Anyone else have this problem with hubby?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by roseylisa, Jan 3, 2006.

  1. roseylisa

    roseylisa New Member

    My husband and I got in an arguement. He threw up in my face that I sounded like a broken record everyday about how I was feeling everyday. He even gave examples "today I felt pretty good compared to yesterday!" Today was a bad day with the pain." He then said you sound like a broken record!He then said I hurt to! He told me he was sick and tired of my b----ing! I told him that when he yells at me like that and I get upset and crying which I was it causes me flare ups and I hurt alot more, he then says your always using your illness as an excuse and blaming it on me I'm sick of it! I of course couldn't stop crying! I asked who am I suppose to talk to about how I feel?
    I told him the support group on line I joined they have the same kind of things and most of them say their husbands are the only ones that understand, he said then let them support you! This is not the first time this has happened.I feel so alone with this illness and my kids treat me the same way!
  2. mahx

    mahx New Member

    ...sorry you are going through this.

    It is very hard for anyone to understand this DD.
    It would be nice to think that those closest to us, would be the most supportive.Unfortunately, they usually are the worse. At least at first. Many come around and "get It" eventually. In the mean time tho---it is even harder on us....the already sick and hurting ones.

    For someone to talk to try the chat room. It saved me. My husband too had a hard time( Still does, but getting better) with this.Many times i heard---"if you would just get out of bed and DO something--you would feel better."

    Other hurful comments and worst of all the disgusted in me look he would get when he came home...and nothing was done.
    Of course that made me feel worse, and cry, and feel worse----never ending circle. Don't mean to go on--just want you to know your not alone. Try the chat room--you can cry vent, etc. Also, learn good tips health wise. Mostly gives you someone to talk to. It saved me---really.

    Take Care. Hope to chat with you soon.

    Ma
  3. Greenbean7

    Greenbean7 New Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough when we get the support we need.

    October 2004 I was told I would be downsized the first of 2005 after 7 years in my job. I was horribly stressed which put me in to flare after flare.

    I complained to DH about the pain and the job until one day he blew up and said why don't you just f***ing quit. That was the last day I mentioned how I felt.

    When he asks, I tell him. If he doesn't I just keep quiet. It's not easy, but I refuse to give him the tools to use against me when I complain.

    Some days he will notice and ask if I'm ok. He no longer questions it when I spend all day on the weekend in bed or if I come home with hamburgers when I don't feel like I can cook.

    I've learned not to look for sympathy or understanding from him, or from anyone else who doesn't have this DD.

    My daughters and sister do understand to some point. They make me slow down before I wear myself out and if I am having a particularly bad day I can talk to one of them and get some support to get me through.

    I pray you find someone who will listen and try to understand. My husband is a wonderful man, but he doesn't understand and I've given up trying to make him.

    Hugzz
    Greenbean
  4. PITATOO

    PITATOO Member

    I went through the same issues. But from a different perspecitive. I am a 42 yo male and now divorced. I have had CFIDS and FMS for over 10 years. The Fibro was not the main reason for our divorce but it did contribute. I am much better now without those stressors. People/Family say it must be hard without a wife and deal with your diseases but it is actually easier. I am in no way suggesting divorce; just relating to your situation. One of the last straws was when I took a full time job with a company versus being in business for myself. When I was in business I was working about 90 hours a week easily. I found a decent job locally, stopped my commuting; because I never knew where my next contract would be. But I am making about 1/4 of what I used to. Still make in the top 10% of incomes in the nation but this was not good enough for the "x". I had to file bankruptcy in order to do this. But now I only work 40-45 hours a week, love the people I work with, great benefits, never had time off before because time off was unbillable time. Anyways I can really relate. You are sick and may be for the rest of your life. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Men naturally are not accustomed to be the caregiver. Children, aging parents etc. The woman is usually the caregiver, be it from traditions and also to having more compassion and empathy. But this can change and I can see a trend. You are both young and have a lifetime together so don't give up. I am a wather of people and I've noticed also that as men age they become more compasionate. Hang in there girl things "will" get better. There are books about fibro or just general books about being a spouse of someone who is chronically ill. Pick one up and leave it in his favorite reading area - just a thought - take care - Bobby
  5. Countrymom

    Countrymom New Member

    I can't believe your husband said all that. It is really awful. I am sending you a big hug right now.

    My husband is very supportive but even he says that it is easy to forget how sick I am. He doesn't know how it feels and since I look well, he forgets.

    Hopefully your husband will get a better understanding of your health issues, until then, you can always come here!!

    You are a wonderful person who is very ill and we all understand here. Hope your day gets better sweetheart.

    Dani
  6. sdown

    sdown New Member

    I know exactly how you feel. My husband blew up at me last October with similar stuff. He said very hurtful things. But its in the past now and Ive forgiven him. I try to look at his side of the coin. Its not easy living with a sick person. Our social life sucks, the phone never rings and Im not working. Its natural your husband is feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Im not condoning his behaviour, its just that Ive been there so I understand. Try maybe to chat with us more and tell him less about your illness for awhile. My cousin recently lost her husband who was sick with hepatitis. He was chronically ill. He was sick for 10 years. She worked full-time while he was sick and worried about him. After his death she went into a depression and the doc said she will be on anti-depressants probably for 3 years and not working. Stress affects everyone differently. I try to talk about other things with my husband. I am sensitive to the way it effects him. When he says things like "Thats all we talk about in this house is illness". Its a sign to back down and talk about something else. How old are your kids? I have one who is 11 and so far he is wonderful, very helpful and sympathetic. If your kids are old enough they should be helping you around the house. Good luck! Sending big hugs to you!
  7. NyroFan

    NyroFan New Member

    roseylisa:
    I was in the same position and kicked the brute out.
    I just couldn't take it anymore. I know how terrible this disease is.

    If you are not able to give him the boot: hang in here.

    And---I am not saying you are codependent, but it might help a little. The girls here got me into a 12 step program and you do get support and it eases up the junk at home.
    It's called Co-dependents Anonymous.

    Nope. No psychology background for me. So, please just take my advice as a gentle thought for sometime if you ever do need it. Or now.
    Hugs,
    NyroFan
  8. Kinsie

    Kinsie New Member

    My husband acknowledges that I have a health problem, and will tell other people about it, etc. But, when it interferes with our life in some way ( in a lot of ways!) he seems to forget what he knows.

    He got put out with me the other day about something, and I don't even remember now how it came up, but when I told him that I was in a lot of pain, and that's why I didn't or couldn't do something he wanted, he said " I bet only about 1 in 10 would buy that excuse". It really hurt.

    Some times he's great about it, sometimes not so great. The worst problem that we have is that I don't want to be touched a lot. Touching hurts, and in general it just makes me kind of nervous. He's very affectionate, so we have a HUGE problem. I prefer to sleep alone. He loves to cuddle. Whew - how many agruments we've had!!!

    Anyway, I know how it hurts when our husband doesn't seem to understand.

    Your friend,

    Kinsie

  9. smiffy79

    smiffy79 New Member

    im so sorry. he shouldnt have yelled but sometimes its just as hard on other ppl close to us to see us suffering.
    im not making an excuse for him but please hang in there.

    for him to blow like that it must have been bubbling under the surface. sit down with him one to one and get everything out in the open, sit and take notes if you must but its all got to be faced and when the two of you can work together s a unit then he will be able to help you with the kids.
    i see respect as an issue and you need more of it.
    my husband and i sit together often and get crap out there so it doesnt get the chance to mutate and become a monster.
    if you have pets bring them in with you as we fing having the dogs near means something to do with you hands or eyes when it gets a bit much.

    big hugs sweety it can get better. smiffy x
  10. suzetal

    suzetal New Member

    HUGS coming your way.I am so sorry.Please stay in touch with us.

    Hugs
    Sue
  11. Didders

    Didders New Member

    Hey, Kiddo,

    First husband a schmuck but second is fabulous and completely supportive. I did have some training to do, though. Finally figured out why he'd get testy or down: Men DO NOT like to feel helpless especially with a loved one. Really messes with their heads.

    Men are fixers and we can't be fixed. This is very frustrating for them and they can get angry. And they have short memories so they need to be tweaked regularly.

    I spent the first few years educating him in bits and pieces. Most effective was when he'd get the flu or his back went out. I'd ask him all his symptoms, nod sympathetically, and say, honey, this is what I feel 24/7. He'd look at me in utter amazement and say how do you handle it, I couldn't. i just say there's no choice and I love you too much to give up.

    I'm honest with him about how I'm doing but I don't constantly give him a laundry list. Not needed. He can see it. Anyone who loves you can see it or they don't love you. Period. My girlfriends - the ones who stayed - can tell the exact moment my brain shuts down or the pain shoots up. God bless 'em!!

    Bottom line is to reassure your partner that just loving you and and being supportive is enough. I wish you could fix me, too, sweetie, but you can't and that's OK. It'll sink in. Do nice little things for him like turn his side of the bed down, get his water and put his book out. Or cut and paste the weekend sports schedule, enlarge it, and put it by his favorite chair. Doable kindnesses go a long way to giving the impression you are able to contibute.


    Also, people have about a 3 month limit on their support. If you're not well by then, they fade away. Just the way it is. That's why we lose all but the good ones.

    Take care and hope this helps. Hugs!! Cinda
  12. atiledsner

    atiledsner New Member

    as I mean no harm.My daughter was ill for years, I was her everything.Every time there was a problem I tried to fix it.I felt so responsible, she was so young 18.I felt like life had cheated her and I wasn't happy with that.I began to feel very anxious when she was around.Finally I realized tht her whole life revolved around what I called a health report.She came in each day telling me how she felt,did a comparative on how it related to other days.One day I just talked to her and told her how I felt.I know what pain is all about and I encourage you to get the help you need.My suggestion is that if your life has become like my daughters,use this board to vent,get info try to get better.Let hubby do what he wants to ,to help but really try not to have to depend on him any more than you have to.I too am sorry you had to hear these hurtful words and be treated like that. Forgive and move on .((((HUGS))))Dianne atiledsner
  13. kch64

    kch64 New Member

    Its been a long hard struggle for my husband and me, because he's actually sicker than I am. He got put on disability two years ago.

    I am the one who finally said to him that we needed to find something else to talk about. We rehashed the same old illness issues (his) over and over and I couldn't take it after awhile because I was hurting too. My mom had died and then my health started getting worse. There have been days when I feel so bad, but never said anything to him. However, now when I say I'm sick, he acts like he's concerned for me.

    So, sometimes if you can find another outlet for awhile until he cools off, then talk to him calmly about it. I don't complain to my husband and he doesn't complain to me unless its really bad.

    However, I will add, that my husband has become more self-centered since he's been ill. I don't always feel like he understands when I'm feeling really sick too. My marriage is good, but not what I expected when I married. Its been a long, hard road for both of us. I can't say if it will last or not. Sometimes I think it will,but i must admit, I have my doubts at times.

    There are usually other feelings underneath. Sometimes its fear, or feeling unloved. Maybe try asking him how hes feeling sometimes, just to let him know that you're concerned for him too.

    We are in relationships, and that is a two-way street for us also. We need to remember that . Be compassionate to him as you would expect him to be to you. I've been doing that, and its been helping our situation.

    Just keep the communication going.

    Just my two-cents.

    K.
    <[This Message was Edited on 01/03/2006]
  14. lovethesun

    lovethesun New Member

    It sounds like he needs counseling
  15. dixmstx

    dixmstx New Member

    Roseylisa
    My only question is if this ever happened before you got sick. I hear a lot of my ex husband in this. I was lucky and married a really special man this time but like someone else, my husband has been ill. He had stomach cancer 6 years ago and now has lung nodules...waiting for further tests and results. I find myself NOT complaining because at times I feel like my pains aren't as bad but at other times I feel like saying..."hey, I hurt too and this effects me as much as it does you"...I could just probably say it in a nicer way than your husband did.

    Keep your chin up