Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by getfitat40, Dec 11, 2006.

  1. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    Hi Mary,
    How are you? I hope well and for H too. I feel good but tired and very happy that I have tomorrow off too.

    I'm home from an exhuasting visit to my sisters. It was nice and I think it is the first visit in a very long time K and sis did not have a blow up fight. However I am really worried about both of them. And to top it off if I hear from my sister one more time that she can't understand how I made it through college I am going to scream. I finally said something to day about how she was making me feel and if she said similar things to K it is no wonder that K is so angry.

    My sister is so incredibly book smart but really has no common sense. I know it is not for me to judge her but come on everyone is different and learns differently. It took me years to realize how smart I was because I was so used to the label of being the creative one - it was ok to get B's and C's...but now I understand that getting in to college is harder then ever.

    But sis is leaning towards getting her on medicine. She thinks it is the easy fix and K wants it too. But both BIL and I think it is wrong. I tried to explain to her that meds aren't magic and getting used to them and habing them work will take about 4-6 weeks and she couldn't just stop them - but instead wean off of them. I am so worried about all of it and I can do nothing about it.

    Furthermore, sis beleives that K's anemic again and that is causing her fatigue. Her iron levels were low but within normal range. I worry that she is depressed.

    Well that is it for tonight...I am exhausted. Take care and I'll check in tomorrow.

  2. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    I am so jealous (sort of) about flying a plane. I would love to do it too but at the same time it scares the heck out of me. It sounds like you feeling good - this is a very good thing.

    I think they are thinking about Strattera - I told my sister that I was on it for the severe fibro fog I get and the counselor was glad because it was the best for kids.

    You nailed it on the head about my sis and bil trying to fit her into a hole...sis told me on Monday that they have to lower their expectations about what K can achieve. It is statements like that get my dander up - one of my huge issues with my sis is that it is always about her.

    Long story short - my 40th birthday - she was planning it what ever it was. But it had to be on her schedule so it couldn't be on my birthday because it wasn't convenient for her. I told her that was ok I would plan it and I threw myself a party and all of my friends came and my parent's came up for it. It was in my brother's back yard.

    Dear sis was so mad because her opinion was that I was being selfish since I was doing it on my birthday - and since she couldn't come - I should not have had my parent's come up for it. She felt I got to see my parent's more then her and I should not have been so selfish as to have them up without her. it went on and on and she called me and just yelled and screamed at me and wouldn't let me talk at all....and then hung up on me.

    So I wrote her a letter basically saying that this was not about her - this was about me for once and it was my b-day and if there is a day to be selfish it was on your b-day. I also talked about how hard this b-day was for me (I never expected to turn 40 without being married and having kids) and that I needed to celebrate it otherwise it would be too hard to deal with it all. So this is a typical story of my sister and I.

    So this thing with K is just another example - when my sister talks about it she uses 'we' like we still have a C in French. Very annoying...and then she compares K to my nephew over and over just like my parent's did with me re: my sis and bro. However my parents accepted that I was creative and social and emphasized that. It was fine because they never ever said that I couldn't be or I wasn't as smart as they were but I had other talents and interests.

    So anyway thanks for listening and wish them all luck... take care, Nancy
  3. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    You are truly wise. You nailed it on the head but I do not know how to get through to my sister about it. And I do realize that I really cannot help more on this. I can be a sounding board for both of them but ultimately they have to figure it out.

    The pressures on this kid are just too much. And I agree that sis is creating the problem. She is definitly a control freak and is the eldest so it shouldn't surprise me at all. Being the youngest I want everyone to be happy and I am the pleaser. What happens then is I get too emotionally involved with issues that I can't fix and then I get frustrated.

    Kelly is unique but my sis and bil and even my nephew have this skewed view on accomplishments - ie - you must get high grades to be successful rather then looking at other ways she is successful - she can paint & draw and expresses herself wonderfully this way; she writes both poetry and papers very well; she plays both the piano and guitar by ear; she is unbelievably compassionate and makes friends with kids that others dismiss as weird; and she is funny.

    So she gets a C in French and History - she wants to go to Michigan Tech (where her Dad went and my Dad went) to be an areospace engineer and she thinks that my sis and bil don't beleive she can do it. She wants to get an engineering degree of some sort because my dad, bil and sis are all engineers and that is what my nephew is aiming for. She is equating being successful and smart as being an engineer of some sort. I revolted differently - I had NO desire to be an engineer and went LA&S.

    I also worry about the drinking incidences - not that I wasn't experimenting at that age. The difference was I never got caught...whether I was smart or my parents didn't track me very well - K keeps getting caught and then lies to her parents that SHE is not drinking and they buy that. I guess this is part of the vanity trap - my daughter would never do that! Duh - I just don't understand why my BIL at least doesn't recongize this lie.

    I am scared that my sis will win this fight and put her on some drug and then K will drink and cause herself all kinds of issues. But as long as they see her as not living up to thier expectations her self esteem will continue to deteriate. They need to change their expectations and praise/reward K for what she has accomplished.

    I wish I could convince my sis on this but while K equates success/smarts with engineer, my sis equates only grades as a measure of success. It is almost that she wants K to be ADD so there is a reason for her issues in school.

    Anyway thanks for listening and I hope you get a nap in are YOU is all about me right now and that is not fair.
  4. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    You remind me of another friend on my WW message board - she is our wise old (not literally old) owl. Once again you nailed it - right brained v left brained. Kelly and I are both right brained in families of left brained is really hard for both of us. And yes I need to continue to validate K because she needs it.

    The drinking thing is extremely alarming for me because of my bil's family history of alcoholics and addicts. My sister tried to drive home the realness of addiction on Saturday night by telling Kelly about bil's brother who ran away from home and lived on the streets and got Aids and died from it. I used to tease that if anyone could drive my BIL to be alcoholic it was my sister. There is nothing funny about it any more. I am scared for K and I don't know how to get through to her.

    Ok I need to finish packing cookies and candy for tomorrow's potluck. And for what it is worth I don't like getting older either - but the alternative is worse. I get blue around the holidays too but I am trying to count my blessings instead of dwelling on what I don't have. Easy to say hard to practice and I am not certainly not an expert. Hang in there...Nancy

  5. getfitat40

    getfitat40 New Member

    Mary - sorry to hear about H's seizure today. How is she feeling tonight? And I love Kermit!

    I had bought toys this year for Toys for Tots but I usually adopt a family so at the last minute yesterday I asked for a family - got the list at 3 this afternoon and I have to turn it in tomorrow so I power shopped and now I am so tired but it feels good...

    Talk to you tomorrow...Nancy