Anyone not been able to have children because you are too sick?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Bunchy, Feb 8, 2008.

  1. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    Hi all,

    Yet another friend and his wife are having their first child.

    It's like a kick in the guts to me every time one of our friends/acquaintances has a baby.

    I thought I'd got over this - went through he** with the grieving in my mid thirties - but no. I still feel so sad, empty and not like a woman every time I even see someone with a kid at the supermarket.

    Isn't it enough that I lost my job aged 26 and along with it social life, most friends, understanding from family etc?

    Isn't it enough that I suffer so much physical and consequently mental anguish and most of it alone?

    But no, I have to watch and hear about people with ordinary full and happy lives who take everything for granted and don't even know what the flu is like let alone *THIS* illness.

    It's like living through torture or a nightmare, EVERY day.

    Does anyone else feel like this?

    Love Bunchy x

    PS Tee, if you are reading, that song on your youtube piece has been echoing in my mind all day long!!! I used to listen to that song as a healthy 13 year old - never knew I'd be listening to it so many years on in this state!
  2. bigmama2

    bigmama2 New Member

    i am sorry for your pain.

    i am too sick w cfs to have or care for a child. however i am lucky in that i never wanted to have children, so therefor it is not painful to me. sometimes i wonder if the reason i never wanted kids is because somehow deep down i knew i didnt have the energy to care for them?? or maybe i just never wanted kids at all anyway. maybe some of both.

    but i am sorry for your distress about this.

    i do relate to the pain of seeing your life (career, social life, hobbies, etc etc ) get destroyed by cfs. i also got it mid 20s. but it was gradual onset, and was more managable back then. it has gotten worse each year now for 13 yrs. i stopped working 2 yrs ago. (should have stopped way before that).

    i am adjusting to my "cfs life". also i am improving somewhat by several treatments. the main 3 are- alot/sleep alot
    2. testing and treatment for adrenal fatigue
    3. testing for ebv, and treatment w valtrex anti viral med

    take care- i hope things get better for you.
  3. gettingwell

    gettingwell New Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this - I am experiencing the same grief, sadness, and envy when I hear (literally every day) about another friend joyously getting pregnant.

    May I ask at what percent functioning you are at? I have heard of people with mild CFS successfully having healthy children, but it sounds like at this point you are not feeling up to it.

    Are you taking any antivirals?

    Thinking of you and sharing your sadness.

  4. greeneyeslk

    greeneyeslk New Member

    I have 3 children which were all born before I came down with CFS/FM. My youngest were 8 years old when I was diagnosed. My disease progressed much more than I ever thought it would. My youngest are 17 year old twins and they have had to get used to a mom that is in bed most of the time and cannot do simple fun things that moms are supposed to do with daughters like going to the mall and the like. I have had extreme guilt. Fortutnately, I didn't have real young babies when I first became ill. Although I think that it has to be a personal decision as whether to have children or not, I would definitely make sure that you have a good support structure beforehand. Fortunately, my husband has been great and has almost had to be like a single parent since as of two years ago I can no longer work, drive or pretty much do anything requiring labor. I worked up until two years ago and never thought my illness would get this bad. I think that is the problem with these illnesses is that each of us are different and some get worse than others and there is no way to predict it.

    One other thing to consider is that many believe these illnesses are genetic. My one fraternal twin daughter that takes most after me has exhibited signs of the early onset of CFS/FM since she was 12 years old. Her doctor even has thought that she probably has it. She doesn't want to believe it and it is most certainly my worst nightmare that she may have it. In fact, I think that it has harmed our relationship as she is very indifferent to me since she has had flare ups and probably down deep hates the fact that I may have passed this genetically down to her. I told my husband that if I had know I was going to end up sick like this then I would have never had children and put them through having a sick mom and passing an illness down to them. I apologize for the negativity, but I am being totally honest and expressing from my own experiences. I am sure that you will hear others that have better opinions about it. Good luck.
  5. stampfreak

    stampfreak New Member

    We tried having kids for several years while I was in remission but never were able to conceive. Since then my CFIDS has relapsed big time and I'm grateful that we weren't able to conceive, as I'm barely able to care for myself. I consider it one of God's greatest unanswered prayers. But, I did go through grieving process of what I've lost. I always thought I'd have lots of children, coming from a big family. But I'm blessed with many nieces and nephews, and now great-nieces and nephews who I can enjoy when I have the energy.

  6. Michelle_NZ

    Michelle_NZ New Member

    I am in the same boat. I'm 36 and had CFS/ME for just over 4 years now. There is no way we could consider children at this point in time - I could not physically care for a baby, but I am on so many medications that it would be truly dangerous and irresponsible for me to try and conceive. There is every chance the baby would suffer some birth defect because of the cocktail of drugs I take.

    Its heartbreaking. I also have friends giving birth around me left, right and centre and it reminds me of how much I am missing out on. I just want a normal life too and I always thought I would be a mum.

    I've heard that some women go into remission with pregnancy, but also some relapse - even worse than before they fell pregnant - I just cant take that risks. If I were to get worse again I would be suicidal and thats not a good place to be with a new baby.

    I'm sorry you feel that you are missing out - I can only say I understand how you feel and I wish it were different for all of us.

    Take care
  7. annaviva

    annaviva New Member

    I am in the same boat. Just when my life was coming together: a relationship, talk of a wedding and having kids, the illnes struck. All plans got completely derailed along with my life. Now, I have a very small window of opportunity left for becoming pregnant before it becomes unsafe age-wise...And I am not anywhere near recovery. Sad beyond words.
  8. tonia1990

    tonia1990 New Member

    I can relate and feel your pain.
    Gentle Hugs,
  9. disconcerted

    disconcerted New Member

    I'm 39 and tried desperately to have a child from the age of 25 to 34 but during that time i found i had PCOS and was told it was unlikely i could conceive. However, i have never given up hope as there is a small chance i could.

    Having said that, i now take precautions just to be sure i don't conceive as i wouldn't be able to offer a child the life it would deserve. It breaks my heart everytime i hear someone new is having a child and every year that passes reduces further any hope of getting well enough in time to have a child.

    I have grown to live with this knowledge but have never got used to it.

    I know it won't make you feel better but you have time on your side and have a chance that you will recover in enough time to still be able to conceive.

    Dear Bunchy, I really feel the pain you are going through. The tears i cried would have filled a river and hurt the very centre of my heart and i'm sure you feel it will never go away. But it does get easier in time I promise.


  10. TeaBisqit

    TeaBisqit Member

    Not only am I too sick for kids, but I went to about six different OB/GYN's in NY about ten years ago. And every single one of them told me I can never have kids due to CFIDS. They actually ALL said the same thing and said it was due to CFIDS. They also said they had seen it before many times with CFIDS patients. I went to so many docs because I wanted second and third opinions. Well, that was my answer. They said that something with the disease kills the eggs. And that even if I had a viable egg left, I would risk ectopic pregnancy and most certainly a miscarriage. I'm not surprised. Disappointed, devastated, and despondent, though.

    All of my cousins are about my age and every single one of them has tons of kids, a husband, a beautiful home, money, swimming pools, you name it. I have zero. I've lost every single thing in my life due to CFIDS.

    It does hurt when I hear someone is pregnant again, or I know that a fun holiday is coming round and I'll never get to spend it with a child of my own. Those are things I can never have in this life. I try not to think about it much, except when the holidays roll around. Then I get sad. Or if I'm talking to my cousin on the phone and she has to go to help one of her kids with something. Yeah, it hurts.
  11. Scapper

    Scapper New Member

    I feel it almost constantly too :(

    I got sick at 31 y/o and totally thought I'd be "better" soon enough to have kids. I guess I took it for granted in my 20's that I would have kids when I was ready.

    Here I am 13 years later in worse shape than ever.

    I guess as someone pointed out above, we have to make the most with what we have (while we have it!)....otherwise, you can literally lose your mind.

    So, this is what gets me through....and the quest for better health. I'm just so sick.....way too sick to care for a child. That's not to say I don't still feel the pain & sadness every time I see a baby or see my friends and family all with children. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be OK with it.....but no one is giving me a choice.

    On days when I BELIEVE that "everything happens for a reason," I'm at peace.....on other days.....well, YOU KNOW!

    Hang in there --- as you can see, you're definitely not alone! Thank you for bringing up such a sensitive topic, some of these responses really helped me :)

    [This Message was Edited on 02/09/2008]
  12. ilovepink4

    ilovepink4 Member

    I have 4 kids....2 i gave birth to, 2 adopted....i hate what kind of mother i have become...i miss out on just about everything. I haven't seen our boys play hockey in two years.

    thankfully, our youngest was 4 when I got least he wasn't a tiny baby...or a toddler...that would be difficult!

    if i knew that i was going to get this sick, i would not have had a family...don't get me wrong, i love my children desperately, but i wish they had a healthy mother. my husband is like a single parent...i dread what kind of grandmother i will be someday...

    when you see your friends having babies, remember that even when a person is healthy, having babies can be sleep, your life changes forever, your hubby doesn't help out like you expected, ect...

    when another baby is born to your friends, try to think of us, here, feeling like we have failed our kids by being sick...or fearing we have passed it on to our 17 yr old daughter is showing symptoms and it makes me sick...she is a brilliant, beautiful girl that does well with everything she does...she is confident and will do great in whatever career she picks...unless, she gets sick...and it will be my fault...she has so much potential!

    Bunchy,maybe when you feel that yearning, you could get a puppy or kitten, to channel those nurturing feelings...i really love my pets and they take care of that "baby fever" that i still feel, even as sick as I am....a pet needs love and care and returns it to, they are much easier than children for someone like us....i hope no one thinks i am belittling those baby yearnings by suggesting getting pets...i experienced lots of baby fever myself over the years...if you can't manage raising a family, a pet gives you a place to put those nurturing urges...

    i hope you feel better after reading these postings...take care! Pink

  13. jasminetee

    jasminetee Member

    I grieve about not being able to have kids all the time. It's been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. I went through major grieving when I first got married and became disabled on my honeymoon in 2000 but I still go through grieving now too although it is less intense.

    I know certain things trigger it like friends having babies but I'm working on separating my feelings about that so that i can be happy for them. It's actually working so far.

    I can feel the anguish of the parents here who are struggling with raising their children and coping with CFS too. It's sad too to read of this DD running in so many families.

    I think this is one of the most sensitive and heart wrenching issues many of us face. I used to feel tortured by it daily too Bunchy, but now it's much less often, TG. I hope it will be that way for you too. I'm almost 44 so perhaps what another poster was saying about it getting less intense in your 40's is happening to me.

    Bunchy, I'm glad I was able to make that video. I've had CFS since 1985 and I remember hearing that song back then too in a more upbeat version by Tears For Fears and I always thought it would be a good song for CFS Awareness.


    [This Message was Edited on 02/10/2008]
  14. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    Big Mama, thank you for your concern – I’m glad you didn’t have the desire to have kids and that you are taking care of yourself.
    Gettingwell – I’m glad – but sad – that you can relate to this. Unfortunately at 39 and deteriorating there is not much hope for me. Antivirals available in the UK haven’t helped me.
    Femmdange – you are right – wanting something you can’t have only leads to misery. Unfortunately I keep wanting things I can’t have…LOL. I do hope you are right and that in my 40’s I will stop feeling like this.
    Greeneyeslk – yes I have also thought even if I wasn’t as sick, I would be terrififed of pasing this genetically to a child. I’m glad for you even with the problems you have that you have had the blessing of children.
    Stampfreak – sad that you couldn’t conceive but perhaps you have a point – that it isn’t meant to be for people like us.
    Michelle –NZ – sorry you are in the same boat and I hear you about the drugs we are on being dangerous to an unborn baby even if we felt well enough to try. Hugs to you.
    Annaviva – same as me, met hubby, three months later got seriously sick and life and along with it, possibilities of kids, job etc disappeared. I’m sorry for you and send you hugs.
    Tonia, thank you, seems like a few are in the same situation as us.
    Anchorholds, yes there is no way I could care for a child. I just find it so difficult to find joy in small things. Maybe I will learn this as I get older.
    Blinkie, I hope you get the chance to have children, you have time on your side at least.
    Disconcerted, I am 39 too and would probably not take the risk at this age even if I was healthy. I wanted to be a young mother. No you never get used to it but as Femmdange said hopefully with age, the pain will diminish.
    Teabisqit, I’m sorry you can’t have kids. I have a suspicion I am barren too from CFIDS. I relate so much to many of your posts.
    Scapper – yes some days you can feel almost at peace with it and other days it kicks you in the guts.
    Ilovepink4 – so happy you were able to have kids but sad that you fear them getting sick. I’d love a kitten but am allergic to all animals – great huh?…LOL
    Tee, you are another whose posts I so identify with. I admire you so much and take heart from the fact that several people have said this gets easier with time. BTW the pic in your profile – is that rcent? No way are you 44..LOL.

    All of you, I’m sooooo grateful and heartened by your responses. I really don’t know how I would survive without this board and the great people here.

    I’m sorry for us all to have to deal with this, it’s just extra hard for a woman, I think to have her maternal instinct denied.

    That said, let’s hope we can all get some improvement in our health at least with all the research going on now.

    I dream of a day when they find a cure – even minus kids, job, hardly any friends, just feeling healthy would be the best gift ever.

    Love and hugs to all,

    Bunchy xxx

  15. Saihri

    Saihri New Member

    Boy am I on a roll today! This is my first day posting on this board (this is my third now). :)

    I am the mother of a 12 year old boy. I had him when I was young (16) and this ended up being a blessing. Prior to this, I had always had immune dysfunction and then was diagnosed with endometriosis (anyone have this?...have to go through laparoscopic surg. to be definite). I got pregnant two weeks after that first surgery. When I was pregnant, I felt fabulous!! Better than I've ever felt (as odd as that sounds). Unfortunately, over the years I have progressively gotten worse and ended up having more lap. sureries to clean up the endometriosis and the horrific amount of scar tissue. In January 2002, I underwent a hysterectomy (this is why my having my son early was a blessing). 2003, I underwent yet another lap. surgery to clean up scar tissue and yes, more endometriosis.

    I believe that all of these surgeries and the go-getter type that I was is what led to the Fibro (I think I've had CFS since childhood). Now, back to the topic at hand.

    My son is 12 and I have so much guilt, it is tearing me apart. I am unable to take part in so many aspects of his life and this is not the way I planned my life to be. I had always wanted to be one of those 'soccer mom' types with energy to last 28 hours in a day (go, go, go!), however, this was not to be. I wanted more children one day and am watching my friends with all of their little ones. It is such a happy time in their lives and I try to be happy for them (and I am), but it brings back the fact that I can no longer have children. I am blessed to even have the son that I have and I know I'd never have the energy or physical strength to handle another anyway.

    OH, in regards to getting a puppy or kitten to help with the maternal yearns...I think a kitten may be a bit better. Puppies (as I've learned this past year) are very much like having a toddler around and take alot of work and energy. Just a thought. :O) BUT yes, having pets can help with that maternal feeling and they are always there to give you love and cuddles.

    Sorry for rambling on. I tend to do that when I type. :O) Bunchy...I hope you start to feel a bit better with your feeling and just know that you have this support system to help you know that you are not alone.

    *HUGS & KISSES* to you all!!

  16. Saihri

    Saihri New Member

    I was just wondering if any of you were sickly in childhood? Immune dysfunction? Endometriosis?

    Just checking because I was ALWAYS sick and always taking naps. My school attendance records would show it all (and that continued into the workforce as an adult). I went for years and years trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me. In all honesty, I thought that the endometriosis was behind everything and that if I had that hysterectomy, everything would get better. That totally backfired and just pushed my body into this...

    Anyway, just wondering...
  17. LanaBree

    LanaBree New Member

    might sound funny but i admire people who want children but are selfless enough that they put the kids that they don't bring into the world first, and that they may not be able to care for them physically.
  18. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

  19. Bunchy

    Bunchy New Member

    Bumping this post back to the front page for you to read suz,

    Hugs Bunchy x
  20. AuntTammie

    AuntTammie New Member

    I am 37 now, and have had this dd for about 5 yrs....I have always wanted kids more than anything else in life (aside from my faith in God)....I mean as far back as I can remember, having children was my biggest desire, and it kills me that barring a miracle, it isn't going to happen....I can barely take care of myself (& my cat and bunny)....can't work, don't really have any way to meet a man and if i did it would be really tough to find one who would want to marry someone who has no life most of the time....and even if all that were not an issue, it would be completely unfair of me to try to have a child (let alone the 4 that I always wanted), bc there is no way I could take care of him/her by meeting the very basic needs, let alone actually do things with him/her

    I do sponsor a child thru Compassion and I do have 2 (very, very soon to be 3) nieces, and I love them all dearly, but none of them live close by and even if they did I wouldn't be up to doing much of anything with them....and no matter how much I love them, they are not my own....still, I try to be thankful for what i do have and to not let it get me down - and no matter how painful the reminder that I don't have children of my own, I would never in a million yrs ever want to have missed out on having my nieces and my compassion kid - they are so precious to me