Anyone have problems with your "real" emotions?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by MonteCar, Jun 26, 2003.

  1. MonteCar

    MonteCar New Member



    I was caught in alot of post-traumatic stress for years before my on-set of CFIDS set in. I've noticed through the years that my "real" emotions and feelings feel like they are boxed up so to speak. Anyways I was watching a movie today and I felt for the character because it reminded myself of the sort of situation I was in and I had this real-good crying type feeling like things were alright and I loved it, and for once in a real long-time it felt like my emotions were where they should be but unfortunately something else of a traumatic experience showed up in time to ruin it. I'm just wondering with the majority of you do you have a problem with your emotions and feelings being where they should? It seems like ever since being around the post-traumatic stress in my life it sort of takes out my real emotions and feelings and leaves you without them and you suffer with your chemistry being out of sorts so to speak. Today I sort of felt kind of at home for a short time and I miss being there, maybe I can get there again sometime. I think that I have quite a bit of mourning to release all the years of pain and suffering.

    MonteCar
  2. chickadee

    chickadee New Member

    With me, it's like I don't have any emotions - when I should be happy, I'm not. When I should be sad, I'm not. When I should be angry, I'm not. I'm like "whatever". I guess I have this wall up to not feel anything so that I don't hurt anymore. I know this sounds like depression but I'm not depressed or at least I don't feel gloom and doom, I just don't seem to feel anything.
    Anybody else?
  3. victoria

    victoria New Member

    in '94-'96 due to too many highly stressful and lifechanging events ... but find I'm still really emotional in general, and it doesn't have to be about things that had to do with the PTSD - anything too sad on TV will do it even. My CFS came along slowly as my system went down from overdrive to underdrive, dx'd with CFS by '98.

    even tho I'm doing better than in '98, I find I'm still really emotional - even worse, if I'm really angry, the release of emotion is so strong I end up in tears. Doesn't help me deal with a situation at all at that point, and have to literally walk away. Went thru therapy in '95, but altho I was able to come to terms with 'stuff', it hasn't helped this reaction. But I've heard that hyperemotionality often comes along with CFS.

    Don't have any answers other than to not try to avoid the emotions as it only makes them worse, according to my psychologist husband.

    Victoria
  4. Iggy_RN

    Iggy_RN New Member

    I can relate, I feel like a robot going through life ever since this illness. I think the real hard part why its hard for us, is that I think very few can even have a glimpse of the s*** we go through, even those that love us. I just play the game in life that I feel fine even when I'm not. Deep down in my heart, I feel like its breaking, because the person I am now is nowheres near the person I was.............................. I hate it. Iggy
  5. Myth

    Myth New Member

    I am rather blah.... I am not happy nor sad. I don't really get excited. Somtimes when a emotional response is called for I have nothing to give. It is like being on automatic pilot, I do what I should but feel rather indifferent to the whole thing.Which is good, my health and life are going downhill but I keep trudging along. I don't hope that it will get better nor do I think it will get worse and most of the time I avoid thinking about the future all together.
  6. Dara

    Dara New Member

    I always have, even as a child. I had a lot of things happen in childhood that I have kept hidden from everyone, even therapists. Yet, I was diagnosed with PTSD so maybe I don't hide them as well as I think I do.. I feel like nobody knows the "real" me, except me. It would be too embarrassing for me to open up and share the childhood trauma's I went through. Logically, I know that it is not the fault of the child, but even though I know that, I can't help but feel shame.

    Dara
  7. Jen F

    Jen F New Member

    but, perhaps it's more healthier that I do. I am definitely in touch with my emotions, my problem is more that I am overwhelmed by them.

    I have a number of family relationship problems right now, bringing me much pain. NOthing like a severe chronic illness, death in the family, and money in the Estate to bring out the cracks in family relationships.

    I find myself, now, as an ill person who requires assistance, frequently disappointed with my family's help or lack therof. My mother helps with some money - my income is low, but, I don't feel like she is there for me much anymore with emotional support. Her lifestyle, other than an extremely stressful job, is 100times more comfortable than mine. Unfortunately, she lives across the country from me and I don't think she can handle my illness anymore. She doesn't phone anymore and from previous experience I can say she is the type of person that if she doesn't see what's going on in my life right in front of her with her own eyes, it's easy to forget about me. I feel resentful when I hear about how much money she and her husband spend on entertaining friends, or in luxuries when I am suffering and need a lot of things.

    Tonight I was very upset and would have liked to turn to her, but realized it would be fruitless. She has her own problems right now and doesn't want to hear more of mine. This makes me so sad as I would like to be closer with her, and I could help listen to her problems as well, but I really do need more giving on her part. I don't want to be the mother, I WANT a mother.

    I have been really struggling with the intense heat [heat emergency] in our city. It has been 42 with the humidex [that's about 108 F] and I cannot tolerate that kind of heat. I need someone to install my kitchen air conditioner to make my kitchen and living room bearable. I cannot lift something that heavy myself, nor do I know how to install it properly. In fact, right now because of neck and arm problem I can't lift or pull anything more than a couple of pounds!

    It is so frustrating for me to be dependent on other people. I am uncomfortable with strangers being in my apartment because my place is a bit of a disaster - I am not able to keep up with the housework due to extreme fatigue, and now the addition of my new problem making my functioning even worse, my apt is worse. So, I asked my father - who lives 4 hour drive away and a friend of mine if either could install the kitchen AC for me. I asked in advance of the heat wave our city was expecting. My father said he was not planning on heading this way and hoped somebody else could help. My friend agreed to help, but wouldn't be avail for a couple of days.

    Then when the day came for my friend to help out, he got caught up in something and couldn't make it over, so said would come by tomorrow. Then the next day it was the same, he'd come by tomorrow. Now we are at 4 "tomorrows".

    I have been suffering for 3 days now and feel like there are few places for me to turn. [Perhaps I should get a professional company to come in here and do a professional job, but I worry about the cost and I hate having strangers in here because they don't understand my situation and I am really embarrassed about my messy and cluttered apt.]

    I am upset with my friend - our friendship is sort of coming to a head - we often clash and I realize we just don't mesh well together. So, it's sad and difficult for me to come to a realization and perhaps new dynamic in the friendship [or lack thereof].

    Then, early this evening my father calls me today because he is worried -

    about whether or not I can do a favour for him. Not so much about me, it seems. I guess he's oblivious to what's been happening in my city with smog alert and heat emergency. And he is busy screwing up his own life, er, I mean trying to sort out his own life.

    I am hurt that he chose to move so far away from me when he should have known that I need help on a regular basis.

    Both of my parents are still young enough to help me physically, if they wanted to. And I hope and pray that when THEY need help that I will be better so I can help them. I feel that their help right now would be an investment in their future. the more help I have now to move towards better health and improved functioning, the better chance there is that I can care for them when they are older.

    There's also my aunt, who after inheriting over $100,000 thwarted the timely payment to me of my small inheritance from my grandfather because she was in dispute with my father and thought I'd taken his side. After 2 years, I had to involve a lawyer and go to court to get my money - the majority of which has already been spent on medical expenses. so, now my aunt and I don't have a relationship. She is in a position to help me, but does not. We were close before the fights started about the will and the rift is a sad loss for me.

    So, now I feel like I have no family to help me, and no friends that can help with something like air conditioner installation, cause most of my friends now are others who have CFS and FM! They are the people who can relate to my situation and my problems.

    It's times like these - needing a service that I can't do myself - when I feel so dependent on others and that scares me. Being dependent is certainly not a position of power and opens one up to potential abuse. In my opinion it's because my friend knows that 'my back is against the wall' that his treatment of me has taken a downturn. His behaviour/attitude speaking to me tonight just makes me want to tell him to get lost and forget about it, I will figure something else out. What? I don't know yet. But, I have some pride left, for goodness sakes. I fear for my future when I have no cash reserves and only the dis income which barely covers rent and food. What will I do then when I need help with lifting things, air conditioning installn, etc? In the case of my current apt, AC is not a luxury, it is a medical necessity. There will be even less room for pride and I will be even more dependent on others.

    When I am feeling really sick like I have been, it's hard for me to deal with people I don't know well [and who have no knowledge of CFS] and arrange services. so, when I can't rely on even family or friends to help, I get very down and upset.

    Times like those I wonder how I can continue to cope and i sometimes feel overwhelmed with worry and depression, loneliness and fear.

    People ARE interested in meeting me and being friends - on the rare occasion when I can go out socially I often meet people who like me. BUT, I am unable to get out regularly and that's a real problem when it comes to making/keeping friendships. so, I have very few really close friends. I have some acquaintances and some long term friendships with people who now live out of town, and then there's my CFS/FM friends...who all have many problems to deal with too.

    Anyhow,...
    hope it's okay that i vented here in this forum. When I read that you guys feel numb, for me, that seems preferable to the stress and emotional pain I do feel, but I gather the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and usually in psychology, iirc, feeling is a further step than numbness?

    Do any of you with Chronic Fatigue ever feel scared about being dependent on others for your comfort and maybe even survival?

    I worry for my future. I can't expect to inherit from either parent and once my little money is gone, if I'm not well enough to work, that's that. And although the social assistance for disability here is generous, it is not enough for the alternative treatments/suppplements/etc that we with our physical problems find helpful. So far the alternative methods seem to be the way some people are achieving cures/remissions.

    Worried for my future,
    Jen F

    P.S. For you PTS people, I'm sorry for your years of pain and suffering
  8. franners

    franners New Member

    Emotions..... I think mine went that away......>
    I am mostly numb and have to try to think of how other people around me are feeling. If I don't do this I am afraid (see I do have one it's fear) I will lose everyone around me. My significant other (boyfriend-trucker, king wanna-be) and I have lived together for 6 years. He has been wanderful. He gets so peeved about my care and the trickling down of friends and family through all of this. So I have tried so hard to not talk about how I feel and ask them how they are. It is very hard cause they ask "what the hel_ has happened to you?" I just smile and say life.
    But I do not really feel anything right now.. I did has anger until an increase in my neurontin and for the past two days I have had no feeling. I drove to McDonalds the other day and was in the drive thru at the window waiting in park. I was bumped into by the young lady in the back and had a scrape on my bumper of my Escape (very pretty yellow). She was so scared I just smiled and she cried. Poor little girl I felt bad for her her baby was crying and she got distracted. But her insurance is buying me a new bumper because mine has a scrape that is barely visable. I told the girl not to report it...Oh well, but I guess we have to fake our emotions to fit in.
    Best wishes
    Fran
  9. marykello4

    marykello4 New Member


    Hi.....I think I know what you mean. I have not been able to cry for years. Not even when my darling brother died. At times I feel as though I could cry,but it stops in my throat, and other times I feel if I start crying i will never top. What a dope i am. Maybe we both should have a good cry. Of you figue this out let me know....Thanks, Mary
  10. ~Cel~

    ~Cel~ New Member

    My emotions have been out of whack since this whole thing started. I can be feeling fine and happy one second, then nervous and anxious the next. I feel like crying for no reason at odd moments. And if I get angry, I start crying too, which is sooooo frustrating!!! Sometimes I get real mad at my son for the littlest thing and I feel so bad afterwards. I think that's the hardest thing for me, some days I have zero patience.

    Jenf, I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much right now. Where do you live? What if you called the hospital, maybe they have a service where they send someone out to help you with house chores and things like that, someone who knows about CFIDS? It might be hard making the first step, but then at least you would get some help. Could that be a possibility for you?

    Hugs,

    Celine
  11. suz41

    suz41 New Member

    Dear MonteCar:
    Sounds to me like your at some sort of transtion point in your life regarding your emotions. I have FM & a seizure disorder but am also a practicing therapist. When our emotions begin to surface as yours did during the watching of the movie I really believe that your mind/body is trying to tell you something. Perhaps you are at point where you need to and you sound like you want to get in touch (cliche) with your inner self. Are you in any type of counseling for your PTSD there are many really good counselors who are trained to help specifically in that area. Additionally I would suspect your PTSD is placing additional stress in an already stresful condition. Sounds like you may be ready to take the next step. Best of Luck. lets us know how you are doing. Suz41
  12. pooped

    pooped New Member

    I think what I feel is total isolation. The feelings are there but normals wouldn't understand anyway so I feel like I am alone in this world and tend to shut my feelings off. It feels like I am walking around in this bubble, like I am there but no one can really see me. Even in a crowd I feel alone except for my constant companion, PAIN. I smile when I am suppose to and laugh when I am suppose to and interject when I am suppose to but the pain is always there and keeps me from really becoming involved, hence: lack of feeling most things like joy and happiness because I hurt so bad. Does that make sense? I will whisper a prayer for you.

    LOVE, POOPED
  13. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I tend to suffer from PTSD when awful things happen. Therapy has been a great help to me in the grieving process and in relearning how to feel healthy again. My therapist said when we are sick over a long period of time, we forget how it feels to be a well person. She used hypnotherapy to help me get back in touch with the "real" me and not the "sick" me.

    Good luck.

    Love, Mikie
  14. suz41

    suz41 New Member

    Mickie:

    I agree with your point, the I have afew colleagues that are PTSD specialist, most of them use hypnotherapy. It allows the person to come through the trauma in a more relaxed state. I am not formally trained in hypnotherapy but I aoften use deep relaxation and guided imagery with people who have experienced trauma.

    Suzanne

  15. elaine_p

    elaine_p New Member

    One reason for not feeling *could* be depression. Hey, we've lost our selves, what's not to be depressed about?

    But another reason could be simply fatigue.

    I don't think I suffer from this--instead I can't control my reactions and sometimes the slightest thing will make me explode, or something on TV will make me cry that probably wouldn't have before. I attribute that to the fatigue and out-of-whack neural transmitters....
  16. suzanne

    suzanne New Member

    EMOTIONS- What are they I don't seem to know anymore. I want to cry but can't, want to be angry at the people around me who think FMS is all in my head and they want nothing to do with me, can be angry then cant. I can't seem to find the meaning of happness anymore. Forgot what it REALLY feels like. My husband put a large dent all along the side of our car the other day and all I could say was "Whatever" I felt no emotions. I also suffer from PTSD. But since I have been told I have FMS and family thinks I am crazy and won't have anything to do with me I am not the same person.
    I have not emotions. There is the odd day one or two tears will come and why I don't know. Then the wall comes up and I feel nothing. To protect myself from the cruel people around me???? and not to feel the pain I suffer everyday in my body.
    I just want to be able to feel again.

    Soft Hugs to al of you

    Susan
  17. klutzo

    klutzo New Member

    ...but,I think it is a very specific type of fatigue...adrenal fatigue.
    Those of you who are too emotional, and that includes me, are in the resistance phases of adrenal fatigue.
    Those who can't seem to feel anymore are in the exhaustion stages of it.
    Do a websearch on adrenal fatigue or go to Dr. Poesnecker's chronicfatigue website and you will be amazed at the symptoms that are part of this problem.
    This can be treated, and must be treated for our conditions to improve, and there are many posts in the previous post section here about it.
    Klutzo
  18. scottabir

    scottabir New Member

    The worst problem I have with emotions is I don't laugh enough. It seems to take something EXTREMELY funny to make me just crack a smile. Yet I am not all that depressed of a person, I have ALWAYS been this way. Some people also think I am cold hearted because when it comes to loved ones dyeing it doesn't bother me. I usually just shrug my shoulders and walk on. Yet I am a very sensitive person..I'm all screwed up :)

    Abi