Anyone else's spouse unable to...

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by pasara, Jun 18, 2008.

  1. pasara

    pasara New Member

    ...see you normally anymore?

    My husband lately doesn't seem to be able to get out of "caregiver mode" and just relate to me as friend and lover. He is burnt out from being around me. He says he doesn't know what to expect from one day to another. When I am up and fairly normal and happy, he is wary and even scolding, because he thinks i'm going to "blow it" and crash again. It makes for a very unhappy life lately. When I am around him I feel sick, unattractive, boring and stupid, not because of anything he says or does specifically, but just because he does not look at or see me like he used to.

    My CFS has been worse over the last week, and he can barely relate to me at all. He hardly talks to me, just gets himself some food instead of us eating together, and doesn't even say goodbye when he leaves. He is also very irritable and it is as if everything I say or do gets on his nerves or is twisted in some way.

    When I am alone I feel more relaxed and accepting of myself. I feel less lonely when I am alone than when I am with him. Lately I just want to give up on my marriage. It is too much work to try to hold it together as well as my health.
  2. sisland

    sisland New Member

    Sorry to hear that your going through all of this with your marriage on top of CFS!,,,I'm no exspert but maybe you 2 could take a break from eachother for a couple days and see if it helps,,,,,,,Like say maybe dh could go camping or something like that,,,,,,

    It's very hard to communicate when someone has our DD's and doesn't feel up to doing a whole lot,,,,,,i'm praying that it all works out for you!,,,,don't give up hope!,,,,,,,,,,Sis
  3. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    ...many caregivers fall into. It is a sort of co dependency really, they cannot turn off the mode they are in.

    I think that the way to maybe help change things a little is to say "I want to try for an hour a day to do something special for you" if you are able to. This sometimes help turn the pages a little. Also there does come a time of resentment often-I see this is my SIL who cares for my brother, she gets pretty ratty, it is burn out more than anything else.

    I am a caregiver as well as being ill myself, and I have to really work at not being resentful at times.

    Maybe show him the replies here.

    Love Annie
  4. bevy2most

    bevy2most New Member

    I am sorry that you are in this situation.

    I try to take one evening a week just for hubby and I, I will plan a dinner, and we eat alone. If I don't feel well we will do something as simple as going to a fast food place.

    Sometimes I don't feel well, but I push myself to do something special for him. I also give a lot of hugs, and tell him that he means the world to me.

    DH says he is the most hugged man in the world.

    I hope your situation settles down for you, best of luck,

  5. pasara

    pasara New Member

    I hear you about trying to do something for him, take care of him, understand his resentment and take the load off for a while. Honestly, I spend A LOT of time doing this. I don't take him for granted, and try not to be demanding or needy. He really is just burnt and stressed out and tired. We both are. This dd is NOT FUN! and is not made for a frolicsome marital life.

    But I do really appreciate your understanding and words of encouragement.

    Now this -

    Yesterday husband told me he wanted to go see a counselor and for me to go with him. Then he said he was going to give my old therapist a call. I had an instant major anxiety attack. I saw this therapist for over a year, and she did help me, but I got to the point where I felt I had gotten all I could out of the therapy. The idea of going back to her is stirring up MAJOR STRESS! I don't know why. I guess it feels like a step backwards, and I associate her with major trauma in my life. I don't know how to explain this to my husband.

    Actually, just the idea of therapy sounds like too much stress. I understand it in theory, but my gut is wanting to run far far away. All last night I was feeling so stressed out about it I was dissociating, feeling like I was floating out of my body, a major regression for me! This morning he brought it up again, and same thing.

    I do want things to get better, and know that counseling is probably a good step. Why am I having this physical reaction?

    Thanks again. This has been a hard couple of weeks.
    [This Message was Edited on 06/20/2008]
  6. lilaclover30

    lilaclover30 New Member

    No, he doesn't but for just the opposite. I am the caregtiver and he doesn't like my illness. I am not certain whiy but it began when I was ill and not diagnosed.

    You see, he is a leg amputee, had heart surgery, wears a pacemaker.defib. He was in the hospital 19 days in Feb. and 15 in Aopriil, both with pneumonia. He has now advanced to a walker to get around. Gets around OK..

    Is he afraid that I will be too bad to take care of him? I am in so much pain from FMS plus a tailbone that apparently fallen apart plus rest of my back that's in pain.

    I told him that I will always be here to take care of him but I just cry because he doesn't think of little things that he could do for me. had many arguements over this and he doesn't understand or seem to care too. I ijust feel alone.

    Our chuildren live too far away and I just talk ion my cell to them.

    Enough about me. i do so hope that things can get better. I have a friend who is the same position as you - he works and works for her and wants her to get better.

    All my love and hugs.

    God Bless.

  7. Granniluvsu

    Granniluvsu Well-Known Member

    The idea that your DH wantas to go to therapy with you is a VERY good thing. Most or should I say many husbands wouldn;t want to go anywhere near a therapist whether it was for their wives, themselves or both.

    I am hnot sure why you are having panic attacks about it. I think youshould be happy about it. However, I am just wondering whether you should go back to your old therapist or a new one.? The answer to that question has to be answered by you dear.

    Either way please do go. It sounds to me like you both do need to go now to help you both through this terrible time. I would think that your old therapist would know your history and would know you better than anyone. You just have to really reflect on this and decide which therapist you want to go se and why you might be appreshensive about going to your old therapist.

    Please think about it really hard and let us know how things go.

    Love and blessings,


    [This Message was Edited on 06/20/2008]
  8. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I'd tell him that you think it is a good idea, but you would like to go to someone other than your old therapist. Tell him why. Tell him that it just brings up a bunch of old memories that you have put to rest.

    Tell him you love him and you want your relationship to work out too.

    Have you considered asking your doctor who treats your illnesses who he would recommend for your specific need???