Anyone missing out on chance to have baby?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by suz9601, Oct 10, 2008.

  1. suz9601

    suz9601 Member

    Well here I sit with another birthday coming up in a few weeks, I'll be 31. With each year (and a new diagnosis each year to add to my long list) CFS, FM, Lyme, IBS, vulvodynia, POTS, etc. Heck I dont even ovulate anymore my hormones are so jacked up.

    I lose more hope that I will ever be able to have a baby of my own or even a chance to adopt one with all my health issues. I have been sick for 12 years now, since age 18 and am only getting worse each year.

    Just wondered if any of you are around my age and unable to consider having a child due to health issues? It's hard to find someone that understands how sad this makes me feel, especially with all my friends/family my age w/several kids already.
  2. misskoji

    misskoji Member

    I wish your upcoming birthday will be a content and enjoyable one, and that you weren't suffering so much. Please try to enjoy the day by indulging on something just for you.

    Whether the issue is of you being too ill to care for a child and/or infertility issues is something I don't know, I just thought I should share something with you.

    I'm 33, so we are close in age. I do have one child. Before I became so ill, I was wanting at least one more desperately. And then after being sick, realized it just wasn't in the cards for me. So, while not to your undoubtedly frustrated extent, I too felt a loneliness that could not be filled.

    That lead me to thinking of people, like you, who were desperately wanting something I was already blessed enough to have. So I embarked on a journey of reaching out to try to help someone through surrogacy. To make a long story short, my living situation changed and I could no longer responsibly commit to the journey, much to my dismay.

    While I was active in meeting and interviewing and learning about the surrogacy option I found so many wonderful, warm, geniune, compassionate, open minded, understanding and empathetic people. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that if this would be an option you would consider, you will find compassionate people that really want to help and who won't shun you at the start because of your illness.

    My sister also has infertility problems and while I don't know it firsthand, I can certainly read that she is deeply hurt by it. It's even more evident when we are around others with children. It's heartbreaking to see her pain, and I am very sorry that you are enduring that same pain.

    You still have time, options, and hope. But also look to yourself, care for you and your well being first please. I wish in all sincerity that your health will improve one way or the other.

    Sending you gentle hugs,
  3. ktlovesed

    ktlovesed New Member

    I'm with you and can understand your sadness. I've been there and I've decided to stop dwelling on it.

    I'm 35 and there is no way I will ever have a child of my own. I fulfill that need by spending as much time with my nieces and cousin's children. It also reinforces just why I can't have my own children: fatigue, stamina, etc.

    I've accepted that I was put here to be the best Aunt ever and so far they say I am by a billion times!

    Don't be sad. Try to find other things that fill that void and make the best of your circumstance. There's always a reason, even if we don't know why.


  4. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    I turn 39 this week. I have been sick since I was 21, so it's been alot of years for me now. I can't have children from this disease. And I'm nowhere near well enough to adopt a child.

    About the last year, I've been feeling the biological clock ticking. It's been freaking me out. Especially since, I never really wanted to have children. At least not unless I was successful and was able to provide a real good home. The disease took away any chance of that.

    I try not to dwell on it that much. But there are times when I know all the little things I'm missing. Particularly the holidays or when my cousin helps her kids with their homework. I'll never have those experiences. It is hard. And it isn't fair.

    Just letting you know, I understand and I'm in the same situation with that.
  5. erinwilburn

    erinwilburn New Member

    i am coming up on 30 and have been married 5 years. our goal was to have kids right away, or at least try because we knew it would be hard. i have 3 younger sisters who have kids and i cry everytime they leave. somedays my arms actually crave holding a baby. i too worry about adopting, my bro in law is a social worker and says that it will be harder but is possible.
    but no matter what anyone says i still get sad. i am a mommy without a baby. my hubby tries so hard to make me feel okay about it and i know that i need to get my health under control but it hurts.
    i did get a dog who i love as much as i possibly can and little ones in the fam give me extra huggs like they some how know. just last week Bella 7 sat on my lap and told me not to worry, she will be my baby.
    we have to find other ways to be moms for now, but our time will come.
    don't lose hope! have a happy b~day and remember you are not alone.
  6. ladybugmandy

    ladybugmandy Member

    i can relate. i am 37, have been sick since 22, and am neither married nor in any position to have a child for many other reasons.

    i am very slowly improving now but due to all the years i will have been on valcyte, i would never risk getting pregnant - especially at an older age, since mental illness runs rampant in my family.

    to top that off, i do not even have a boyfriend and do not envision that happening in a loooong time!

    i haven't wanted children as badly as some of my friends, but knowing i do not have that option is upsetting.

    sometimes i find myself wishing i had frozen my eggs. lol


    [This Message was Edited on 10/11/2008]
  7. akandmk

    akandmk New Member

    i have 3 boys already but my biological clock is going bezerk lately. I'll be 37 and don't know if i am feeling this way because i'm having a mini midlife crisis or if it's just hormonal. My husband is fixed and we're strapped for cash so it would be unwise to have another child anyway. Now throw in the the fm. Hmm, even if I could carry this child without extreme pain and nerve problems there is the afterward problems that would be hard to deal with. Like the fatigue and pain and trying to deal with a baby. My husband has mentioned that perhaps in a few years after both he and i are done with school that we could adopt a toddler if I still were feeling as though I want another child. II do understand your saddness suz! I tear up every time i go to walmart and see all the baby stuff. Or see someone with an infant, or cute baby commercials. In May I might become a grandmother if everything goes right with my future daughter-inlaw's pregnancy but that only makes me feel older. Hang in there sweety and perhaps you could think of adopting a child instead of putting your body through heck.
  8. SpecialK82

    SpecialK82 New Member

    Yes, I am definitely missing my chance at having children. It gets depressing sometimes to dwell on it. I am 42 and have just decided 2 years ago that it wasn't going to happen. I feel strongly that it wouldn't be fair to the child even if I were to adopt.

    I don't have energy for a child and it breaks my heart.

    Not to be funny, but I don't even feel like I have enough energy for my dog - he is so restless sometimes and wants to go for walks and I just can't do it. It makes me feel like I'm a bad dog mom.

    Hugs for all, this is very difficult.


    [This Message was Edited on 10/11/2008]

    LISALOO New Member

    I'm 31 next week. I totally understand, I've been getting worse over the four years I've been sick.

    I got sick 2 months before getting married. We decided to try after 3 years together married. Scrathed that now. We're over that line. It's the thing I have the hardest problem with.

    I've said since I was a kid when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said a mother.

    I thought I'd have 2 by 30!

    Now I cry everytime I see commercials the neighbors, it's really hit me since 30!
  10. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    I always wanted kids but during my mid thirties after trying to find ways round all the problems and obssessing about it all for a few years, I knew it wasn't going to be possible.

    I am 39 now and I feel it's too late now anyway (and also I am still much too sick) Somehow I know when I hit 40 I will accept this more easily and move on. I am getting there.

    It still hurts but not as bad as before.

    I do feel empty as I can't even have a cat (love them) as I am allergic and DH is a bit of a couch potato (always tired and watching TV non stop) but I can't change anyhting - this was how life was meant to be for me I suppose.

    Hugs to all of you.

    Love Bunchy x
  11. suz9601

    suz9601 Member

    Thanks to all of you that answered me. I am sad for you all as well. I think it is bad enough to deal w/this dd but to have the added loss of not being able to have kids is almost too much at times. It sucks that we got this DD so early in life instead of after we have had our families and lived most of our lives..Well anyway, thanks for the support I really appreciate it, as I said it is hard to find someone that understands how this feels.
  12. SkeptikSharon

    SkeptikSharon New Member

    I'm 29, married for 8 years now. Soon after we first got married, I was wanting to have a baby. We decided to wait until I turned 25 before trying. 25 came and went, and we decided to put it off, because we were busy with work and school and stuff. Then in 2006, I was diagnosed with FM. Now I'm adding more things into my diagnosis, and I know there is no way I could even try to have a kid right now.

    I want to believe I still have time, but as time goes by, I doubt it more and more. I know my body is too weak to carry a child right now, and it seems to just be getting worse. I'm not crazy obsessed with being a mommy. I just wanted to have one child at some point, especially since my husband is an only child so our kid would be the only one to carry on that family line.

    It does make me sad, but I try not to think too much about it. My sister has an 8 year old daughter, and has told me so many times throughout the years that I need to have a kid so her daughter will have a cousin. If I want, when I am ready, if I cannot do it myself, she has offered to be a surrogate mother for me and carry the child for me. But I know that's expensive, and I don't know that it would really be fair to the child to have a sick mommy.

    I don't know. Maybe someday...
  13. Forebearance

    Forebearance Member

    Yes, Suz, I've missed my chance to have a baby. I'm 47 now and it's not going to happen for me in this lifetime.

    But there are other ways to be a mother than to have a child of one's own. I think that sometimes the souls we are meant to be motherly to are born to other people and they find their way into our lives. Think of all the people in the world who could use some motherly-type love and attention. If you broaden your definition of motherhood, the possibilities become endless.

    Teachers often give out motherly love to students. People who work in charities can show motherly affection. There is a charity in my home town that needs volunteers to hold and rock orphaned babies, for example. I show motherly love to my younger friends. Volunteers at the humane society show motherly love to abandoned animals. Even picking up litter on the side of the freeway is a motherly act, caring for the earth.

    I have a certain amount of motherly love to give to the world, and I'm giving it in the ways that are open to me.