anyone like me out there

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by oceanic99, Nov 20, 2004.

  1. oceanic99

    oceanic99 New Member

    I have never posted to this board before and I'm not sure how much I am like or not like you. I have a combined problem of social anxiety disorder and depression, both have plagued me my entire life. My childhood was not easy, my father was an alcoholic and was extremely critical, I was never accepted by the kids at school and did not have siblings close to my age to relate to, my only friend as a child was my labrador retriever. I grew up having never shared my feelings with anyone else, only writing them on paper, and feeling disconnected from the world like I always had my hands pressed against a store window, but could never enter, living life removed from it.

    I have been depressed since last December, I have been married for 6 years but never opened up to my husband about how sad I can get and how hard it is for me to be around other people. I've gotten to the point with my depression that I couldn't really see a value in moving to the next day, it is like all of my five senses became dull, life became dull, and I would and do cry at the simplest things. My husband and my personalities are so different, he can be controlling, and I have always been weaker/more submissive, I tend to lose myself around other people and have felt like I have been slowly erasing myself. I am now seeing a therapist for the anxiety and depression and am starting to look at how to make my life better, but I think my marriage has ended and it is weird to think of finally starting my life at 30 and correcting all the errors I made.

    All my life I have thought to be happy it was as simple as pleasing other people, but I never please myself, and I never go after what I want. I want to open up sometimes. I remember opening up to the few sort of friends I had as a kid and them reacting like I was crazy and then not wanting to do it again. Part of me feels like to be the real me, I have to be totally alone. Part of me feels like I'm crazy sometimes, and part of me just doesn't want to feel anymore at all and sometimes I just feel hollow.

    I'm just curious if there is anyone else out there that can relate to this, that has tried to please other people, but feels empty inside most of the time, and feels sad but doesn't know how to express it, and feels like they are breathing underwater sometimes. Life to me sometimes feels like a game of jump rope and the rope is always moving too fast for me to jump in. I know I need to change and then part of me fears that no one will like the real me, but I can't keep being a simulation of what a person ought to be and not a person.
  2. rigby

    rigby New Member

    I can understand your feelings but I did have a brother and sister so I could relaid on. I don't handled change in any way I guess from all the moving and going back and forth to my parents houses. I don't have any real friend the few I did have all died of cancer. Like my animals. My children two don't even treat me all that good. I just live my life from day to day and try and reach a little goal that day
  3. oceanic99

    oceanic99 New Member

    Rigby,

    You sound so sad too. I feel sad for you, I always feel sad for other people, hate the thought of someone else suffering. Why don't your children treat you well? I think for me I have to see a value in myself, I know I have to start saying no to people, start standing on my own. I guess I have to think it is ok to say no. Please be kind to yourself, I sense that you are good. It was comforting to hear that I was not alone, but I felt sad for you and that was not comforting.

    Peace,

    Oceanic99
  4. puppyfreak

    puppyfreak New Member

    Hi!

    First, it's very brave of you to reach out when it's something you're not used to doing - I was an only child, adopted by dysfunctional parents, and learned very early not to trust telling anyone my feelings.
    So it takes a lot of courage to seek help and actually talk about those feelings!
    And when you see your job in life as only taking care of others, you short-change yourself. But you need to take care of yourself before you can truly meet others' needs.
    I also find a lot of comfort in knowing that, although I'm not perfect, neither is anyone else, and all I can do is my best each day. I'm not responsible for others' feelings or taking care of them - in the end, it's only MY part that I have to answer for.
    Take heart - you're moving in the right direction for you!

    Char
  5. Anuraagii

    Anuraagii New Member

    Please consider going to Alanon. If you stick with it you'll find your answers there. I'm making that suggestion based on the fact you said your father was an alcoholic. Alcoholism affects us without us ever knowing it..prior to Alanon I felt the exact same way you do.

    Hugs

  6. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    I'm very proud of you for taking steps to make your life better. You may also want to post on the depression board at this same site.

    You indicated that you are seeing a counselor. I'm assuming that you are also taking an antidepressant.

    I sense that you are on the brink of many wonderful, yet scary changes in your life. You are doing the right things. You are evolving. The struggle is well worth the effort. I'm very proud of you. Joyfully
  7. fairydust39

    fairydust39 New Member

    I am sorry that your life is so lonely!! I don't have any friends either.Growing up the youngest of 6 children and much younger than the others--I didn't have a relationship

    with them. After my 1st marriage ended,I thought that my life was over.I had 4 children to raise alone. A lot of yrs. later I met the man that I'm married to now and I

    know that God sent him to share my life! He is a loving and wonderful husband and I thank God everyday for him. Don't give up b/c there is someone waiting to share your

    life.My children all live a long distance from me and I don't see or hear from them often. I think your problem and mine is: we are too sensitive and have our feeling

    hurt too easily.Yes I get depressed too but when I feel depressed;I pray and ask for Gods help in my life. It always works for me.
    Hugs Shirley
    [This Message was Edited on 12/03/2004]
  8. lindasue

    lindasue New Member

    Dear Oceanic:
    You just wrote my story!! I cannot believe everything I read was just like I was saying it to someone!!

    I too came from an alcoholic family, abusive and I was the baby, (told at a very young age..."The mistake"!! My 2 sisters are 10 and 14 years older than me. And I didn't live with them while I was growing up...I lived with my Grandparents from the time I was 4 until I was 11. And that was very difficult. I felt very "un"loveable.

    I had very few friends.....if any. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in..(I can just picture my hands pressed on that same window!)...
    No one could come to my house because our family had such a bad reputation. I was made fun of by many kids, and felt so much hurt and pain as a little girl.

    Then, as an adult I starting making terrible choices and paid a huge price for them!! I chose to drink and do drugs for quite a few years.....been clean and sober 15 years on Dec. 22, 2004......But I still have guilt and shame about the damage I did to other...ie, my children, ex husband, etc.

    AND my best friend was my dog as a child..I lived out in the country in North Carolina, so I brought home every stray animal I found...and even today I have a dog and cat that I know will always love me "no matter what or who I am".....

    I was ALWAYS afraid that once people "really" found out who I was, they wouldn't like me anymore!! I still get those feelings today sometimes......I have sabotaged some wonderful relationships because I "knew" they would leave me first if they saw "that part of me".....As I said in the begining, "the Mistake".. "Unloveable".....

    I also know the empty feeling, like a shell...and I can cry at the drop of a pin!!! I have now told people that crying is "my job". lol........That "God gave me that gift and I need to cry.....(I was told not to cry as a child, I would be given something to cry about, or that I was JUST too sensitive"!!!!! I hate hearing that.......I am very sensitive.....but that isn't always bad, because I am also sensitive to OTHER people's feelings!!

    I have had to go through a LOT of therapy, and unfortunatlly when we get too close to the problems...I quit! I'm now with a therapist that is nurturing and I'm learning to trust her! Most of them I pushed away......just like I did with others in my life.

    There was sexual abuse in my childhood and this I carried around inside like a big bag of rotten garbage.....I felt so ashamed, about WHO I was!!! I really felt like it was my fault! I do know better today, however the damage that was done is still inside of me......BUT IT IS NOT ME!!

    I've had people tell me in a 12 step group, that they are going keep loving me and teach me to love myself. Well, I'm 55 and still trying to love myself. I'm getting there.

    Now with getting as sick as I've been with Fibro/Epstein Barr, and the physical pain I am in.....It is hard to love me......I sometimes feel like such a loser!! People not beliving that I am as sick as I am.....or that I am just weak!!!! Doctor after dr poo-pooing my illness....A lot of people acting like it is just in my "head"........Let them live just 24 hrs. with the pain we have to go through and they would quickly change their minds.......It's so discouraging sometimes....but the wonderful people here help me so much!!!!!

    It has also been a pattern in my life to chose some really bad relationships with men......Oh my gosh!!! I've been through some real dilly's!!!!! I guess the saying "the sick are magnets to the "sick", is true! I've sure had enough of them attached to me...lol

    But Oceanic, there are some good things that can come out of this......well, at least what I am trying to do for "me" today that is starting to help...The biggest thing for me was to realize that moving closer to God (I can just say that is what is working for me today....I am not trying to push God on anyone, I'm just saying, for me, that He is calling me closer)and through Him I am starting to feel some peace and dependence on Him.

    And for you to reach out and write, asking for help!!Such a VERY brave move!!! It isn't easy to say or admit that you feel weak and "less than" others! Especially in this society today!! Everything is supposed to be "Strong" & "BEAUTIFUL"!!!!! Televison, magazines, etc. tell us that!!!! So it is only reasonable that when we DON'T feel beautiful on the inside....how in the heck can we keep "pretending" to be beautiful and happy on the outside....It's an outside (superficial) world!! And very few want to or have time to listen to how we really feel..
    "WE are depressing....it brings them down".....To heck with "them" I say!!! lol

    This board has been a blessing in my life.....And I have even at times felt rejection here......but it's about how I look at things said.........not at all about how they are really meant.......I have a problem with how I precive what others are saying........remember....I was a "MISTAKE"!!

    But you are strong, and again, "brave" enough to put yourself out here......asking for help!!! That's the good news about "who you really are"!!! And it is a privledge for me to meet you!!!! You helped me by writing your post!
    I get to look at myself and understand more, that I can be brave just like you!! And that perhaps something that I might say to you could possibly help.....You have helped me!!

    One more thing......I applaud you for recognizing, at 30, that you CAN make changes......NOT regarding who you are, because you are beautiful inside and out.....but where you are in your life!!! And you are willing to step up and make changes in that area!!! Bravo to you!!

    This is the Fibro board and we haven't talked much about this DD, however I do belive that what I have gone through in my life has been a catalysis in my getting so ill....along with some physical traumas!!!!

    I hope that you do not have Fibro...but if you do..this is a wonderful place to be! The people are so helpful and understanding......AND they listen!!!!! Even when I babble on like this.....lol

    God Bless you Oceanic, and you will be in my prayers and thoughts!

    Thank you again for writing your post....I'm sure many, MANY here have been on the same road that you have traveled!!

    May the rest of your journey be less rocky!!
    Have a Blessed and Merry "Christ"mas!!!!!
    Love and (((((((((hugs))))))))
    lindasue







  9. Fibrolady37

    Fibrolady37 New Member

    Hi there,
    i"m new to this site & only started using it today.
    I"m so sad to read your post,i really am.
    I have cfs,fibro,ibs,sygrens syndrome & also have asthma,allergic rhinitis & very severe depression.
    I can relate to you & how youre feeling because i"ve had very serious depression for the past 10 years.
    I want you to know that if you ever need a friend whether to vent or anything else you can mail me & i"ll help if i can.
    Just knowing that there"s someone here for you may make things bit easier for you,i sure hope so.
    Remember you"ve got a new friend just waiting to help you.
    Take care fibrolady37.
  10. carebelle

    carebelle New Member

    I read your post and wow you are very good at writeing your feelings down .Thats a real talent to be able to put into words feelings.Stay with the boards I think you will not only help yourself but with your writeing you will be able to help others to.
    I also deal with depression FM and CFS .I also had a mental breakdown about 7 years ago.I started reading these boards just a few short weeks ago .I post alot on the CFS and FM board.That has really helped me.I am pretty much a homebody because of Illness so I will be on daily unless the computer goes down or Im going threw a really hard health day.
    If I can help let me know .Your writeing is VERY good keep shareing and have a good good evening.You can read about me on the other board just click on my name.
  11. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    Reading all of these posts has been very good for me. I need to see beyond the surface of people in my life and find out if anyone has these same feelings. Luckily, I had a happy childhood that caused me to trust the world and feel good about who I am. At the same time, I am the like each of you, as I cry so easily and my heart is touched whenever I hear of the injustices in the world and the troubles of others. I don't want to be the kind of person that ignores things because they are too painful.

    Oceanic, I had the same thoughts as the writer right before me. You have the knack of writing in a way that makes your feelings clear. I wonder why you chose the name oceanic? Please answer me. I have Fibro so badly now I am not able to go out much and would like to have friends on the message board. Jana
  12. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    I think I must do something wrong in my posts, as I don't think anyone has ever commented back to me on anything I say. I am including the FM, depression, and general health boards. I don't think I belong here and should either go to chit chat or some general board. I do have FM. The one time I really needed someone to talk to me, a few did, so why am I complaining? Everyone have the best 2005 you can...Jana
  13. oceanic99

    oceanic99 New Member

    Hello Janal,

    Sorry I did not reply to your post sooner. This week has been a big week for me, I moved out of my house I share with my husband on New Years day, so I have not been very good about to responding to my e-mails, I do apologize. To answer your question, I choose my name, because I have always loved the ocean. There is something that is both peaceful and cathartic about water. When you look at an ocean, be it Pacific or Atlantic, you see that expanse of blue water that seems to reach forever and I find peace in the feeling I get when I look at it. I am not so much into sailing, as just looking at the water. I do not know if that makes sense.

    I must confess that I posted to the incorrect board originally, I had thought that I had posted to the depression board, was fairly certain of it, but then realized that I had posted to the Fibromyalgia board. I suffer from social anxiety and depression, but have no physical pains. I am able to go to work and go through the motions of life, there is just an emotional void, because I have difficulty making friends because of my shyness.

    -Oceanic
  14. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    I have never lived near an ocean, but we always have our vacations on the ocean.

    So you did make the move? I wonder what you will do now. Do you have a job so you will keep living in the same area? I think you are very brave. On the other hand, it might be a big adventure of discovery of yourself. It sounds like you have always listened to others instead of yourself.

    I have been married for 40 years and that was one of the smartest things I ever did. I am lucky because my husband is not the sort to boss me around, but has always backed me up when I used to try new things.

    Maybe, if you like, since you are good with words, you could keep a little book with the things in it that you find out about yourself. The things you are able to cope with that you might have thought you couldn't. The things YOU like to eat although you have always fixed the things someone else likes to eat. The best of luck on your story! Life sure is never boring though it can be so tough.

    Jana...Post other times if you want to, I would love to read what you do!
  15. ginnyws

    ginnyws New Member

    Please go to the EFT website, emofree.com, and download the free manual. I think it could be a big help to you.

    Cheers,

    ginnyws
  16. tiredintampa

    tiredintampa New Member

    Oceanic, You are most certainly NOT alone. I am bored with my own story, but I do have some comments, suggestions for you:

    1) Annuraagii suggested you attend Alanon meetings, which is a great suggestion. Since you are now an adult, I also strongly suggest you try to find an ACOC (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) meeting if possible. I attended Alanon meetings for many years, and certainly related well to everone and what they were saying, but for me, the most help came when I attended ACOA meetings. I had to travel more than 20 miles to get to one, but it was well worth it. There are specific feelings all children of alcoholics have in common, and you can learn with specificity how to deal with your emotions & feelings and move on by going throw the necessary pain of your own recovery. The majority of ACOA's are "people-pleasers" as you have described yourself. It's part of not being validated as a child. We take that into adulthood and continue trying to please everyone else in the hope of feeling accepted and validated. I applaud you for posting your feelings here. You are definitely on your way to emotional health if you can admit the things you have.

    2) As you may or may not know, all the message boards except for the FM/CFS board will no longer be operational starting Feb 1st. We have been advised our FM/CFS site will be open and flexible as far as postings go. There are many who are not only afflicted with FM/CFS, but additionally depression & anxiety, as I am myself. You will find many loving people, and lots of great suggestions if you continue to read and post on the FM/CFS board.

    3) Joyfully mentioned she assumed you were taking an anti-depressant. Please tell us about any meds you may be on. In hindsight, I realize I have spent most of my adult life being depressed, even while going to therapy, and 12-step meetings. I was never treated with medication until about 11 years ago. (I am currenlty 57 yrs old.) It made all the difference in the world for me. One way or another, there is a chemical imbalance going on in the brain of a depressed person. Please explore this option, in addition to your therapy. You will find, I think, that the therapy will be much more beneficial to you if you can be lifted from the heavy burden of being depressed.

    4) Not only for myself, but from hearing from others, it is important that you see a therapist who is well-informed about the cycle of alcoholic families. It seems to take much longer to get results from therapy if the therapist is not familiar with the specific dynamics of a dysfunctional alcoholic family. The therapist can home in on the specific areas that affected you as a child and guide you as to how to overcome the things you did not learn as a child.

    5) I still don't have friends. I am the "lost child" from my alcoholic family (you will learn there are four specific personality types the children in alcoholic families take on. As the "lost child" my job was to emotionally hide in the corner and not try to cause my family any more problems than it already had. No wonder I am not an outgoing, extoverted adult.) I treasure my space and alone time. That's why these message boards are so important to me. Some members on the FM/CFS board are too ill to go out and need these boards to get human interaction, and some of us, althouth we can and do get out of the house, simply do not have friends to open up with and find these boards a necessary tool in feeling okay with ourselves.

    I believe you are on the cusp of becoming yourself; of finally knowing who you are and discovering that you are loved and lovable. Good luck with your continued voyage. Please continue to visit and keep us posted on your progress.

    Hugs and warm fuzzies.