AT WITS END! (New to Board/Site)

Discussion in 'Fibromyalgia Main Forum' started by Godismystrength, Jul 14, 2012.

  1. I am having one of THOSE DAYS where I can't stop crying due to my seemingly impossible situation! I am a two time cancer survivor who also has ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia. I also have no thyroid gland left due to thyroid cancer, so my body already has an uphill battle. I am a mother of 4, with my youngest being 11 years old and I have a husband who has raging ADD (attention deficit disorder), which is NOT being treated right now because of complications with the last thing we tried. I used to be the one who "held down the fort" before my CFS became much more debilitating a few years ago. Over time, things have become worse and worse as his inability to take charge of the things I can no longer do has caused our home and family life to deteriorate. And as we all know, STRESS brings on severe flares in our condition so it is an impossible situation. He is a passive aggressive personality who seems to not care about anything or anyone anymore. His sleep hasn't been good for a while now because of his responsibilities at work and so that is only exacerbating things and causing me great concern. I try to give him helpful tips for his sleep problems and health, but he won't try or do anything consistently. He has never been a very self-motivated person and its only gotten worse now. He doesn't even try to help himself, and even with my diseases, I continue to seek out solutions and treatments for myself and loved ones. But it is all becoming too much for me to handle... our finances are a shambles because of his neglect, our home is in need of so many repairs that I've lost count! And our yard is in bad need of attention too, but its things my eleven year old can't do and my other children are grown and live far away (with the exception of my third child who is currently home from college but she can't do the type of work that's needed in our yard either). My husband's apathy is causing me and my youngest two children such stress that I can't describe! I hate this for my children! I am a woman of faith, so most of the time I am able to handle this difficult situation through the strength God provides me and I try to pass that along to my children. But right now I feel as though I am in a worse situation than if I were a single mother with this disease because of the stress and strain my husband is causing. We have been married 29 years, but things are becoming too much for me to bare. Does anyone have any advice they can offer? I'm at the end of my rope!
  2. Thanks Jam and Leah. Leah, thank you for your empathetic and kind words. Just curious though... how did you know my youngest was male since I didn't mention that? But you're right, I do always tell him how wonderful he is (I tell my daughter the same) and tell them what a blessing they are. But I guess today everything seemed to come crashing in on me... Didn't help matters that I got very little sleep because of my ongoing concern with my husband's situation. Can't seem to get him to get to the doctor to seek help. He went to one finally a while back, but that doctor did nothing to help him. I had to try countless doctors and homeopaths over the years before I finally got a correct diagnosis of ME/CFS, (not to mention tons of research online no matter how bad I felt) and my husband knows that persistence was the only way I've ever gotten the help I've needed. But for some reason, he will not help himself! It is maddening! And its affecting our entire family. But I will keep praying about this, and ask others to pray as well. I just have to keep reminding myself that "with God, ALL things are possible." Thanks again!
  3. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    I felt such empathy for you when I read what you are trying to cope with, and what you have been through. I actually felt a bit of pressure in my chest as I tried to put myself in your position,so I can only imagine the weight of all these things upon you and your children.

    Unfortunately, most men just do not seek out medical attention when they should. And the last thing they like, is us as their wives, "nagging" them, as they would put it. They tend to take our encouragement and eveno our reasoning with them as nagging. That is so frustrating! Is there a male family member or friend who could talk him into going to the doctor?

    I have no advice, except perhaps to continue to talk to those here on the board who live with these diseases and have similar or different issues they are dealing with. Sharing can act as a pressure valve of sorts, allowing you to express all those emotions bottled up inside and ready to burst at the most inopportune times. Having CFS & FM wears us out so much, it makes us vulnerable to emotions we would normally be able to contain.

    You have been married a long time and right now it may not seem advantageous, but when one leaves their marraige they tend to find there were plenty of things done by the other partner that they didn't notice, think about or value. And being a woman of faith, you have to take into account what your conscience could bear if you were to end the marraige. Only you know where you are in your marraige of course. Certainly your feelings are totally understandable. Anyone would have those feelings come up under such a complicated situation.

    By the way, did your CFS become much worse after the thyroid was done for? I went from pretty good functioning to a landslide into the severe state after my thyroid was radiated. You are right! The thyroid being gone, or dysfunctional, brings a whole new set of physical symptoms and challenges.

    Sending you some love and a hug,

    [This Message was Edited on 07/14/2012]
    [This Message was Edited on 07/14/2012]
  4. Jam, you are right... I need to make sure I'm getting enough sleep... need to get to bed much earlier than I usually do... will be working on that! Thanks!

    And Michele, thanks so much for your empathy and understanding. Yes, I DEFINITELY noticed a downward slide in my symptoms after getting my entire thyroid removed and then radiated multiple times. For me, it went like this: diagnosed with fibromyalgia around 1995... melanoma diagnosed in 1997... thyroid cancer in 1998... severe mononucleosis that would not go away (or what I believe to be the onslaught of the CFS) in 2004 but didn't get correctly diagnosed with CFS till August 2010. And didn't really get any real grasp or understanding of the disease till August of 2011 when I traveled 12 hours by car to see a specialist in CFS/ME, who confirmed the diagnosis. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I had three small children but still managed to be pretty active and maintain a normal life, althougb there was a day here and there that I had to be bedridden, but that was the exception. I pushed to exercise at that time and it helped keep my pain in check. After the cancers, in 2001, I had my fourth child, and although difficult, I was still able to function for the most part, although I noticed that I couldn't exercise anymore... everytime I tried, I would get sick with upper respiratory symptoms. January 2004 was the start of my downward spiral, when I was diagnosed with Mono that wouldn't go away. Suddenly, I was debilitated and my life was never the same. But I am still hopeful for improvement and a cure. And am thankful for this site! Thanks so much for your kind and helpful words! Such a blessing.... Shel
    [This Message was Edited on 07/14/2012]
    [This Message was Edited on 07/14/2012]
  5. One of my concerns too is that my husband is exacerbating my condition and preventing me from even having a chance at remission or improvement in my CFS symptoms... and that because of this, I will continue to get progressively worse and more disabled at an accelerated rate. I need to be there for my kids' especially my youngest, but I feel like I'm getting worse because of this toxic situation. Everything I've read on managing our condition mentions that we should stay away from toxic people. But what do you do if that person is your spouse? Our marriage has always been difficult because of the ADD and my husband's very apathetic ways, but I was always determined to work at it and make it work. But now I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place and my health is the casualty. I've beem praying about all this, but don't know how much more I can take....
  6. gb66

    gb66 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you found this board. It's a great help to be able to vent and to find others who share your symptoms and frustrations.

    I'm so sorry you're having so much on you at one time. I can identify with some of the problems but not all. I know what it's like to have my house falling down around me. Due to my daytime sleep habits and allergies to all things chemical, we have not been able to do normal upkeep on out home for a long time.

    I try not to think about it or stress about it because it's not as important as keeping myself as healthy as possible to combat all the illnesses I've developed in the past few years. I believe the time will come when I'll be better and we'll be able to tackle these chores.

    I have been helped through this difficult time by watching Joyce Meyer on tv and on the internet, and reading some of her books, particularly "Battlefield of the Mind". It's helped me a lot. She's a Christian Bible teacher.

    I will pray for you and your family. I try to focus on today and not worry so much about the future. It's hard to do. I'm a worrier. One minute at a time. Focus on doing what you can to feel better and not trying to change anyone else, you can't anyway.

    It's amazing what just this one change will do to calm you down. Hugs and prayer, GB66
  7. Thank you, Jam, gb66 and Leah! You have all been blessings!

    Jam, I too used to be on Synthroid for many years, but it was causing my heart to do crazy things in my chest. Didn't help that my doc at the time liked to keep his cancer patients in a hyperthyroid state. When I finally discovered an alternative medicine doctor who was three hours away, she put me on "Naturethyroid" which is similar to Armour. It's an all natural thyroid hormone derived from pigs. I have done MUCH better on this hormone. No more crazy heart symptoms, thank God!

    gb66, I, too, am familiar with Joyce Meyers and have the very book you mentioned! I read it years ago and even gave copies to friends and family! So I do know what a powerful and helpful book that is. (Small world!) I enjoy watching and listening to Charles Stanley and David Jeremiah. They always bless me! I also get the "In Touch" monthly publication from Charles Stanley's ministry which always blesses me beyond words. Another book/devotional that has blessed me so much is "Streams in the Desert".... it is perfect for folks like us who are suffering and incapacitated.... extremely encouraging. Next to God's Word, I would say that "Streams..." has encouraged me and given me strength when I was at my weakest and most discouraged. I recommend it highly!

    Leah, thank you for your understanding, empathetic and kind words. It really helps to know others care! And understand! I am definitely praying for God's guidance, and I know He will lead me to make the right decision. He's never let me down! I just need to be patient (never easy!) while I wait and pray for His guidance.

    But I can't thank each of you enough for your support and encouragement! I know that God uses others as vessels of His love and encouragement... thank you all for being those vessels! God bless each and every one of you! I hope I will have the chance to return the blessing! Thanks again for your love and prayers... Shel
  8. Jam, I wrote one response to three of you who were kind enough to respond to my last post... but realized I forgot to mention the grape seed extract you spoke of. I have heard of it but never tried it. I'm willing to try just about anything if it will increase my energy, so I will give it a whirl. Just need to know what the usual dosage it. Thanks so much!
    God bless, Shel
  9. MicheleK

    MicheleK Member

    I totally understand where you are coming from as far as the extreme stress from your marraige and it's effect on your illnesses. I too went through that, only for different reasons. I did eventually separate but did not get a divorce. I tried everything before taking that step. But in the end I HAD to separate for the sake of my health and children. I couldn't deal with my husbands extreme issues and these diseases. I was getting worse.

    It was the hardest decision of my life. I determined to just separate without going to court and he did not resist me on this so I did not have to file for a legal separation. I personally wouldn't file for a divorce due to my faith.

    It took a number of months but I did start to improve some. But then I had to go out and work, something I did not have to do when my husband was with me. So that was a whole new stress on my body and on my children. This is why only you can make such a decision. You are the only one who will deal with the pros and the cons of such a move. Listen to your gut but also have a plan before you make any moves.

    My husband and I did reunite after a few years. He had gone and done the work of changing his situation. He is now a wonderful husband. In my case, I separated for my health. Without him I had emotional peace but I also had more physical stress and a heavier responsibility load. Neither state was ideal but I think I would make the exact same decision today if I was living like that.

    The reason I said make sure your Christian conscience can handle separating or divorcing is because you did say you were a person of faith. I really felt terrible about the separation and beat myself up inside over it. It took me a lot of help from the Elders and friends to help me get over my disappointment and feeling of having done something I had not beleived in as far as my faith goes. I was quite fortunate that I had and have such a good support base socially.

    I really wish you peace. Hugs, MicheleK
  10. FaithHopeCure

    FaithHopeCure New Member

    I have read this post and have related so much to your story. I have wanted to leave my complicated marriage many times because I felt my husbands issues were making my fibro worse. Luckily, when I get to the point that I am fed up then I tell him and he does straighten up for awhile. Which means he has to check in with his doctor and make changes in his meds and eating, sleeping and work habits.
    Like you, I work very hard at keeping my health at the best place it can be. I have to ask him to leave the house for a few days until he can decide whether to take take of himself or not. He loves me and our son and does know when his CFS/depression/behavior starts effecting our marriage and his work. So he does go to a hotel to chill out and thinks things through. He comes back knowing that he has to start meeting with his doctors again. This happens about once a year. It's taken years of threapy for me to stand up for myself and him to respond well to my needs. He has seen therapy as well. So I am so thankful for that.

    Just take one hour at a time to focus on yourself and your needs and then try to take care of your youngest sons needs. One hour at a time comfort and heal yourself. I have been at that place where I had to tell myself to get through the next hour and slowly day by day things did get better, but only after I told my husband what my needs were.
    [This Message was Edited on 07/16/2012]
  11. Mikie

    Mikie Moderator

    I don't have much energy to post these days but wanted to welcome you to the board. I find faith and prayers help to get through our illnesses but sometimes, we need medical intervention. I was fortunate enough to have good therapists when I went through my divorce and again, when I needed help with grieving the loss of my health and my old life. Since we cannot change another, we need help with coping skills for ourselves. It can be a real life changer. Our illnesses are not just confined to our bodies but also to our minds, spirits, relationships, finances, etc. We need to address whatever is the most critical at the moment and then, work our way down to other needs. Sometimes, it's difficult to know just where to begin. We can't fight our problems alone and that's why this is such a wonderful place for support. We also need professional help just to keep afloat. Best of luck to you.

    Love, Mikie
  12. Thanks so much, Jam, Michele, FaithHopeCure and Mikie.... your support and caring mean so much!

    Jam, I will try the grapeseed oil and let you know how it goes! And yes, I am thankful for so much, in spite of this DD and difficulties with my husband... Mu husband can still be a blessing in spite of all the stressors...

    And Michele, thanks so much for your support... you are blessed to have such a supportive church and friends. I lost all that when this DD progressed to the point that I was unable to attend church anymore and was unable to be active in the different ministries and Bible Studies, etc.... I do still have occasional contact with a few of them, but only because of social networking. Just one of the many losses this disease causes. But my faith is stronger than ever, as my isolation (of sorts) caused me to depend on God even more and allowed me more one on one time with Him. I feel as though I know the Lord better now BECAUSE of this/these disease(s) rather than IN SPITE OF this/these disease(s). But of course, I do still miss the friends and activities I used to enjoy.... don't think that will ever change.

    FaithHopeCure and Mikie, thank you both for your kindness and caring! It def helps to know that others care and understand. Encouragement is a powerful thing and always such a blessing. Thank you for taking the time to encourage me! God bless each of you, as we continue to seek ways to help ourselves and each other! I thank God for this site and this board.... and for each of you. Praying for each of you as well... Hugs, Shel
    [This Message was Edited on 07/18/2012]