anyone with a family member thats bipolar?

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by hagardreams, Jan 21, 2006.

  1. hagardreams

    hagardreams New Member

    My husbands depression has been really bad. The doctor says he is bipolar, and thats why the meds have never worked on him all these years. Its only been about 4 months, and I know it takes time to find the right meds, but this is killing me. He keeps saying that he wants to move out and get his own place. I want to cry it hurts so bad everytime he says that. I feel like all the support I have given him since he was in ICU last August from the attempted suicide, and taking care of all the bills, all the house work, everything, and he keeps saying he wants to move out. He does nothing around here, I do it all. I make sure we have food on the table, ect. It just hurts so bad for him to throw it in my face. If he leaves me here, I will lose the house and all my cats. I cannot afford to take care of the bills here. I am not sure if he is serious or not, but this hurts after all I have been through.
    If anyone out there understands bipolar, or any advise, I would love to hear from you. I am at my wits end. God bless, Julie
  2. midda

    midda New Member

    My nephew was diagnosed in Nov. what a dreadul disease.We were told that in depression mode that they will lash out at mothers or wifes the ones taking care of them because you are the ones advising to take meds or give to them to take and the ones who have taken care of them all their lives.Your hubby is not really trying to make you feel bad, is just very depressed that can't help you! He knows what all you do...He probebly wants to move out so then he won't feel like burden to you...It was explained to us that the depression is so dark and deep and they feel bad for anything they have ever done wrong in life even if was simplest thing.Dr's advised that we have no clue of a bipolar our mids are healthy yes we have depressed days but again we don't go where a bipolar mind travels....My sons friend from HS they grad in 2004 commited suicide and we attended funeral last week and he had gone to ARK. to help open Red Robin resturant and forgot meds at home and his mom was going to take to hime about a 15 hr drive and he said no will only be there a couple of more days and that is what happened...None of his friends new he had this as he was such an involved person was going to college working pt was involved w/church, was in a band...but when the depths of the disease takes over as if no meds are taken....I hope this is not why your hubby wants to move out so he can attempt again to try suicide and if is on his own no one there to try to interveine no one there to gv meds...Please try not to take this that you have done wrong or he is leaving because of you....This is his disease and is a very scarry one to all involved but remember you can't be there every minute and see every move they make or you will be sicker that you are...they have alot of great reading and I have learned so much on line as well..My prayers and thoughts are with you as well as huge hugs...
  3. jaltair

    jaltair New Member

    I'm sorry to hear that your husband has bipolar disorder. Reading your bio, you've been married quite a number of years and he's been stable (? - is that correct?). If that's the case, please support him in getting on the right medication. That is so important. He needs medication not just for depression but he needs a mood stabilizer. Make sure that he's seeing a doctor who understands the disorder.

    Just taking an antidepressant will not keep him from "cycling" from depression to mania.

    The idea of getting involved in NAMI is excellent! There is a lot of education in the group, but also a lot of support.

    Please remember that your husband is not in control of his state of mind. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness. Counseling doesn't help, only medication will stabilize him.

    Luckily, bipolar disorder is the easiest of the mental health disorders to have as it responds well to medication. There are many people who work in high level jobs and control their bipolar disorder with medication.

    Unfortunately, the disorder tends to "burn" partners and family out.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband, children, and family through what you have to deal with and go through.

    Warm wishes, Jeannette
  4. DLsGroovyMoM

    DLsGroovyMoM New Member

    Mom, her dad, his dad and mom (?mostly our diagnosis from knowing what we know now...) most likely my brother (he wont see anyone) varoious cousins...and I had been diagnosised borderline.

    Last week my neuro said is not longer boarderline. I went in in horrible pain yet I was VERY MANIC and he saw it right off the bat. I had known for a week or so that I was manic but I tend to like my manic cycles b/c even when I hurt really bad I get tons of stuff done...I do pay later though

    Of all that I have seen in our family my mom is the worst with very large dips and spikes in her mood. She is often "S"idal and will drink til she passes out.

    Mom and I have tried many meds...Topamax and limictal worked the best for both of us. I had to stop the topamax but am now on limictal and wellbutrin (the wellbutrin is what my neuro thinks set off my mania recently so he added the limictal to help level me off

    Any mental illness is taxing on family...this is one of the rough ones IMHO. I often have to "distance" myself from my mom for periods of time b/c I just can not deal with all of my stuff and her's doesnnt' help that for the most part she won't take meds. she'll take them, get stable then go off, stay stable for awhile and then BAM! she loses it.

    I am very sorry you are going through this...I would say don't take it personally is your love him and this hurts...just try to not take it so hard, don't be hard on yourself, take care of yourself too!

    Will keep you in my prayers
  5. hagardreams

    hagardreams New Member

    ( jaltair ) Yes we have been together for a long time. We met in 1976 when I was 15, and started dating in 1977. He had some depression back then, but I guess I thought all people were like that. My mother was diagnosed with bipolar in 1984, so I have lived with someone who has that disease all my life. Why I dont have it, I dont know. I have seen two different specialty doctors, and neigther one of them thought I had it. Anyway, my husband has been hospitalized 3 times in his life with depression. He did good for so many years, but this last year has been a bad one for him. He has only had one really bad manic faze, most of his illness is the depressive side of the disease. I know he doesn't mean the bad things he says. I guess I am just worn out. About a month ago, I totally lost it and started screaming. I have always been the one that was strong and held the family together. This is really catching up with me. I leave and go thrift store shopping, or just out for a drive, and I come home and he gets mad because I left. Its like everytime I go out to give myself some peace, I come home and it starts all over again, and the peace is gone. A van does pick him up everday, 4 days a week and takes him to a center, but the three days he his home, I am a basket case. I know this is making the FM pain worse, and my blood sugars rise everytime I am stressed. Now my digestive system is not working right. The doctor said this is part of diabetes. 32 years of this and its taking its toll, plus all the stress from the family. I just feel so lonely. My oldest son has moved out, and he is not speaking to me. I wonder if he is bipolar also. At least my youngest son is living with us, hes 24, and helping out as much as he can. ( Oh dear God give me peace and comfort!).
    Thanks to you all for the support. This seems to be the place that I have the best friends in the world. Again, God bless you all, Julie
  6. tons of info. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

    My sister, dad, his 3 brothers, his dad, my mom says his dad's dad, & brothers etc had bi-polar, my dad's sister has it. My major experiences of course, are with my sister, and then my Dad. but mainly my sister. I do not associate with my father because, I'm grown now, and as you can imagine, he was terrible to grow up with, horribly emitonally abusive, with his mood swings.

    Men at least in my family, with their bi-polar disorder, seemed to be in the depressive state most of the time, they were ticking time bombs, we called them... you never knew when they would fly into an explosive rage...always quiet and spacy, then BAM! screaming at you, name calling, and you'd stand there feeling ripped to shreds...wondering what the he** you did this time to set them you would be sure not to do it again, whatever the heck it was!!!

    Men in my family their "Mania phase" seemed to equal not being home, just out spending money, or playing cards, or for my dad, it was bowling also, but for my grandpa, and my dad, uncles too, playing cards, gambling, buying themselves* the finest clothes, my grandpa would by himself the finest ties* ($75) ties, while raising 5 kids, in a 2bdrm home, with my grandmother who was a nurse, that worked at the hospital, would *walk* to work every single day, and she was in very bad health all her life. My grandmother had 8 hip replacement surgeries in her lifetime.

    But, with all my dad's family, that have bi-polar disorder, including my sister, who is no longer able to work, due to panic attacks, fear, depression, inability to manage her money on her own, failure to thrive on her own in general (also being stalked by her ex boyfriend terribly for over 2 yrs, and had to quit her last job & be hospitalized 3 times, from the fear, panic, overwhelmed her, etc sent her illnesses overboard).

    With all of them, their manias are ALL about RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING, they are just sooo fidgity, as if, if they stand still, somethings just gonna get em. and if my dad were not married to this, his 4th wife, he'd spend every last penny he had, he did with every other wife. This one is ONLY different because she's somewhat wealthy.
    She's got the purse-strings, thus the control. He's still managed over the years, to get control a *little* to gamble on their vacations, and gets to go to the riverboats here to gamble. I don't know how, but, he's done it.

    My sister was diagnosed around age.. 15-16? with bi-polar, but, they would put her on an anti-depressant only* for treatment, and it would end up sending her into a Mania, and she would throw chairs, scissors, hairbrushes, etc (teenagers anyways!) if her HAIR DIDN"T "ACT" RIGHT!!! She did that on *Buspar* once, threw a *CHAIR* acrossed the room. She'd punch holes in the wall, kicked my stepdad once, and she's 5' tall, he's 6'3".

    She's on Geodon & Lithium now...She sleeps about 85% of the time. I hate it. She's my part time care giver, when hubby is at work, and can't take me to a dr appt, or the hospital for tests, etc. but, I end up "being quiet" in my own home, so she can *sleep!* most of the time.

    I always have had to "not set her off" my whole life, my mom has said that. and as the younger sister. IT SU**S!!! LOL.

    I try very hard, to remember-We have* to take the MENTAL out of mental illness. My sister, dad, grandpa, aunt, uncles, etc... didn't ASK to be ill, no more than I asked for MS/FMS/CFS and they need understanding & awareness even more than we do! MAN if people were aware of the way(I know* we all are, but the general population sure isn't!) that people with bi-polar, BPD, anxiety, PTSD, etc get treated in ER's, etc. It's horrible. A psych EVALUATER!!-A woman who GETS PAID--and IS TRAINED TO DO EVALUATIONS-acually said to my sister, when my sister's doctor TOLD her to go to the ER due to a med prob, told my sister to go to the ER & have the psych eval lady meet her there, & speak to her-the lady says, "WELL, BOY YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FUN TO LIVE WITH!" My jaw dropped! my sister has bipolar disorder-she knows it-she went there for help-it's why she is on meds!!! she is reaching out for help! and that is how she gets treated! NO WONDER so many quit their meds! that's how they get talked to!! @*&!#^

    Like others have said above, the biggest--and hardest thing to remember-is not to take it personal.

    The easiest way to think of it, is like this. My sister says, it is like she has two people inside of her, constantly fighting. Constantly. and she doesn't have control of either one, and can't shut them up, ever. But the depressed, morbid one is the loudest and strongest one. And for her, I can't speak for your husband, but, my sister does not even know why, but she constantly thinks about suicide, awful as it is of me, I tried to *argue!* with her about how she feels and even tell her "NO you dont" "not all the time" because I just don't believe she thinks about suicide all the time! but--how dare I try to tell anyone how they feel or what they think?!!? Bi-polar is extremely painful, and my mom and I have always said we dont know WHO it is harder on, but we KNOW it is hardest on my sister. She constantly has a battle inside her.

    Your husband has no control over the battle inside him, and no idea why* he feels the way he does, thinks the way he does, or says the things he says, especially without medications.

    Again, if you have ANY questions, feel free to ask, I will be more than happy to try and answer them for you, I have lived with bi-polars for 28 yrs now, male & female, I've read and read and read, gone to my sisters counselors, and talked to my own counselor about it, I no longer see my counselor, as she was a registerer nurse, and teaches nursing now, at IVY TECH, ;-(

    Take care, & hang in there the best you can. It will be a very very bumpy roller coaster--with the lights out- BUT, the sun *will* come up. ;-) That's guaranteed, every day.

    well---I'm getting wellllll past groggy--straight into droopy eyelids...needing toothpics to hold em open. Double vision is getting pretty bad on me, :-O
  7. Lapis

    Lapis New Member

    I feel your pain and actually did have something similar happen to myself. Your husband is mentally ill and probably does not know what he really wants.

    My sister is bipolar and goes up and down on lots of medications that control but certainly do not cure her symptoms. She is incredibly paranoid and thinks people look at her and talk about her when they really aren't. Although there is plenty to say about her crazy behavior.

    She is suspicious of everyone and everything. So, it is not wonder that your husband is saying and doing the things he is. He is not well.

    The real problem is that you are not well and must consider what is best for you. I would suggest what i never did for myself when I should have done................Get help now and all of the supposrt you can. Things may get worse as times goes on with your illness. You have to save yurself.

    Personally......I am so scared ....I fear tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. I do not think I can lose anymore than I already have, but reality does exist and I may have to make future sacrifices.

    I wish you all of the best and am here for you.

  8. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    nATIONAL aLLIANCE FOR mENTALLY iLL AS OTHER POSTER SAYS WILL HELP. aLSO, meds for bi polar differ from case to case. Some people do very well on Lithium but others have a schizoapffective disorder that may need neuroleptic meds. People going on any of these meds kick against them as often they are started on too high a dose being manic when first see. Some seizure meds like Trileptal work very well for bi polar. I have relatives as well was counselor specialising in bi polar for many years so I will answer questions that I feel OK about my ability to help with. The thing to understand is that when someone is episodic that what they are doing and saying is the illness and not their true selves. Often delusions of grandeur-"I'm too good to be here" attitude may prevail, spending sprees, thoughts that they are famous or should be, these go up and down with the swings. Some people are rapid cyclers that is they swing rapidly from one mood to another (mania to depression) even the same day. Others may be depressed for years then swing into mania phase. People often self medicate by drinking or using other meds or street drugs. The hatrdest thing is encouraging a relative to stay on the meds as they often have gotten so used to being in the high or low that they don't like feeling bland. Sometimes the meds themselves take a person's feeling of self worth away. A very good doctor is needed to carefully talk to you both and balance the meds he can take.
    Good luck
  9. hagardreams

    hagardreams New Member

    His disease is so different from my moms. I tried pure love with him last night, even though I didnt really have it to give. In the end he seemed to calm down some. It actually made me feel better. The bible states that also, about how giving can make you feel better. So far today he seems to be in a good mood. I know at any min. it could change, but for the moment, I am going to enjoy his company. We have been together so long that he really is a part of me, and I dont want to lose him. I have to turn this over to God and get more involved with his PACT team treatment. In the beginning he didnt want me down there, and he keeps saying that if he doesnt want me to talk to his doctor than he wont give the doctor permission to talk to me. But I can talk with the others in the team.
    Thanks to all of you who answered, it really helps me not feel so alone. God bless, Julie
  10. Cromwell

    Cromwell New Member

    I know it is hard for you. Do try and continue your support. If he had cancer you would try to be there. I really know how hard it is, but try and see past the anger to the illness. So many siblings just dump the bi polar one or only have anything to do with them when they are "behaving". It is when their meds are off they need more help. I don't say this to make you feel bad, just I would like to encourage you to do whatever you are able to, as I know you are ill yourself, even a very short little postcard would be so helpful and makes all the difference to a mentally ill person in an episode. Thanks for listening.
  11. jake123

    jake123 New Member

    My sweet stepson is bipolar. Usually every Christmas he will quit his job and end up quarreling with his mother and her side of the family.
    I've had him see my psychiatrist for meds but he won't stay on them, he likes the highs too much. Delusions of grandeur are his forte. My husband bought him a car and he took it apart - engine and everything. So, we had to buy him another one. Mind you he is married and has a child and this is the fifth car we have bought him.
    My psychiatrist said it might take him until his 30's or even his 40's to face reality and take his meds and try to get his college education and there was nothing we could do to hurry him along.
    I use to go with him to the doctor and stop at Walmart and buy his meds then he started making excuses why he couldn't go. Oh, well.
  12. kjfms

    kjfms Member Schizophrenic with Bipolar tendencies one of the hardest to treat.

    Bless your heart this is a very hard and rough road. My mother has been this way all my life, she developed this when she was in her late teens. Unfortunately the did not know a lot about it in the 50's. I am not even going to tell you some of the horrors she has been though.

    I just want to share some of my insight. I take my mother her meds every day, any more than that she just gets confused and takes too many or none at all.

    Love is the greatest hope of all. Just remember it is OK to get angry, you are only human after all. It has taken me years to figure this out and I mean years, well over 30 (I 44 yrs. old). I know what you mean about the hurtful things they can say. My mother goes into hallucinations and says I am not her daughter-that cuts very deep. I strongly urge you to find a support group (church, friends, local help group, what ever) just do not hold every thing in-this is not good for you or your loved one.

    I know that you husband is not schizophrenic but bipolar. Trust me the two have a lot in common. The highs are extremely high and the lows are-Oh my god!!! :(

    I wish you the best of luck and a lot of patience (you are going to need it). Mental illness has got to be the toughest illness to watch a loved one go through.

    I hope and pray every day for some sort of cure (I am a dreamer) I am thankful that there is treatment. It took a very long time and several physicians to get my mother on the right combination of meds.

    I know it is very hard to over look the hurtful things but it is better for you and your loved one in the long run, trust me I do understand.

    God bless and do not forget to take care of yourself, we caregivers seem to do this a lot.

    You are in my prayers,

  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    ask you if you ever hear voices? well my exhubby said he went to the psychologist and he told her about the voices he hears and he told many voices do you hear...he said 3, she said good that is the number i was looking for...she said are you dyslexic...he said yes...

    well i did ask my pschiatrist he said no that is a learnig problem...they can have pyhciatic episodes..i think tht is what he said... and the psychologists...even the ssa one said either he got poor psychologist or he is manipulation

    anyone had this problem before?

    thanks jodie

  14. Zaiyne

    Zaiyne New Member

    If a person has bipolar disorder and is hearing voices it maybe psychosis. There is so much with bipolar. I have it and have a hard time with it at times. I would be glad to answer any questions I can. Not to point fingers and volunteer anybody but cromwell seems to know what they are talking about too.
  15. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    i just ws happy to be able to get this answered ...i have tried to give the benefit of the doubt,,,,and it was his appt and it is his progrative to share any of this info at all to me....i hope this is what is being treated for and anything else...

    thank you for your confirmation...

  16. Zaiyne

    Zaiyne New Member

    Glad to help out when I can!
    I hope he is getting whatever treatment he needs.
    Take Care

  17. windblade

    windblade Active Member

    I don't have any specific bipolar advice, except that I wanted to say that I see you getting stronger - in making your decision to be proactive with your husband's counselors!

    And do you still have any opportunities for counseling for yourself?

    Also, I have been praying so hard for you. It just seems that God has put you STRONGLY on my heart to pray for, for many months now.

    I'm so glad that you've found people with good advice, and similar situations to share with.

    At least here you have a refuge!

    Will keep you in my prayers,
    Sending much love, Judy
  18. Sheila1366

    Sheila1366 New Member

    I feel so bad for you.I know how hard it is to live with someone that is bipolar and not being treated succesfully.Is he on meds. right now,sorry I didn't read ahead through the thread.Bipolars can get on these ideas and think they are invinceable(manic) and can make some really bad choices.Just do your best to not take it personally.You have done absolutelt nothing to cause him to react this way.I have some friends that are bipolar that refuse to take their meds. and in return they have lost everything,family,friends jobs, is a terrible disease to have.But talking as one that cares for a bipolar , you have to let them fall sometimes before they get help.And I bet more than anything he is just venting especailly if he isn't stable.Bipolars are hard to get along with when they aren't taking meds.I am sure since his suicidal attempt you feel like you are walking on eggshells.But once again you had nothing to do with what he did to himself and he would have done it wether you were toghter or not.I would highly suggest you get intouch with a support group for those who have a loved on that is bipolar.There are several on the internet.You can't live in fear of what he is going to do that is an awful way to be.Please take care and try not to take him too seriously,atleast not yet.Sounds like he needs to get stable.
    Take care