Bad begining to New Year :(

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Hawkeye, Jan 1, 2007.

  1. Hawkeye

    Hawkeye New Member

    Well I had a very rude awakening last night at 1:20am.

    My "good boy" who is 15 years old went to a friends house earlier in the evening so stay all night and the phone call came from the local grocery store where by the way this child works. He and a friend decided to go I guess to get some alcohol and the friend had his pockets full of small bottles of some sort of wine cooler. Kyle had nothing but he was there which makes him guilty in my eyes so anyway, the store gets wise the friend takes off running and is combative, Kyle stayed back, took his punishment by getting caught and admiting to stealing a 2.00 bottle of Orange Juice....and the child had money in his pocket!!

    I am so upset, he has to go to court on Monday for being out after curfew and for stealing. He was also very upset, but I give him credit for not lying and for being respectful of the management and to the police officer who did commend him also.

    I haven't decided on his full punishment yet, I am going to make him go down here pretty soon and apologize to the manager of the store and discuss the future of his employment there....and NOT stay the night anywhere for a long, long time.

    I tell you what it just never ends raising these teenagers does it? I have three boys, my oldest is 21 and he was a piece of cake but my next 2 are twins who are 15 and they are making me age way before my time.....

    I just needed somewhere to vent, I really don't have anyone that I feel that I want to share this with right now.

    Happy New Year...any advice on what has worked with you all?
  2. boltchik

    boltchik New Member

    Sorry you had such a rude awakening! Not a fun way to start the New Year. I can relate, frustrating. I have a 15 yr. old son myself. He was a good student all the way through middle school. And, then high school came! We have been on him every since his freshman year, he is a sophomore now. He just does not understand why grades are so important. He has been caught with pot twice, and got suspended for fighting just before the Christmas break.

    The thing is, he is a good kid. He is not out of control with his behavior, he listens at home. This is an extremely selfish age, I am finding out. I am trying to think of how I acted at this age. Yes, I did do many things that my parents did not know about. But, grades were always very important to me. It's so hard, because you don't want your kids to make the same mistakes you did.

    It sounds like you are on the right track. You are going to punish him and have him take responsibility for his actions. That is so important. I think too many kids today do not take responsibility for their own actions. That is so refreshing that he showed respect to management and the police, many kids would not. Our son is on restriction until his grades come up, no cell phone, no computer. We just keep telling ourselves he will thank us someday. Your son will too. Take care and Happy New Year, hope it gets better soon! Kim :)
    [This Message was Edited on 01/01/2007]
    [This Message was Edited on 01/01/2007]
  3. elliespad

    elliespad Member

    Well, that is bad news. But,,,,IF he is truely sorry, embarrassed, remorseful, then it is good he got caught young AND early, when it wasn't a larger problem. He can learn about consequences to poor decisions. Much to learn from this, so look at it as a painful learning experience.

  4. sues1

    sues1 New Member

    He is at the age to try something.....just to see if he can get away with it or afraid not to go along with his "friends".

    You are right in your attitude on this. But he sounds like he might be a really good kid too. I hope he learned something from this.

    I am proud that he did not lie and so forth. This is the same thing he must do in court. He should not sugar coat it or be goody goody acting......but just himself and he should tell the judge that he was wrong, admit to it and say he is sorry. Tell him to look the judge in the eye and answer any questions simply. This will help him a lot.

    Also I have no idea on his clothing choices, but no jeans or oversized baggy clothes or pants hanging half way down. Proper clothing shows respect for the court and also himself. Let us know how he does.

    When you kick him in the back side, also give him a hug, but also tell him that you will not allow such out of him. He is too good to waste.

  5. alaska3355

    alaska3355 New Member

    I hope he learned from his mistake. I think you are doing the right thing in limiting his "overnights." Maybe he could foster some new friendships. Anyway, I hope things go well with the judge today.
  6. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    sleeping over a few years ago. they should be at home letting their parents do the guidance. it is crazy out there in this world. alot of parents leave or try to leave the burden on us good responsible parents.

    all of cody's friends he had in middle school are no longer really friends at all. cause they are smoking pot, ciggs, or drinking, popping pills. this includes the older teamates on his football team. he has had the smarts in a sense to isolate himself from these types of children.

    he has decided to not hang out w/these types of people because he does not want to be considered part of that association of deviance.

    sorry to hear that your son was influence in some way, but he still make his own choice to steal. yes, i would be outraged as well as you are. but a justifiable punishment now will help instill your family morales and that type of behavior is not acceptable. he needs to pay the for the consequences now, so hopefully he does not do further damage to himself in the future.

    therapy would be good for the family. you can not worry about what the other families will do about their childrens actions. but you can control your son's.

    i would say no more sleepovers till he is 18. because ultimately you as the parents are most likely w/be held accountable for your son's behavior in some way in this incident. atleast here where i live we are.

    i had cody wanting a friend, old one, wanting to spend the night last night i said no! he said forrest doesn't have any weed on him. i still said no. i didn't tell him i have prescription narcototics in my house and money that i didn't want stolen.

    well you get my drift hopefully your son w/not make this mistake twice.

    good luck

  7. hugs4evry1

    hugs4evry1 New Member

    I don't know, but in some small way I'd be really proud of him for staying and taking his punishment. If this is his first try to doing something stupid, it just might also be his last.

    Did you ask him why he lifted the OJ when he had the money? Was it just to look cool in front of his 'friends'? Of course we know this is poor judgement but kids most often need to learn it the hard way.

    Wouldn't life be simple if kids did as we told them to, and never strayed from a straight and narrow path? Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Kids need to learn things the hard way, just like I know I did.

    Sleepovers...are another matter. My daughter spent the night at a friend's house and the parents slapped the friend with everyone there and watching.

    I made up my mind then and there to have all sleepovers at my house. The kids were welcome, but I knew what they were doing. It gave them a safe place to be and have fun together which kids do need so much.

    For me, it would be awhile until trust is earned back and if it were my child, there wouldn't be any more sleepovers at anyone else's house, just my own.

    I have a really good feeling that your son is still a good kid. Remember, we all make mistakes. (I'm not trying to trivialize it, but the fact that you're upset means you're also doing a good job too)


    Nancy B
  8. Hawkeye

    Hawkeye New Member

    Thanks you to all for sending me such kind words and support. I really needed it. I really try to be a good parent and I really do have three great kids but Kyle just made a HUGE error in judgement. Of course that isn't what I called it to him but I can't put that on the board! LOL

    I was quite shocked to find out that the kid that he was with had been in trouble before and still yet Kyle was hanging around with him. I really was. Too bad there isn't a application/interview type situation you have to put your childs friends and parents through so you totally get to know them. It is very frightening.

    He is a very clean cut, well mannered kid so I am not worried about how he will present himself in court. I am just hoping that he truly does learn a lesson and not repeat his poor judgment in the future, but like I told him everyone makes mistakes and everyone has done something that they regret. Just please learn from it and remember how you feel right now.

    He will not be staying the night anywhere for a very long time that's for sure....that definately just leads to trouble I have found out the hard way.

    Thanks again for your support!
    I love you guys on this board!
  9. Denamay

    Denamay New Member

    Dear Karen,
    The best thing that could happen did happen. Your son was caught.

    I was caught shop lifting when I was 15, it was a dare.

    Being found out and being confronted was enough for me, oh the shame of it!

    That was 52 years ago and I have been a honest citizen ever since.

    Your son most likely has learned his lesson.
    Best wishes, Denamay
  10. rmc20021

    rmc20021 New Member

    I don't post often, but do try to read posts when I can. Upon reading this one, it reminded me when I was only in 2nd grade and walked to school every day....yup, about a mile, uphill, in the dead of winter with snow to my knees, with dresses and those horrid rubber boots. I let some 'friends' talk me into stealing from a drug store we passed each day on the way to school.

    I even had my mother buy me a red coat with deep pockets that year so I could hide more 'candy'. One day, I got caught and was dragged into the office, was ordered to give them my phone number (which I gave the wrong number), and waited nervously until they finally told me I could leave.

    I still had to walk the same route to school every day, but I walked on the other side of the street (like they couldn't see me, right? Bet they were sitting in there every day laughing)

    It taught me to never steal again though. I was about as scared as I've ever been....but kids today, takes much more to put fear into them. Being a good kid though, I'll bet he never does it again.
  11. joyfully

    joyfully New Member

    Kevin Leman is an excellent source for good how-to handle children situations. he has written numerous books. They are good common sense and written from a Christian point of view.

    I'd break up the friendship with the "friend" who stole the wine coolers and left your son to handle the shop lifting by himself.

    Is the manager of the store going to fire him?

    He is 15, that is a hard age.
    Consider trying this.
    Ask him what his discipline should be. Notice, I didn't say punishment. Punishment only takes care of the current issue, it really doesn't teach them a lesson. Discipline does teach a lesson.

    Then after you ask the question, let silence just hang there. Let nails rust. When he shrugs his shoulders and tell you he doesn't know, tell him to think about it and you will talk to him the next morning. Let him agonize over it. That will do him far more good than you just handing out punishment.

    When he comes up with a solution, don't interrupt him. Let him tell you his entire plan. If it is reasonable, then agree to it, give him a hug, and say something like, "I hope we will never have to deal with this again, right???"

    If you think his discipline solution is not appropriate or too much of nothing---then state, "yes, that is one possible solution, can you think of any others?"

    Keep the monkey on his back. Don't solve this one for him. There are consequences to actions, he is now responsible for the consequences.

    You may have to go through this exact same procedure 6 or 8 times until your son comes up with something appropriate to the offense.

    Then you say something like, "Oh, I think that one will work. What do you think?"

    Then say , "Let's make sure we are both on the same page with this. You are indicating that you will ________________. Is that correct?"

    You wait for a "YES". If you misunderstood, this is the time for him to correct or compromise with you. Make sure you both understand exactly what the discipline is and agree upon it.

    If he breaks this agreement, THEN comes punishment in addition to the agreed upon discipline that he didn't keep.

    What does this teach your son?
    There are consequences to actions
    You expect him to make his own appropriate discipline---he is no longer just a little kid. You are telling him that you trust his judgement to come up with a fair and reasonable discipline.

    This tells him that you love him, you know that he can make sound judgements if he wants to, but you really don't approve of his lack of judgement when it came to the shop lifting.

    You correct your son without destroying him.
    [This Message was Edited on 01/05/2007]
  12. Hawkeye

    Hawkeye New Member

    Thanks for your suggestions...

    I let him go to bed that night in tears and repeating over and over that "he is the worst kid in the world" I say I let him think that over night while he laid there and thought about what he did. That was very hard for me since I know he is a good kid but I had to make him think long and hard about what he had done.

    The next day however I went in to his room sat on his bed and had a nice long conversation with him begining with "you are not the worst kid in the world". I told him he was a very good kid who made a really BIG mistake and got caught and we went from there.

    I forbid him to stay the night with anyone for a long, long time. I forbid him from having a friendship with the other boy. I took him back to the store and made him meet with the manager,apologize and discuss the outcome of his job which they immediately fired him but thanked him for having the maturity to come to him face to face the manager did think enough of Kyle to tell him that if he didn't have a job within a month to come talk to him and he would see if he could get him on at another one of the stores on the other side of town which I thought was very nice of him.

    We have to go to court on Monday morning for the curfew violation so that will be another frightening experience for him and we will have to go back for the 2.00 theft charge.

    Thanks for your help! I appreciate it.
  13. 69mach1

    69mach1 New Member

    the first time it is a mistake an a learning process. let's hope he learned from this one and never ever repeats it again.

    you are a good parent so that is not your fault he did not use good judgement at the time. but he can make better choices in the future.

    and i think it is time you talk to him on what he does want to be when he grows up. and how important his choices he makes can reflect on future wonderful jobs. just tell him you love him as i am sure you already have. and you only want him to be able to have a wonderful future whatever career he chooses.