Article: Odd Emergency Events

Discussion in 'General Health & Wellness' started by TwoCatDoctors, Oct 12, 2010.

  1. TwoCatDoctors

    TwoCatDoctors New Member

    Family Webicine
    with Rod Moser, PA, PhD
    Tuesday, October 12, 2010

    Stories from behind the examining room door, as told by Rod Moser, PA, a primary care physician assistant with more than 35 years of clinical experience.

    The Body Bizarre: When Curiosity Lands You in the Doc’s Office

    True Stories That Keep Me in Business

    The medical profession depends a bit on stupidity for economic survival. If it wasn’t for people falling off of unstable ladders, not wearing helmets/seat belts, cigarette smoking, drinking booze, taking drugs, juggling knifes, playing with loaded weapons, trimming branches using a chain saw duct-taped to a broom handle, and unsafe sex, we could be out of business. These stories are true; names withheld to protect the judgment-impaired.

    The Gene Pool Is Shallow, Indeed

    I guess he didn’t use enough duct tape, because the fully-running chain saw slipped and dropped in his lap. When I saw him, he was covered in blood from the waist down. He was sure that he had cut off his penis and testicles. After removing his shredded pants, those important parts were intact; his thigh was ripped in a dozen places and had to be sutured. Some people should really not perpetuate their gene pool. This guy was one of them.

    Another’s mission was to shoot an arrow in the air, quickly pick up the target, catch it on the way back down, and hope to hit the bulls-eye. The arrow missed the target and stuck in the top of his skull. It only hit the part of his brain that wasn’t being used – most of it, apparently.

    Then there was the patient who heard that bee venom was good for arthritis. After catching several bees, he couldn’t convince them to sting him in his painful, arthritic shoulder. They kept stinging his hand; his huge, red, itchy hand.

    What’s Up Down There?

    She was curious about her urethra, so much, in fact, that she inserted a glass thermometer to probe it. It was shorter than she thought, and more uncomfortable. After the “ouch,” she noticed that the thermometer was missing. A kindly urologist removed it from her bladder the next morning.

    Pediatric Predicaments

    Sam was only five. The bolt was shiny and easily fit on his finger like a ring. Unfortunately, it was fire-tempered steel and had a one-way plumbing flange. It took an hour, some local anesthesia, and a bit of raw luck to get that bolt ring off of his finger. This was not his only accident.

    The thrilling ride in the shopping cart started out fun. But when the mother jumped on board, her weight pulled down the handle snapping both of the child’s legs, breaking both femurs mid-shaft. The child recovered — the groceries did not.

    A beloved grandson was standing on the seat of grandpa’s huge dump truck. No seat belts. No car seat. Rounding a sharp corner on a busy street, the child falls out of the open truck window and lands in the road. His life is spared by unseen Guardian Angels. His injuries healed. Grandpa was never the same again.

    Will the Poof Bear’s eyeball fit in my ear? Yes. Can I get it back out? No.

    Twelve-year old Willie couldn’t get the extension cord apart, so he bit down on it to get some better traction. It was still plugged in. Big spark. Willie burned a huge hole in his lower lip and had to have extensive plastic surgery.

    An adventuresome six-year old tried to climb a wooden pole so he could stand on the top. On the way down, his scrotum catches on a nail, and required several stitches. Fortunately for his future family, his testicles were spared. I remember that my mother was really mad.