Anyone else with grandsons like this?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by kellygirl, Nov 28, 2010.

  1. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I have grandsons, age 8 and 9. they are a terror. I have a mobile home and they actually stand on my sofa, they race around the house, won't sit for dinner. Are loud and are destructive and think it's all funny.

    My other daughter just bought a home and they went over to see it, she is moving in, and they ran through it, stood on her baseboard heaters, almost broke the ceiling fan light, left the dog out front where there is traffic. The parents stand and watch and don't say a thing.

    The parents talk how boys are boys, and criticize teachers and bus drivers that correct them.

    So, now we have Christmas coming and my daughter doesn't want to have the family in because of the boys, my son, who has a new home doesn't want them so they don't know what to do. they want us over, but do not want to invite my daughter with the boys.

    Who should tell them that we all are not wanting to do Christmas for the family because of these boys? I don't want to hurt my daughter. It's her husband that should be a father and discipline them also.

    My daughter is the breadwinner of the family. She also is the one that takes care of the boys when she is not working plus does all the housework and managing the family.

    Suggestions? Anyone ever been through this?
  2. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    It almost seems as though a kind of family "intervention" might be the best way to go and the least destructive to the family dynamics. Do you all live in the same area so that you could get the adults together to talk? Would your daughter be willing to listen if you all did this in a helpful and loving manner? It's a shame that the discipline problems are ruining the holidays for everyone. Do your daughter and her husband have the parenting skills to discipline the boys in a positive manner? Perhaps they feel overwhelmed and have just given up. Still, it's hard to believe they can't see how destructive the kids' behavior is for others and their possessions.

    I guess if it were me, I'd go the intervention route before just excluding them. At this late date, even with great parenting, it won't change the boy's behavior overnight. The biggest things those kids need are boundaries and limits and, most importantly, consequences for bad behavior. Discipline is difficult but it is an act of love. If children don't learn to behave at home, the world at large will teach them and not in a nice way.

    If the parents criticize others for correcting the boys, they are in denial and I don't know whether they will listen to family but it's about the only thing I can think of. If you all talk to them and they won't listen, they really cannot complain if no one wants them for the holidays. It's a rough way to learn, but perhaps it will take a defining moment like that to shake them up. It could also cause a rift which will be as stressful as the present situation.

    I am so very sorry you are facing this. There are no easy answers. My heart goes out to you.

    Love, Mikie

    LEFTYGG Member

    i always said i would never have anything nice cause my boys were so rough but id never let them do that at someones house. id probably leave if they acted that way they saved it for home lol.

    its probably gonna cause a problem but id correct them and if the parents objected i just say well i dont want my stuff that ive worked hard for torn up.

    when they jump on the couch just say we dont jump on the couch here. kids know where to do stuff and where not to do it. i feel for you. love gail
  4. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    It's clear that you care a lot about these two grandsons and I so appreciate that you do and want to help. They will probably appreciate it when they are older that you were instrumental in getting the rest of the family to provide them with structure and caring.

    It takes a lot of hard work and effort to mold kids into kids that obey, play nicely, have manners when they go out, and are overall great kids. You see those great kids and are thankful for them. I don't think your daughter has gotten that message and just doesn't want to deal with their behavior and doesn't have the time to deal with it--but that's a piss poor excuse with something of such great value as her children. Structure and rules are other words for love and caring. She is hindering her children in being socially acceptable and is setting them up to be behavior problems in school and everywhere else and that travels up into adulthood. That's not okay.

    But the rest of the family can help these two kids by stepping up and not tolerating their behavior at family get-togethers at each of the others' homes. Who cares what the mom does at her own home, but the rest of you can instill in these kids that they behave at YOUR HOMES and you expect it of them and every other kid. YOU RULE THE HOUSEHOLD, NOT THE KIDS. You absolutely have the right to enforce rules in each of your own homes. If the kids' parents don't like it, they can take their little darlings home. You may find that the kids slowly settle down and behave in your homes because structure is another word for love.

    I didn't set rules for my son that I wouldn't insist other kids follow that came into my home--like no running, no yo-yo in the house, no jumping on furniture, no feet on the coffee table, no fowl language, sit at the table and eat your meal with manners, etc. That would have made my son feel that other kids could come in our home and act out, but only my son would be made to behave. So everyone behaving made for better play time, for better visits, and for all the kids that came to get along and everyone put all toys away. It was also fair to my son. And I was able to have game nights where all his friends came to my home and played board games and had a blast--because they all knew they had to behave at my house, but they could have fun.

    I was at a Burger King just a few weeks ago eating and reading a good book when someone in the seat behind me was doing something that was hitting the back of my seat hard and killing my back (I'm already in an electric scooter with back injuries).

    It turned out it was a 5 year old, dressed to the 9's, with her well-dressed grandmother, and this girl was running around then launching full speed into the bench seat that was attached to my seat.

    I turned around and told the girl that she was hurting my back. That she was not to run around and jump into the bench seats and if she can't sit and eat her meal like everyone else, then she should leave. If she did anything further, I was going up to the Manager to have him throw them out. And I then turned around and continued reading and everything was great after that.

    When they were leaving, the grandmother came to me and said she was sorry. She was taking care of the girl while her mother was giving birth in the hospital. I told the grandmother that she shouldn't put up with that behavior from the girl, and that child could have hurt me, or she could have run into someone with hot coffee and the child and the person could have gotten burnt and permanently scarred. That there is a good reason why children are told to behave.

    [This Message was Edited on 11/28/2010]
  5. spacee

    spacee Member

    My two sons about that age were no angels. I was sick, their father not a disicplinarian
    by any stretch of the imagination. Now, my kids would not have hurt anyone but they
    sure were full of energy.

    I don't know where you live but they need to be outside a lot! If possible on group
    sports where they learn to control their energy. I know that costs money, especially
    for two.

    If you have a good youth program at a church, that can have a positive effect on them
    too. Some of them go on camp outs.

    Oh, we didn't do this but scouting is another program that might help.

    I wish you the best. It seems at puberty the energy level gets directed towards girls
    and they calm down but you have other worries.

    The relatives did stop coming to visit us when we had the 3rd son.

    They all turned out fine. It was trying to find things for them to do along the way.



  6. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Thanks for all the answers. They are involved in sports and scouts. The father says in front of them, "you should see when all the boys get together in the dugout, they are all like this"....i don't think so, it's just easier for him not to deal with it.

    My daughter says boys will be boys, and says it in front of him. Calls the bus driver and teacher names in front of them.

    I wish my son and other daughter would be brave enough to tell my daughter how it is. I am always the one that has to do this type of stuff. My husband would says something to me whenever I tried to correct them in the past, now I don't care what he says.

    Nobody wants to cause a rift in the family, but maybe it's a consequence that has to happen.
  7. spacee

    spacee Member

    Yes, I agree. You are trying and need to do what you are doing.

    One last thing I did when one was acting up in the classroom. With advance
    talking with the teacher/principal. I 'showed' up in the homeroom class and
    just sat in a desk and stayed the whole period. Then went to the next one.

    I told him several times that if he was going to embarrass me at school, I was
    going to do that. That helped.

    Ok another one. A boss of mine got the news that his son was acting up in class.
    The son got nothing but spinach to eat for supper each nite til the teacher called
    and said "what did you do, he is so changed!".

    I feel for you so much.

  8. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    So sorry you are having so many problems with your grandsons. It is a hard situation you are in,. i agaree very y much everyone ehere and what Mikie said.

    Intervention is the only way you can go, I think. I know it is very hard for you to have to do anything. If you cn get together with any of the other mom's in the family and talk about it and tell her WHY no one wants them in their homes. Does she know that no one wants them there. If she does and is still in denial you need to make it clear to her.

    It will either be go and behave or they will be home by themselves for Christmas. Yes, I know that is difficult but perhaps this realization and knowing she WILL NOT be invited if the boys continue to act that way, will help !

    Good luck sweetie and let us know what happens.

  9. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Really creative answers...spinach, sitting in the child's class. Times have really changed from when I was their age, our neighbors were even allowed to correct us.

    I think the pendulum has swung too far over to the other side, from abuse when I was small to no discipline at all with some of the kids today.

    If I do have them down for Xmas, it will be a spaghetti meal and not the turkey and big meal I prepared for Thanksgiving.
  10. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    Yeah, these two boys imitate tv all the time, they kick each other in the stomach and laugh about it.

    They play the computer games all the time and the ds. They were into pokemon for a long time.

    Yes, they do imitate.
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    To have the responsibility of being the one to say something by yourself. That is why I suggested you involve the entire family. Often people will step up if they know they have support of the group. This isn't going to solve itself anytime soon nor in a nice way. Hurt feelings, and possibly family divisions may ensue.

    If there is one defining intervention, there may still be rifts or hurt feelings, but at least it will be out in the open and dealt with. If the boys' parents won't rein them in, they will know they are alone because they chose to continue to inflict the kids' bad behavior on other family members and ruin holidays. The kids won't rein themselves in because the parents aren't reining themselves in. There are already two generations of socially inappropriate behavior. If nothing is done, these boys may go on to parent out-of-control kids and there will be another generation. How much better it would be to stop it now.

    I actually watched a film about this in a communications class in college. Some people will not change their behavior unless there is a defining moment which is a consequence of bad behavior. One example was a student who refused to park her bike in the rack outside. She would leave it in the hall outside her classroom. The professor told her that was against the rules and that she would have to move it. She ignored him and the next time she parked it there, he picked it up and threw it out the door. She was shocked. It had to go that far before she realized that if she didn't follow the rules, there would be dire consequences.

    The price of denial has to be high enough so that the subject finally "gets it." Of course, when subjects "get it," they throw tantrums and let everyone know how unfairly they were treated. Your daughter and her family will likely throw their own tantrum and try to divide and conquer family members. If you stick together and insist that polite behavior is the price of admission, eventually they will come around or stay away and nurse the hurt and anger. Either way, it couldn't be much worse than it is now with holidays ruined and everyone simmering inside. That is waaaay too stressful.

    It's gonna be stressful no matter what and my heart goes out to you.

    Love, Mikie
  12. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    Yep, I never heard of having to sit in the kids classromm or be forced to eat spinach for a week - very interesting punishments!!

    As you have said our neighbors were allowed to correct us and we had better not come home and tell us that we were punished by the teacher or mistreated by them in any way cause they we would "get it "a lot worse when we came home.

    Yes, rules of good manners and good behavior were made for a reason, especially for children. Usually someone or something gets hurt or broken . Also, when they get older too no one will want to be around them and it is bad when the relatives and family don't want to get together as a family because of the kids.

    That is what I was getting to or trying to get out on the other post. Try and talk to each other as a family member and really TALK about the situation with the boys. Make it known that she will be by herself many or all holidays with the relatives if they do not start using good manners and behavior and listening to the instructions in that household. Never would we be able to do any of the stuff that you were talking about getting away with. Some people are so afraid to discipline their kids and that is why they are so messed up nowadays,

    Yes, there will be stress one way of the other but at least it wil be out in the open and we will know why she is not being invited to Christmas dinner, etc, if those boys do not start behaving..

    Hugs to all,
  13. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    Hi Kellygirl,

    Parenting is one thing I take very seriously. I have two boys - they're older now, 18 and 22.
    My boys have never even thrown a ball in the house. We instilled manners from day one. We've had an eyeroll (out of sight) I'm sure, but no more than that. They've never even talked back to us and we're not overly strict. We've just been able to talk to them and they know what is good/acceptable behavior.

    Children are begging for structure and boundaries. They're lost without them. They test the world in the place where they feel safe, which is at home where they're loved. They need to get the proper responses to their behavior at home so that they know how to become responsible adults.

    One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say "boys will be boys". What does that mean?
    My kids were calm and polite. They ran around outside. Personally I think girls can be harder at times (at least with my friend's girls' moods etc.)

    Whether your daughter is the breadwinner or not is really no excuse. It takes more work/time to raise wild children than well behaved ones. She and her husband need to provide and united front. They have to admit there's a problem before they'll take care of it.

    As the matriach of the family, you may need to say something. You can do it in a non-confrontational way. Maybe say "Christmas is so hectic as it is and truthfully __ is a little concerned about having the boys over because they're so rambunctious and a little out of control at times., No one wants any feelings hurt......"

    Are there any other kids coming? Kids that age? do they have any games/video games to occupy the kids for a while, anything the parents could bring? This won't address the long term problem but might get you through the holiday. The issue at hand definitely needs addressing or you're going to face this every holiday or family get-together.

    Having kids around like that would drive me crazy. I can't imagine it's much fun. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy your grandsons for the nice boys they are inside?

    Keep me (us) posted!! Please!
  14. jole

    jole Member

    We have 5 children. They were not raised this way. However, our one DD's two boys are exactly as you describe. My DD has always gotten onto them, but never followed through with anything, and now the boys control the home. Her hubby is of no help. She cries and says she needs help with the discipline. I've explained that she can do it....she just has to say it once and mean it. Those boys know if they beg long enough/cry loud enough/run fast enough. whatever, that she'll get tired and give in.

    It's the same situation. No one wants them at their house because they're destructive and disrespectful. The boys do well here because they know the rules and we don't back down when we keep them. However, when the parents are here it's a totally different story. They try to break the rules and turn into whiny brats that won't even let their mother visit! She always has an excuse for them, and I asked her one day what her excuse will be when they end up in prison or seriously injured in an accident of their own making? I thought she'd never speak to me again........

    So be prepared for a hurtful ending to an intervention. It may make her stop and think...someday...but it probably won't happen in time for the Holidays. Unfortunately, it's easy to blame the kids for their bad behavior, but it's not entirely their fault when a parent permits it. Interventions have one of two endings....they work...or the family ties are severed. We chose to keep the other siblings out of it, although they do set house rules to be followed in their homes. But they do not speak to their sister of this. We feel as her parents it's more our responsibility.

    I too feel very sorry for you. It's a terrible position to be of those 'damned if you do/damned if you don't' places. I wish your family (and ours) a peaceful Holiday Season :)
  15. kellygirl

    kellygirl Member

    I sent an email to everyone, what do they want to do for Christmas. The daughter with the sons informed me she was thinking of spending a few days here! I have a mobile home!

    So, I'll see what the verdict is and will say about how rambunctious the boys are, that is a nice way of putting it.
  16. inprog

    inprog Member

    Shucks...., I don't think I want a grandson anymore after reading all of this. :((I was hoping for one and even gave him a fantasy name. He is not even conceived yet. Maybe it would be too much for me to take care of. :( "Little Raggetty Andy: Please be nice to me and not give me too much trouble if you decide to come to planet Earth to be my grandchild." There. At least it's out there if he is out there in spirit world to hear me. If he is anything like my daughter, then I guess I give up. She was a total challenge to raise.

    Adding an update that my grandchild will be due here in January. Guess he or she decided to show up due to my request.
    [This Message was Edited on 12/18/2011]