Anyone else trying to cope with spouse ADHD?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by ckzim, Apr 18, 2006.

  1. ckzim

    ckzim New Member

    I have the Fibro...he has the ADHD, and I'm finding it almost impossible to live with anymore.

    His lack of attention, leaving things all over the place, not being able to follow through, lies, etc..etc.. just all that goes with the ADHD...is very hard on the Fibro.

    We have only been married 3 yrs, and I didn't know he had ADHD, to the degree he has it. To top it all off, he won't take care of it, meaning, he won't go to the doctor and get a med that helps with it.

    I get so stressed, which causes the flares, which causes the pain, I'm in counseling for it,(how to deal with adhd) but there's only so much one person can do, if he won't help himself.

    Through counseling I've come to realize...being stressed out like that is the reason for 50% of my pain. Then to think he won't get the help he needs, so I am suffering for it.

    Which again, makes me really angry, as I am taking care of my Fibro as best I can, which is no easy task, and next to impossible,with trying to deal with all that adhd deals out.

    Since poor memory is a big thing with adhd, half the time he doesn't even remember I have Fibro...I could go on and on, what transpires day to day living...but mostly I feel so alone in this all.

    Just wondering if anyone else is dealing with this? And how?


    Thanks,
    KathyZ
  2. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    Are often disorganized to the point of not caring. Are you sure he is ADHD-I mean is he totlaly hyperactive too, always on the go, picking up a hobby, dropping it, racing off to start anew?

    He could be just scatter brained???

    I have let a lot of my high standards go. I never needed to actually do housework apart from vac and dust prior to being married as I kept everything so tidy and neat and made a point of putting things back where they came from as soon as I used them.

    After a few years of picking up after everyone else, I decided to join them. I am still more tidy than they are, but I am not stressed out about untidyness really.

    I hope this helps. I worry that people (esp. kids) get ADHD dx when in fact they are being very male. Maybe he is a lot worse and needs some intervention, but as Prickles here says "the only thing we can change on another human is a diaper". They must change themselves or want to.

    Love Anne C
  3. ilovecats94

    ilovecats94 New Member

    in adult ADHD or ADD. My son is 27 and he has had it since he was born. He was finally put on Ritalin in the 4th grade, but the family doc took him off of it during the summer. It was horrible being around him all summer. Drove me crazy.

    Finally when he was 17 and couldn't get his learner's permit to drive, he went to see a psychiatrist who specializes in adult ADD/ADHD and was dx'd with it and told to take 40 mg. of Ritalin a day.

    Well he is now an HVAC technician, but only on 20 mg. of Ritalin a day. He is doing pretty good with his job. But other things he will forget.

    He just got married on 4/2.

    They have to take the med to be able to deal with life, I feel. There were times when he didn't take the med and had auto accidents. If he has one more accident or ticket, he will lose his license.

    I can tell when he doesn't take his meds, but now I think he uses pill boxes again to remember to take it in the morning. He really needs another dose around 1 or 2 PM, but the family doc won't give him more than 20 mg. a day and he doesn't have time to see that specialist due to all the work he does.

    I hope things get better for you. I do know what it is like.

    Hugs,
    Faye
  4. pam_d

    pam_d New Member

    I'm just sorry he won't recognize this as a problem and seek some help. I work with a 40-year-old man who had ADHD and is on Ritalin. He's a great employee and friend, very open about his ADHD and how much the meds help. The reality is, meds won't solve every crisis or problem, but they do make an enormous difference in folks who need them.

    Is there a friend of your husband's or a relative of his (that you trust) that he respects enough to take advice from? Maybe you could talk to that person and suggest he talk frankly to your husband. Would he ever read any literature about ADHD---in adults---if you left it around the house, like say, the bathroom (known as the "reading room" at our house)? He may be thinking this is just a "kid" illness, and that may completely affect his ideas about adults getting help or taking meds.

    Anyway, I wish you the best and I hope you can get him to realize he---and by extension, ALL of you---need him to take this seriously.

    ((Hugs))
    Pam
  5. ckzim

    ckzim New Member

    for all the input....I don't feel so alone about it all now.

    He says he has been dx'd for ADD...two years ago...I see the adhd...I've done alot of research on it...I've got books galore, I've talked to different people who have it, things like that, is how I informed myself.

    I've brought this all to him, and he insists taking Paxil, is all he needs. Paxil isn't a med for add, it might help with one of the symtoms, but it doesn't treat the add.

    I desided to find out if it's just him...being a jerk? Or the add/adhd? I told him either get help...or move out.

    He went to the Md...who told him he "out grew" the add??? And put him on Cymbalta for depression....I researched that med??? And thought it sounded vaguely famliar...then I remembered...Fibro patients take that sometimes. Not to mention you can't take Paxil and Cymbalta together, according to the leaflet in the Cymbalta.

    I thought what the heck? First off...a MD is not anyone who is qualified to make that kind of dx. He should really see a pycholigist? (sp?) Be tested...etc.

    He won't though...he wants to stand on what the MD dx'd him with. to me that is just a way to not take care of what needs to be taken care of.

    I've come to stop taking anything he says personally...(he acts like that with his children, mother,etc.)..except when it comes to making things more difficult for me, when he knows I have Fibro. I take that personally...he is capable of seeing with his eyes...me in the bed, moaning from pain.

    I am trying very hard to work this out, but I am running low on even caring at this point. I'm just trying to get through the days as best I can, he makes it soooo hard.
    It could be he is just a lazy, man, with big personality flaws, and add/adhd...what a combo.

    It's like living with a spoiled 5 yr old, in grown man's body.
    I was just wondering how anyone else does it? I really don't want to end the marriage....but it's getting to that point, things have to change, I just can't take it anymore.

    I was putting my hope in a proper dx for him, and med's that might relieve some of this behavior....but he refuses...so there I am, holding the bag.

    Thanks all for listening...it really helped to type this all out...sorry it was so long.
    HUGS
    KathyZ
  6. forfink

    forfink New Member

    Loved reading everyone's stories on ADHD husbands and children. Yes, it can be difficult living with them and patience is a virtue.I have a husband and a son with ADD. And repeating yourself 3 times to tell them anything is almost required!!!!LOL
    I've been with my husband for 35 years, watched him struggle with ADD, only recently he started taking Strattera, so did my son. They can accomplish the same tasks in half the time and can stay focused in business for hours. My husband has become very successful in his business career, but most of that was from self discipline.Very hard work. But boy, can his mind wander at home....I know what you mean. Like a zombie!
    Having ADD should not make him forget about your Fibro. Letting him know WHAT your needs are will help. They forget what they are suppose to do to help you!!!! Really.

    Keep letting him know what your needs are. And in turn, you can see if he is up for the challenge to be a more organized person with your help. This can only strengthen your marriage. He has to WANT to strengthen the marriage.It takes hard work!
  7. willruthie1965

    willruthie1965 New Member

    How bad would it be to have fibro and adhd??THats me. I hate having to live with my self I stress My self out all the time LOL. Ruthie
  8. ckzim

    ckzim New Member

    for the tip on the Tazo Tea...we do have a starbucks right at the mall...I will be picking some of that up real soon.

    How nice not to agrue! That's like a dream!

    Anyways...will keep you posted on that.

    KathyZ
  9. Strawberry94

    Strawberry94 New Member

    YES! He has ADD symptoms but not hyper.

    I have learned to just let things go as much as I can. After all if he can put up with me being fatigued and not wanting to go places, I sure better try to be understanding of his shortcomings.

    He also has low energy, not exhausted, just low energy. I give him the same kinds of supplements that I take and he swears they help him.
  10. kirschbaum26

    kirschbaum26 New Member

    Dear Kathy:

    My daughter's father has ADHD. We actually broke up the month he was diagnosed. He is 48 and has been taking Adderall for about 5 years. My daughter was only 2 at the time. I must tell you that it has made a big difference in his life. It is very hard to get a diagnosis as an adult. Also, since Adderall is a controlled substance, he has to be careful about not running out, etc.

    I have always been amazed that he has been able to concentrate and focus on activities that interest him, but he always had a tougher time with activities that did not directly affect him.

    He and I went to couples therapy for nearly a year before we broke up. He kept on saying that he wanted to work on our relationship, but he always held something back. What it actually turned out to be was that he wanted to be the center of attention, the one that I catered to. When my daughter was born (it was a big surprise, as I was 37 and told by many doctors that I could not even get pregnant) he actually resented any time that I spent with her that he was not included in. It was a tough time.

    He and I did break up, but we are now working on getting back together. It is not an easy thing, and there are still some hurt feelings on my side, but since he was with me while I was going through some terrible medical issues (prior to being dx with FMS) he knows what makes my FMS symptoms lessen.

    Good luck, and look for an adult assessment group.

    Ingrid
  11. nanna4550

    nanna4550 New Member

    My ex husband and daughter have ADHD. My daughter was diagnosed in 3rd grade and my ex figured he had it too, so after we got divorced he was tested and has ADHD and Bi-polar. It was a very hard marriage, and I didn't have fibro at the time (I've been divorced from him for 13 years). He was also a compulsive gambler, alcoholic, and chain smoker. It's hard to live with someone who is out of control, I felt like I was married to a teenage boy who was rebeling from authority. I know he couldn't help it, but getting help and meds would have been a start. What he did was blame me for everything. You know the drill.

    My daughter refused to take meds because she said she didn't feel like herself, but when on the meds she was so much better. Less argumentative, less impulsive, easier to hold her tongue, easier to focus on things. She is very smart, so at school, she would just get her work done quickly before she lost interest. We'd sit down and do homework as soon as she got home to get it done.

    The best thing for her was to be on her side first, appeal to her sense of fairness next, and be firm in what I agree to or not agree to. Be clear what you expect and when you expect it and don't take any !$%&.

    It's a hard road, I hope you feel better soon.
    Love, Nanna
  12. rachel432

    rachel432 New Member

    i hope this gives you a little hope. lmy husband also has adhd, he is on ritalin, we have been married for 7yrs and together for over 11. try to get him to see a psych who may be able to medicate him better, cymbalta may not be the best thing for him. but as for the hope, you to really will find that you can help eachother out. he can burn off some of the extra energy doing the things you don't have the energy or strength to do. i've just found that you need to be able to verbally encourage the spouse with adhd to stay on track and direct them a little bit. but it does work out well that way. at least it has worked for us and i hope it will work for you two also.
    i hope this helps.
    rachel