I had asked anyone on this board if they could do a psychic reading of me to perhaps find out exactly what may be making me feel so sick. While I didn't expect anyone to hit that specific nail on the head, remarkably, I am taken back by two postings that hit on other things. One was by Cindy, the other by FMsoldier. Here is Cindy's reading. joeb7th diagnose me... 10/26/06 09:40 PM Joeb7th, First of all Joe I think you have the right idea of going down to the water and resting your body, mind and spirit. You instinctly know what you need. By doing this you are being still and listening to that quiet voice within...you have those answers within you.... I believe there is so much a mind body connection with you... You are a very sensitve person that picks up much of the energy of things around you, that is why you go down to your special place by the water. This helps clean you, water is very soothing, water has to do with emotions like tears...this is how you let go...this is very good... "I am feeling sadness around you...such a heavy heart,"...." this is weird, I see faded jeans with holes in the knees, the jeans are almost white or bleached....this is what I saw when I read your post.. " I would suggest getting a book by Caroline Myss....The Creation of Health.... We are all on this journey of self awareness and pain can make you sit up and take notice....listen to your body It sounds so beautiful where you live water, pines...ahhh that sounds so much like the place I go to in my mind, where my dream house is...two story all wood, big huge fireplace for the cold winter nights, and the view from the house in winter is just awsome with the pines covered with a dusting of snow...just a dream...but I can go there anytime I want. Well, I wrote a book..sorry... I hope you find your answers Cindy My response back to Cindy. Cindy, Your Post Remarkable. 10/28/06 12:41 PM Cindy, while I posted my original message and for the last 4 days, I have been wearing old, faded blue jeans. Not quite holes in the knees, but old jeans, very faded, white-blue. Not new or dark blue...just old faded jeans. I do not know what the odds are of you correctly saying this description of what I have been wearing ( and I wear these jeans almost all the time ) considering what else a 55 year old guy would wear...but this is exactly what I have been wearing. I am also very connected to the water having been raised next to it my entire life. And yes, there is a powerful and deep sadness all around me that I have carried for a long, long time. Beyond and before this illness. This has been with me since childhood. I had a childhood starting around 8 years old that was one of living in terror every day. My step father was one of the most violent alcoholics between L.A. and San Francisco. Every day and especially at night you feared for your life. Chased out of house so many times at midnight, no place to go ( that is a heart crushing experience ), mother beaten constantly, cops never did much but were called by neighbors hearing screams ( Mother unable to leave, older by then, more afraid of going back on welfare than dying at this guys hands ) years and years of this. Too young to leave until mid-teens. Only describing this because it explains the dark, deep sadness that I cannot shake. Even at my age. The feeling of helplessness and fear and sadness at that early age was so powerful. No one to turn to. No one would do anything to stop this. No one would offer to help us get away with funds or anything. Cryng in elementary school during day, exhausted with fear. Unable to relax, fear constant, still have dreams about this time. Incredibly, I learned to live with this and still marry , have a family, work and be sociable...One can act happy and be darn good at it. And at times, you still can be happy ( kids being born, being able to raise them, etc ) but often people say I have the saddest look in my eyes. Now that I have this torturous illness, it seems I am less able to contain all this.. So your description of my having feelings of sadness around me.... said to me that you saw more than just the feelings surrounding this illness. You are very very right about this. I used to go down to the waters edge as a child and it seemed to be the only place that would calm me somewhat. Sorry for seemingly so self-obsessed and talking about my very personal pain....but your post hit me. You are what I mentioned in my original post. An intuitive. Maybe the jeans thing and sadness things were luck...but the absense of any other descriptions gives me more reasons to believe you actually can mentally see and feel the truth about me more than guessing. I am very working class poor , but I was raised in an area "close" to a very wealthy one. Interesting childhood story; one day as maybe a 13, 14 year old I was wandering the streets here in town at dusk, overwhelmed with dispair at not being able to go back to this house of horrors but with no where else to go. At one point....please belive me here. I am not embellishing this story... I sat down on a curb next to an intersection. I was so overwhelmed with this dispair I began to have tears in my eyes. At this time a limosine pulled up next to me and had to stop for the red light a few cars ahead of it. In the porthole window of the back seat of this limo was a face of an older man who was staring at me as I cried. The man had a pipe in his mouth and hand. He has a hat on. It was Bing Crosby who lived in near by Pebble Beach. I stared back at him too as even I at that age recognized such a famous face. What I recall was that there was absolutely no emotion in his gaze. He looked at me for maybe 20-30 seconds? Not one bit of feeling. I didnt think of this at that time. But as I walked home later and for the rest of my life I was able to reflect on his cold stare. But it didn't make much difference to me. It seemed the entire world didn't care. They didn't have places back in the early to mid-sixties that I recall that said " here. here is a safe place for you to go to. " I know there are angels on earth...but sometimes you go a long time before you run into them. Who knows, maybe I have been watched over all my life and didn't know considering how much I have been given with a family and good wife and all. But, you aren't given this without still be allowed to feel so sad in your heart for so long that you feel like crying it is so heavy and continuous...and you are constantly exhausted by this weight. That part isn't lifed very much. But, so many people in this world have had it worse. I know this. I am luckier than they. But this does explain that aura you described I think.