Today was a really bad cognitive day for me. Really, really struggled. Ever get days where it feels like your thinking has been dulled and you can't focus and you absolutely cannot multitask whatsoever? I've been having a bad flare for about a week and kind of feel like I picked up a fluish thing on top. Today, I went to the foodstore because I just had a feeling that if I didn't, I might not be able to go for awhile. But it was like praying the whole way there that I would make it in one piece and then when I got there, I had trouble concentrating in the store. And felt like I was going to collapse on the floor, too. Somehow, I did manage to do it, but I was praying the whole way home that I'd make it home safely. When I got home, everything stiffened up on me like rigor mortis, which it always does when I go out. And massive pain flare up, fatigue, light and sound sensitive. Basically, wishing I was dead from the pain. Nothing helps it. I took tylenol/benadryl and slept awhile, but it didn't help. I'm still dying. This is always the same, the symptoms. They never change, not in all these years. I also had boughts of the blood pressure drops all night, feeling like I was going to black out. And add the stomach cramps and problems with that to it all. I really didn't like the brainfog, though. It was like struggling to think or focus and it wasn't working. What's worse is, you are fully aware something is horribly wrong with you, but you can't do anything about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm in so much pain. And I'm afraid to beg the doctor for an opioid because it's too tempting to OD, or to accidentally OD trying to get rid of this pain. I want answers from God, and I don't feel like I'm getting them. Why does this disease exist? Why do we have to be sick like this? Why can't I have my life back? Why does this disease have to be far worse than most? You can't have a life with this. I've met tons of people over the years with all kinds of different disabilities, and yet, each one of them can still have a life with it. They struggle with different things, but they aren't nearly as incapacitated and fully disabled as this disease makes us. I am too sick to live in this world. I'm simply not well enough. And I don't understand the point of it.