Anyone feel like they are less compassionate?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by lvjesus, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    My husband was very upset today because of something that happened at his work and although I felt bad for him, I did not feel like I used to. I know that is hard to understand.

    It seems I used to feel for people as if their pain was my pain. If people around me were sad, I was too. I am sort of obsessed with myself it seems, or maybe not. On the one hand I want to say that I am thinking constantly about resting or taking meds or whatever, you know, taking care of me, but on the other hand, I am still doing lots for my family and turning down little. Like, I might be mostly unavailable at night after work because all I want to do is lay on my bed and watch tv, but on Saturdays I take my daughter shopping or whatever she needs.

    I guess it might be normal to be a bit more focused on yourself if you are ill. I am not nearly as ill as many here. I struggle some with pain and fatigue, but am not completely incapacitated a large part of the time.

    I work full time and have not missed any days since getting sick again a few months ago and I do laundry, etc. I just worry that I am not being compassionate to others in my life because I want them to be compassionate to me, so I should reciprocate.

    I just don't pamper like I used to maybe. I maybe pamper me more and them less.... just interested in y'all's perspective.
  2. lsaxton65

    lsaxton65 New Member

    i am learning that this disease affects your emotions and it is hard for me to deal with. i used to care about people and their lives, but lately the only emotions i seem to express are frustration or a total blank.

    others who know me don't understand nor do i. i do think about myself alot more than i used to, but i think of myself as in "ihate my life" and wish it were different.

    at times i try to put forth an effort to be compassionate to others, but in the end it exhausts me.

    i am sorry you are having to deal with this too, i'm sure many others have had to deal with this same issue.

    i wouldn't feel bad about taking care of yourself...if you don't you may just fall apart. it's easy to become obsessed with our health because there are so many baffling symptoms to have to deal with.

    i am glad you are able to do the things that you do. iam not able to get out and do things. at least you have that.

    i wish you luck and sorry i was of no help...just wanted to show some support

  3. Honora88

    Honora88 Member

    I haven't been living in the past 2 years. I have been surviving and sometimes I feel insensitive to others.
  4. glenpr

    glenpr New Member

    It doesn't sound nice but, me, I am number one now. I just laid into a friend from way back that called because her cancer has come back and says no one has heard from me. Well I cannot deal with it anymore, my number is listed, no one has called me!!!!! I was there for her last time, and the other friend too, but, as one friend said to me I dont have time for this I have something real to deal with, and the other one who has a son in gene genetics would not even give me his email. So very coldly to hell with it. I have to look after me. They do not understand, nor do they even try. God bless you all.
    love glen
  5. colorfulcolorado

    colorfulcolorado New Member

    And yes I will have to admit I care but to a point. As you probably have heard in my writings I have a disabled husband and everyones focus is on him and I feel like I have been left in the dust! I hurt and in pain 95% of the time and my week off work was supposed to be fun(LOL). I've been on the couch most of the time in pain and I have so much to do! I have no sympathy from anyone in this family except my daughter, but she's not around very much. I know my son is extremely busy going back and forth to Iraq every other year and he has his own family to take care of but a phone call or an e-mail would be nice. And at work I have to smile when I really want to cry. Yes, at the present time and for awhile now I want someone who will care about me, or at least ask how I'm doing or run a bath for me or whatever. Maybe I'm just burned out with everything. And we have to pamper ourselves if no one else will...I buy flowers and come home and say "look what you bought me today!" We do what we got to do, right?
  6. lurkernomore

    lurkernomore New Member

    It's an emotion and I sort of feel as if I had to stop allowing those things into my life a few years ago. Too many times I got my hopes up, thought I'd found a friend who "got it," only to have my bubble burst when they ran for the hills as they realized I wasn't...normal.

    They'd want to go to lunch and I'd either been crashed on the couch or have a doctor's appointment. Only took a couple of times of me saying "I can't make it, but please don't give up on me yet," and they were never calling again. I guess they didn't hear the part where I asked them not to give up on me?

    Or the remarks, like "maybe if you exercised, followed this diet, tried this doctor, tried going back to work, got out more, took this supplement," just made me want to go into seclusion. So I have. Here I sit, numb and friendless, except for my husband, and that's too big a burden to put on him.

    I miss my life, I don't like the lack of emotions. But I don't have it in me anymore to stick myself back out there and make an effort to make new friends or try wrangling back old friends, because that would require me pretending that I am fine. One "old faux friend" said it best when she told me, "I miss the old friend you use to be for me." Yep, that makes two of us-that makes two of us! I'm sorry, I'm feeling very down tonight and this thread just burst open some flood-gates for me.
  7. glenpr

    glenpr New Member

    I understand colorful. I even feel guilty for it. But, no, not with this illness, we have to, no one else will.
    love glen
  8. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    UMM, yeah! In fact, I secretly cheer inside when my husband doesn't feel good...then, I say, inside of course, now mister, do all the laundry for 6 people (including a chronic bedwetter and a disabled person), keep the house neat, clean up the kitchen every time your piggy sons eat something, take care of the two cats and two dogs, and on and on....all while you don't feel good....

    oh, and i will be packing my suitcase because I will need too out of town for a of about six per year....

    oh...poor man with a fever....and body aches??that is a bummer...okay, bye! see ya in a few days!

    I would say that I have lost all compassion for certain people and sometimes even people I don't know....

    Can you tell my husband has been out of town for three days? Hmmmm???? and our sons got into trouble and had to be grounded? which means life is miserable for everyone....

    I am compassionless tonight.
  9. Missizzy

    Missizzy New Member

    I think I have the opposite problem. I've always "wanted to save the world" as my brother says. My husband and I have adopted so many children and he has stood by my side while we adopted special needs dogs too. There is so much agony and misery in the world and I am just heartbroken that I can't do what I used to do. I can't help being this way. Sometimes I wish I could turn a deaf ear and then I hear of another child or animal in crisis and I have to act.

    This illness has made me more empathetic, that's for sure. I used to sort of roll my eyes when someone told me they were fatigued or had chemical sensitivities. I remember thinking that they just needed to get out and do more volunteer work. Hah!! Now, I know exactly how they were suffering. I listen very carefully to people now and really hear and feel their pain. I also think that I can relate more to my special needs children's deficits as they closely mirror mine. We can actually laugh about them now.

    My goal is to figure out how to keep impacting the world in a positive way from my bedside. I am NOT going to give up on my dreams. This is not to say that I don't sometimes whine or shed a tear or two but this DD is NOT going to steal my spirit. It's like a line has been drawn in the sand!!


  10. wanderingbluedragon

    wanderingbluedragon New Member

    I don't even get upset when my kids get hurt any more. They come to me with a boo boo and I tell them to suck it up and put a bandaid on it.

    I left my job because I worked with people in crisis all the time. After I became sick, I lost my empathy and compassion for their problems (among other things).

    I tell everyone my pity button is broken. I feel bad and know this just can't be normal.

  11. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    Lisa, what you said struck a chord with me and was a good, thought-provoking comment. It makes sense to say that along with "blanking out" a lot of the time, your emotions might be "blanked out" as well. Much of the time it is my 14 year old complaining about EVERYTHING and when I am sitting staring at the tv with an empty brain, it is really not possible to listen when you are, frankly, tired of hearing how "wrong" everything is. She is a great kid, helps around the house, is smart, does well in school, etc, so it must just be that age that makes her complain so much. Many times I will say, do you have at least one good thing to say about _________ (fill in the blank). So much for the rabbit trail! Ha. Anyway, what I was trying to say is that it might be just another fibro fog thing where it is not that you don't care, you just don't have the energy or brain power to do anything about it.

    And it is not that anyone notices or has said anything and I try to be thoughtful, like yesterday I called him to ask if he was feeling better and after we talked he said he appreciated me talking to him and that he felt better. As for the daughter, she needs to be a bit less self centered and more compassionate anyway.

    Granny, I think you misread my post, but I appreciate your two cents worth and there is lots you said that can be helpful in other ways. What I was saying is not that I don't feel like others are compassionate to me, but that I am not compassionate to them. I had a remission, thanks to the Lord, for a year and a half, and this time around, my husband is much more quick to say he is sorry I don't feel well. He still has some anger issues when I have brain fog and am blanked out, like I might have some control over it or whatever.

    Sorry gang, I was to write more, but my laptop has wound up in the kitchen and there is way too much noise and carrying on right now. I must head back to my cave.

  12. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I used to care alot about things. In a way I still do, but I'm not as sympathetic to certain situations. I have zero tolerance for alcoholics and drug abusers. The kind who are healthy and just ruining their health on their own. They take their health for granted, and since I don't have mine, I can't have sympathy for anyone who deliberately ruins their own health.

    We can't help the world. We aren't meant to. And it's actually not healthy to make yourself sick worrying about it. Leave those things up to God.

    Some things seem minor now to me that seem like a big deal to other people. When you are ill, your perspective changes. I simply don't care as much about the small things.
  13. rachelle01

    rachelle01 New Member

    when your in constant pain all the time and its hard even to function, knowing you might be this way the rest of your life is a hard pill to swallow. It is a big deal for those of us living in this hell. Just because most of us look ok on the outside, everyone assumes we are just hypchondriacs. I have lupus/sjogrens/RA/Fibro and many other health issues, yet I still have to explain to people why I cant do stuff like normal tired of it.
    Many of my friends stopped calling too, but I guess if I had cancer, it would be a different story??? In fact, I know people with cancer that still get out and can enjoy life, while Im stuck in bed most of the day? I cant sympathize much anymore either..just pray they find some relief for all of the CHRONIC illnesses..
  14. lvjesus

    lvjesus Member

    I will agree that it is hard to think of much else when you always have pain and who is to say what is too much. Low grade constant or near constant pain in tiring, on top of being tired for tired's sake! It sucks. Pardon my french.

    Thanks Jeerie. I thought that must be so. We are thankful that she is so helpful, even if we have to ask her to do whatever she does. At least she does it without a huge attitude. Sometimes you can tell that she is less than happy about it but not outright disrespect. She has a lot on her, vitual govenor's school and honors English this semester and French, qeometry and science next. But she complained so much about govenor's school before she even started it really ticked us off. First and foremost, at least SEE how it is before you start saying you are going to fail, and #2, use your head to think about the fact that they can only take 15 ppl out of the 40 something that applied and realize that the people in charge are smart enough and experienced enough to have a feel for who can succeed and who can't!!!! ARGH!

    Anyway, she does not like it any better (reading a college level book in 9th grade) but is doing fine and in the long run, it will give her a leg up when she does go to college.

  15. ChyC

    ChyC New Member

    Even though I still feel compassion for others, I have found that I have had to distance myself from others. Thank God I have my hubby for he is my dearest friend in the world. His family understand that we can't have company very often because it takes so much out of me. Talking to my family who live so far away and I can't visit due to the fibro and what hand it's dealt me. So when I talk to them on the phone, I'm totally exhaused afterwards.

    So, I keep myself at a distance in order to have some quality of life. Friends of mine have for the most part have gone their own ways and I talk to them if I run into them when I'm out. Rarely do I get a phone call or a visit but it has helped me health wise. When we do run into each other it has become an treat for us. So some of them seem to know and understand that I have to my save place and that's my home.

    I have done my greiving on more days than I can remember and now I know and understand my limitations. I even have a doctor who writes in my chart any sypmtom that is new and strange. We discuss it when I see him and he is there to help when I am in need of it. Because I have lived with this for so long, nothing surprises me anymore. So when I sound like I'm indifferent, I'm really not.

    I do care and try hard not to sound indifferent. I understand what you are all feeling and care about you all even when it may not seem like I do.

    Hugs Chy

  16. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    I would say that it all depends on the day, the 'stage' if you will that I am in. In general, I'm an extremely empathetic person and very compassionate. I have always been proud of that.
    I HAVE to keep that somewhat 'in check' as I have children that I need to continually show a good example to. I will NOT ever regret my child-rearing, what I have instilled in them. Both of my kids have things they have to overcome and I know that their attitude about life will make a difference a HUGE difference in how their life turns out for them. SO on one hand, dealing with my own DD and my childrens' concerns makes me less tolerant of people's complaints of smaller things.

    There are definitely days that I just can't hear anymore.
    I do try to remember that everyone's problems are their problems and to them they are real and often big. If anything, I think I've helped more people in my life learn to be compassionate.
  17. Crispangel66

    Crispangel66 New Member

    I hate it but I have to admit it. I feel like people are just wining alot of times and that is not right. But when you feel like so many people thought that about you before it is hard mostly when those same people do the same thing.


  18. dragon06

    dragon06 New Member

    I definitely have less patience with people. Especially when it comes to common sense things.

    It drives me nuts when someone complains endlessly about something mundane like the sniffles.

    I have definitely lost some empathy.

    I have more of an "I don't care" attitude about stuff like politics and things like that.

    I think I still do have some compassion for it less? I don't know.
  19. homesheba

    homesheba New Member

    cause i have so many times
    said the same thing about me,
    and i couldnt figure it out.
    i do hate to see someone being made fun of,
    and i will not tolerate that at all!
    and i try and help sick and elderly,

    and i dispise animals being mistreated in any form!
    but other than that-

    its like i have just 'dulled' down somehow
    that i cant explain.
    its like all feelings have just been squashed inside of me...
    its like a brain thing.
  20. LuvQuilting

    LuvQuilting New Member

    but so true.

    I used to be the most compassionate person but living in pain everyday has made me irritable. I really don't care much anymore when people have problems although I make the attempt to say all the right things instead of saying, "ha, now imagine that for the rest of your life!! At least YOURS will go away."

    Since we have chronic problems I think that people just get tired of being compassionate towards us. They believe WE should just suck it up and get on with whatever life we can live. Part of that is true since we need to accept things instead of being angry forever.

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