Anyone feel inadequate as a housewife?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by baanders, Aug 2, 2006.

  1. baanders

    baanders New Member

    I sometimes feel inadequate as a know, pressure to be the perfect wife that I cannot be. To clean, cook, and be all ready with hair and makeup by the time my husband comes home from work. It may sound funny, but I feel unattractive. If I overwork and get stressed, then I'm wasted and too tired to go out in the evening and have fun...where do I draw the line?

  2. doxygirl

    doxygirl New Member

    Try not to be so hard on yourself!

    When your dealing with dd as we all are, wwe must all "listen" and "respect" our bodies limits!

    I honestly believe that attitude has a huge impact on how we survive with these dd............

    but that also means that when we can do no more........or have done as much as we can..................... we have to "accept" that as sufficent..............and learn to be comfortable with it.

    We all understand how you feel, and we are always here for you!

    Give yourself a break:)

    Hugs and more hugs
    [This Message was Edited on 08/02/2006]
  3. CrymznWych

    CrymznWych New Member

    It's hard to accept that you just can't do everything you once did, I still struggle with it from time to time. But it is a fact of our existence. It doesn't mean you can't still accomplish things, it just means you can't accomplish everything all in one day. Space out the chores you do, take time to rest during the day, too. Possibly avoid doing heavy duty housework on days you know you will be going out in the evening. Just keep in mind, you are no less a person now than before this illness, having limits on what you can do does not mean you are not contributing to the household. I assume your husband is understanding, and knows you have limits, so please don't take on stress you don't need.
  4. Lolalee

    Lolalee New Member

    When I was healthy and had 3 growing boys at home, a full-time job, church ministries, a husband who loved me very much but was learning how to be a husband, I was learning how to be a wife and I shopped, cooked, cleaned for all of us and I still did not feel adequate. I was always seeking that perfection which only existed in my mind. I never asked God what He had in store for me.

    Baander, when I got sick I let it go. I try to rest a lot - that is my priority. If I don't take care of me nothing else turns out right. I have given God my life and let him put it in order for me.

    Sounds simple. It is.

    [This Message was Edited on 08/03/2006]
  5. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member


    I have been wanting to write to you for awhile but I can't really do it write now because I really need to get in bed.

    I just had a baby and want to talk to you about that and I also can really relate to you about this subject too!!!


  6. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    But not on purpose or lack of caring.

    My illnesses does not allow me to do all that I really wish to do.

    I finally got someone that comes in once a week to clean, because I do care. I also do things at my home all the time.....that I can.

    Dear one you have to pick your priorities and do what you can and be gentle with yourself on what you can not do. Like I really do not like to have dirty dishes and keep them up, but rarely make my bed.

    I rarely have enough energy to go out, so it is not often that we do. But I have a understanding DH, and I am lucky there.

    I try and keep clutter cleaned up and throw away papers and all and things put away. I keep giving things away so that things are simplier to keep up with. Things have a way of multiplying and lots we do not use.

    So what I might consider un-necessary, might not be yours and vice versa. That is okay, but you have to make decisions on what you need and also get your rest and all.

    Love and Blessings.......Susan
  7. petesdragon

    petesdragon New Member

    A housewife has a house for a husband. You,my dear, are a homemaker. This means trying to make your home warm and inviting to those you care about. It does not mean a perfectly clean house. It does not mean dressing up for your husband as long as you are clean and wearing comfortable clothes. Your husband married you for your personality, not your looks (at least I hope so.)
  8. Seeseaisme

    Seeseaisme New Member

    I haven't posted anything for a long time, but was reading the message board and thought I'd reply.

    There was only one perfect person on this earth (Jesus). Years ago I struggled to be perfect. The perfect wife, mother,daughter, employee. It took me a long time, lots of therapy and lots of Rx drugs, to realize I am imperfect.

    We are all imperfect. Don't be hard on yourself. Get what you can get done, the dishes won't walk out of the sink, and the dust won't go away. It will all be there when you're ready to tackle it.

    Take life easy and find joy and peace in your day. My therapist tells me to have "happy hour" each day. This means 1 hr of doing what you enjoy. Take care of yourself, because no one else will. Lots of care coming your way.

  9. KMD90603

    KMD90603 New Member

    I don't think that you have to be superwoman to be a good housewife. Yes, it's great if you can cook, clean, and pretty yourself up before your hubby gets home. But if you can't, the world will not come to an end. Hopefully your hubby is understanding about your illness and that you do have limitations. If so, then he probably doesn't expect you to do all that stuff every single day.

    I do the best I can. Some days I feel well enough to do the cooking and cleaning, and I dress up a little for my husband. But, other days it's fend for yourself for dinner, the house is a mess, and I'm still in my jammies. My point is, he loves me either way. I'm sure he's happier to see me more lively and having more energy. But he accepts my limitations and that some days may be more difficult than others.

    Gentle hugs,
  10. PianoGirl

    PianoGirl New Member

    I actually had a list of my "chores" that i wanted to get done in a week so that my house was spic and span clean. Sometimes I wonder if I was OCD because there were times i was up at 2 in the morning, doing my kitchen floor on my hands and knees.

    That was many many moons ago. I've since relaxed my standards and now, my house is anything but clean and tidy. I just don't feel well enough to give it the cleaning it needs. I try to make sure my kitchen and bathrooms are clean in case someone comes to visit, but my bedroom is sometimes as bad as my teenagers rooms. The laundry is always piled in my room (clean or dirty) and the sweeper just doesn't get used like it should.

    Does it make me feel like a failure??? Sure does!!!! I feel like I am a lazy person. My husband keeps telling me that is not true but hey, going from martha stewart to this is a hard reality check.

    I wish i felt better to clean things. I wish I had a house worth being in good housekeeping but any more, it's impossible for me to handle. The kids and my hubby do their share, but not being ignorant, it's not done how I would have done it. I know that sounds mean, but i'm sure you understand.

  11. rosemarie

    rosemarie Member

    Having constannnnt pain has made an already lousy house keeper such as I to not do any thing because it hurts me.

    I was never the BEST housekeeper in the world it was closer to the worst one . And with the fibro and the rest of the pain issues I have that I quit trying to get my house clened up.

    So one day a neighbor of mine came and offed to help me clean my house. Not to get it perfect but to just amke it look better so that if there were visitors the house would look better and there would be a place for them to sit with out haveing to move a mountian of junk.

    She helped me adn the house has stayed better than ever BUT there is always clutter everywhere. I struggle with getting the living room picked up and vaccumed so it takes me for ever to do it. I will do a load of laundy when I fist wake up in the morning and then I need a rest so I take my meds and go to sleep for a few hours , then I put the clothes in teh dryer adn take them out and put them away.Adn WOW I haev done soem thing that day.

    Small yes , NOt much ture but at leat I did make the effort to start cleaning the hose.

    I still take it sowly adn only do one thing at a time. Take today. I need to pick up the junk fromteh living room floor and then bput everything in it;s place adn finally caccum the carpet. This will take me all day long to do.But it will get done today. NO I wouon't get the dusting done or the windows washed and I won't even have moved teh couches I I once wornld haev done to vaccum under them as I know that I cna't MOVE Them any more,That is something I need help with.

    So I will get my living room tidied up and that will make me feel better. I have to do small things baby steps my kids call it .and they don't think that i really get much done. "BUT MOM YOU ONLY LOADED THE DISHWASHER ADN UNLOADED IT. YOU SHOULD BE DOING THAT EVERYDAY AND IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. Well it is to me.

    I understand how you feel. I am not the wrfe I would like to be. I would love to get my house cleaned up and keep it that way .But I can't do it. The pain from over doing it would make it so that I couod do nothing at all for several days even weeks. So I pick and choose what I am going to get done this day. NOT what I will do tomorow but just for this day. I Pick out one thing be it a room , a load of laundry, loading the dishwasher .I may just do a small thing or I may get a room claend up but it will take me all day long to get this living room cleaned up. And it needs it as my daughter and SIL are spending the weekend here as he has guard.

    So I need to pick up things off the floor and get it cleaned up so that my 16 month old grandson does not thing he has to put things in his mouth. And play wiht the old papers on the floor. I also have to clean up the back bedroom and make it look good so that they will have a bed to sleep in. So It will take me all of tomorrow to get the bed made and the room clenaed up and vacccumed so taht Braxton will have a place to put his matterss on the floor and that the bed will be made for the kids to sleep in.

    But I don't do this every week. I Only do what I can do and I try not to feel guilty about not getttng every thing done.

    NO I am not the BEST HOUSE WIFE. But I am working on it. I have to first of all like who I am . I am not the 24 year old woman that my husband married and he is not what he was when we got married " thank heavens" We all change and grow up and some times we have things happen to us that is totally out of our control.

    WE can't chane what has happened to us , all that we can do and it is hard to do. Accept our selves for who we are.

    WE are knd understanding women. Yes we can't do all the house work that we once did. I can't work any more. But that does not change who i am. I am me. I Like to tole paint for fun and I like to visit with friends on the computer.

    I am still learing that while I can do the small things around the house I need help with the bigger things like say shampooing my carpets. But just becaues I can't do all that I once did does not make me bad or inadequaite{sp}. I am doing the best I can do. I have found or am trying to find a place in side of my head that will tell me that I am ok and doing all that I can. I am not who I as 20 years ago but then who is?

    I am learning that I haev to accept my slef for who I am now. Having fibro & MPS has changed my life. And there are things that I am unable to do. But just becasue I can't do them it does not make me a bad wife.I know who hard it is to see your slef not doing the things you ahev doine for years and it hurts, but now I have changed and I must find thheose things that I can do and do them withthe same pride adn goodness that I did with the rest of my life before fibro.

    Most of all I have to learn to like my self, while I don't like the ftique oor the pain, I nedd to like me. I foudn some ting that does work for me. I find 3 things each day that I Like about me. Things I can do or things taht are in my personallity. But when I find theswe things I can do I feel better about me. I am still a good person adn a good wife. It is just that life is a bit dirrenent now.

    HOld on to who you were in mind and soul. Learn to like the person you are now. You are lived and have many friends who understand how you feel. REachout and we will be here for you,. TAke your time when you do things, I have to set a time limit on what I can do. But I can say this for sure I was not the best house keeper before I had this fibro adn it has gotten better now becaues I have found that I feel that I need to at least keep one room clean at all times. That way I am doing something .

    I am learing to like me. It is so hard to like who you are when your hurting adn tired all the time. As I have said before my brain thinks that I can do any thing but it is my body who tells it that I can't do that now. I need to accept me, for me, I have found that as I look toward the future I find that there are many things I cna't do but what I have to look for are the things that I can do.
    MUch love to you.

    Sorry for all the smipelled words I don't have my glasses on as I lost the nose peice and they don't stay on .
  12. baanders

    baanders New Member

    Thank you all for your support!!! You all have been so kind. I do have a loving husband...he understands. I do beieve in all of this wonderful advice. Yes, there was only one perfect person on this earth...the Lord. We'll never match up to Him. Yes, I agree in doing things lightly...we have to listen to our bodies. Thanks for reminding me that I don't have to be perfect.

    Blessings to everyone!!!!
    Yours truly,
  13. baanders

    baanders New Member

    on your new baby. I would like to know how things are going...your struggles...your joys, your feelings and surprises along the way. I am so happy for you!

  14. pam112361

    pam112361 New Member

    Hi Baanders!

    I'll never be my husband's mother (wonder whose words those were?). This would basically be in the cooking department. Don't get me wrong. I can cook and do on Sundays.

    I work full-time and am gone from 6a to 5 or 6p M-F. I don't cook during the week. I eat a late lunch so I'm typically not hungry at night so I may have a snack. My husband will fix himself something to eat and he's become accustomed to it. That doesn't mean he enjoys it.

    He also doesn't know how to clean up after himself. Will not clean the stovetop. Dishes in sink instead of dishwasher. Trash on top of countertop instead of in trashcan in cabinet directly below. That's if he gets his dishes and trash to the kitchen. Otherwise, there may be several plates, glasses, cola cans, popcorn bags (you can proceed from here) on the table next to his chair, on the floor next to his chair, food in and under his chair.

    I do not clean up after him anymore. My daughter is most likely to because it drives her crazy. The problem is that she's moving out in January. I pray that God helps me keep my sanity because no one else will.

    He also won't clean up in the bathroom. Dirty sink, toothpaste/shampoo covered mirror, a shower I' afraid to even look in, not to mention the fact that he can't hit the toilet!

    Nothing makes me crazier than a dirty kitchen and bathroom. I tried for years before I got really ill to keep the house as clean as possible. Working like I do, I don't want to spend all weekend cleaning the house. His idea of cleaning is taking everything off the walls to dust, washing curtains and blinds and windows, cleaning baseboards, etc. I can't do it anymore. In his opinion, if I did it right it wouldn't have to be done every weekend. If I did everything he wants done, I'd be better off getting a job 7 days a week!

    So, to answer your question, no I am not an adequate housewife. I'm not an adequate anything at home. I do feel respected on my paying job and feel that I do a good job for my doctors. Although it shouldn't be a surprise, my husband can't understand why I'm tired when I get home because I just do deskwork!!! Hey, dipwad, I do "DESKWORK" for 13 people!!! I can't imagine why I don't feel like cleaning or working in the yard or going out when I get home.

    Sorry, that went into a total tirade. I'm obviously feeling a little bent out of shape with someone right now.

    Everyone have a good evening.

  15. baanders

    baanders New Member

    You work so hard!!! You shouldn't have to clean up after that mess! Have you considered hiring a maid once a week like the other lady did? I can't imagine what you're going through. I'm sorry.

    Best wishes and prayerful throughts,
  16. pam112361

    pam112361 New Member

    Hi Baanders! I wish I could afford a part-time maid. My husband can but I can't. I'm suppose to pay all of the bills and buy food with my paycheck so he can save money for retirement.

    We're doing pretty well. Our home is paid off. We have a new vehicle each with his nearly paid off. But you would think we live in poverty. HE will go grocery shopping once in a blue moon and want to know why I don't stock up on things like he does when he goes. His bill vs. mine is $350 to $120. Sure, the $350 goes along way in buying meat and canned goods but I can't do it and pay the other bills.

    The electric bill has skyrocketed, the water bill is up, the gasoline prices are killing me. By the time I get paid (after health insurance, some life insurance, retirement plan and any prescriptions I have taken out of my check) I do good to get 75% of the bills paid, buy the groceries, put gas in my car and have a little running money.

    Then he gripes because I haven't put enough away for all of the homeowners and car insurance. Yes, all big purchases are done by him and I'm proud of what he can do, but when you're bringing in $120,000 before taxes, you can do things like that. But then he gripes about my daughter and I wasting money. Wasting it on what?! I don't have anything to waste. We may go to a movie every once in a while, but I think we deserve it.

    But as for a maid, that would be money wasted because as long as someone is able to stand upright, then the housework can either be done or it can be dirty; we've got a choice.

    Sorry! Still bent out of shape.

  17. IEMom

    IEMom New Member

    I relate to you so much. I feel the same way. However, one thing I am doing is far worse than just feeling inadequate. I'm getting hostile towards my husband.

    I work too and we have two young children. I expect him to pitch in and help me out. THe thing is, he is a great father and he does help me out alot around the house.

    However, his standards aren't as high as mine. I tend to get angry at him if he isn't constantly helping out.

    I need to stop this before I completely drive him away. I feel bad about it, but can't seem to stop my bad behavior.
  18. KateMac329

    KateMac329 New Member

    Hi hon,

    I have NOT forgotten about you!!!! I have been having a really hard week.

    I was bitten by something and have a very serious infection on my leg now. I feel pretty weak and sick.

    Tonight when I came on here to update on my post and remembered that I told you I would talk to you.

    When I get to feeling better I promise I will get on here and talk to you. I really want to!!!

    ((((BIG HUGS))))

    Hope you are having a great weekend!!

  19. IEMom

    IEMom New Member

    You are so right. What is the point of life???? I often ask that of myself when I am freaking out over a messy house and loads of laundry.

    Isn't it more important that I had a fun day with my kids? I need to lighten up on my husband and just enjoy life!
  20. tlayne

    tlayne Member

    I used to feel bad, but now I just wish that I had a housewife! lol!

    I still mourn not being involved with my family as much as I use to be. I was always the one playing with all the children. It wasn't unusual for me to have 15 kids at my house (all the neices, nephews, grandkids, nieghbor kids, etc.) It is so different now. We had Pizza Hut for Easter dinner this year. Where before I had all the family over, and even friends and their families over.

    My dad died from cancer at 51 yrs old. I have always thought that when I leave this earth that I want to leave my love ones with good memories for them to hold onto. Now, if I can muster up the energy to stay up and have pizza with them it is an accomplishment.

    Better days are to come tho, I just know it! Hang in there all! Love, Tam

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