am thankful that I have a warm, soft bed in which to recoup. I watch TV if that's all I'm capable of. I have found that distracting myself with TV, DVD's, my computer and reading help me if I'm in pain.

    People in good health take for granted what we live for. They have no idea of all the coping mechanisms we have to employ just to get through the down times. Still, being creative and learning how to cope can make all the difference.

    Good luck to you. I pray for us all every day because I know what we face and how it affects our lives. We are all heros and heroines every day we live with our illnesses. Feel proud of that. No matter how bad you feel, no one can take away from you the courage with which you have to cope.

    Love, Mikie
  11. Elisa

    Elisa Member


    Mikie that was so beautiful - really touched me today...such insight and wisdom - thank you for sharing that - it helps.

    It has been nearly impossible for me to survive lately - so I understand. The difficulties of this illness are beyond others understanding.

    I think praying or meditating is good. I think handing it over to God is very good - for me it is often the only thing I can do.

    I believe in there being a purpose for even the most awful suffering - so I pray - to survive and to find ways to count my blessings and to hope for a better day.

    So know that i am praying for all of you everyday and many times often. Many of us are. I am trying to build my faith...that we WILL get better some day.

    If you want to join a ME CFS prayer group from your home - I have a facebook page called "Daily Worldwide Prayer for ME/CFS/FM" - we pray everynight at 9:00 PM EST or whatever equivalent time zone you are in.

    When my physicians were unwilling or unable to help me I turned to Him - the greatest physician.

    Anyway- I wish everyone here the best and you are always on my mind - my friends...

    God Bless,


  12. MsE

    MsE New Member

    What lovely posts! Heart-warming!
  13. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    Yeah, i identify with the quilt thing, i call it 'duvet diving' and if it was an olympic sport at the moment i'd win gold. sometimes i dont want to peek out of it, its warm for one which helps with pain, two its exclusively mine, and three i often perfer sleeping and dreaming in comparison to waking up to pain, and no energy.

    I know what you mean about the comparison thing, but i try not to do it too myself anymore, really when im in pain each day, or as you know with CFS when your life feels like its being taken from you thinking about ten million starving people in the world, or people with cancer dont help, because my thinking and mood is at a point where i dont care about myself too have the thought that well in comparison i have all my limbs or whatever. I know the world isn't fair, i dont expect it to be, that was the first illusion to disappear when i got fibro that life wasnt fair, because its not until something alters your life so drastically that you look around you and think well life aint fair for them either, so life not being fair was one of my first hurdles, because i think everyone gets the Why me, and then i got the why not me, i mean as beautiful as the world can ber, its also extremely cruel, and thats nature, thats life, but that dont help me in motivation just acceptance, like you said, i think we all may well spend time running up and down the ladder of anger at having these life altering conditions, denial, bargaining (ie trying to find a cure), depression, and acceptance and not always in that order, and i dont stay in acceptance either, and i dont think anyone does, otherwise we wouldnt probably on this health board, or googling what the latest research is, i think its par for the course, but it can be exhausting.

    Anyway, ive taken my little dog over the park for last two days, his a chorkie, so tiny, and his old and has arthritis so its pigeon steps that suits me fine. but just being out in nature does something to me, i suppose everyone has their thing. animals and nature are mine. And i have lost more this year than i could possibly fathom, the drug dealer is still living in the flat below me, popped round there with my mother today to pick up stuff, feel pi**ed off at being in this position, yeah so cr*p health, family disruption (which i working on based on remember that whatever problem they have its just that, their problem so theirs to sort out), homeless, its nearing xmas a time that makes me feel lonely, but cant go there, have no idea where i'll be at xmas. Reading ceasar milan books at moment, ive got my permanent collection which i sieve though when im waiting to go to library, john bradshaw stuff pretty good but intense, but looking for a dvd on amazon at moment on breathing techniques to help with oxygen intake, since fibro shows lack of oxygen in some areas of the brain, i don't know just an idea, along with meditation, (meditation for beginngers is good it comes with a CD) having ideas is always a good sign with me, that said just like you said i could wake up tommorow and think 'two fingers to the world im staying under this duvet' because not just my health but my outside life is so unpredictable at the moment, having to live under my parents roof is a nightmare at 37, so im taking it a day at a time, because like i said at the moment, this has been the longest amount of time where i have been in a state of mind of feeling completely conquered. so sitting here watching 'im a celebrity get me out of here' (im in england) which is a laugh.( not living in england being a laugh, i mean the tv programme im a celeb, living in england is cold) wink! stay in touch xx
    [This Message was Edited on 11/19/2011]
  14. MsE

    MsE New Member

    "Duvet diving"! I love that! And, it's what I'm doing today. It's cold here today. Usually I don't feel cold, but today is different. A wet, Pacific Northwest cold.

    I've read others' statements that they found meditation helpful. People have suggested it to me, but I can't meditate. When I try, I get extremely nervous. Weird, huh? There was a time when I could meditate, but no longer. Another thing I've quit trying to do.

    Had a list of things taped to the bathroom mirror--stuff I was going to do today. Yeah. Sure.
    That was the list I wrote last night when I was feeling semi-okay. Now? Not so much. Apathetic again. So, bye for now. I'm going to make another "dive." MsE
  15. Chelz

    Chelz New Member

    I am so sorry. I do relate and how I do. I'm saying I'm so sorry because I know this feeling. As a matter of fact, I said almost the exact same thing to my sister. I told her I am not depressed, I just have reached rock bottom, I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and my motivation is practially nill at this point.

    As I was reading your post and you posted about checking in on your kids and grandkids, I thought you do have hope, you have your family. I do not have any kids and obviously no grandkids either, that would make such a huge difference for me, maybe because I don't have them, not sure.

    Because I don't have kids, grandkids, and I am not really all that close to my existing family, it just makes things more bleak for me, but that is me and how I feel.

    As far as antidepressants, I am in the same boat as you, they made me so much more worse. I hate how doctors just want to throw these drugs at us, and since I was diagnosed with FM back in 2002, almost 10 years ago, they STILL do not have any good treatments for this condition, so you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.

    I also read, watch TV and struggle at my job, and really really struggle once I get home to get anything done. I also live with my 82 year old mom, who is surprisingly peppy, but she does have her health problems and memory problems as well. So, I have to be a care giver to her, and there is no one else to help me. This, for me, is not depression, just the reality of the situation and unfortunately anxiety creeps in for me as I try to not think about the future.

    Embrace your kids and grandkids, as you probably do,they are your gifts, truly there are. Hugs to you, Chelz.
  16. luigi21

    luigi21 Member

    I dont have any children either, and am estranged from my immeditate family, although im having to live under my parents roof at the moment, i feel more like monster in the attic than flowers in the attic!

    Sure sign of desperation? i googled 'cures for fibromyalgia' wink, you know what i mean, now thats desperate because you read all the stories like;
    1)i cured my fibro with stretching

    2) i cured my fibro by taking a herbal remedy that gives the 'cure cycle' exactly the same symptoms as fibromyalgia! you know the one, i mean whats the bloody point of that?

    3) i didn't have fibromyalgia i had hypothyroidism

    4) I watched my wife lay on a table and have her head pushed upwards so her chin went right into her chest, then had her head twisted to the left. Afterwards she was cured! no word of a lie its there on google, think we call that osteopathy, and she obviously had some cerivical spine compression and not fibro.

    5) i laid on a table and had my head pushed up my ass (no only joking that wasn't on there but i wonder if that would work?.... that said some days i feel like its there already).

    the list went on add infinitum, of cause you have to subscribe or buy something. so yes had me desperate google search, get that once in a while, although not a bad thing to look up the latest research but lets face it, its pretty poor, not as well funded im afraid, i dont know sometimes i think do they already have the cure and they just make more money out of us buying prescriptions and herbal remedies, that said if they cured us it would put us back into work.

    but got me self out me jimjams, had to go to post office, woo hoo, got back into them tonight. right shoulder killing me........ brain is officially switching off, so i will say ta ta for now, all the best
  17. greatgran

    greatgran Member

    I so can relate to every word and feeling you speak of.. That is one reason I haven't been in touch/ I didn't want to depress anyone.

    Oh, my dear friend how much we have in common, sorry I have no answers.. Will try to get you a post soon. Think of you so often..

  18. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Just got home after a four hour bus trip to join part of my family for Thanksgiving. It was worth it! Had a lovely time and an excellent dinner.

    Luigi, I just had to laugh about your "cures for fibromyalgia" list. So true. The same goes for CFS/ME. I've quit reading about these DD's. However, I like "i cured my fibro with stretching"!
    Don't ya just wish?
  19. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Sleep? As in all night? As in waking refreshed? What is this "sleep"? I can't remember it very well. :)
    [This Message was Edited on 11/25/2011]
  20. MsE

    MsE New Member

    Yes, it is true there are lots of folks in much worse shape. I'm just glad my weight is reasonable. Not slim and girlish any more at 76, but reasonable. As for winning a million dollars--dream on. However, I am not giving in and I am focusing on an attitude adjustment.
    All may not be well, but it is a heck of a lot better than it could be.