Apparently I'm worthless. Need to vent!

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Saoirse3, Jan 16, 2012.

  1. Saoirse3

    Saoirse3 Member

    I hurt so much tonight. My chest feels like it's caving in and I think I can hear my heart breaking. I am between a rock and a hard place and don't know where to turn, except my friends here, who I know will understand.

    I am a cyber "Dear Abby" for my three grown children. One is in the Navy, one just broke up a 9 year relationship (my two grandchildren are products of this) and one just left an abusive marriage after 3 years. My oldest (in the Navy) was kidnapped by her father, and I was separated from her for 27 years. I found her last year. She was brutally abused by her father, who died of a heroin overdose two years ago. My middle child is majorly depressed, hasn't worked in 3 years and has zero ambition. My youngest was pressured by her controlling husband to check into a mental facility, where she was "diagnosed" as bi-polar and BPD. They put her on Depakote. Last week her husband filed a domestic violence order against her and threw her out of her home in -27 weather. He has their son. We had to drive 150 miles each way to keep her from freezing to death, because the shelter refused to accept her. She was "violent". After seeing a doctor here, she discovered she was stressed, not "crazy" and had no need for Depakote. She is hurt and angry at having been forced to take meds she didn't need and about losing her son. She is living with us now.

    Today, my oldest called and started to scream at me. Apparently everything she went through is MY fault. And her sisters are garbage and I am a fool for helping them or loving them. They don't deserve help. I should have let them die. And if I didn't "take care" of the situation, she would enlist the aid of the Navy and have me committed for insanity. I am not supposed to love any of the girls but her. I am not supposed to have any friends, any interests, or a life. I'm sick, feeble minded and useless, and think I can save the world, and if I didn't have my head so far up my you-know-what, I would see that. I needed to face reality and stop believing that my so-called "faith" would pull me through. Then she said she was through with her family, screw all of us, goodbye.

    I thought my heart was going to stop. It was 6:30 AM, I'd had a really bad night and was in severe pain. But it paled, compared to her toxic meltdown. I was crying and shaking so uncontrollably that I thought I was having a heart attack. My middle daughter called about 15 minutes later and said "What's WRONG with her?" And my youngest came home to find me sobbing on the floor.

    I can't take this any more. I love people, I love helping people and my friends are precious to me. I love animals too, and I volunteer to take care of the wild birds of Alaska at the rescue center. I love them dearly, because they don't hurt me. I talk to them and soothe them when they are frightened and injured, and I'm sorry but animals KNOW when you are trying to help them. My daughter thinks I am "delusional" for thinking I can "talk" to them. But can I help having a gift for it, and do I need to say I'm sorry for helping them? Or having a life?

    Recently another volunteer at the shelter came into my life. We hit it off immediately, and now he is like a son to me and his daughter is like my own granddaughter. When I speak of him, my daughter "doesn't want to hear it" because he is not my "real" son, and I will probably "ruin his life" too. But he is Native American (Cherokee) and understands my beliefs more than anyone else. I spent a year with the Cherokee, and we speak the language to each other. Of course, when we do, I am "trying to hide something".

    I know this is way too long, but thanks to all my friends for listening. I try so hard and I don't believe in giving up, but right now it's so difficult to just be me, especially with this DD. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. I knew you'd understand.

    Love and hugs,

  2. Beadlady

    Beadlady Member

    Just wanted to let you know that you are not worthless! It sounds like there are alot of things happening in your life right now and in those cases theralways someone who thinks things are not beinmg done the right way.

    I hope you can take a few minutes each day to concertate what IS GOOD in your life.

    Take care,

  3. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with right now. It's too much for anyone and if you can get some professional help to cope, I highly recommend it. A therapist can help you sort through what is going on and to set boundaries which will help you to protect yourself. Prayers going up. Good luck.

    Love, Mikie
  4. KKMK

    KKMK New Member

    I work in a mental health facility and it sounds to me as though Mickie hit the nail on the head. I think it would benefit you to see a therepist/counselor to help you to set limits and give you another "view" of what your family is doing to you. Of course you couldn't help what happened to your eldest daughter and you are not to blame. Please set up an appt with a local counselor. This would not only be benficial to you, but also your family.

    I would like to add that I am NOT a mental health professional, but when you see it and hear it enough you can see the benefits.[This Message was Edited on 01/18/2012]
  5. 3gs

    3gs New Member

    Hi Stacey first off you are not worthless. I can so relate to your post on many levels,I went thru a toxic meltdown from my daughter that sounds like what you just did.

    Yes you can talk to animals and it is a gift. Something also is getting people to talk to me. Perhaps our daughters are jealous??

    That is so cool about the man and his daughter. Have always thought the Native Americans beliefs were wonderful.

    My heart hurt for you understand the pain that caused also how hard it is to handle with this DD.

    love and hugs back-
  6. rockgor

    rockgor Well-Known Member

    Sorry things are so rough. Next time your outta control daughter calls,
    have her talk to your parrot.

    Serially, you can't get beef wellington at Arby's, and you can't expect
    some people to behave rationally, courteously, and appropriately. And
    you can't control or cure adults who don't want to cooperate.

    With all your medical problems, don't you think you need to put
    impossible people outta your life?

    Sounds like you are not well enough to try Emotions Anonymous meetings.
    They were a great help to me for many years. Have you read "Feeling
    Good" by David Burns. It was another therapeutic step for me.

    Good luck.