Anyone else have their husband calling you names about being fat?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by roseylisa, Nov 30, 2006.

  1. roseylisa

    roseylisa New Member

    The thing is he is 5 "8 aand 260 I an 5 4" and 208 and yet when we get into an arguement and he is drinking he tells me I am a fat B tch! but yet he is over weight and since I havnt been able to work he will throw that in my face also what can I do I am all cried out his drinking is getting worse every evening but since he only drinks after work and on the weekends and doesnt go to the bars he thinks he doesnt have a problem!
  2. mollystwin

    mollystwin New Member

    I'm sure it's the alcohol talking. My husband stopped commenting on my weight a long time ago. I'm not overweight now, but when I turned 40 I gained 30 lbs and he used to comment especially when he had been drinking. He never called me names, just would comment on the weight gain. He would also comment on what I ate, when I was eating. He's a perfectionist, though and is harder on himself than anyone else.

    I refused to talk to him for a few days, then told him how insenstive he was being and eventually he stopped. Ironically, now I'm too thin!

    It's strange that he's calling you fat when he is overweight. I'll bet your too nice to mention that to him! I'm sorry your not able to work and that he throws that in your face too. Not nice. Are you able to talk to him about this at all? I know it's hard and some men just won't listen, but why don't you just try to tell him that it hurts!!!

    (((((((((hugs))))))))
  3. janie056

    janie056 New Member

    Rosey used to be my nickname, I am so sorry you are going through this, you don't deserve it, please know that!
    I have been in relationships with addicts for many years...
    I can only tell you I am here for you and there is an organization called al-anon. I hope I don't get in trouble for this, but please try a meeting if you can. PLEASE!
    How long have you been married? Do you have children?

    Please write back,

    MUCH LOVE TO YOU,
    Jane
  4. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    Tell the cops that he has been drinking and verbally abusing you and you are afraid of him and will they take him so he can sleep it off.
    That way you CAN be a fat B**ch. Next time he calls you a fat B**ch, you can say yeah, I guess I am and that makes you the fat B**t**d.
  5. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Hmmm. I like the al-anon suggestion.

    You need to change your response if what you are doing isn't working. He is feeding off of your inability to stand up for yourself.

    You can't change him, but you can change your response to his behavior.

    I'd probably say something like, "If I'm a fat B____, then you are a fat drunk---so let's go on a diet together."

    This may not work for him, I don't know his personality. He sounds as if he is hurting inside and has to pass along the hurt to get rid of it himself.

    Do you think he would consider family counseling, or is that not an option?

    I think the alanon (or how ever you spell it) would be a good source for support and suggestions.
  6. petsrme

    petsrme Member

    Hi Rosey, I can relate to your problem. My husband, when we first got married would get angry and call me a fat a or a fat b. I had never been called fat before. I was actually thin now that I look back on it. I weighed about 125 and am 5'8". I began to think I WAS fat or had a problem. I would cry and worry about my looks when he said this. He would always say that he didn't mean it literally, that I wasn't fat. I learned after awhile that, that is how his family handled arguments. Most of them were overweight, except for my husband and they called each other fat a's everytime they got into a fuss. The big joke in their family and still is, is to call each other cows. I finally realized that my husband was just raised to act this way.

    I did begin to gain weight and got up to 225. Guess what? He stopped calling me fat. I guess since I was he hated to hurt my feelings. I knew then that when he called me fat all those times he really didn't think I was. Now I have lost weight and he still hasn't started calling me that, I hope he doesn't. It won't matter if he does. I am old enough now to know more about my own body and what I want to look like.

    People just don't realize how much words can hurt and make us think about ourself. They do hurt so much and can make a person who is happy with theirself think bad of themself. Your husband may use this phrase with you because he knows it hits you hard. I think that is what my husband did it. I wish I could help you. I just wanted you to know I know how bad it hurts to hear those words. It is so devastating and degrading. Take care of yourself and please try to get him help for his drinking. That may help and make him stop acting this way. Love yourself and don't let someone make you feel bad about yourself like I did. I let a man convince me I was overweight when I wasn't. It doesn't matter if you do have a few extra pounds, someone has no business using that as a weapon against you.
  7. springlakeorphan

    springlakeorphan New Member

    you've gotten great advice. This type of behavior is ABUSE. Don't even try to talk to him when he is drinking.
    That is like talking to a brick wall.
    You deserve so much better!!!!!I know its easy for me to sit here and tell you to get out of there. But I have been where you are and left. I survivied and am so much happier. PLEASE PLEASE get help for yourself.
    Good luck and God bless.
    Ask for help when you are ready for the next step.
  8. monamea

    monamea New Member

    Hi roseylisa,

    From a person that is verbally abused, when I asked him if he still loved me my husbands comment was "yes, but it gets harder each day" I looked at him and said" well have you looked in the mirror lately" that quieted him down. Yes, I have gained alot of weight, I have had 6 surgeries in 3 years and each one in my stomach area. Since then I have no stomach muscles and cannot carry any more than 20lbs as I get hernia's too every time I do (have one now). I've learned to shovel it back to him when he gets like this. I am lucky that he doesn't drink anymore, but the abuse doesn't stop. I don't leave because I am disabled and can't get a job because of other problems. Like the others with abusive drunk's, don't take it get help. If he won't go to get help, you do, if it continues get rid of him, you are better off without him.

    Please take care and get help. Your Dr. can help you or point you in the right direction.
  9. Catseye

    Catseye Member

    I think everybody has already said it best about your husband, do you really need him around?

    But if you're here, you have cfs or fm, right? Have you changed your diet, yet? Have you given up wheat and dairy and sugar and high carb foods to see if you improve? I've had to give up all the food I like but I'm finally healing, now. If you continue to put the same food in your body that you have all your life, you won't get better, or at least not anytime soon. The one good thing about this illness is I've lost that last 20 pounds I always wanted to lose. I look great! Too bad I was forced into it rather than wanting it for myself, first. Maybe I could have avoided getting so ill.

    I'm really sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear. I really sympathize with you about your husband whose behavior sounds ghastly and unless you really need him around, he's not a healthy environment that's conducive to healing. But if you are 208 then now's the time for the mega diet you've always avoided. It's really simple, if it's sweet and satisfying, then give it up. Don't eat pasta or potatos. Have alot of protein foods like baked and broiled chicken and meats, vegetables and good fats like olive oil and avocado. This will make you feel tons better. Eating what you want is not worth feeling bad, it's just a bad habit like his drinking.

    good luck to you!
    karen
  10. charlenef

    charlenef New Member

    BUT AN EX BOYFRIEND THAT I WAS WITH FOR 5 YRS MY NICKNAME WAS SWEAT-BOX TALK ABOUT ABUSE ANYWAY I LEFT HIM AND LOST ALL THE WEIGHT AND I RELIZED THAT HE WAS THE ONE WHO MADE ME FEEL BAD AND I GAINED MORE WEIGHT.THE THING IS YOU DONT KNOW HOW BAD IT IS UNTIL YOUR AWAY FROM THEM .WHEN YOU LOOK BACK YOULL SAY I CANT BELIEVE I EVERY PUT UP WITH THAT.MY HUSBAND IS A SWEET HEART AND WOULD NEVER CALL ME ANY NAME SO THEY ARE OUT THERE. YOUR HUSBAND IS JUST TRYING TO DRAG YOU DOWN BECAUSE OF HIS OWN PROBLEMS. CHARLENE
  11. kjfms

    kjfms Member

    You sound like a lovely person and please do not forget that OK :)

    In times like these it is so easy for others to say "if" well truth be told no one knows until they are in that particular situation what they would do - right?

    I do know that sometimes people hold things in -- not just men and unfortunately it comes out when they drink. Not a good thing but a human thing.

    I am not saying it is right or wrong -- I am just saying it is a part of real life and it happens. Things do not work like an intervention show and life is not at all like TV or magazine articles. Each situation is unique and special.

    Most of the time what comes out is not even what is actually bothering that person. They be saying something about another persons weight when the real problem is money or problems at work -- you never know until you ask (when they're sober).

    I have had this to happen in my relationship of 23 years and while I can not tell you what to do or what I would do if...

    I can tell you what I did when my LIL (Live in Love) held in things until they he became verbally abusive when he drank after work and on the weekends.

    I waited until he was sober and told what a mean S.O.B. he was and how cruel he was and that we obviously had some major problems we needed to discuss or we were headed for big trouble.

    I am not saying that our relationship is perfect but it is great compared to several years ago -- we talk actually we communicate which is the key.

    I am not saying it is easy not at all it take a lot of hard work but it is worth if that is what you want.

    Walking away is the easy part -- fighting for you love and your relationship if that is what you want is the hard part of course that is the decision only you can make.

    I hope I have helped just a little and I really hope I have not offended in any way because that was not my intention at all. I do hope you will set and have a long talk with you husband you might be surprised...

    I wish you the very best,

    Karen :)