I have never posted to this board before and I'm not sure how much I am like or not like you. I have a combined problem of social anxiety disorder and depression, both have plagued me my entire life. My childhood was not easy, my father was an alcoholic and was extremely critical, I was never accepted by the kids at school and did not have siblings close to my age to relate to, my only friend as a child was my labrador retriever. I grew up having never shared my feelings with anyone else, only writing them on paper, and feeling disconnected from the world like I always had my hands pressed against a store window, but could never enter, living life removed from it. I have been depressed since last December, I have been married for 6 years but never opened up to my husband about how sad I can get and how hard it is for me to be around other people. I've gotten to the point with my depression that I couldn't really see a value in moving to the next day, it is like all of my five senses became dull, life became dull, and I would and do cry at the simplest things. My husband and my personalities are so different, he can be controlling, and I have always been weaker/more submissive, I tend to lose myself around other people and have felt like I have been slowly erasing myself. I am now seeing a therapist for the anxiety and depression and am starting to look at how to make my life better, but I think my marriage has ended and it is weird to think of finally starting my life at 30 and correcting all the errors I made. All my life I have thought to be happy it was as simple as pleasing other people, but I never please myself, and I never go after what I want. I want to open up sometimes. I remember opening up to the few sort of friends I had as a kid and them reacting like I was crazy and then not wanting to do it again. Part of me feels like to be the real me, I have to be totally alone. Part of me feels like I'm crazy sometimes, and part of me just doesn't want to feel anymore at all and sometimes I just feel hollow. I'm just curious if there is anyone else out there that can relate to this, that has tried to please other people, but feels empty inside most of the time, and feels sad but doesn't know how to express it, and feels like they are breathing underwater sometimes. Life to me sometimes feels like a game of jump rope and the rope is always moving too fast for me to jump in. I know I need to change and then part of me fears that no one will like the real me, but I can't keep being a simulation of what a person ought to be and not a person.