I still feel lonely at times, I haven't really been on here since 2004, 4 years. Sometimes I feel all alone in the world, especially after my long term girlfriend stabbed me in the back. We were together for just over two years. Things were going great, I thought. About a year after we started going out, we started talking about getting married. One day, two years into the relationship, I asked her to marry me, on her birthday. I thought it would be the perfect time to do so, it wasn't in a public place, but in her home, alone. The look on her face was if she was offended, even angry. I thought that she was just in shock, and that she would be alright in a moment, but she wouldn't talk to me after that, at all. I found out later, thrue friends of all things, that she had lied about ever wanting to get married. I didn't believe it at first, but I e-mailed her about it, and she said," you looked so sad when I said no." She then said, in other words, but the message I recieved was she was affraid I would leave her if she didn't say she wanted to. So she lied to me to keep me"happy" instead of being honest. That's all I ever wanted from her or any woman, instead she was thinking of herself. Everything I ever did, I did for her. I would stay up with her in the hospital if she was sick, ALL NIGHT. I would pay for her 50 dollar co-pays a total of 5 times, and never once demanded she pay me back. I tried everything to make her happy. That's why it killed me so much to find out about that. She was my whole world. What's worse for me is that I realized that I meant absolutly nothing to her. Right after that day I proposed, she apparantly went online looking for a new boyfriend. That was another stab in the back. The guy she hooked up with turned out to be a jerk, which gave me a good feeling, no offense to anyone intended, and took her for $1,000 at least from what I understand, and went into hiding. Now she at least knows what she did to me feels like. The kicker of it is she wants me back. Don't worry, that'll never happen, but it's hard because deep down inside I still love her though it's been 11/2 years since we split. Another hard thing for me is that I have no one to tell it to, no one I feel close enough to tell it to, who understands where i'm coming from. See, it's more then just what I've just said. Growing up, I was always laughed at, teased, and shunned by all the girls I saw in school( I was 5'4, 225 and NOT muscular). Later on any girls who were interested in me turned me down when they found out their friends didn't like me, even though I never did anything wrong to the what so ever. I never even talked with them. I thought I finally found someone I could trust with all my heart, body, and soul, but I was wrong. It's "funny" too. After we split I ended up going back on anti-depressants, anger pills, and anxiety medications. I'm putting this on here because I'm sick of being alone in this despare because believe it or not, I was once truely a happy, friendly, genuinly descent man. Now, it's no more then a wonderful act at times, but always a dream. I'm crying out for someone out their to truely care. It would be nice if I met a woman like that, I'm always looking for that one, but what I really want, more then the love, kindness, and favor of God himself, is people, not a person, but people who I can talk to this about, get to know beyond this website, and become good friends with no matter where they live. There is no distance between the friendship shared by people.