Back in the bottomless pit.

Discussion in 'Spirituality/Worship' started by Lms526, Dec 13, 2007.

  1. Lms526

    Lms526 New Member

    Are things EVER going to change for me? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I know I recently posted saying that I was doing much better. Well....I was wrong. Those feelings of stability lasted about a day. This week has been incredibly rough. I am really struggling with lack of motivation. I force myself to get out of bed each day, but i honestly don't want to even do that. But since I still am not sleeping well, I don't really want to stay in bed all day either. I have a free sample of 25 mg of Seroquel that the nurse practioner gave me at my October appointment. It's only 25 mg, but I'm really afraid to take it. But there is not a word in the English language to describe how tired and exhuasted I am. I am physically, emotionallly, spiritually, and mentally exhausted. Actually, exhausted is not a strong enough word. I've also been really really depressed again lately. Even on my "good" days my depression is pretty severe. But sometimes, it gets unbearable. That's what it has been this week. And the worse thing about it is that I don't even know why! A friend recently asked if there was something in my life that triggered the worsening depression. There hasn't been anything.

    I also still don't have a job. I had that interview last week, but i don't think I got the job. But that isn't really much of a surprise because they had a lot of candidates to pick from. I applied for another job yesterday. But i don't know if anything will come of that either.

    I really hate this time of year. The older I get, the more I hate it. I sometimes wish I could just hibernate all winter like a bear and then wake up when it's spring.

    I'm also finding myself getting angry at God again. I keep literally pleading with Him to either deliver me from this crippling depression or else just take me home. But He won't do either one. I just don't understand why. Sometimes, I find myself thinking that God must like seeing people suffer. I will never completely give up on God, but He and I haven't been on the best of terms for awhile now. I recently talked with a close friend of mine who has also struggled with severe depression. I told her that I just don't want to live this way anymore. I can't take even one more day.

    I have also had serious thoughts of flushing the stupid generic prozac down the toilet. I get frustrated every morning when I take it. I haven't stopped taking it, but I want to. I really want to switch to a different drug. I just feel like 20mgs isn't cutting it. I would like to give Zoloft a try. Because the starting dose for that one is 100 mgs and I know there is a generic. I had the dose upped at the end of October. So I've been on the higher dose almost 2 months.It will be 2 months on Christmas Eve. When I saw the nurse practioner last, she told me that I didn't have to see her again for 6 months unless I had some sort of a problem. But I just can't imagine feeling this horrible every day for the next 6 months. I don't know what I should do. I'm thinking about maybe calling the nurse practioner, but I don't know if I should. But I would really like to try a different med. I feel just as depressed now as I did before starting the medication. So what is the point of taking it?

    I'm also really afraid that my friends are going to start just giving up on me. It takes a major effort just to pick up the phone. I have a friend in Nevada who I used to write once a month. Lately, I've been writing her about every 4-6 months. I don't even have the energy to sit down and write an e-mail. I almost never call anyone. If people want to talk to me, they almost always have to call me.

    Every time I think I've hit my lowest point, I hit a new low. I feel like I have fallen into a bottomless abyss. I try to stop myself from falling, but there is nothing to grab on to. Most of the time, I feel like it is a major accomplishment just to get through the day. I'm not really living. I'm surviving. And that's about it.

    Thanks for letting me vent. I honestly don't know how much good it will do to pray for me. It hasn't done much good so far. But if you feel led or inclined to pray for me, go ahead. But I can't pray for myself. Sometimes I want so badly to pray. But every time I try, I just can't seem to find the words to truly express what I am thinking and feeling. I can't even get it straight in my own messed up head, much less trying to explain it to someone else. Even when that someone else is God.

    I know this got pretty long, so please thank you for reading. I'm sorry to be redundant. I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over and over again.

  2. Jana1

    Jana1 New Member

    I am so sorry for your pain in life. I can hear how real it is through your words. I can hold your hand as you deal with this and cry with you in your pain. BUT, I can also pray for you as you can not do it for yourself. I am glad I have your bio to help me know you better and who I am praying for.

    You are so young, I am certain you have a better life ahead of you, and you will come out of this despairing time. I pray for you to have the strength to find a doctor who will stay with you as you try meds to find just the right one for you. I pray for you to become more clear minded so you can invision a better life. I pray that you will have courage to face your depression and know you can find your way through to a better life.

    God, you hear me call out to you on behalf of this woman. I plead with you to hear her unspoken prayers..She cannot go on like this, I claim your promises to answer all who call out your name. Please God, give her rest. Give her peace in her spirit so that she can rest. Give her relief if only for a while so she can clearly think of a plan to get help. Lord, I know you love, her SHOW her your love with peace for her, I claim this in Jesus name, amen..

    I will continue this prayer this night...Goodnight for now, Jana

  3. springwater

    springwater Well-Known Member

    Dear LMS526

    What is the reason some of us are made to suffer so? Why are some of us thrown into such darkness and despair it seems like there is no way out of it and the only solution seems to not exist?

    I dont know for sure. Some of 'them' say its to learn our lesson here on evolve. Some of them say its the 'what we reap is what we sow' but some of us never sowed such bad stuff so why would we reap such?

    I wish I could be there with you. So I could actually do something concrete to make you feel better (dunno what, cook you some warm soup and do your laundry or something..I know how disinclined to do anything one gets at these times...)and not just offer words of comfort. I know what its like...having been many times in the 'pit' myself. How frightening and lonely and helpless it is..when that black cloud envelopes you and you cant seem to shake it off. No one should have to go thru this.

    All I can say is...I felt that way too...times when i begged God to take my life..But Ive come out of it (and so will you)...for me Prozac worked....but only after other trials, other drugs. And a whole lot of other things like diet control, exercise, breathing exercises and prayer. If youre not feeling better by now you should change your meds...

    About the job, can it wait till you feel a little better? When being interviewed its imperative you give off good positive vibes....why dont you wait till this black thing lifts...and it will does get better...

    praying for you to be well really soon, that you again feel positive and enthusiastic about life, that you get a good job the kind you want and that you attract everything good and positive in life towards yourself

    God bless

  4. laura3951

    laura3951 New Member

    boy can i feel for you, i am in it too, 3 kids in georgia where the drought hit hard, we owned a landscaping business, i have ra we lost all our benefits, yes i went to the gov for help which was hard enough now they cut us none of this could we have planned on, but people treat us as if it is a lack of initative. christmas is impossible, and to top it off a good friend of mine was stabbed at kroger a few nights ago. talk about being agry at god, i am in college full time my husband is doing any odd job he can there is no lack of initative. i am so sick of feeling like a charity case and not knowing where the next utility bill is coming from i just wanna go to sleep and know i have a home, i will not buy christmas gifts when i dont know if i can pay the power, but explain that to a 3 year old, i wish i had an answer for you but i can only say i relate and feel for you both of us need to hang on and pray for change i sure hope it happens love laura
  5. Lms526

    Lms526 New Member

    Just wanted to let you know that I got my meds upped again. I'm now on 40 mgs. Today is the first day. So I don't know if it will make much difference or not, but I'm hoping so. I only took the higher dose about an hour ago, so I don't know yet if it is making much difference yet.

    I also found out that the nurse practioner I was seeing is no longer with the clinic. I was kind of surprised to find that out, but honestly, I think it might turn out to be a good thing. I never really felt like she listened to me anyway. I also got the feeling that she really didn't understand depression. She seemed to think that my depression was mild, when it reality, it was paralyzing.

    Nothing new to report on the job front. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

  6. Sweetpotatoe

    Sweetpotatoe New Member

    I am praying for you and thinking of you often. I read your posts and didn't know what to say, I will pray for you.

    Keep hanging on, I know you are having a hard time, I pray it passes soon, I truly hope the new year brings change and renewed hope in your life. I hope the meds start to kick in and bring a reprieve from the depression.

    Merry Christmas, I truly hope and pray you experience peace and enjoy time with your family.


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