Argument with friend/coworker

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by kaymac42, Sep 16, 2009.

  1. kaymac42

    kaymac42 New Member

    Had a blow up at work with boss. Now I'm really thinking it's time to leave and take care of myself and my health. I'm tired of working and battling this disease.

    So my friend/coworker gives me a lecture that turns to argument. She tells me I'm depressed and giving up and that I should fight this disease and think positive. Its NOT cancer, everyone has health problems!!! That I shouldn't give up and quit, etc......

    I am so tired. I hurt all over. I cannot get up off the couch the past 2 days I have been home sick. I have a UTI, and fever, but I've had time to think. Her words really hurt. I've heard them before. Since I don't have cancer, I should not complain??? Is it wrong for me to complain of my pain or my illness because it doesn't KILL me? When I say I need to quit because it's time, my illness is worse and not getting better, when I say this, does that mean I'm being so negative?? Or realistic? Or excepting my illness and limitations? To which she thinks we ALL have aches and pains and get tired.....we ALL why do I speak more of mine and need to give up my job??

    She said she wants to help me? So I told her to read on FM and hear the stories of others how they have given up jobs because of FM. I haven't heard back from her today. I hope she does read up. But still I sit here, stressed out again, because FM has caused another wedge in my life between me and another friend!

  2. isiselixir

    isiselixir New Member

    Your friend sounds like she cares but just does NOT understand. Whether you can bring her to understand or not, it looks like you are ready to take care of yourself and put your needs first which I think is commendable. Sorry such a short reply, I wish you much luck and support in your journey whatever you decide to do (work or not).
  3. kaymac42

    kaymac42 New Member

    Thanks guys. Very well spoken. Sometimes it takes a little nudge from other friends to help a person see the way to go. There really is nothing to argue about. It's my health. Thanks for listening.
  4. kaymac42

    kaymac42 New Member

    Thanks guys. Very well spoken. Sometimes it takes a little nudge from other friends to help a person see the way to go. There really is nothing to argue about. It's my health. Thanks for listening.
  5. kaymac42

    kaymac42 New Member

    Thanks guys. Very well spoken. Sometimes it takes a little nudge from other friends to help a person see the way to go. There really is nothing to argue about. It's my health. Thanks for listening.
  6. That's all you need to say (IF *anything*) to this co-worker/friend(?) that hurt your feelings... I'd say nothing unless asked, and then just either say "fine" & change the subject (IF you stay at your job, you'll know when your body can't take another day/week)

    But, if it *Is* brought up by (her?) or anyone else... the others have said a lot, without saying a lot. It's YOUR body, your health/illness, it's not up for discussion, and how you feel, or what you should/nt do, is not up for debate.

    Hold your head up high, as best you can. I had a very hard time, and still struggle with that too... but, only with "DR's" but, we are ALL humans first. People on HERE pointed out, that doctors, not only are our *equals*.... but, one person had an awesome point- they are your EMPLOYEE- you pay them, for a service... and you are entitled to that service (the subject was doctors, disrespect, hurtful comments- and how SHORT they try to make appts nowadays!!!)

    Anyhow, no one else you work with is better than you, and you are not less important, or valuable than them. This DD can play on our minds in time, (especially with each tiniest of freedom's, dignity, etc that slips past us, etc)... I'm glad we all have each other, to remind each other, that we ARE good people, who didn't ask to be sick, and did nothing wrong to 'deserve' illness, also, to help validate each others sickness & SEVERE pain.

    Hugs, glad you're feeling better
  7. steach

    steach Member

    I can completely relate. The average population has not even heard of Fibro/CFS (other than commercials on TV), the majority of the people have no clue what we feel like or deal with on a regular basis, and the majority can not relate to our daily limitations.

    Sure, they can empathize, but they don't have a true grasp on how we feel- even if we might look well with a little make-up, fix our hair, wear some cologne.......

    Everyone has aches and pains -but- they don't feel ours. If only they could live in our bodies for just one week, or even just one day, they might understand.

    We can't fully understand how other people with illnesses feel and we can expect others to understand us. Even if they are well educated about FM/CFS, they still can't FEEL what we feel; they don't LIVE what we live.

    I think we have to come to terms with ourselves and we can't change what everyone else believes/thinks. Hopefully, one day, enough of us can make an impact on our society. Maybe someday (soon), people will recognize that we have a true illness -but- it first starts with our health care system, doctors, those who are elected officials, ... We have a real battle for ourselves and our future "family" who is diagnosed.

    Don't allow someone else's ignorance to have such an impact on your life and future. Use FMLA if you have it.

    The next time someone says something to you that you don't look sick, you can say to them, "Wow, you don't sick/ill at all, either. But you know, you might want to see your doctor just incase something may be wrong. Who knows what could be lurking in your body!" I know, that it mean! But at least it will give them food for thought!

    Best wishes and hang in there. I know the hurt and anger.

  8. MsE

    MsE New Member

    "Most people are not 'safe' people." It has taken me years to learn to try to live by a saying I heard a long, long time ago: "Never complain; never explain." That's why I come to this board and three friends (two of them email friends who also have this illness) to vent. Wish it were otherwise, but.... I like your wording: "I have health problems." Good statement.
  9. Janalynn

    Janalynn New Member

    There are people who often ask me, "why are you walking that way, are you okay??" out of true concern! Sometimes I"ll just smile and say "yeah, it's just my body..." sometimes I'll say I have Fibromyalgia and leave it at that.

    It's kind of a funny sad, but the person who I share the least with is my closest friend. She never asks me how I am (in regards to this) She has had much pain recently with her shoulders, back etc. and has complained up one side and down the other. All I've said is "yep, tell me about it". I don't give her updates on anything. nothing.

    My family is very caring - so I'm lucky there.

    I have also found lots of people saying things like "I know someone who has that in their hands", but in a tone like it's no big deal. Please don't say things like that - especially in front of other people. It just throws my (our) credibility out the window.

    I try not to complain. Maybe just by nature. I don't know. But I've found it hard to say "Good!" when someone asks me how I am, because they think I'm all better.
    Gosh there is so much emotional/mental stuff with this darn thing, isn't there???

    I think we have all dealt with some hurt feelings and sadly we'll probably deal with more. It's how we process them and handle them. It will get easier hopefully. As others have said - time to worry about YOU!

  10. loto

    loto Member

    to complain about your aches and pains!!!! Just recently I told a friend of mine how awful I've been feeling lately, but I said I hate to complain because there are people who are much worse off than I am, and she said, "yeah, but it's bad for you, so don't feel that way". Or something to that effect, and I thought, yeah she's right! I may not be dying, but I do feel like it some days.
    I do hope your friend reads up on FM and finds out what you are going through. I hate people who think we exaggerate our pain and fatigue! They don't know how lucky they are!

  11. PVLady

    PVLady New Member

    It is not wrong to take care of yourself but I will tell you, I have tried very hard not to tell others about my pain or not feeling well. For many years when growing up, my mother had fibromyalgia. She verbalized her physical problems alot - and I think as a natural reponse, people want to tell you a solution to the problem. Once you open up and say something, that gives the open door to give their opinions. If you don't listen to them, or do what they say, they are angry etc. The best thing is to keep it to yourself unless you are talking to someone else with the same illness. Yes, it is too bad thing have to like this.

    When someone has not experienced what you are going through, it is impossible for them to understand - meaning you should not even expect it. Hopefully, those closest to you in the family have some compassion but friends and acquaintances usually don't.

    Right now, you are probably flaring and have some other infections going on which makes it even worse. You need to think of your better days and decide what the best for you.

    Try not to even consider the advice of others, it really does not count.

    For so many years I was so sick and was forced to adjust my entire life in order to make a living and survive every day, around this DD. In my sickest days I was lying in bed on a heating pad, taking Soma, and, at the same time working on my laptop computer and talking on the phone to customers. What a joke!!!

    I don't know how physically challenging your work is, and maybe you cannot do it. Because of my illness I could not work at a job by 8 or 9 am and work all day. Many years ago I started my own business - first from home in bed :) too funny to think of - then eventually we had to move out of the house. Today, I still work from home 99% of the time - even though I have the outside office. Its called telecommuting I think.

    I do have many friends but none of them know I have fibro (and none would probably be interested). I see them for dinner and lunch and when I am sick or something, I just make a excuse, or even say I don't feel well, but I don't share my personal health information.

    I go see clients but always schedule it late in the day when I have rested. I guess I am saying that eventually you just somehow adjust your life around this illness.

    Your friend sounds kind of immature and definitely does not seem very empathetic. She cannot put herself in your shoes and have compassion. I mean, whatever you say is how it is, no need to come back and try to tell you it is something else. Ridiculous!

  12. Take care of YOU, you and you alone know the pain and exhaustion of this dd. NO ONE except those who deal with this dd can understand what we deal with every day 24/7 365 days, it never leaves us. I don't share what I have because no one cares or has heard of fibro and always has the same pain, etc. NO WAY!

    now I have a kind and caring husband but even he doesn't understand , no way what I deal with just to get through each and every day. good luck to you!
  13. stschn

    stschn New Member

    Yes I've lost a few of what I though were my friends but I don't need that kind of behavior in my life and will not put up with it. Thankfully I have some real friends and family that while they don't understand they do treat me well. Most importantly I've the greatest husband ever possible.
  14. nah.stacey

    nah.stacey Member

    Oh, kaymac, I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    Fibro isn't something anyone understands unless they are going through it.

    Even family doesn't get it and they see how much pain you are in.

    The most frustrating thing of alll I think is when they say or treat you as if you are just depressed. Generally that is the least of it. Sometimes I wish I did have cancer, then I would at least know there would be an end, one way or another.

    I was working at a very good job when my Fibro began. I had no idea what was wrong with me only that the pain was so all over debilitating I would literally crawl under my desk (Oops, I dropped my pen) and lay there until I either quit crying or I could get a grip on it.

    Co-workers have a fairness code that does not take into consideration an illness they can't see. If you have a cast on, they cut you some slack. If you have a fever or throw up they cut you some slack. But what we have they cannot see therefor it must not exist and you are just being whiny.

    I have had fibro for nine years now and I've tried to go back to work three times. Each time has been an abysmal failure. I take more drugs just trying to act normal.

    I wish you well as there really are no anwers here.

  15. tony233

    tony233 New Member

    Quit work and get on disability. I kept working deluding myself that I'd get better. I just ruined my health. The sooner you quit and conserve what little energy you have the better. This well meaning Meddler should keep her mouth shut. She knows nothing about the illness. Dumpe her. You don't need friends who annoy you.